Sam's Worst Nightmare
Sam lay on Bobby's couch fast asleep, his long, jean clad legs hanging off the arm-rest, one arm draped across his stomach, the other dangling off the couch, brushing the floor. Suddenly something tapped his nose, tickling him. Sam ran the back of his hand over his nose as he mumbled incoherently and shifted slightly.
"Wake up white bwoy!" yelled a male voice with a distinct Jamaican accent as something pinched the top of his nose. Sam jumped and sat bolt upright on the couch as he woke up, he heard something fall with a slight thud, but paid no attention to the sound as another voice floated to his ears.
"Oh look, you managed to rouse the giant." said a cool female voice with an english accent. Sam looked all around for the source of the voice, frowning in confusion when he didn't see anybody.
"Damn white bwoy dun broke me stalk." said the voice with the Jamaican accent.
"Who's there?" asked Sam, looking around the room.
"I must say, you Americans are quite vulgar, napping in the middle of the day, with your shoes on. A gentle man would have at least removed his shoes first." said a male voice with a scottish accent.
Sam swung his feet to the floor as he rubbed his forehead. What the hell was going on, had he finally cracked?
"Ay man, watch it, you dun broke me stalk, you tryna squash me too." said an annoyed voice in a Jamaican accent.
"What the hell?" exclaimed Sam, as he spotted a banana on the floor, glaring up at him, shaking a tiny yellow fist at him.
"I's not hell dumb-ass, I's a banana." said the banana as it took a step back so Sam could put his feet down.
"Bananas don't have arms and legs." blurted Sam in confusion.
"I suppose you'll say neither do strawberries." said the female voice with the english accent, Sam's mouth fell open in suprise when he spotted a strawberry sitting on the edge of Bobby's coffee table, her legs crossed as she tapped her high heels against the leg of the table.
"Oh no, now look what you've done, he's opened the giant cave of doom." said the scottish voice in a panic, and Sam spotted a cabbage trying to squeeze it's leafy body behind a stack of books.
"One move and you're dead." said a female voice with a Japanese accent as Sam felt something sharp sticking into the side of his neck. He tried to look at his shoulder without moving his head and caught a flash of something long and orange weilding something shiny.
"Is that a carrot?" asked Sam.
"What, I can't be a carrot because I'm female? Just because I'm a phallus shaped food, does not mean that I have to be male." said the carrot, as she pressed the sword harder against Sam's neck.
"Here we go again, crazy-ass orange, carrot chick on dat flower-power nonsense." said the banana as it adjusted it's broken stalk, trying to make it stand straight again.
"I believe it's called girl-power." said the strawberry as she uncrossed and re-crossed her short, red legs.
"It's not nonsense." growled the carrot.
"I don't care what it's called, kill him carrot, before he eats us all!" yelled the cabbage from behind the stack of books.
"I'm not going to eat you." said Sam as he flicked the carrot off his shoulder with his fingers. She soared through the air and landed on the coffee table next to the strawberry. "What the hell is going on here?" asked Sam.
"Look here white bwoy, we been sent here to deliver a message from de almighty. .. " began the banana.
"A message from God?" asked Sam, his eyes widening in awe.
"No stupid, de almighty golden tomato." said the banana, rolling it's eyes.
"See sweetie, the tomato is our king and he sent us to give you a message." said the strawberry.
"I say we kill the human and be done with it." said the carrot in a low, dangerous voice as she tied a headband just under her mass of leaves.
"Don't call him sweetie, that implies he's sweet and we all know he isn't, I am." said a female voice in a decidedly indian accent as a pineapple came into sight and sat on the stack of books the cabbage was trying to hide behind.
"Could you just give him the message so we can leave?" asked the cabbage, peeking out from behind the stack of books.
"Right, I don't like it here, it smells like ass." said the banana as it fanned it's hand in front of it's face.
"What's the message?" asked Sam curiously.
"De king says you're to stop eating us." said the banana.
"It's nothing personal, but you're a rather large human and the rate at which you consume us has been rather hazardous to our population." said the pineapple.
"This is nonsense, let's end him now!" growled the carrot as she lept off the coffee table and landed on Sam's lap. She slashed at him with the sword but Sam grabbed her by her leaves and lifted her up, holding her far enough so that she couldn't cut him.
"So do we have your word that you'll stop eating us?" asked the cabbage, slowly coming out from behind the stack of books.
"I can't just stop, I mean what will I eat?" asked Sam.
"You can eat burgers and that other awful junk food like your brother." said the strawberry.
"But it's not healthy." protested Sam as the carrot wriggled in his grasp.
"Ha, you hear that, he won't promise, we have to end him!" yelled the carrot, twisting around to look at the banana.
"I guess we have no choice den, we have to call in de big guns." said the banana, rubbing it's hands together gleefully.
"What big guns?" asked Sam warily.
"That'd be us." said two curt voices in unison as Sam felt strong arms grab him from behind and lift him clear off the couch, long green arms hooked under his.
"What the. . ." exclaimed Sam as two giant avocados carried him out the front door.
"We warned you white bwoy, why wouldn't you just listen." said the banana as it shook it's head and hopped up on the coffee table to sit next to the strawberry who grinned flirtatiously at it.
"Where are we going?" asked Sam as the avocados carried him across the salvage yard.
"We have been instructed to turn you into cole slaw." said the avocados in unison as they stopped in front of a large grater. Sam's eyes widened in fear as he realised what they meant to do.
"No, no, no, no, no, no," he protested as the avocados turned him around so his back was facing the grater and pushed him to the top of the grater. Just as they were about to drag him downwards he heard someone calling his name. He looked over the top of the avocados heads and saw the banana, strawberry, carrot, pineapple and cabbage chanting his name. The next thing he saw was the carrot leaping through the air, bouncing off the top of the avocado and hurtling towards his face. Sam squeezed his eyes shut, bracing himself for the blow and the grating he was sure was coming, unable to stifle the scream that erupted from his throat. He jumped when he felt something hit him in the side of the face.
"Sam, Sammy, come on man wake up!" yelled Dean as he gently smacked the side of his brother's face trying to wake him up. Sam let out a short yell as he woke up.
"Dean!" exclaimed Sam as he saw his brother's worried face hovering above his.
"What the hell man, you were hollaring up a storm." said Dean as he leaned back so Sam could sit up.
"Just a . . a bad dream." said Sam, running a hand through his hair as he shot a quick glance around the room to make sure the produce wasn't still there.
"Clowns or midgits?" asked Dean with a laugh as he handed Sam a paper bag. Sam chuckled, as he thought to himself that there was no way in hell he was telling Dean what he'd just dreamt of.
"What's this?" he asked as he opened the paper bag.
"Lunch, got you one of those giant salads you love so much." said Dean as he opened a beer, almost dropping it in suprise when Sam tumbled over the back of the chair trying to get away from the bag.
"I uh. .. I . .. I gotta go." said Sam, bolting out the door, unable to get far enough away from the salad, leaving a bewildered Dean staring at his brother's retreating form.
Sooo did you like it? Hated it? Wanted to gouge out your eyes? Make you want fruit salad? Scare you off produce? Let me know, reviews make my muse happy and a happy muse provides random situations ^_^
Thanks for reading :)