Title: Correspondence
Author: gleefulmusings
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel the Series, post-NFA, AU. Not comics compliant.
Rating: FR-21 (M)
Warning(s): Language, including frank sexual language. Spoilers for the entirety of both shows.
Distribution: Please ask first. Please do not screencap this story, save it to hard drives, exchange with others, or translate into other languages without written consent.
Feedback: Con-crit is always welcome; flames will be put on display and ridiculed.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, lyrics, etc. are the property of their respective owners. Snippets of dialogue may be incorporated from the original canonical episode(s) and belong to their respective authors/creators. The original characters and plot are the property of the author(s). The author(s) is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended, nor should any be inferred. No profit is being made.

Summary: Spike forwarded a meme to Cordelia, Drusilla, and Anya. They answer in their inimitable fashions. He really should have known better.

The ill-bred, whiny, albino pseudo-vampire had the audacity to darken my inbox with his pointless drivel. How the hell he got my email address is beyond me because, supposedly, the Higher Being intranet is impenetrable.

Hm. I believe the Red Menace and her hacking, chewed-to-the-quick fingers are responsible for this. I'm looking into legal action. Why the hell did I kill Lilah again? Do you know how hard it is to find an evil lawyer? Newsflash: IT'S NOT EASY.

Oh, I mean, um, why did that nasty bug thing have to kill Lilah while it was possessing my body? Right! Whatever, since I was a cheerleader and still have team spirit, I've decided to play along and class up this nonsense. That, and I have nothing better to do. Being a Higher Being is so boring.

BTW, Spike? You're a slut. At least that cougar Darla got paid for what you give away for free, you dipstick.

1. Name something that you always carry in your pocket/purse.

Well, that would depend on the purse, wouldn't it? Duh. Can you hear me rolling my eyes? My Birkin bag is fully stocked with all of the essentials, including my Blackberry, most of the Kiehls line, my iPod, a spare set of earrings (because you never know when you might lose one in a demon fight), a stake or three, some holy water, and Tic-Tacs (because you never get a second chance to correct halitosis. Not that I would know anything about that.).

If I'm just carrying a clutch, probably my RAZR phone and some of the old business cards (for sentimental reasons, and just in case I need to give some loser beta male the wrong number). Regardless, I never leave home without Angel's black American Express.

Life might take Visa, but the afterlife has no preset limit, okay?

2. What is one thing that you have always wanted to do but have never done?

After I had that gross rebar removed and the stitches were all healed, I should have gone back to school and used it to beat the hell out of Firecrotch Rosenberg. How dare she put the moves on my boyfriend? You may be all-powerful witchy-poo now, biznatch, but when I get my hands around your throat, I'm gonna squeeze until your eyes are the size of banjos and they pop like ripe cherries.

Sabrina doesn't trump Higher Being, heifer.

3. Have you ever wanted to be someone else? If so, who?

Are you serious? Look at me! Why would I ever want to be someone else? God, what a stupid question.

4. What do you like to do in your bathroom?

Take long, luxurious bubble baths to soften further my already glistening and silky skin.

Um, and there's the mirror, of course, which gives thanks every day that some foresighted person hung it there.

5. Which was your best kiss ever?

Whatever. It was with Xander, after the Prom, okay? Anya was off frightening that twerp Jonathan about all the things she could do to him if she still had that ugly necklace. Truthfully, she should have been glad Giles broke it, because big stones would just not look good on that turkey neck of hers. And Xander had bought me that beautiful dress, which looked totally fabulous on me, of course, and, well, yeah, okay, I kinda missed his lips. STFU.

6. If you were to have someone over to your place for a date, which music would you pick and why?

Whatever the hell I want. The date can either get on board or get out.

You know, I really miss Dennis. He was so helpful at ejecting dates from the apartment in a wonderfully violent/comedic manner.

It sure would be nice if I knew at least one person with good taste in music. Xander and his twangy country, which just reminds me of Lindsey and his stupid hat and frayed jeans. Then there's Angel and Barry Manilow, two names which should never go together. As much as I love Lorne, thank heaven I don't have to listen to the best of Motown anymore. Harmony thought she was the lost Mouseketeer. Ask her to sing you her rendition of 'Genie in a Bottle'. It set off car alarms and caused birds to fly into buildings. I don't know what Buffy listens to, but I'm betting emo. Hey, wasn't there a band called Slayer? Yeah. They sucked, too.

BTW, how much fun was the Titney Spears meltdown? OMG!

7. Can you touch your toes?

Now that I'm not carrying Rosemary's Baby, sure. I've always kept myself in excellent shape. Angel could really benefit from some hot yoga. Oh, but it might remind him of that pesky century he spent in hell. Whatever. We all have problems.

And Spike, who are you kidding? You've been poked more times than the Pillsbury Doughboy. Touch your toes? You can probably lock your ankles behind your head and suck your own oo-hoo. Not that I'm surprised.

Every dog can lick their own balls.

8. If you were given a pair of handcuffs, who would you cuff and why?

Xander and Doyle, for crimes against the fashion community and contributing to bad taste everywhere.

9. What is your biggest regret and why?

I don't believe in regrets. I look at every experience as an opportunity for growth and to move even closer toward the perfection that is me.

Hm. Well, it makes sense in my head.

That said, I might regret not fighting harder for Xander. I definitely might regret not clubbing Willow over the head like a baby seal until she barked for mercy. I kinda regret not telling Doyle before he died that he wasn't completely useless. And, yeah, I certainly regret believing that giant gray blob who tricked me into Ascending. I'm gonna find your fat ass, Skip, and then I'll make you pray for death.

You know what? Fuck this noise. Next!

10. What is your kinkiest fantasy?

Xander, Angel, a video camera, and me as the director. And if – oops! – Buffy and Willow should come in and see them going at it like two meth addicts fighting over the last crack pipe, that would just be a terrible shame, wouldn't it?

11. Which famous person would you totally do if given the chance (or have you totally done!)?

Please. I spent five years in Hollywood, and no one looks like they do in magazines or on screen. All the guys are total midgets with pocked skin and hair plugs, and most of the girls could double as emaciated concentration camp victims with giant honeydews strapped to their chests. It's all so gauche.

That doesn't mean, however, that if Matt Damon showed up at my house wearing a towel that he wouldn't be jumped faster than a virgin at a prison rodeo. Oh, and those cute boys who play the slutty brothers with the subtle gay incest subtext on that WB show. Or is it UPN? CW? Whatever. Some stupid acronym which no one knows or cares about.

12. Have you ever worn anything belonging to a member of the opposite sex?

I used to wear Angel's shirts, the silk ones. They made great nightgowns. And if he says there was peanut butter on them after they were returned, I don't know anything about it. Stupid, cheap vampire who doesn't believe in dry cleaning.

13. Have you ever been with a member of the same sex?

No, but I'm not necessarily opposed to it. Lilah had great fashion sense, and Faith was hot. Totally evil and completely psychotic, but we're talking an incredible pair of hooters on that one.

14. Have you ever been watched/video-taped during sex? Have you ever watched/video-taped someone else having sex?

What the hell is this shit? Spike! You totally made up these questions, didn't you? You perv. Why can't you just whack off, like Angel?

15. Have you ever been tied up or tied someone else up?

Sexually, no, but thanks to Buffy, and then Angel, I got tied up a lot by dorks wanting to sacrifice me or make me some demon's bride or whatever. It was so lame. And rope chafes! I guess silk scarves are an option, but they look much better with evening wear.

I'd much rather tie up other people, though. Like Lindsey. I didn't type that!

STFU, Angel.

16. What is your favorite pet name that you have ever been called and why? Who called you that name?

Hm. Queen C was more a title than a nickname, and it was well-deserved. And Doyle called me Princess, but since I was later made one on Pylea, that counts as a title, too. Xander called me 'Cor' a lot, which was okay, but I didn't much care for it because it's so unoriginal, which is actually really unlike Xander. Say what you want about that big-eared doofus, he's one of a kind.

Some random dipshit once called me 'Delia', but I put a stop to that with my fist through his teeth.

Xander also used to call me honey. I liked that. It was sweet. I don't miss him at all. Loser.

17. Where is the craziest place you've ever had sex?

Oh, wow, you mean the whopping TWO WHOLE TIMES I actually got laid? In which I got knocked up with demon spawn? BOTH TIMES? The second time which happened while my body was possessed, with the boy I considered to be my own son? Fuck this question!

18. If you were popcorn, would you be salty or sweet?

Ew. Don't think I don't know what this question means, but both.

I'm kettle corn. I satisfy all cravings.

19. What are your top 3 kinks?

a. Money.

b. Merchandise discounts.

c. Gift bags/swag.

Oh. You mean sex kinks? Please. Just once I'd like to have an orgasm which wasn't self-induced.

20. Do you carry anything with you in case of impromptu sexual encounters? If so, what?

Spike, I'm going to hunt you down and strangle you by your scrawny neck until your pointy face pops off its shoulders. No matter where you go, I'll find you. You can hide with Santa Claus at the North Pole, and I'll just strap snowshoes to my pumps and track you like caribou.

If you ever send me email me again, I'll lob off your testicles, bronze them, and make them into earrings for a poodle, you dizzy bitch.

My love to everyone! Who matters. Which is not most of you. Huh.

I so need to get a better circle of friends.


Cordelia Chase,
Partner, Angel Investigations,
Princess of Pylea,
Queen of Sunnydale (and environs),
Higher Being