I don't know why Spike is harassing me with pointless questions. I have a life in this afterlife, you know, but whatever. I have a few minutes before my tee time with Joyce and Jesus, so I'll just shoot off some quick replies and then Spike can go back to annoying Angel, because Angel deserves to be annoyed, and no one is more annoying than Spike.
Except for Willow. Destroyed the establishments of any proprietors lately?
You know, Xander rebuilt that whole shop at his own expense after the witch went all Second Crusade on Buffy's ass? Did she ever once thank him or offer to reimburse him? No. Did she ever think how many presents I had to forsake so that I might once again have a place of employment? Of course not! But I'm the selfish one? Sure.
By the way, these questions are stupid and contain no more information than that which I've been telling people willingly for years.
1. Name something that you always carry in your pocket/purse.
Condoms. You can't rely on Xander for anything but orgasms. Oh, and jokes. And the occasional limerick. And not showing up to his wedding.
But I'm not bitter; I'm pragmatic.
2. What is one thing that you have always wanted to do but have never done?
I'm over eleven hundred years old, plebeian. I've done things you couldn't even possibly imagine, let alone name.
Oh, I understand. You're in search of ideas.
Well, you can forget it. You're not poaching my memories and using them for the next trashy reality show. I can do that all on my own, thanks, and I'm a whiz at marketing.
3. Have you ever wanted to be someone else? If so, who?
Why? I'm the smartest person I know. When I want a new look, I just dye my hair. At least I admit it, though, unlike some people.
Certain Slayers and vampires, for example.
4. What do you like to do in your bathroom?
Watch someone else clean it.
5. Which was your best kiss ever?
My first kiss with Xander, after the Prom.
It had been a while since I'd been kissed, and it was nice to refresh my technique with someone so well-trained. Cordelia's a bitch, but the woman has skills. I would sometimes call her the Xander Whisperer, but only when no one else was around. I'm not stupid.
6. If you were to have someone over to your place for a date, which music would you pick and why?
Musical accompaniment during a date is a distraction. Nothing is more off-putting than when the other person begins singing along with Hannah Montana.
Trust me on this.
7. Can you touch your toes?
Can you? I didn't think so. Spike, you're obnoxious.
Yes, I can touch my toes. I can also curse yours so that they swell to the size of colon polyps and burst when you shove them into your Doc Martens.
8. If you were given a pair of handcuffs, who would you cuff and why?
I would cuff Willow and Dawn to keep them away from Xander.
For that matter, I would also cuff Andrew to keep him away from Xander and Dawn; actually, to keep him away from everyone. Wheelchair fights aside, he's incredibly bothersome, although his cooking was above average.
9. What is your biggest regret and why?
That I waited four years to tell off Buffy Summers. What the hell took me so long? It was way overdue and, of course, I was the only one not afraid of hurting her itty bitty feelings.
This world is very strange. Far too much time is wasted on political correctness, if you ask me. When someone's being an asshole, you should tell them. Really, you're just doing them a favor.
10. What is your kinkiest fantasy?
A helpless Willow, Spike, and Buffy, naked and spread-eagled, tied to a bed. And then Cordelia, Riley, and I come in with a flat iron and a tub of heated tar…
11. Which famous person would you totally do if given the chance (or have you totally done!)?
You would ask a groupie question, Spike.
I let Dracula cop a feel a few centuries ago, long before he came to Sunnydale. Really, what was Buffy's problem? He wasn't that attractive, and I really don't care for long hair on a man. If I wanted someone with girl hair, I'd be with a girl. Also, Transylvanians are not noted for their hygiene. Yuck.
12. Have you ever worn anything belonging to a member of the opposite sex?
I often wore Xander's shirts as nightgowns. Sometimes I wore them when I was cleaning the apartment. Sometimes I used them to clean the apartment.
They were tragic anyway, so it's not like anything I did ruined them. They had passed their expiration date years before.
13. Have you ever been with a member of the same sex?
That is an avenue of sexuality which, rather regrettably, I have not yet explored. It's only a matter of time, however. Parts don't always have to interlock and tongues are very dexterous.
14. Have you ever been watched/video-taped during sex? Have you ever watched/video-taped someone else having sex?
Are you talking about porn? Porn can be very exciting, both to participate in and to watch, provided you have the right partner (or partners) or audience.
Xander and I made a few movies which mysteriously disappeared from our laptop. Gee, who do we know that's a computer genius?
Yeah, it's a mystery.
15. Have you ever been tied up or tied someone else up?
Do you know me at all?
16. What is your favourite pet name that you have ever been called and why? Who called you that name?
Everyone calls me something different. I must confess I have a weakness for my former demon titles. Something about being addressed as 'your liege' or 'most favored of D'Hoffryn' really gets a girl's juices going, if you understand my meaning. If you don't, you have my sincerest condolences.
17. Where is the craziest place you've ever had sex?
Well, there was that time with Spike on one of the tables in the Magic Box. It needed a good polishing anyway. Giles thinks furniture maintenance is beneath him. British people are such snobs. Or maybe it's just British men. Or all men, for that matter.
And then there was that time with Xander on the kitchen floor in Buffy's house. Did you know Dawn was watching the whole time? She's not that innocent, you know, and she's wanted to bang Xander for years. No way were those memories artificial.
Hey, wait a minute. If Dawn's made from Buffy, and Dawn wants to bang Xander, doesn't that mean that Buffy wants to bang Xander?
I knew it!
18. If you were popcorn, would you be salty or sweet?
I guess that would depend on who's eating me.
19. What are your top 3 kinks?
Money. Jewelry. Large penises.
I'm a simple girl.
20. Do you carry anything with you in case of impromptu sexual encounters? If so, what?
Well, I already told you about the condoms. Generally, Xander can be counted on to bring lube in the rare cases I require it.
Hm. I wonder if it's telling that he can remember to bring lube but not condoms. In fact, he has a large and varied supply of lubricants.
I so knew he banged Spike in that basement!
Spike! Listen up, you sexually ambivalent worm, I'm crossing over to the Higher Realms, grabbing Cordelia, and teleporting us down to Earth. When you die this time, we're going to make sure it's permanent. How could you do it with Xander while I was dating him? Why didn't you call me? I have cameras! You bitch.
Spike, don't waste my time again with these ridiculous surveys. I have important things to do in my service to the Powers.
By the way, please advise Angel that I peeked in on his son, and he's incredibly gay, but not in the fun way that Xander sometimes is. Connor's emo gay, with layered clothing, wispy hair, a pouty lip, and a trendy eating disorder. He's like Buffy with less testosterone.
Also, I jetted down to Hell to pay my respects to Darla. You'll be hearing from her soon. Live in fear.
I wish you good commerce in the new year.