April 25, 2002

(author's WARNING: For those of you reading this on my webpage, you're reading it in its true form. For anyone else reading it on FF.net, or Inuyasha no Uchi, understand that you can't get a real feel for what I've done unless you visit. Http://www.angefire.com/anime2/kagomeinuyasha and look up my Angst fics. I've done something to the style of font that really makes it look insane. You'll understand it when you see it. This is how it's suppose to look. OH! Go ahead and guess who I'm writing about.. I'm sure you can't figure it out.)

I can't be more than what I am

By YasHirA

I waited for you…

You did not come.

I cried for you…

You didn't care.

I missed you…

You left me alone.

WHY do YOU do this to me?

Why do I care? Why are these tears falling? I don't want to miss you? I don't want you to be important in my life… when I am not important in yours.

I can't be more than what I am. I can't show you a smiling face when I'm troubled. I can't lie! I can't be more than what I am! I simply can't!

But that's the trouble, you want a smiling face and you want shiny eyes looking at you with adoration, but I can't do that all time. I can't be what you want... I can't be more than what I am... I can't be two sided!

I show my colours too easily and people are quick to use me.. to abuse me.. to do whatever they want because I say nothing… I smile and nod… and pretend that everything is okay.

But everything isn't okay.. it isn't.. I feel as if I'm living a lie and when I struggle to show a bit of who I am.. when I finally make you see what I am… you run away… but I can't do more than that less I hate who I become. I am myself and to thine own self be true. If no one else can live with me.. at least I can live with my lonely, terribly miserable self.

At least I have myself.. if no one else because I can't be more than what I am..

I can not be who you seek..

nor can I be what you desire.

I'm simply too …

I'm just not the one…

I was meant for this pain...

meant for this loneliness…

meant to be apart…

I was meant for you to hurt me over and over again.

I was meant to be useless.

I…

Was…

Meant …

Damn it..

I was NOT MEANT FOR THIS.. so WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME FEEL THIS WAY?!

I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU.. I HATE YOU…

And then when I'm done yelling about all that I hate...

I feel so empty…

so devoid of feeling and emotion..

and I wonder why I was born.

I wonder why I had to meet you if all you ever do is hurt me?

I wonder why I should miss you….

Why I love you...

I wonder why…

I can't be true to you anymore…

I can't be more than what I am…

I can't…