Standard Fanfic Disclaimer that wouldn't last ten seconds in a court of law. These aren't my characters, I'm just borrowing them for, um, uh, typing practice. Yeah, that's it, typing practice. They will be returned to their original owners unharmed (or at least suitably bandaged) when I'm done playing with them. I do not own, nor do I make any claim to characters and situations from Disney Studios (including but not limited to Phineas and Ferb), John Norman, Andre Norton, Lewis Carroll, Robert A. Heinlein, Highlander, Kung Fu: the Legend Continues, or Pop Cap games. No financial profit has been nor will be made off this story. It is debuting as 'netfic and has not been previously published in any 'zine. Many thanks to Spyro Nights for beta reading.
Phineas and Ferb
by Susan M. M.
Dedication: in memory of sfulton229
Perry the Platypus looked around. The house was quiet. The Flynn-Fletcher family had – despite Candace's protests – gone to the movies together. She had insisted that she was too old to go see The Castaway Cowboy and One Little Indian. Her mother and stepfather had been equally insistent that she was not going to see Zombie Unicorns of Gor. In the meantime, Perry had the house to himself.
Perry waddled out to the mailbox and fetched the mail.
"Whatcha doin'?" Isabella Garcia-Shapiro asked the teal-furred monotreme.
Perry chittered as best as he could with his mouth full of letters, bills, and advertising flyers.
She reached down to pat his head. "Oh, that's so cute. What a good platypus to fetch the mail in." The brunette glanced first left, then right. "Hey, where's Phineas?"
Buford van Stomm and Baljeet Rai were riding a bike. Well, Buford was riding his bike, Baljeet was stuffed into the basket. They braked to a stop in front of the Flynn-Fletcher home.
"Whatcha doin'?" Buford demanded.
"Just talkin' to Perry," Isabella replied.
"Well, let me know if he talks back. I'll call the National Enquirer," Buford said.
"Do you know where Phineas and Ferb are?" Isabella asked.
Buford shook his head. "Saw their car a while ago. Don't know where they were going."
"We are going to the library so I may check out a book for Buford," Baljeet explained. "Would you like to come with us?"
"Why can't you check out your own book, Buford?" Isabella asked.
"And ruin my rep?" The bully was horrified at the suggestion.
Perry chittered again, and headed back to the house.
"Hey, where's Perry?" Isabella asked.
Buford pointed. Perry was on the front walk, his mouth full of mail, halfway back to the front door.
"Doubtless he is going to take a nap. Platypuses do not do much beyond eating and napping," Baljeet reminded them.
"Shouldn't that be platypi?" Buford asked.
Baljeet shook his head, or tried to, at any rate. Jammed sideways into Buford's basket, he did not have much room to move. "That is a common error. It is technically incorrect, a form of pseudo-Latin; if using the rules of Greek grammar, the correct plural would be platypodes. However, most western scientists prefer platypuses or just platypus, whether singular or plural ..."
Perry waddled a little faster, trying to escape Baljeet's lecture.
Once he was through the doggie door, Perry stood upright. Reaching up a paw, he took the mail out of his mouth and carried it to the side table. He divided it into five neat piles. Tiger Beat and a postcard of Stonehenge from Cousin Eliza for Candace. For Lawrence, Antique Dealers Monthly, the phone bill, and two letters, one from his friend Duncan in Seacouver, whom he had met at an antiques convention, and one from his brother Adrian. Good Housekeeping, grocery store coupons, Pizza Hut coupons, a reminder from the car dealership that the car was due for standard maintenance, some advertising flyers, and a very thick envelope with a Sloanville postmark for Linda. Perry gave the letter from Sloanville a second look. As he'd suspected, it was from Karen Simms, the former president of Lindana's fan club. The two had gone from teenage star and starstruck teenager years ago, and often traded long gossipy letters. Popular Mechanics for Ferb, as well as four letters: one from his Cousin Angus in Scotland, one from his pen pal Therese in Montreal, Canada, one from his pen pal Mariko in Nagasaki, Japan, and one from his pen pal Jeanne-Lucille in Geneva, Switzerland. Perry grinned; once Ferb was a few years older, Linda and Lawrence would have their hands full. An overdue notice from the library for Phineas. Perry knew that Alice in Wonderland was under Ferb's bed – he'd fetch it out later for Phineas – but he had no idea where Have Spacesuit, Will Travel and Scarface were. Perry smiled at the memory. When Candace had first seen the books Phineas had checked out, she had wanted to bust him. Then she had found it out was a YA pirate book, not a novelization of an R-rated gangster movie. Perry chittered to himself and shook his head as he continued sorting the mail. He loved Candace, but sometimes he wondered when she was going to outgrow her rabid desire to bust her brothers. Invitation to a history lecture on Jacobean art and architecture, that went to Lawrence's pile. Ah, here was the one he'd been looking for. The credit card bill.
Perry took the credit card bill and went over to the computer. As always, there were the normal expenses – clothes, Grandma Winifred's birthday present, renewing the family's annual passes to the Danville Zoo, etc. – but as usual, there was also something else. Phineas and Ferb's purchases of supplies for their inventions. So, as usual, Perry hacked into Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz's bank account. And, as usual, he let Doofenshmirtz pay for the boys' projects.
Perry smiled to himself. This kept Linda and Lawrence from knowing what the boys were up to, and it prevented Doofenshmirtz from having sufficient funds to conquer the tri-state area. Maybe it would even lead to Charlene Doofenshmirtz cutting her ex-husband's alimony and forcing him to get an honest job.
Perry glanced at the clock. His family wouldn't be home from the movies for a while. It was Doofenshmirtz's weekend with Vanessa, so he'd be busy playing papa instead of working on his evil devices or plotting against his brother, Mayor Roger Doofenshmirtz. Unusually, Perry had some time for himself. He smiled. He had time for a few games of Plants vs. Zombies.
Dedication: in memory of sfulton229, who never posted a story to this website, but who reviewed hundreds, if not thousands, of stories. She died August, 2011, and will be missed. I don't know if she was a Phineas and Ferb fan. We mostly discussed westerns and SF. (She was a fan of Disney westerns, like the two James Garner movies mentioned above.) I don't know if she ever watched an episode of Phineas and Ferb or not. For all I know, she may have been a rabid fan, and it simply never came up in conversation. With her sense of humor, I think she would have liked it. And if it was a story by a friend, she would read and review whether or not she knew the TV show or movie it was based on. She was a wonderful reviewer, with a good critical eye for what worked, and a gentle hand for pointing out what didn't, without ever flaming. Goodbye and God bless you, Susan; the tears will dry eventually, but your memory will last forever. Consider this story in lieu of roses: a big bouquet of yellow roses. Yellow roses for goodbye, yellow roses for friendship, yellow roses for a Texas gal. Ave atque vale.