It felt good.
The toxin filled my lungs and soon spread icily through my body. All things that used to hurt became so mercifully, blissfully numb.
The cold buzzing was beautiful. I never wanted it to end.
Sucking in air through my frozen lungs, I felt incredible. I leaned back to look up at the white world around me, fists clenching and unclenching. I couldn't get enough.
I loved this feeling, where nothing was wrong and there were no worries. No problems came crashing down on me. No painful memories pierced my bliss.
It felt like I was floating, one might say. Floating away from the dark world of pain and anxiety, and to a place of frozen sunlight, a place where misery dared not tread.
I imagined I was soaring high, feeling amazingly free to do anything I wanted. I imagined I saw things never heard of before, beautiful, curious little creatures on elegant wings. I dreamed I lived in a place of golden light that welcomed me and numbed away my pains.
I believed everything was perfect.
This cold, bright world that only took place in my mind, this universe I would so desperately want to live in, was a flawless, eternal home for me and my most important desires. I never wanted to leave. I never wanted this to end.
It was magnificent. Breathtaking. Unbelievable. The amazement of this flooded my heart with longing. I wanted to stay here, in this mental, mystical world, forever.
The frosted sunlight shone in such a way I couldn't bear to look away. The elegant creatures laughed in graceful, delightful tones, like small bells ringing. The world surrounded me so completely, so comfortingly that I wished it would never end.
But it did.
The last time I lost sight of that world, everything died. The real world crashed down on me mercilessly, the dark emotions boiling to the top. The pain came roaring back, seizing me and choking me, throwing me from side to side like I was a boat caught in a violent storm. I could never get free, and was lost to the torrent of misery and dread. All memories came piercing through my heart, blasting holes right through.
I couldn't take it. Not after the beautiful world I once lived in.
That world was mine, and I had to get it back somehow.
I had searched and searched. I had refused to give up. My perfect world was waiting for me to come back home.
Every day, I dreamt of that world. It said that the delightful creatures were saddened by my departure, and would never sing again until I came back. It said that the sunlight had flickered out and died into the darkness without me. It called to me, asking where I had gone, why I had left it behind when everything was so good and so perfect. I wanted to say that I hadn't left it, that I wanted to return to it, but I could never find my voice.
I wanted that world.
I wanted that bliss.
I wanted perfection.
I wanted - no, needed - to soar again. I needed to be free, to laugh with the creatures and bathe in the golden bliss that was my majestic, beautiful world. I needed to live where I truly belonged, in a place that was made for me, and only me.
I couldn't survive in the other world of darkness and hate.
I needed peace and friendship, laughter and joy.
So I promised my world I would return to it. That one day, the brightness would reign, the creatures would sing, and everything would be perfect once again.
But then I remembered her.