A/N - I'm not crazy. Yet. I just needed something a little lighter, to keep me from stabbing my eyes out. Ya know, because SFttR is kinda harsh. Anyway, this idea came after watching the pilot episode of The New Girl. I hope it makes you laugh. Otherwise, I'm just fail.
Many thanks to GrayMatters for beta'ing and to Miss Mandy Pants for pre-reading. Ryden, this is for you. And Stef, you will adore Edward. Just wait and see. Love you all, like whoa.
All recognizable characters and quotes are the property of Stephenie Meyer. All lyrics belong to their respective owners.
"So, there I was sitting in the backseat of a taxi, in a trench coat. Oh my God, this is so embarrassing. I was naked under there, ya know? So I called Alice, one of my best friends, for moral support. We talked about stripper names and decided that I would be Supple Sugar Tits, because they were great words." The girl grinned briefly, before she hung her head and sighed sadly.
God, how long had she been talking?
"Anyway. When I got to our apartment, Eric was just waking up. He looked all adorably rumpled, standing there all confused in his undies. I even laughed a little, before I told him I had a surprise for him. I even used my sex operator voice. I was all, 'Ba da duh da dum, I'm home early for you, in my birthday suit. Don't you wanna sex me up?'"
Holy shit, did she just sing?
"And so I dropped the trench, and then did a pirouette. I may have bent over and shook my ass a little." Her sigh this time was almost comical... almost. Though the imagery was kind of hot, I was still in a state of shock
"And then I was all, 'Baby, I missed you and your penis. Won't you come over here and stick it inside me?'"
What is with the singing?
"Then I turned around. And some other girl was standing beside Eric in her panties."
Okay. Well, that's fucked up.
"So, yeah. That happened. Hence why I need a new apartment and answered the ad you guys put out."
She shook her head after a minute, almost as if to clear it.
"Wait..what was the question?" She sounded legitimately confused.
"Uh, I asked if you had any pets," I responded, trying desperately not to look at her like she was an escaped mental patient.
"Oh! Right. Yeah, no. I don't have any pets." She smiled.
Well, at least she had one thing going for her.
"For what it's worth, I would really love to live here. And I'm desperate. Don't guys dig desperate chicks?" she questioned with a slight twinge of hysteria in her tone.
"Yeah. If you want a dirty hook-up in a bathroom or something," Jasper intoned seriously. "I'm not sure if that carries over to living situations, though." He tilted his head and I knew he was seriously contemplating the issue. I rolled my eyes.
"Look, Bella, right?" I raised my eyebrows in question. She smiled and nodded. "We need a minute to discuss this. Just us guys." I shot a look at Emmett and Jasper and tilted my head towards my bedroom. They followed me without question as Bella looked on like an abandoned puppy.
You know those ASPCA commercials with the big, sad-eyed puppies? They had nothing on Bella's sad face. Nothing.
Check one in the 'This is a really fucking bad idea' column.
I tried to give her a reassuring smile while backing into my bedroom and closing the door.
"No way guys, this is such a bad fucking idea," I immediately said. This couldn't happen. What the hell did they know about living with a chick?
"But, Ed, did you see that look? She needs a home." Emmett looked at the door sadly, like he could still see Bella on the other side, all puppy-faced.
"Oh fuck me," I whispered before hardening my voice. "Dude, she's not a stray."
"She might as well be. She needs a place. We need a roommate. I say we keep her," he finished with a decisive nod. I shook my head incredulously in response. We both turned to look at Jasper, seeing as his vote was the tie-breaker.
"Did you see her tits?" A slow smile spread across his face. "If she lived here, I bet we would get to see them at least once. And hello, if we keep it cold in the apartment? Headlights, baby." He nodded enthusiastically, as if that was the best selling point ever.
"I live with a douchebag," I muttered while face-palming. "Guys, you don't get it. Women change moods like they change their clothes. And don't even get me started on PMS. We can't do this. We can't. She'll suck the souls right out of us." I may have been a little freaked out.
Unlike Emmett and Jasper, I had lived with women. I had a sister. And then there had been those six months with Angela. I knew what I was talking about. This couldn't happen.
"I vote no," I said quietly. "This is a really bad idea." I reiterated, hoping that maybe if I kept saying it, they would finally see reason.
I really should have known better.
"We can't just turn her away, Ed. It's getting cold outside," Emmett said beseechingly.
"She's in," Jasper smiled.
I rubbed the heels of my hands into my eyes roughly, as we all heard a squeal outside my bedroom door. I sucked my teeth as I turned the knob, revealing a bouncing Bella.
"You guys aren't going to regret this," Her smile was mega-watt and I prayed she was right.
Within two days, Bella was moved in.
We had decorative throw pillows on our couch.
There was light beer in the fridge.
Tampons. In the bathroom. Need I say more?
If that wasn't enough, I shared a wall with her.
I had never given much thought to what chicks did when going through a break-up before. With guys, it's usually a lot of drinking, football and checking out new chick's asses.
Apparently for women they poured out their emotions through music.
"I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you." I heard a sniffle through the wall and sighed. This had been been going on for a week. All night long the saddest love songs you could think of poured out of her room.
If it didn't stop I would need Prozac, and I wasn't even the one dealing with the heartache.
"I know just how to whisper and I know just how to cry."
Oh. My. God. Kill me now.
"But I don't know how to leave you, and I'll never let you fall. And I don't know how you do it, making love, out of nothing at all." Bella's tremulous voice drifted through the wall and I rolled onto my back and kicked my legs angrily. I didn't care if I looked like a six-year-old throwing a tantrum.
I was tired.
And kind of sad.
Stupid fucking music.
"I can't smile without you. I can't laugh and I can't sing, I'm finding it hard to do anything."
Barry. Fucking. Manilow.
"If you only knew what I'm going through. I just can't smile without you."
With a groan I got out of bed and crossed my room with purpose.
I set my jaw and raised my hand. I had to make this stop. I couldn't take it anymore.
I woke with a smile on my lips. It was so blissfully quiet. I reveled in it, while stretching languidly. God, I felt so good. I could smell cinnamon wafting in the air and the sun was shining. I felt happy.
After a few more wonderfully peaceful moments, I sighed. Reaching up, I popped the ear-plugs out and sent a silent prayer up that today would be emo-music free.
What? I have a sister. I know better than to fuck with a woman when she's 'in a mood.'
I swung my legs over the side of the bed and scratched my cheek. Again, the smell of cinnamon assaulted my senses and a grumble tore through my stomach. Following my nostrils, I made my way to the kitchen. The sight before me stopped me in my tracks.
Bella stood there. A plate of waffles, stacked at least twelve high on her left and a mountain of muffins on her right. My eyebrows shot up at the amount of food, and briefly, the thought that maybe this wasn't such a terrible arrangement flitted through my mind.
The thought was pushed away quickly when Bella turned, hit a button on her iPod and started singing into her batter-covered spoon.
"When I was young.." she crooned.
Oh, fuck me with a broom.
"I never needed anyone." She sniffled quietly. "And making love was just for fun. Those days are gone."
I debated silently on whether I should just turn and run, or actually try to stop this madness. The choice was made for me when Emmett appeared by my side.
"Dude, I can't fucking take much more of this," he whispered harshly. "I'm going crazy."
"Livin' alone, I think of all the friends I've known," she continued to sing along. "But when I dial the telephone...nobody's home."
"What the hell do you expect me to do about it?" I whisper-yelled back. "I was against this from the start!" I told them this was a bad idea. Serves them right.
"All by myself," Bella belted into her spoon, her back still to us. "Don't wanna be, all by myself, anymore." At least she had a really good voice.
"Oh God, make it stop." Jasper whimpered from behind us. I turned, finding him standing in nothing but his boxer briefs with red-rimmed eyes.
"Dude, are you fucking crying?" I questioned softly, snickering.
"What? It's a really heartbreaking song." Jasper crossed his arms and glared at me.
My God, she was turning us into women.
"I've had enough," Emmett said, "I'm going in." With that he strode into the kitchen, reached around Bella and shut off the iPod.
"Oh!" She jumped, startled. "I didn't realize you were up, Em. I made breakfast." Her voice was soft, and she tucked her chin to her chest.
"Well, how could we sleep with that depressing shit blaring throughout the house?" He was cranky. I couldn't really blame him. I mean, it had been a week of non-stop chick music.
Slowly, she raised her head and looked over her shoulder, finally noticing Jasper and myself.
"Oh God," she whimpered, her little chin trembling. "I'm so sorry. I just thought I could cook you guys breakfast, since it's a Sunday and you've been so nice..." Two big fat tears fell from her eyes and trailed down her cheeks.
Emmett's eyes widened and he looked to me with terror written all over his face, before addressing Bella once again.
"Well fuck, B, I didn't mean to make you cry." This made her cry harder. "Don't do that, please." She hiccuped. "STOP!" he ordered and she took a step back before starting to sob hysterically.
"Emmett!" He looked at me then, very much resembling a deer in headlights. "Dude, just...stop. Let me try." He sighed in relief before scurrying away.
Bella looked up at me, her nose red and her face tear-stained. "I really am sorry," she whispered.
"No, it's okay," I placated her. "Maybe we could just listen to something else?" I smiled crookedly, hoping it would work on her as it did my mom and sister when they'd go all girly on me.
"Like what?" She wiped her nose on her sleeve and I tried not to grimace.
"Well, let's see what we have on this thing," I grabbed the iPod and scrolled through the songs. Not surprisingly, it was all chick music. "Uhh, well..." I stuttered, looking up at Jasper and Emmett, who only shook their heads.
I scrolled and scrolled, until I landed on something that might work. It would be embarrassing as fuck, but it might make her smile. And smiling girls didn't cry. And no crying meant that maybe the music from hell would go back to...well, hell.
"This'll work," I said with a smirk at Bella, and a side-eye look to the guys.
Fuckers better go with it.
"Hey, heyyyyyy, heyyyyyyyy..." I sang along quietly, a little fucking uncomfortable. Bella looked at me in confusion. "Your lipstick stains, on the front lobe of my left side brains..." I smiled. "I knew I wouldn't forget you, and so I went and let you blow my mind." Emmett started nodding his head.
He joined me and Bella's lips twitched a little."Your sweet moon-beam, the smell of you in every single dream I dream. I knew when we collided, you're the one I have decided, who's one of my kind."
"Hey, soul sister! Ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo? The way you move ain't fair you know!" We all turned to look at Jasper, who stood belting out the lyrics in his underwear. Bella giggled, which meant this shit was working, so we continued singing along to the stupid fucking song. Jasper even through in some little two-step. I knew we were home free when the small giggles turned into out-right guffaws, punctuated by little snorts every now and again.
Once the song ended and I pondered if I still had a dick for knowing every single word of it, Bella wiped the laughter-induced tears off of her cheeks.
"God, I needed that," she laughed. Her smile was bright and kind of pretty. "You boys hungry? I was just getting ready to make some bacon, too."
Maybe this wouldn't be so bad, if we could keep her happy. I mean, a home-cooked breakfast? On a Sunday morning?
"Yeah, I'm fucking starving," I said while Jasper and Emmett murmured their agreements. Bella grinned, before turning to her iPod and shuffling through the tracks. Soon the opening strains of Barenaked Ladies drifted through the speakers. I glanced at the screen and saw that she had chosen her playlist entitled 'Happy'.
Yeah. This could be okay.
Heh. Ha ha?
Yes? No? Don't be afraid to tell me I suck. Really. I can take it. I think.
What's your favorite break-up song?