Authors Note: Mix of The League of Gentlemen's Apocalyse and Series 3 Context.
The pile of cigarrettes boxes packed the confessional booth . Ross saw this and frowned. How was going to get this confession out of his chest?.
Bernice camly walked into the church and saw the dissapointed man stanting with the confessional booth curtain grabed in his hand. She rolled her eyes and moan in regret. "Why do people want to do this in this hours of the night? It's ridiculous!".
Ross turned around an saw Benice trying to sneek out of the Church. " Reverend! Please" he said, with a worried face " I need to talk to you!". Bernice groan and turned around, faking a smile " Yes, Child? What do you need to say". " Reverend , I need to confess".
She rolled her eyes, " Alright!".
" But the confessional booth is packed with fags", Ross said looking at the confessional. " Well let's take a seat in one of the benches, then" said Bernice pointing at one close to her.
They both sat together. Ross looked ashamed and keep looking at the floor, Bernice took that moment to light a cig. " Do you mind if I smoke?" she ask. Ross kept looking down. " I'll take that as a no".
" Reverend, I have sinned".
" I bet" she said, looking away.
" What?" Ross frowned, looking up to her.
" I mean..." she faked a smile " Then why would you come here?"
" So, what are your sins, my child, what is this burden that you carry?" she move her hands , trying to speed up the confession.
" Well... I have been having an affair with a married woman".
" Really?" Bernice moaned uninterested. " For how long?, my child. When this spiral... down to perdition began?".
" Well, last year. Just before she got married".
" MMMmmmph..." Bernice groaned, looking sleepy. Why she had to hear that silly crap, when she could had been already in bed watching the MMA championship with a nice glass of scotch in her hands. " And the tramp...the lady. How do you two meet, may I ask?".
" She worked in the Restart course at the Job Center. I had to pretend to be on the dole, so I could research her work ethics".
" You cheeky bastard!" she smiled.
" What?" he looked at her.
" You used this job effort to make a move on this woman. Clever".
" No!" He said, upset " I didn't. She was horrible to me that whole time. I couldn't stand her! How could you think I could use my work to get a woman's attention?"
" Well, you're no prize, love" she mumbled.
" What?" he said staring at her. This bitch was gettin out of line.
" Continue, continue. But if you could no stand her. Then why you end up I presume, shagging her".
Ross low his head and wraped it with his hand. He exhale hard and groaned " I don't know!".
" Nice tits?'" she asked. He looked at her, shocked " What did you just said?"
" Did she have nice tits...ass, pretty face?".
" I beg your pardon?" he sat straight at the question, tipping his head to the left.
She moved her head, like she was disappointed " Come on, now! How could you manage to shag a woman that you could not stand? I hardly stand the people that come on sunday and the only thought that passes me mind is to not even look at them!"
" I don't know, reverend, that's the thing I can't figure out! She was horrible to me and she's not eye candy what so ever."
" Is she younger than you, is that it? Do you need some life straingth of a young nubile woman?"
" She older".
" How older?". She frowned.
" Like fifteen years...she's 48".
" Oh, god!" Bernice said with an apawled face " Are you one of those perverted lads that chase older, stupid woman for fun?".
" No!...well, she is kind of stupid. But I'm not a pervert! Is just..."
Bernice got closer " Yes? I hear you" This was too funny to her to miss.
" Is like...when we are in the middle of an argument, that we do have a lot...she rents a place I own. She has this little shop there. Well, we argue a lot and every time we get to the climax... I get..." He moved his hands suggestivly "...in some way". He rub his hand across his face.
" Pervert alert..." She mumbled, but he didn't heard. " You get aroused by this and THIS causes to end up with your trousers down?" She pretend to be serious.
" Yes" He muttered.
A small laugh came from her mouth, but she manage to quiet it. She then continue " And this woman feels the same?"
" I guess. She doesn't complain".
" It was kind of a silly question really..." She said to herself. " So child, you want to stop".
" I want to try, seriously. Her husband is my best friend. I went to their wedding! How horrible is this to tell, but... I slept with her that very same day. At the wedding service!...she was still in her bride's dress...a big mess of pink . I hate pink"
The laugh came to her again. " Calm down, Bernice" she thought. " How awful" she express. " What is it about her that triggers these... animalistic sexual feelings, tell me". Oh, She wanted to hear some good stuff.
" I think is the fact that she challenges me, she is hurtful, foul mouthed, ugly, fat..." He was interrupted. "How fat?" Bernice smiled.
" BIG" he said, looking away " Thank god she let that horrible lesbian haircut grow. She looked like my uncle Frank".
Then , Bernice frowned interested. Was this someone that she knew?
" What's her name?" she asked.
" I'm not telling you."
She looked at him " Really? You just told me you almost hated her...".
" I did..do hate her".
" You hate her. But you shagg her. Now you are confessing an awful sin, but you are gonna be her knight in shinning armor protecting her from getting her identy known? COME OFF IT!".
" I'm not telling you...is my sin and hers. If she wants to keep quiet, she can. I'm the one that is confessing his sins in here!" He got angry.
" At least you could tell me how she looks like. I swear I won't scorned her for this!".
" Well...fine. I don't think you know her either way".
She shoked her head. I bet she did. And how fun would be to tell the tramp all of this in the morning.
" She, like I said is a big lady. With glasses. She has medium lenght redish hair and she likes pen...a lot".
A spark of knowlege came to Bernice like a bulb had turned on up her head like in the cartoons. " Pens" she muttered.
She tried to remember any woman in town who liked pens, just got married and was big...
" I want to stop reverend! I want to try to stop this... I mean no harm to his husband, but sometimes I just want the monkey man to disappear, so she could be mine. It's a horrible thought ...I know!".
" Well..." she said, still thinking who could this be.
" But then I don't want to, because I know what happens when we are alone. A never ending procces of yelling, scratching, beating, screaming and nasty, naked, lustful, animal sex. And this was just for a weekend her husband went to visit his relatives in Sussex. The charity shop lady in the front of the street keep yelling at us to keep quiet! We were scaring her customers with all the ..." He gulped "...noise."
Wait a minute, Bernice thought . i know that charity shop. I HATE those old bitches. But I KNOW this place...on front. What store is in front. Next is the new computer store...in front...in front.
A image suddlenly came to bernice's head. And she , for a moment, got stoned cold...pens!
" Reverend?" he asked, worried he had said something too horrible to her.
" How did you realize did lady was atrracted to you?" she asked, concentrating in the answer. " Did she tell you?"
" No. The first time it just came. I actually thought she liked women...I guess she didn't. Maybe it was the prison experience"
Suddenly, Bernice's fingers that were holding the bench on front, cracked, squeezing the wood. She widened her eyes, rage was stating to come out from her very poors... " I also thought she liked women. At least that's what she told me...or made me believe".
" What?" Ross was confused " She told you?"
She snapped her head at him and slowly the words came out " YOU...BASTARD...and that BITCH!".
" What?" He said looking as she standed up and pointed at him. " WHAT? you little nerdy twat have being shagging Pauline!"
" How do you know her ? Ross panicked. " How did you guess?"
" Oh, Please. That big lazy heffer's husband , Mickey is the laughing stock of the whole town! And now that bitch is going to be herslef, after I tell averybody what she's being doing with YOU! It's going to be histerical. It's like a Bulldog getting shagged by a chihuahua".
" Why are you so angry at her?" He asked, confused.
" She tod me she could not be with me because she was married to that monkey. But, no! she didn't kept her knickers on, did she? Now get out!".
" Oh, god!" Ross yelled, horrorfied. " Please don't tell! You swear to me!".
" What a bunch of bollocks. It meant nothing. I was just trying to find out who the woman was. Now that I know , I'm telling everybody!".
"NO!" he scream in panic.
" GET OUT, YOU TWAT!" she pushed him out of the church.
Ross tried to resits the pushes, but he trip on the way out.
There lying in the floor, looked up to Bernice, who smiled wickedly.
" You better find yourself a good little hole to hide, because I don't know what mickey and his retarded friends might do to you. Ta, Dear".
The door of the church slammed in front of him.
God, what was he going to do?