Hi all! Oh man, I took a big sick day today and felt pretty craptastic. While I was lying in bed, bemoaning my fate, an idea for a cracked-out fic came to mind. Man, laughter really is the best medicine...
Anyway, I'm posting this and then going to BED and maybe I'll feel less like ass tomorrow.
Warning: this fic, while not rated M (believe me, it's pretty tame) contains lots o' curse words and is about a threesome! You have been warned!
Last note for my non-American readers: PBR stands for Pat's Blue Ribbon. It is an infamously shitty beer:)
Slut Faced Ho'
Sakura sighed heavily as she signed her name at the gate. She was impatient to come home, and Genma was taking for-fucking-ever. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he waved her through; with a thankful nod, she adjusted her ANBU mask and set off to report to the Hokage.
However, when she got there, her shishou was passed out in a puddle of her own drool on her desk, surrounded by a collection of expensive sake bottles. Sakura paused in the doorway and weighed her options: if she woke Tsunade, she would have her ass handed to her on a platter; but if she merely left a note, Tsunade would be grumpy about it, but Sakura would not have a hole where her chest cavity once was. Love note it was then.
Sakura shoved her cat mask over the top of her head and scrawled out a hasty letter: Came to report at 20:30, but you were...otherwise engaged. Will make mission report first thing tomorrow...afternoon. She signed her name with a smiley face and a heart before jumping out of the window and onto the cool streets of Konoha.
She wondered, as she strolled at a leisurely pace back to her home, if her boys had missed her at all. Their relationship had seemed so sudden: after Sasuke had returned to Konoha and been absolved for his past crimes, the three of them had gotten rip-roaring drunk...and found themselves in the same bed the next morning. Sakura chuckled to herself, recalling the appalled faces of her boys as they realized that they had. All. Slept with each other. Surprisingly, Sakura hadn't been the least bit disturbed: she loved Naruto and Sasuke with all her little, pink, girly heart, and had the brilliant idea that they could become more than just a team...
Tee hee. Seriously, the only thing better than one hot man in your bed was two, in Sakura's humble opinion. No one was left out of the relationship, the sex was fan-fucking-tastic, and best of all, their sensei had had a shit fit when he learned that all three of his former genin were an 'item.'
Sakura sighed contently as she rounded onto her street. Wouldn't her boys be thrilled that she was back home from her month-long solo mission a day early! Sakura hated being away from her boys for so long, but duty called: she had been the perfect ninja to take on this last, hunter-nin mission. But damn was she tired. After killing three S-classed ninja with her bare hands and traveling half the length of the continent, she wanted nothing more than to shower and curl up in bed with "her boys," as she affectionately called them.
With a gentle smile, Sakura opened the door to their house and turned on the light. "Anyone home?" she called sweetly: there was no response. Sakura mused that they must have been out on a late night mission and padded into the kitchen. "Please, Kami, please let there be a beer in the fridge." At this point, she would have accepted a lukewarm PBR, that's how desperate she was for a refreshing alcoholic beverage. But when she arrived in the kitchen, her homecoming smile faded into a frown.
It seemed like every dish, bowl, spoon-knife-and-fork were all in the sink, crusted over with unidentifiable goo. A small colony of fruit flies buzzed above the carnage. Sakura wrinkled her nose and sighed. Sometimes, having two male lovers could be such a drag, to phrase it in Shikamaru's parlance. One might think that at least Uchiha Sasuke would have been a neat freak, but apparently, he had picked up some pretty disgusting habits when he had lived with the Akatsuki: not washing his dishes was one of them.
Thankfully though, Sakura was after a meal that came in can form, and she would not need any of those unsanitary utensils; she opened the fridge, hoping to find at least a Miller High Life. She cringed. Instead of beer, she was met with a month's worth of moldy leftovers, curdled milk, and something else that was green and unidentifiable. She shuddered. After poking around in the fridge, she at long last spotted a nice, cold beer. Happiness was hers! However, as she reached out to take the cold beverage, lifting it out of the catacomb that was their refrigerator, her triumphant smile faded.
"Who the FUCK puts an empty beer can back in the fridge!" she yelled, slamming the refrigerator shut with a grimace. She checked her watch and realized that the liquor store was now closed; so much for her after work beverage. With a huge, resigned sigh, she dragged herself upstairs. While she couldn't enjoy a beer, she could fancy a shower right about now. She sniffed herself delicately and surmised that she smelled more like a rank gym shoe than a smexy kunoichi. And she so wanted to surprise her boys—and hopefully get laid!—before the night was out...
Her cheerful smile once again upon her face, she opened the bathroom door—
"Oh for fuck's sake!" Sakura bellowed. Empty beer cans lined the counters and toilet tank. Small blond and black beard hairs littered the sink and the floor. Worst of all, there was a giant, slimy hair wad in the shower drain, and not one of the hairs was pink. Sakura took a deep breath: she was not going to let this filth ruin her homecoming. The answer was simple. Tomorrow, she would order her lovers to clean the house; but tonight, she was not going to worry about it. There was no crisis here.
She lifted the cover to the toilet—she hated getting into the shower only to realize five seconds later that she had to pee—and gasped in shock. The toilet lid fell onto the seat with a bang. "Oh my god...someone took a massive dump, clogged the toilet...and didn't unclog it..." the aghast kunoichi muttered to herself in horror. She took another calming breath, just like she had learned to do in her anger management classes, and thought of a solution to her problem. Since Naruto and Sasuke, the filthy, filthy men that they were, were going to clean the house tomorrow anyway, she wouldn't have any qualms about peeing in the shower. They could deal with it in the morning.
With a sigh, Sakura stepped into the shower and winced—her foot met with a layer of slime covering the surface of the bathtub. She stood there, suspended, not sure of how to proceed. "Oh, fuck it," she muttered to herself as she ignored the goo covering the bottoms of her feet, fully entered into the tub, and proceeded to shower. However, when she was done, it was hard for her to feel like she was any cleaner than when she had begun.
Draping her pink towel around her (which thankfully had remained clean in her absence), she opened the bathroom door and called, "Hey, anyone home yet?" She sighed when there was no answer. "Well, fuck it. I'm bloody exhausted: I'm going to bed, and when I wake up, I'll chew out those two ingrates for being disgusting animals while I was gone." She felt a shiver of delight roll down her spine when she thought of her bed. She had been sleeping on the cold, hard ground for the past month, and she was simply dying to curl up under her down comforter, sink into her soft mattress, and pass out. She would sleep sounder than those three rogue ninja she had just offed on her mission. Oh boy oh boy!
Yawning widely just at the thought of sweet, sweet sleep, she opened the door to the bedroom and flicked on the light switch.
And blinked some more.
Then she rubbed her eyes, smacked herself in the face, and fiercely pinched her arm.
There, in her bed, with her boys, was a black-haired, naked woman whom Sakura did not recognize.
Sakura closed her eyes. This can't be happening... Without opening her eyes, she formed a hand-seal and muttered, "Kai!" She opened her eyes once more...
Nothing had changed, her boys were still sprawled out on either side of some dark-haired, pale-skinned bimbo; Sakura also noticed, upon closer inspection, that the room was littered with empty sake and beer bottles. To add insult to injury, it seemed as though the majority of the empty bottles were her coveted PBR.
Just to be sure she wasn't hallucinating due to severe sleep deprivation, Sakura strode forward and poked the passed out whore right in the small, pert, boob. Yep, it was real and squishy. The prostitute woke with a start and eyed Sakura with surprise.
To say that Sakura was trembling with rage would be the understatement of the century. She was abso-fucking-lutely livid. "SASUUUUUUKE! NAAAAAARUUUUUUTOOOOO! WAKE THE FUCK UP NOW!"
Naruto opened a bleary eye and regarded the fuming kunoichi. "Oh, hey Sakura, you're back early...awesome!" Even from a foot away, Sakura could smell the alcohol on his breath. Beside him, Sasuke merely waved and turned back over in the bed.
Sakura blinked, momentarily confused. Then, all at once her anger came rushing back. "WHO IS THE BIMBO IN MY BED?"
Naruto rubbed his eyes. "What? Oh. Oh! Shit, Sakura, let me explain—"
"WHAT KIND OF EXPLAINING DO YOU INTEND TO DO? YOU ARE NAKED. IN BED. WITH SOME SLUT-FACED HO'!" She slammed her fist into the wall above the bed: plaster chipped wildly from the impact. At this, Sasuke finally seemed to wake up, and he turned an absolutely stunning shade of puce.
"Sakura, it's not—" Sasuke began, but Sakura would have none of it.
"I COME HOME FROM A MONTH LONG MISSION TO FIND YOUR DIRTY DISHES FILLING THE SINK! YOUR NASTY BEARD HAIRS ALL OVER THE BATHROOM...! YOUR SHIT CLOGGING THE TOILET! AND A NAKED SLUT IN OUR BED!" Sakura looked like she was about ready to die from an apoplectic fit.
Said slut was clutching the covers to her breasts, her mouth open in a little 'o' of horror. Sakura promptly threw an empty glass bottle at the whore's head, which she dodged with ninja-like grace. "Sakura!" the little tart cried, "Wait! We can explain!"
"YOU CAN EXPLAIN IT TO ME FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL YOU DIRTY TRAMP!" Sakura began throwing everything within reach at the strumpet— more bottles, a hairbrush, a shoe, a used condom (eeeewwww)— before Sasuke and Naruto finally managed to pin the pink-haired maniac down.
"Sakura!" Naruto cried. "Please stop!"
"I WON'T STOP UNTIL I'VE LEVELED THIS WHOLE HOUSE!"
"Sakura. It's my fault," Sasuke began.
"THEN I'LL CHOP OFF YOUR BALLS FIRST, YOU SLIMY UCHIHA GIGOLO!"
Sasuke choked on his own spit at that, while Naruto tried to explain, "No Sakura! That girl! She's really—"
"OH DON'T WORRY NARUTO! I'LL CASTRATE YOU RIGHT AFTER I'M DONE WITH EMO-ASS HERE!"
"Damn it Sakura, SHE'S MY SEXY-NO-JUTSU CLONE!" Sasuke finally wailed.
"I DON'T CARE SASUKE I'M GOING TO RIP OUT YOUR TESTICLES...wait...what?" Sakura asked, finally using lower case letters to express herself.
Both Sasuke and his sexy clone turned bright red; the clone murmured as she clutched the sheet around her naked body, "Sorry babe. It was supposed to be a surprise...for when you got back..."
Sakura blinked. Then blinked again. Then began hysterically laughing. Sasuke and Naruto looked at each other and cautiously let go of Sakura's arms.
"You—" she pointed to Sasuke, "Ha ha ha! Made a sexy, hee hee hee! Clone! Whahaha! For me! Oh oh OH!"
Sasuke continued to blush a deep shade of crimson as Naruto muttered, "Yeah, we were practicing before you came home...but now Teme can't figure out how to dispel the clone..."
"Dobe! You weren't supposed to tell her that!" Sasuke all but screeched.
Naruto shrugged. Sakura wiped away her tears and mumbled, "Wait? He couldn't dispel it? Oh dear gods, you didn't get your smexy clone pregnant did you!" Sakura commenced to break down in hysterics again, much to Sasuke's chagrin, who had just turned a darling shade of purple.
His clone sat on the bed and muttered, "Hey, it's hard to use your sharingan when you're shit faced drunk...everything gets all blurry, and then you can't follow the hand-signs..."
Sakura shook her head and rose from the floor; her diaphragm hurt from laughing too much, and she had to hold her sides in to keep from wheezing. "Sasuke. Drink some coffee and dispel your fucking clone. Naruto. Clean up the broken glass from the bed. And when you two are done, you are going to fuck me silly until I forget about this fiasco."
Naruto and Sasuke gulped and then did as they were told. Sakura sighed in content and padded over to the wall; she leaned up against it and admired her lover as he cleaned up the evidence of her fit-o'-rage.
Naruto jumped 5 feet in the air and then offered her a shit eating grin. "Yes Sakura-sama?" he asked with trepidation.
Sakura laughed, the clear sound ringing throughout the room. Sasuke, who had just reentered the room, paused midway between gulping down a Red Bull to gaze at his insane, pink-headed lover.
"I love you guys."
They both sighed in relief. Sasuke put down his empty energy drink and began making hand-signs, ostensibly to dispel his smexy-clone-o'-doom.
"Oh Sasuke?" Sakura called cattily, "Actually...leave the clone..."
Her boys (and one girl) looked at her, mouths agape; Sasuke and his clone in particular looked like fishes trying to breathe out of water. But then, after the initial shock wore off, they all grinned widely at Sakura.
"And for Kami's sake," Sakura moaned, "tell me you've stashed an extra PBR around here somewhere...I think I need a drink..."
a/n lol, reviews and well wishes are always appreciated:)