"It cant go this long, we're sneaking around and we cant even have the courage to tell our friends" I say into my bowl of cereal. Beck is sure that this is completely and utterly fool proof and that I wont get tired of sneaking into janitors and his arms around my waist and not being able to look me in the eyes at lunch. But I am, Im so tired of coming to school alone and seeing him on her arm. At first us being a secret was fun but it's all I'll ever be, a dirty secret. Beck looks up at me from his newspaper and I cant read the expression on his face but I think its discovery and that comforts me the slightest. Dont get me wrong, I love Beck more than I should and I love kissing and touching and exchanging glances but I hate hiding.
There's a small silence before he sets down the newspaper and puts his elbows on the table.
"I thought you liked this, us" Beck says looking confused and I dont want to break his little Aladdin looking heart but I need to be real, Rex isnt here anymore and I need to be the one to say this. Rex hasn't been around in a while, stuffed in a cardboard box in my closet where he should stay. Rex was all the things I wasn't, the person that could easily hide what I actually wanted to say.
"No! I hate this Beck, No matter how many times I like to tell myself that, the reality of it is that you arent mine, You're Jades" I say with the most power I've ever said anything and it scares me. The look on Beck's face is horrendous and my hands are shaking and sweating and my chest aches with anticipation. I dont want Beck to leave, but I dont want him to stay if we cant tell anyone. It's a choice I've thought about one too many times. To be honest, Beck is Jade's no matter how much I don't want to believe it. He may kiss me and say he loves me but in the end, he'll be Jades.
" Im not her property. I could break up with her in a heartbeat If I wanted to-"
"Then why havent you" The words come out of my mouth before I have a chance to think about them. I hate being this blunt and this rude to Beck. I look over at Beck while my spoon leaves milk stands on the Sunday comics. Every Sunday is the same in this house, we have sex the night before and act like complete strangers in the morning. Around 2 o clock I go home without the slightest goodbye. I thought that being with Beck wouldn't make me lonely anymore, but Im more lonely when Im with Beck than when I was without him. I don't remember what my life was like before Beck. Sometimes when I cant sleep I try to and just draw a blank, nothing happens. Its alittle like nothing was right before Beck and nothing is right with Beck.
"You know its not easy Rob, please can we not talk about this" Beck looks at me from under his eyelashes. I stand up to empty my trash and I hear him follow me. I can feel him behind me, his breath on my neck as I drop both the bowl and the spoon into the sink, hearing the clang of dishes. Beck's hands are on both sides of my waist, trapping me between the counter top and his body. Another time I would be thrilled to be in this position but now isnt the time or place. There's so much regret going through my mind, so much hurt and betrayal that I don't want Beck to even touch me at the moment.
"Please, Rob I love you and I know you love me. Dont do this to me, to us" Beck says breathy and soft into my neck, his lips are ghosting over mine and I draw a blank again. He does these things to me, with the simplest notions. I want to kiss him, I want to remember the good times and the feel of his lips on my own and all those little lies he told me. Even the little lies make me feel good. His hands are on my waist now and his lips on my jaw line. I don't want to believe or to breathe. I want to push him off or pull him closer. It's a real rollercoaster