Pirates and/or Ninjas

It could have been a lovely day for the Third Hokage—or Joe-kage as some retarded teachers were fond of calling him—but no, no. Afore mentioned teacher, Iruka-sensei exploded into being onto his balcony, ruining everything.

"Hoooo-kage! Look who I found!" he announced in his annoyingly high-pitched, scratchy voice.

"For the love of Christ," the Hokage began, fed up already. "I am trying to attain inner peace you son of a—"

The Hokage found himself staring at none other than Monkey D. Luffy, grinning as widely as his face would let him…which was admittedly extremely wide.

The Hokage and Luffy stared at each other for a solid ten seconds.

"Can I have thish?" Luffy asked in his strange lisping way of speaking, holding up a photoshopped crystal ball.

"Eh…no," the Hokage answered. A very pregnant pause followed.

"I didn't want it anyway," Luffy said flippantly, and chucked the crystal ball behind him into the wall. Where it photoshop-shattered.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" the Hokage demanded, not expecting an answer. Luffy picked up the Dangerous Box.

"I'm takin' thish though," he said. That fuckin' sucks. The door suddenly opened and Naruto walked in.

"Hokage, I—" he started to say in his raspy smoker's voice, but stopped when he saw Luffy. Luffy blinked with sound effects. "That's a nice—"

Luffy screamed. "AUGH!"

"—hat," Naruto finished, not missing a beat.

Luffy struck a pose. "Sho, you want a challenge, do ya?"

Naruto looked delighted and surprised. "I do?"

Luffy looked thrilled. "You do?"

The Hokage cocked his shotgun.

"I do?"

"You do?"

"I do?"

The Hokage cocked his shotgun forty-seven times.


"I think—" the Hokage tried to say, but he was sadly interrupted.

"Brainsh are for idiotsh!" Luffy declared.

Iruka decided that it was a good time to open his mouth. "Yeah, he has a point there."

The Hokage cocked his bazooka.

"," Naruto declared as his brain went too fast for his tongue. Luffy blinked his eyes independently of each other with sound effects. "Your constant disassembly of dialogue is interfering with any rational plot development!" He got it the second time.

Luffy yelled, "WHAT THE FUCK ISH A PLOT?"

"We must find out because you're a pirate and I'm a ninja!" Naruto announced. Luffy got excited.

"Aw yeah, let'sh do thish thing!"

They both began charging their powers, Naruto's yellow (like his hair), and Luffy's red (like his vest). "AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Suddenly, Luffy opened his mouth and a knife flew out of his throat ("BLEH!") impaling itself in Lelouch's shoulder. Lelouch screamed and Luffy fist-pumped. "Jenga!"

"WHY?" Lelouch yelled, bleeding all over himself.

"Oh come on, quit being a sissy Mary," Yami Yugi admonished.

Lelouch started sobbing. "You don't know what this feels like." A splattering sound was made as a knife identical to the one in Lelouch's shoulder embedded itself in Yami's forehead. Lelouch and Yami stared at each other for a moment before a machine went off, shooting six more knives into Yami.

Yami smiled. "King of Games."

"Honestly, I don't understand what in the Christ is going on here," the Hokage admitted, rubbing his temples and taking a long drag on his bong—pipe!

"It all shtarted many moonsh ago before the time of the internet," Luffy answered.

"BULLSHIT!" Naruto called. "There's always been the internet!"


Naruto remained silent.

Iruka spoke up. "I like One Pie—" Luffy opened his mouth and a cat flew out of his throat, smacking Iruka in the face.

"Mittensh, now!" Luffy commanded. Mittens the Entirely White Cat suddenly flew up and self-destructed in Iruka's face, erasing everything and making him the new Slenderman.

The Hokage was pleased. "You're alright, Luffy."

"You, ah, want me to barf shomething up on Jumpshuit over here?" Luffy asked slyly, his eyes sliding towards Naruto.

"No no no, but this is something else I wanted to talk to you about," the Hokage said.

"If it'sh about bridgesh, forget it," Luffy replied. "I dig canalsh."

The Hokage ignored that. "What's your endgame? Almost nothing you do makes sense."

"Shenshe ish like cheeshecake," Luffy spouted wisely.

"I have a question, Luffy-sama-chan!" Naruto spoke up. "Why do you hate me so much?"

"Boy, I don't hate you!" Luffy responded. "I am you!"


"When a woman needsh to be comforted she tellsh you it's time to buy more shoesh! But she hash all the shoesh. So we really know she jusht needsh BOOTSH! Now everything makesh shenshe…forever." Wiser words have never before or since been spoken. Naruto stared at Luffy, and Luffy stared at Naruto. For five seconds.

"Ooooh, I see!" Naruto began. "The shoes represent imperialistic China—"

"BLEH!" This time the cat didn't come flying out of Luffy's mouth, but the Hokage's. It smacked Luffy in his widely grinning face. "Jenga." Luffy was confused.

AN: Song listened to while writing this when waiting for cupcakes to finish baking: Tokyo by The Wombats

Pirates vs. Ninjas?

Please…I'd rather see purple eyed freaks duke it out.

"It's your move," Lelouch yelled, five knives sticking out of his face, shoulders and chest.

"Get off my back!" Yami screamed, eleven knives sticking out of…everywhere.

This abridged work belongs to purpleeyeswtf who collaborated with LittleKuriboh. I make no profit off of this, just the lols. I just typed this thing up to share with everyone on Fan Fiction. Net because it's fun. Please leave a review on your way out. And to all fellow writers/abridgers/parodiers/fans/awesome people out there…