Disclaimer: "NCIS" and its characters don't belong to me they belong to CBS and are being used without permission. Please don't sue because I have no money.
Author's Note: Spoilers for Restless.
Mask Of A Clown
Why did I tell a story that wasn't true? Why did I tell everybody that I was the one who strung somebody from the flagpole? For so long I've thought it was John who I did this too, but it was John who did it to me. I told Gibbs that maybe it was because I wanted to protect myself. What other things that I have been saying that wasn't true to protect myself? I look back through my childhood and can't think of anything that what I thought wasn't true. Why was I always lying to myself? I've always had the mask of a clown to make sure that people didn't see the real me. Why did I make that mask? Was it to protect myself from further hurt?
I knew I did it to make myself feel better. When I wore the mask it was like everything rolled off of me and it didn't hurt me, but in reality it did. I didn't want people to see how my father treated me hurt me, or how my mother treated me before she died hurt me too. I never wanted anybody to see the real me because the real me was a sad and lonely little boy. A little boy who could get hurt because of an unkind word, or being ignored, or neglected.
Instead I made the mask and the jokes, so I wouldn't be lonely because everybody loved a clown. Everybody loved a person who played pranks, or someone who told jokes all the time. Nobody could see the real me and the mask of a clown was born. I was so good at lying to everybody about what I felt like, or what I thought. I never told anybody my real feelings and I never cried. I held everything in for years, but now because of what happened I couldn't.
I sit once again alone in my apartment as my mask of a clown lay scattered around me and I couldn't put it back together again. Did I want to put it back together again? The tears ran down my face as I sit in the dark and was glad that I was alone for this. I couldn't hold anything else in anymore and everything just exploded around me. Did I really want to pick up the pieces around me and start over again with my mask, or leave it there broken forever? Did I want to put it back on and be a clown again after putting it together again? I would think about it later because right now I'm tired and I need to sleep because tonight is a school night and I need my rest to go to work tomorrow.