So I re-read the last couple of chapters of 'You Make Loving Fun', and decided that I'm not as happy with them as I could be. They say that a change is as good as a rest, so I decided to have a go at the other story that has been rattling around my head lately. I'm not sure how good an idea it is for me to have 2 stories on the go at once, but I'll see how it goes. And I am definitely still continuing with the other - this one probably won't be a priority.

This is all just a bit of daft fun, that I hope amuses people! This chapter is really just an introduction to the story. I had a bit more written, but this seemed like a good place to end for now.

Hope you enjoy!

Myrtle


Capes And Capers

My name is Naomi, and ever since I was a little girl I've known that I'm different. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: everyone goes through that at some point in their life, right? I know, but for me it's really true. You see: I'm a superhero. Yes, I'm Ultra Woman. The girl who flies around in a sky-blue cape, saving people from burning buildings? That's me.

I'm from another planet originally, and came to earth as a baby. How or why, I don't know. What I do know is that I was found by a young couple called Gina and Alan. They took me in and treated me as if I was their own for the next six months. Then Alan decided that he didn't want to be a father and fucked off, never to be seen by either of us again. But Gina never abandoned me. She raised me – and loved me – as if I really had been her own flesh and blood.

It wasn't always easy for her. She was terrified that if the government found out about me, I would spend the rest of my days being experimented on in a laboratory somewhere. I didn't fancy the sound of that – sampling mums strange attempts at cooking was enough experimentation for me. So we kept ourselves to ourselves, and kept my special abilities hidden from the rest of the world.

Mum did her best to home-school me, which was a unique experience. Being the only child in the class meant that I was always called on to answer questions. And goofing off just wasn't an option. It didn't matter that I could use my super-human speed to put drawing pins on the teacher's chair – mum always knew that it was me. The end of term school play was always fun though – I was guaranteed to get cast in every single role. But our attempt at forming a school debate team is best left forgotten.

As a child, I rarely mixed with other people. It left me with barely any social skills, but I never seemed to need them. My only friend was a girl the same age as me called Effy. She lived next door with her brother and her mother. At first, we kept the Stonem family at arms length – things were safer that way. But something about Effy drew me in. I thought she was the most beautiful person that I'd ever seen, and I longed to get to know her. Like me, she never seemed to play with other children, always preferring to be alone.

One day, she was sat under a tree in her back garden, writing in a notebook. I had climbed a tree in my own garden, just so I could watch her. Effy's brother Tony appeared from nowhere, and snatched the notebook from her. I watched with mounting anger as he taunted her with it, pretending to give it back, then raising it out of her grasp. Then he shoved it into the back pocket of his jeans, and started to climb a tree, knowing fine well that Effy couldn't follow him up there. Unable to contain my frustration, I glanced hastily around to make sure no-one was watching. Then I used my heat vision to snap the branch that Tony was reaching for. It surprised him, and he fell the short distance backwards to the ground. For a moment, he lay there like an upturned turtle, his arms and legs flailing against nothing. A peel of amused laughter from Effy split the air. Tony leapt to his feet, his face flushing scarlet. He threw the notebook at Effy, and stomped off into the house. I expected Effy to pick up her book, but she didn't. As I looked to see why, I realised that she was staring straight at me, a curious look on her face.

I soon discovered that I had piqued Effy's curiosity. It didn't take long for us to become firm friends, and I decided to trust her with my secret. Oddly enough, it didn't faze her at all. She accepted it without question, and treated me as though I was normal. Mum freaked out when she first found out that I had told Effy, but she calmed down eventually. Soon, we both became friends with the whole family. Mum was a little worried when Anthea and Tony found out about me, but they showed no inclination to spread it around.


It was as I got older that I started to realise that my powers could actually be useful. I started helping people whenever I could, always trying to stay out of sight, away from any publicity. Eventually, mum suggested that I should create a secret identity for myself.

"I'll make you an outfit!" She declared, clapping her hands together excitedly. I rolled my eyes at her. I thought I was the one from another planet!

I soon discovered that she was very serious. She came in one day with mountains of brightly coloured spandex.

"Are we having an Eighties revival?" I asked with distain. Mum simply chuckled and got to work at her sewing machine.

Later that day, she hounded me to try on the outfit she had made. She insisted that it had to be made of spandex, to cut down on wind resistance when I fly. I wondered how come she was suddenly such an expert. Was there a 'super-hero milliners shop' that I didn't know about? Not wanting to argue, I agreed to try the outfit on. I walked back into the sitting room feeling ridiculous.

"Well?" I asked expectantly. Effy was sat on the sofa, casually flicking through a magazine. She glanced up and smirked at my appearance. My mum gasped, and I swear I saw tears in her eyes. The outfit was very tight, clinging uncomfortably to every single inch of me. It was bright pink, with a darker pink belt around my hips.

"Naomi, you look wonderful!" Said my mother.

"Very fetching!" Added Keiran, my mother's boyfriend. I turned to receive the only opinion that had an outside chance of being sane.

"What do you think?" I asked Effy. She surveyed me with an eyebrow arched.

"Super!" She said, while suppressing a giggle. I rolled my eyes at her. "Well it doesn't leave much to the imagination, does it?" She asked.

"Oh God!" I walked towards my mother's full length mirror, staring at myself as I turned this way and that.

"I've always thought your arse was your best feature" said Effy with a mischievous wink.

"Right that's it, I'm not wearing it!"

"Nonsense!" Declared my mother. "It looks perfect. We'll add a cape if you like, although why you want to cover up what nature has given you…" Her voice trailed away as she headed back to her sewing machine.

"I still don't see how no-one will recognise me" I huffed, desperately trying to get out of wearing this thing.

"Well it'll keep their eyes off your face, for a start" said Keiran helpfully. Mum clipped him around the ear, causing him to yelp in pain.

"Don't be silly" she scolded. "I've made this!" With mounting dread, I looked at what my mother was holding in her hand.

"A mask!" I asked, incredulous.

"I think a mask would be very sharp" added Keiran.

Soon I was fully kitted out in my new outfit, along with mask, boots and a sky-blue cape that just skimmed the base of my bum. Mum sighed nostalgically as she watched me.

"Oh, I remember when you first came to us" she said dreamily. I shot a smirk at Effy. We had heard this tale so many times before. Unaware of our exchange, mum continued: "We were fucking on a beach in India, when we heard this huge crash."

"What?" I asked in horror. Okay, this part was new. I always thought they were sunbathing! "You never told me that!"

Mum tutted at me.

"You're old enough to know these things now, Naomi. How do you think you got here – by stork?"

"I'm adopted, mother" I answered dryly.

"What are you going to call yourself?" Asked mum, changing the subject. I shrugged.

"Do I really need a name?"

"Well of course you need a name! How else will the papers write about you?"

"Wonder Girl!" Suggested Keiran with enthusiasm. I glared at him. "Er, Wonder Woman?" He amended, tentatively.

"I think that one's been used already" I answered.

We began to hotly debate what exactly I should call myself. Most of the suggestions began with either 'super' or 'wonder'. The argument threatened to drag on into the night, as I didn't like any of the ideas that were given.

"We all write our favourite suggestion down on a piece of paper" offered Effy with a bored sigh. "Then they all get mixed together, you pick one at random and you have to stick to it. Okay?" I mulled it over for a minute, before requesting a proviso.

"I get to blackball three names though, if I don't like them." Anthea and Tony had joined us by this point, and a few bottles of wine had already disappeared. I was seriously dreading whatever suggestions I was going to get.

"You get one blackball" said Effy decisively. I tried to argue for two, but the rest of our group were adamant.

A few minutes later, I nervously reached into a bowl full of name suggestions. Cautiously, I selected a piece of paper, and unfolded it. It wasn't hard to work out whose it was.

"Tony, there is no way I'm calling myself 'Lady Boobilicious'!"

"But it suits you!" He told me with a wide grin. I scrunched the paper and threw it to the floor, before reaching for another.

"You've got to stick to this one" said Effy.

"What! That can't be my blackball, it wasn't even a proper suggestion!" Effy simply smirked, to show that she wouldn't budge. I took a deep breath, and unfolded the second suggestion.

"Superdrug?" I stared in amazement at the name in front of me. "Are you shitting me?" I looked dubiously around the room. Who on earth thought that was a good name?

"I couldn't think of anything else," said Keiran with a shrug. "But I thought it had a nice ring to it." I rolled my eyes at him.

"That's because it's a chain of chemists, you prick!"

"Is it? Oh. Well, you learn something new every day."

I sighed, and reached again for the bowl of papers. Effy arched an eyebrow at me.

"What?" I asked. "Effy, are you seriously going to make me fly around the skies of Bristol calling myself 'Superdrug'? I'll be a fucking laughing stock!" For a moment, we stared each other out. I honestly thought that she was going to try making me stick to the deal, but finally she relented.

"Yeah, it's probably copyrighted anyway."

I opened up the third paper.

"Ultra Woman."


That was about a year ago. Since then, the people of Bristol have gotten used to seeing me flying through the sky. I help out whenever I can – your usual super-hero stuff, really. Fighting crime, rescuing people from fires. The occasional cat stuck in a tree, but I don't make a habit of that.

The job has its perks too. We put a patent on my image, and I have a number of sponsorship deals that bring in quite a bit of money. There are action figures of me for sale, for Christ sakes! Merchandising is a pretty lucrative game. What, did you expect me to give all that to charity? Come on, I'm not Mother Fucking Theresa! A girl's still got to eat! It makes a nice change, really. Money had always been tight while I was growing up, but now we're pretty comfortable.

My love life has picked up somewhat as well, since becoming Ultra Woman. It's easier to chat people up when I'm in costume. Everyone expects Ultra Woman to be really confident, so it's easy enough to pretend. And a lot of girls really go for that Super-hero thing. Oh, didn't I mention that? Yeah, I'm as gay as a window. Good thing too, really. For some reason, men don't seem to like the idea of a woman who is much stronger than them. Maybe they think I'll accidentally snap their cock off if we go to it. But for women, it's a different matter - they really like it.

Okay, not all women. Some seem to find the whole 'from another planet' thing off-putting. I look completely human in every way, but some women just get wigged out by it. I don't know - perhaps they think my fingers shoot sperm or something. (They don't, by the way).

But of course I still have to be careful who I trust. Being Ultra Woman is handy for getting dates, but I've yet to meet anyone that I would trust my secrets with. I would love to meet a woman that I could share my whole self with, but it hasn't happened yet. I haven't given up hope though – I feel sure that the right woman for me is out there somewhere.


For those that didn't get the reference, 'Ultra Woman' and her costume comes from an episode of The New Adventures of Superman. Do a Google image search of Ultra Woman if you want to see how the costume looks.