This is a Skulduggery and Harry Potter crossover.

It is the first crossover that I've ever done, but please forgive me if there's any mistakes or…Whatever else that could be considered wrong, and not in the dirty sense, for all you perverts out there. ;)

I don't own either Skulduggery Pleasant or Harry Potter, their rights go to the respective owners, and if anyone disagrees with it, well I can promise you that I know the art of the Red Right Hand and all three Forbidden Curses.

So don't try anything. Get it? ^-^

Any questions?

Then we shall proceed.

Please enjoy!



Valkyrie stared at the spot that he had just vacated with a 'pop' and rush of air, blinking stupidly like a rather retarded sheep. She looked towards Ghastly, Tanith and Fletcher, but they all wore similar expressions on their faces. Fletcher's even more retarded than per usual, which was clearly saying something.

They were stood in the back of Bespoke's Tailors, and their partner, whom had been standing beside them only seconds before in the dimly lit room, had suddenly just disappeared with a sharp crack of air as he had been about to answer a question.

"Ok. Am I missing something here?" Tanith asked slowly, tentatively putting her hand through the spot where he had just been.

"I thought I was special!"

"Impossible. Fletcher, the only 'special' award you would get, is for your extremely ridiculous hair style and being put in a museum of ridiculous hair. Now get over yourself, or go look in a mirror for the next half an hour." Valkyrie said absently, staring into the vacant space.

"But what would you be doing?" Fletcher asked in a rather hurt voice, touching his hair indignantly and making sure it was still in it's usual proud position.

Valkyrie rounded on him, taking her eyes off of empty space to fix the scariest glare she could muster on him. "We're going to find out when Skulduggery learned to teleport, how it was possible, and, most importantly, where he is now. Ok? So sit down, and shut up." She snapped, shock driving the force behind her tone more than anything else.

Fletcher visibly drooped and collapsed in a chair as the silence reigned once again as they all tried to think of what to do.

"…Anyone for coffee before we begin to start planning?" Ghastly asked simply.

Yes I do a prologue.

Deal with it. Chapter one is still RIGHT HERE though. ;)

Dead Magic.

Chapter 1.

Skulduggery looked around in bafflement, his skull gleaming with rain as it pelted down upon him, soaking him through to the bone.

He was stood in open ground, and was in the same position he had been in not seconds before, but in unfamiliar surroundings. For example, there was a castle in the distance, and a huge great winding path not far off which led to it. But all that was on his…consciousness, seeing as he didn't technically have a mind, since there was no brain, was to get somewhere dry and figure out what had happened, and why.

Of course, where he was also happened to figure in to that calculation.

He thought about putting his hat and scarf on, but since he was already soaked, and there was no one around anyway, there was no point. Other than doing so for the sake of, which he didn't believe in. Unless it helped to boost his ego, which was always considered necessary.

Therefore, he put them on quickly, wrapping the scarf securely around his face and proudly donning his hat.

He walked over to a gigantic tree, one with many cracks and gnarled pieces of bark protruding from it, and as it kept him nicely out of the rain, he started to think aloud to himself.

"Well. I could still be in Ireland…as it is still raining. Of course, there's the problem of how I got here. I can't teleport, unlike Fletcher, and he wasn't holding on to me, and I would have seen him leave me…hmm." He said absently to himself, lost in confused thought.

In this time, he failed to notice the canopy of leaves withdraw their rain protection from him, allowing the raindrops to fall on him once more. It was only when he heard a colossal creaking from above him, that he finally looked up in surprise, raising his eye-less sockets to the peculiar sight above through his already donned sunglasses.

"What the-" He started to question, but he didn't have time to finish, as a mass of branches rained down upon him, driving like needles of twigs and clubs of wood towards him, forcing him to dive away and roll up, mud caking his coat all the way down.

Skulduggery was not impressed.

Or rather, he wouldn't have been, as he was trying to avoid another attack from the dangerous barrages of branches that were crashing down on him as much as they could, swiping their limbs at him mercilessly.

When he checked his gun, he found he had no bullets, and the cartridges were on the inside of his loose shirt, concealed in a small inside pocket to protect them. He sighed and clicked his fingers instead, summoning a flame.

"Sorry tree, but you don't mess with this skeleton." He said regretfully, hurling the fireball at the tree.

Immediately it caught flame, and the giant tree moaned pitifully and thrashed around wildly as it tried to escape the flames clutches, throwing itself into a death trance.

"Aguamenti!" A male voice called out from behind him. Startled, he turned to see a man with shoulder length black hair and black robes striding towards him, holding a stick out in front of him as a torrent of water poured forth from it and doused the fire on the tree with a dying hiss, leaving the tree to moan pitifully.

"Ah. Thank you. I would have done that myself, but-" Skulduggery started, but the other man swiftly cut him off, as if he was used to doing so on many an occasion.

"Why did you set the Whomping Willow alight? Do you know how long this tree has been on school grounds?" He demanded scornfully.

"I-uh…No…But-Wait. This is a school?" Skulduggery asked in surprise. It was the other man's turn to look surprised, although if he was, he showed it slightly by mockingly raising an eyebrow at him.

"Yes…This is Hogwarts school for Witchcraft and Wizardry, and you are trespassing, and violating school grounds…" He said, his voice radiating a underlying dangerous tone.

Skulduggery nodded, putting his hands in his pockets. "I suppose I have…Yes…But enough of that, my name is Detective Pleasant, and this here tree attacked me. Witchcraft and Wizardry? You can't teach magic to those who aren't born with it. Oh! And your name by the way?" He asked brightly. The other man stared at him for a second before answering.

"We don't teach magic to muggles…Detective…As you said yourself, one can't do magic if those people aren't born with it. My name is Professor Snape…Its nice…to meet you…Now I think you'd better come with me Detective." He said dryly, holding out his arm to the detective.

Confused, Skulduggery laid his arm on Snape's, being careful so as not to show that he was a skeleton by letting Snape see his bony hand. There was a sharp crack and they vanished into thin air, re-appearing outside a rather large ornate door. Without hesitating, Snape knocked on it.

"Err, excuse my ignorance…but how did we get here?" Skulduggery asked in shock, gazing around him at the brickwork of the inside of the castle.

"We apparated. Surely you know that." Snape said, narrowing his eyes at the detective. Skulduggery, had he had any eyes, would have stared at him in utter perplexity, but seeing as he didn't, he had to stare at him through his completely shaded in sunglasses.

"Mmmm…hm?" Skulduggery hmm'd, deciding to go along with it.

"Come in." A slightly fragile voice said from within the door that Snape had knocked on only seconds before. Frowning down at Skulduggery's coat, he flicked something that had been concealed in his sleeve at the coat, and mud rose off of it like steam and crumbled into nought but dust. The skeleton stared with his sightless eye-sockets, and he allowed himself to be dragged along by the arm of his suit which Snape was holding in an almost death-grip.

"Headmaster. I found an intruder in the grounds, and he set fire to the Whomping Willow." Snape announced.

"Must say, you're quite good at stating the obvious aren't you." Skulduggery commented. Snape glared at him, but he remained silent. Skulduggery looked at his surroundings. He was in a giant stone-based room, that was full of cupboards which were filled with…papers and other odd contraptions. One had what looked like a miniature wash basin, full with water so still and tranquil, that it could have been frozen over like ice. The thing that astonished him most however, were the paintings that were dotted all over the walls, even up the walls that accompanied the steps of where a large desk lay beyond it, a very important chair stood behind it.

Next to the desk was a bird perch, on top of said perch, was indeed a bird. Although it was a bird that Skulduggery had thought was only ever told of in ancient myths that came from places such as Greece…or…wherever. Surely Phoenixes shouldn't exist. But then compared to monsters he had fought in the past, it should hardly have been a surprise.

Then Skulduggery got a good look at the man he had been brought to see. He was basically standing in front of a man who was tall, thin and very old, judging by the silver of his hair and beard, which were both tied into pony-tails. He was wore faded light blue robes that brushed the floor, and his blue eyes were light and serious, but held a sparkling sense of humour deep within them behind half-moon spectacles that were perched on his slightly crooked nose.

"Excuse me for asking, but who might you be?" Skulduggery asked, cocking his head to the left slightly.

"May I ask you the same question?" The man responded.

"You may." Skulduggery said, his voice muffled by the scarf as he nodded once. There was a silence. "…Well…Ask it then." He prompted.

The man blinked once from behind his glasses and cleared his throat. "I am Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, and the headmaster of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry." Dumbledore introduced himself.

Skulduggery nodded thoughtfully. "Ok…well…I am Detective Pleasant…and I am here due…to…an…infestation." He said calmly. Both the professors looked at him oddly.

"An infestation?" Dumbledore asked incredulously.

"Hogwarts does not have an infestation, rats like yourself or otherwise." Snape said curtly. He turned to Dumbledore. "Excuse me Headmaster, I do rather think that I should check him to see if he has had the Cruciatus or some other….dark magic…placed upon him." He suggested, splaying his hands out, but keeping his fingers interlocked.

Skulduggery looked at Snape sharply with a swift turn of his head, nearly making him lose the sunglasses, which he used a gloved skeletal hand to push back up so that they covered his eye sockets once more. "Well that doesn't sound too…nice. So can we skip that bit and just let me investigate? I should say it would take me at least three days at the most, if not two. Then I shall be out of your hair." He glanced at Snape. "I hope you wash your hair. Being black, it looks awfully greasy."

Snape glared at him until Dumbledore raised his hand palm up, looking at them through his spectacles. "Of course. As you wish. However there is the problem of which house dormitory you should stay in. Detective, which house do you wish to stay in, mind you would be put in one of the higher years dormitories." Dumbledore asked him kindly, pointedly ignoring Snape's evil looks that he was getting.

Skulduggery was a little nonplussed at this, as he didn't understand what they were talking about. "Err…Which houses can I choose from?" He asked uncertainly.

"Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Gryffindor…and Slytherin." Dumbledore informed him. The concealed skeleton mulled over this new information.

"I think Gryffindor sounds quite safe, if I may." Skulduggery decided.

Dumbledore nodded and handed him a piece of faded parchment. "That is completely fine. You may use this map to navigate your way to the Gryffindor common room. Upon entering the common room, if you ask for Hermione Granger, I'm sure she would be more than willing to help you find out anything you need to know. And that map…It belongs to Harry Potter, if you wouldn't mind returning it for me?"

Skulduggery had no idea who these people were that Dumbledore was mentioning, but he kept quiet and nodded often, pretending that he understood as he took the map. He turned and started to make his way out of the door, when Dumbledore called out to him.

"By the way, the password for the Gryffindor common room is Caput Draconis." He added, smiling for the first time since Skulduggery had met him, casting a whole new light upon him that made him seem slightly younger.

"Thank you Professor. I shall inform you when my…investigation is complete." Skulduggery said, pulling his hat down low over his skull as he exited the room.

Snape followed him out, closing the door behind him as he murmured his goodbye to Dumbledore. Then he turned to Skulduggery, looking down at him superiorly as though looking at something particularly nasty.

"I suggest…Detective…that you stay away from the Slytherin house. It is known across the school that Gryffindor and Slytherin are…rivals…as such. And as I am the head of Slytherin house, it would do you good to stay out of my way." He advised with a sadistic smirk.

Skulduggery had had enough of this guy. He went to hit him, but Snape caught his punch with a slight stagger. He had good reflexes, even if he had been caught by surprise. But Skulduggery swiftly took his gloved hand out of Snape's hold and grabbed him by the collar with both of his gloved hands, shoving him up against a wall roughly.

"I do not particularly know you, and nor you I. You are the head of Slytherin house…fine by me, but please, the louder you bark, the weaker you are. You have no idea who I am, what I am capable of, or whether I am a nice person or not. So please, professor. It be best if you stay out of my way. You do your job, and I'll do mine." Skulduggery said threateningly, neither raising or lowering his voice.

Snape grunted slightly as he managed to prise Skulduggery's hands off of him, and he smoothed down his black robes with a scowl. With a sceptical snort, he turned on his heel and marched off down the hallway…looking slightly paler than he had before.

"Oh, by the way. Rats like myself often come back for more when provoked." Skulduggery called after him mockingly. Snape's body stiffened as he walked, but never faltered in his stride.

Skulduggery sighed and took a look at the map that had been already opened for him. He stared…and stared…and stared.


Or rather, the things on the map did.

"Ok…uhh…uhh…Oh my god." He muttered. 'What were the names Dumbledore gave me? Urmm…Ah! Hermione Granger…and she is…aha! There we go, the Gryffindor common room.' He thought to himself.

Looking around him quickly to make sure there was no one around that was looking at him specifically, he started to make his way towards the common room.

After about five to ten minutes of walking, of which he was even more baffled when the some of the stairs he had been walking on moved when he stepped off of them, he came to a large painting at the top of the next flight of stairs.

"Yeah well Potter, we'll see who's laughing later." A snide voice said from the top of the stairs. A tall blonde haired boy came hurrying down the stairs towards him, and if Skulduggery hadn't moved quickly out of the way, he would have walked right into him.

The boy glared at him over his shoulder as he pushed past. "Watch where you're going, idiot." He said nastily.

Skulduggery was rather taken aback by the kid's attitude, and he drew himself up to his full height to retaliate. He poked his finger into the boy's chest sharply. "Bugger off you little squirt." He said in a menacing growl.

The boy paled and started to walk off again. "My father will hear about this." He muttered.

"WAS THAT A THREAT?" Skulduggery roared at him, whipping round to glare at the boy's back, which was now disappearing at an extremely fast run. Skulduggery grunted in annoyance and set his hat straight.

There was a snigger from the top of the stairs, and he looked up in surprise to see a boy of about the same age as the rude one he had just yelled at, but with dark hair and glasses, and a rather odd scar on his forehead that resembled a lightening bolt.

"You know, I don't think I've ever seen him run so fast. Think you could do that to him on a more regular basis for me? Or when I have a camera to hand?" The boy said, grinning at him.

Skulduggery chuckled and made his way up the stairs to join him. "I don't see why not. But I wonder if you can help me. I'm looking for Hermione Granger and Harry Potter, I'm supposed to be staying in the Gryffindor dormitory or something? It was something to do with a common room…or something like that anyway." Skulduggery inquired politely, taking an immediate liking to the boy as he shook his hand formally.

"Then halfway there, and I can solve the other half for you." The boy said, his grin still in place. "See, I'm Harry…and one of my best friends is Hermione."

Skulduggery took the map and folded up, which by the creases in it, must have been done so many times. "Then I believe this belongs to you." He said, handing it to Harry. "Now…uhh…Can we get into this common room place?" He asked jovially.

"Of course! Seeing as your quest is now complete, we best find you a room." Harry said, walking up to a painting with Skulduggery following in his wake, glancing around at all the moving paintings with interest.

"I was on a quest? Silly, quests are for noble people who do noble things like saving damsels in distress-"

A scream sounded from within the common room beyond as Harry spoke the password and entered with Skulduggery behind him.

Harry spoke in an undertone to him quickly. "Speaking of damsels in distress. I think Ron just asked Hermione to do his potions homework again for the fourth time this week."

Skulduggery snorted with amusement, and then got a good look at the scene before him. "Uhm. Can I ask…" He said uncertainly. "Why is she pointing a stick at him?"

Ok, this was chapter one. It was posted today due to much pestering of one of my this chapter is for him. Enteipoke, you know who you are. -.-''

I'll update quicker if I get more reviews, ok? ^_^ So please review, because I have many funny events coming up soon! =D

Much love,