A/N: Wow. Angsty!Gwaine. Fun… Anyways, if I owned Merlin, it would be out now. Like, right this minute. And I would be watching it.

Gwaine went through life, yeah. He did it smiling. That's why no one ever knew. He always gave himself commands. That's how disconnected he was.

Laugh. Good. Alright, aim a joke at Arthur. Hey, Merlin laughed. Figured. Drink.

It always came back to drinking. It was originally just part of his act, you know, to look more natural.

Then it was a habit. Then an addiction. He had learned to function with it.

Training? Really? Probably shouldn't have made fun of the Princess. Oh, God, he wants to fight me. Upwards parry, strike his chest.

He needed help badly. He needed to get out of his life. He wished he could be Merlin. Merlin, always happy, always laughing.

Damn, I let that one get in. Growl! Show the Princess who's boss. Block the next one, there's a good lad, strike. YES! I hit him. Laugh again. Oh, look, he's mad. Strike again.

Gwaine went through life. He didn't know how, though. It was an endless cycle.

Glad that's over ,then. Drink. Oh, look. Gwen and Arthur, kissing. Don't be jealous. Really, it was your own fault, you and your stupid lines.

When he thought he had a chance with Gwen, he was happy. Then he leaned about Arthur and her. Every girl he fancied was always taken. The one who wasn't was dead.

Oh God, no. No. Don't think about her, that's over , she's dead .No! No, you idiot, don't you know anything? You don't cry. You're not capable of tears. No.

He had close calls with tears. Merlin called him out on most of them. But Gwaine would joke about something , and Merlin would forget. Arthur said no man is worth your tears. After wasting his tears on a woman, Gwaine vowed that nothing was worth them.

Got to get home, it's late. No, don't walk sideways. Tell Merlin politely that no help is necessary. Get home, pass out. Good.

Sleep was what he loved, really. He saw himself with Gwen, sometimes. Either way, he had to remind himself it wasn't real.

Wake up. Stretch. Oh, damn, the head. Find the sword. Yeah, good. Put it to your head. Cold… Much better.

Gwaine went through life. He never knew why.

Face a new day.

A/N: Please review!