Now, this sounds odd, but this actually contains Harry Potter spoilers (little ones) if that worries you, please turn away.


"I'm a dastardly villain. Dastardly. Sly. Handsome. Arrogant. Dastardly. What does dastardly even mean? God knows, All I know is that, I am it. The epitome." Sasuke nodded to himself and altered his akatsuki cloak so it fell more jauntily over his shoulders. As an after thought, he pulled his trousers down, so his pale hips jutted just above the waistline. "Dastardly." He muttered, smirking, brushing his hair back in a flick reminiscent of models in hair commercials.

If a man could be gloriously beautiful, then Sasuke Uchiha was.

"Ano… S-S" A voice stuttered behind him, it's owner having approached whilst Sasuke was occupied.

Sasuke twirled around, his elegance rather unbefitting a rouge ninja. He was faced with a Kohona Kunochi, and his hand moved towards his sword.

Heaven help him, the girl may present him with flowers or something.

"Sasuke-san?" The girl raised her head, and Sasuke realised that she was the female component of team eight. The Hyuga heir. The quiet girl. You had to watch the quiet ones. His eyes narrowed.

"What's your business here?" He sneered.

"Well…" She fiddled with her fingers, and Sasuke realised his Sharingan was activated when he realised he was mirroring her actions and pressing his fingers together. He threw his hands apart with flourish."I was on a mission." She timidly replied. "The boys are camping back in the forest… I went to get some water… I bumped into you…" She trailed off, her eyes flickering around the clearing, away from Sasuke.

"I…o-overheard you. I thought I could help."

Sasuke refrained from cackling. He hadn't yet progressed to madness, though recent events were eventually going to lead him down that path. Instead he simply frowned, and raised one eyebrow in an expression so acidic it made the poor Hyuga girl flustered even though she was concentrating on a spot at least three meters to the left of his head.

"You could help?" Sasuke repeated, allowing sarcasm to cover for his lack of comeback.

"Well…" She sighed. "You're not very dastardly. Not really."

Sasuke pouted. "I am." He retorted

She shrugged it off. "Not really. You could improve."


She looked into his eyes, her eyes big and round with enthusiasm. "Yes. Really. Now pull your trousers up and stop looking at yourself in that puddle over there. You could be dastardly. Let me give you s-some tips."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed again. "What have you ever done that's dastardly? You don't look the dastardly type."

She didn't at all. Her eyes were wide and as innocent as they were white. There wasn't anything really special about her, though her lips were shiny. Very shiny. She didn't look like a villain at all. She was a shrinking violet trope, through and through.

She brightened considerably. "That's the key to it all. P-please pull your trousers up. It's distracting."

Sasuke glowered. "What have you done that's dastardly?" But he complied, and covered his exposed flesh.

"Well…" She mused. "You weren't around for when my Nii-san defeated me in the chuunin exams, but well, I help clip Kiba's dog's claws every month. I collect a supply and each month, Neji eats Akamaru's nail trimmings on top of his bento meals. Sometimes I even stick in some of Shino's dead bugs. Of course, it's all crushed and indistinguishable."

Sasuke blanched. "That is pretty dastardly" he admitted.

Hinata put a finger to her lip and stroked it, pouting a little. "I've done worse…"

Sasuke stared. Hinata stared.

"Like what?" Sasuke asked, fascinated by the morbidity.

"Ino once called me fat, or rather, she insinuated it, and thought I wan't clever enough to understand what she was implying. I left her mobile phone number in a telephone booth in downtown Kohona with an advertisement- you know, S&M, anyone looking for a good time… she keeps on changing her number but I always replace the calling card. Savvy right? Drives her mad on a Saturday night."

"Savvy is a cool word." Sasuke nodded, acknowledging the girl, if not accepting a greater power.

Hinata grinned. It looked out of place on her face, and the effect was rather unsettling. Sasuke's stomach jolted oddly, as if it wanted to break free, and run away from the frankly terrifying girl.

"There was this one time that Kakashi brushed me over so he could get Neji on his team. Needless to say- I was not amused so I… oh, you. We ought to get on with you."

"Tell the end of the story." Sasuke blurted out.

"Oh, well. It was understandable and everything I guess because Neji was more suited to that kind of mission, but I had to be satisfied."

"Damn right." Sasuke agreed. He would have been pissed had he ever been passed over for a mission.

"I left a box of expensive hair products outside his door, as if they were from a secret admirer. Of course, they were tampered with. I had used up most of my lady hair removal creams and mixed them into the shampoos and serums . Of course, he used them. Imagine the panic he must have felt when he thought he was going bald. I still laugh when I notice how thin and straggly his hair is nowadays" She giggled to herself.

Sasuke's stomach attempted to escape up Sasuke's oesophagus. She was fucking perfect.

"Now. You."

"H-hai." It was Sasuke's turn to stutter.

"Who is your role model when it comes to villainy?"

"Orochimaru. Itachi occasionally. Madara sometimes. Perhaps sometimes when I really think about it-"

"No. You're wrong. There is only one true villain."

"Huh?" Sasuke didn't even bother to look cool. She was the superior here.

"Snape. Severus Snape." She answered

"From Harry Potter? The potions master?"


"But he's a good guy. At the end." Sasuke muttered.

"So was your brother. Mindfuckery Sasuke. Mindfuckery." Hinata tapped a finger to her head knowingly. "Do you think I act heavenly for the sheer fun of it? Neji suspects, Ino suspects, Kakashi suspects, but then they just feel paranoid... who could imagine me actually tampering with their hair products or leaving their phone number by prostitutes calling cards?"

"Or putting ground up dog nails in their food, but anyway, surely, Voldemort is far more-"

"He Isn't." Hinata insisted, and rolled her eyes. "Novice mistake."

"How come?" Sasuke was an eager learner.

"Too transparent. Too obvious. A true villain has no real reason to be a bastard. It is imbued in their soul, written into their DNA. They do it because they can. Voldemort has a reason, a motive, an aspiration. He is not a true villain. Snape on the other hand… Snape is a bastard because he is. It's nothing to do with being a Slytherin, or even being bullied. He's just a bastard. A glorious Bastard, and something we can all aspire to."

Sasuke gaped with new understanding. "It's all so clear now…. But I have a reason, a past… how can I ever…"

"Oh Sasuke…" she sighed, her soft voice eliciting a sudden leap from the Uchiha's heart. "You were a prick before you ever had a reason to be a prick, you chauvinistic, elitist Uchiha. You have potential. Big potential. Look where your Brother went. You could surpass Itachi easily"

Sasuke's heart started beating faster. "T-thank you" he muttered.

"No problem." She smiled. "Now. What are your plans?"

"Akasuki…Team Taka…"

"You need to plot a bit more." Hinata nodded. "And Akatsuki was your brother's thing. Really you ought to do something on your own."

"Yeah… I guess. I don't know where to go from here though." Sasuke shrugged. "Everything seems to have been done already. I don't know where I can make my mark. There's nothing original."

Hinata pouted. "You'll have to come up with something."

Sasuke shook his head. "It's hard."

"You'll figure it out." Hinata stated soberly, but not before noticing her watch. "I need to get back to my team. They've probably attempted something stupid. Do you know that Shino once dared Kiba to cut off his arm once and Kiba attempted it?"

"I didn't."

"Well. You do now."

"Oh Cool. Cheers."

"No problem." Hinata smiled softly, and turned.

Sasuke's heart suddenly beat loud against his ribcage. He knew he was afflicted with something, and that Hinata's leaving would make it worse. He had to stop her.

"Wait!" He said.

She turned around before she leapt into the trees.

Silence reigned whilst Sasuke thought of something he could say that was truly and utterly inspiring.

"Your sandals are inappropriate ninja footwear." He said.

Hinata blinked. Sasuke blinked.

"I brought them from the ninja-wear shop in Kohona." Hinata insisted.

"Look at those heels. You'll twist your ankle if you wear those."

Hinata raised her foot and examined it, twisting for examination. "I've had them for two B missions. They haven't caused me any problems."

"It's a matter of time then. You could fall badly and be taken down before you know it if you twist your ankle. You should go for more supportive footwear."

"I guess you're right. They're not exactly regular shinobi footwear." A pout marred her face, but she returned to look at Sasuke and smiled brightly. "Thanks for the tip. Good luck on becoming a true dastardly villain." She waved and pounced into the trees, probably reluctant to find the mess that would have been made at camp in her absence.

Sasuke stopped himself from waving lamely and stared in her general direction. She was right. Akatsuki was Itachi's thing. Being a rouge ninja was Itachi's thing. His chest ached. He couldn't even remember the name of the Hyuuga kunochi with the shiny lips.

Then it hit him.

The key was mindfuckery. What could mindfuck the elders of Kohona more than Sasuke turning back to Kohona and demanding compensation for the loss of his family? Perhaps then he ought to start making outrageous demands; he totalled what idiotic things he could ask for in his compensation package to piss off as many people as possible- Ichiraku's ramen shop sprang to mind, as did the Hokage monument and the Hyuga heiresses' hand in marriage. His mind was made up.

He headed east, to Kohona, his Akatsuki cloak abandoned and his sword sheathed.

He was on his way to becoming the most dastardly of them all. A sly, dastardly smirk ran across his face. Kohona had better prepare for the largest compensation claim in Ninja history.

Author's note

Had this idea after I bumped into a guy I liked and the first thing he said to me was that my friend's shoes were inappropriate for lab-wear. (After a long and awkward silence). Anyhow- assume Hinata has at some point broken into the Kohona record archives and had a jolly old time reading the Uchiha files. (A lazy weekend maybe?) and that Orochimaru keeps collections of children's books. (As if that's a stretch of the mind.)

And yes. Hinata is incredibly OOC. But surely, that's better than the sugary sweet Hinata trope?

Anyhow, thank you for reading this rubbish!