Author's notes: This is pure fluff, set in some AU S5 world where Blair is no longer engaged and was never pregnant. Written in response to a prompt on the Dan & Blair Comment Meme Ficathon: .. Prompt was: DB + N drunk movie night. I made a few minor grammatical changes, and there are a few extra lines that I cut for space when I put it into the comment meme. And…for anyone interested, my goal is to get the next Unused Fire Escape chapter up over the weekend.
Blair knocked on the door to the loft, carrying a bottle of red wine and a copy of Eyes Wide Shut. She still couldn't believe Humphrey talked her into his hare-brained idea of watching every Kubrick movie just so they could properly analyze his complete works. She had to admit that his neurosis in this area did appeal to her not-so-inner perfectionist, so she couldn't complain too much.
She started speaking before the door even opened completely. "Humphrey, I'm here to begin our month of Kubrick. I figure it can only get better from here," she said tersely as the door opened. She did a double take when the person on the other side was Nate and not Humphrey.
"Nate, you're over here again?" Blair asked, exasperated. It seemed that Dan and Nate had bonded during her little sojourn in Monaco, making it a lot harder for her to drop in. She sort of missed when Dan had no life, not that drinking beer and watching sports with Nate was what she would call a life.
Nate looked skeptically at the movie in her hands. "Did you bring over some horrible subtitled downer?" Blair shoved the movie into his hands and watched Nate's eyes light up.
"Really, you brought this over to watch with Dan? Kinky," he said with a teasing smile.
"Humphrey insisted we watch all of the Kubrick movies," Blair huffed. "Frankly, I'm surprised you've heard of it."
Nate gave her a sheepish smile. "I did a few Google searches on real-life couples doing love scenes back when Dan was dating Olivia," Nate explained.
"The things you do for friendship," Blair sighed. "So are you sticking around?"
"Did you and Dan have plans?" Nate asked, confused. "He didn't mention it to me."
"No, we don't have plans, per se," Blair said haughtily. "But we agreed to watch all of Kubrick's movies together, and we need to start now. I'm sure what little game you and Dan are watching isn't all that important."
"Actually, the game got rained out, so we've just been drinking," Dan said as he exited the restroom and joined them. "You know, Blair, I do have a phone that receives both calls and text messages should you want to plan in advance."
"Some of us have much busier schedules," Blair reminded him. "I happened to have time available right now, so I thought you would appreciate it if I came over."
"Well, Nate's here, and I doubt he wants to watch whatever you have in your hands," Dan said.
"Blair brought art house porn," Nate said. "I'm down with that."
Dan grinned as he looked at the DVD case. "So you relented on Kubrick Fest?"
"Just play the movie," Blair said, rolling her eyes and going to the kitchen to hunt out a corkscrew. She had initially intended to share the bottle with Dan, but she had a feeling she was going to need to drink the entire thing. Plus, they seemed content with their beers, and she could tell Dan's eyes were already a little glazed.
"This is…weird," Nate slurred as he watched Nicole Kidman get groped by Tom Cruise, the scene all too real. "They both have kids with other people now."
"Love dies," Dan said sadly. "They took almost two years to film this, and broke up shortly after."
"It's hard to carry on a relationship in the spotlight," Blair said, taking a long drink of her wine. She quickly refilled her glass.
"Tell me about it," Dan said.
Blair rolled her eyes. "Just because Gossip Girl followed you doesn't mean you know anything about being in the public eye."
"Hey, I had real paparazzi following me and Olivia," Dan protested.
"For like a week," Blair scoffed. "It doesn't compare to being almost royalty."
"C'mon, you two," Nate chided. "Can we agree that you both dated people much more important than you?"
"I wouldn't say more important…." Dan said.
Nate shot him a look. "You do remember how famous those movies are, right?"
Dan rolled his eyes.
About 45 minutes into the film, Nate started to whine. "This is the most boring movie about sex ever," he complained.
To some extent, Blair agreed, but she couldn't let Nate know she thought the movie was awful too. "Just because it isn't targeted to your prurient interests doesn't mean it's not worth watching," Blair told him.
"It is kind of slow," Dan admitted. "Do you need another drink, man?" Dan stood up and got him and Nate another beer. Blair refilled her glass again, noting her bottle was more than half-empty.
"It's clearly building up to something," Blair said, not sure if that was really the case.
They continued to watch, and as it turned out the movie was not building up to much of anything except the most boring orgy scene ever.
"So, is this what an orgy is like?" Dan asked, craning his head lazily towards Nate.
"Dude, why do you think I'd know?" Nate asked, looking surprisingly offended.
"Did Humphrey upset your delicate sensibilities, Natie?" Blair snorted into her wine.
"I'm sorry, man," Dan said, patting Nate on the shoulder affectionately. "I just assumed on one of those lost weekends with Chuck…."
"Why do you think I never went to an orgy with Chuck?" Blair asked, raising an eyebrow challengingly.
Dan shot her a skeptical look. "Did you?"
Blair took a long drink. "No, but we did like our games you know," Blair said smugly.
"They really did," Nate agreed. "There was this one time…"
Dan grimaced. "Can you guys please stop?"
Blair smirked. "Now look who's the prude?"
"I'm not a prude," Dan pouted. "I had sex in a jitney bathroom, in a costume closet, a threesome…"
Blair realized that Nate was distracted. "There are a lot of naked people," Nate observed. "It starts to lose something when there's so many of them."
"Did we just talk through ten minutes of an orgy scene?" Dan asked incredulously. "There is either something wrong with us or with this movie."
"Do you really want me to answer that, Humphrey?" Blair asked.
"You know, Dan turned down his chance to share Chuck's little black book with me last summer. Maybe there really is something wrong with him," Nate said.
"Maybe I just don't want meaningless sex," Dan protested.
"What, like your meaningful threesome?" Blair pointed out.
"That's why I didn't want a stranger!"
"And look how that turned out," Blair said. "Actually, things didn't really work out well for you post jitney bathroom sex or costume closet sex. Maybe you should stick to one person and a bedroom, Humphrey."
"I'm too drunk to give a good answer," Dan said sadly. "The last time I was this drunk I engaged in the aforementioned threesome."
"When's the last time you had sex anyhow?" Nate asked, looking concerned.
Dan turned bright red. "I'm in a bit of a dry spell."
"Now you have to tell us," Nate whined.
"Do you want us to guess?" Blair asked. "It was Serena's cousin, right?"
"No, she tried to seduce Dan but he stopped when said 'Call me Serena'," Nate happily volunteered. "I told him he should have just told her he didn't need that and gone ahead. It would have been on Headmistress Queller's desk."
"You're kind of an exhibitionist, aren't you Humphrey?" Blair asked, intrigued.
"No, these things just kind of happen…."
"And no changing the subject," Nate pointed out, standing up to grab more beer.
"Fine, I haven't been with anyone since Vanessa last fall," Dan admitted.
Nate handed Dan a beer, patting him affectionately on the back as he sat down. "That's over a year ago," Nate said, sounding awed.
"You saving yourself for your next go-round with Serena?" Blair asked snidely, hoping he didn't catch the undercurrent of jealousy in her voice.
"Can we change the subject from my pathetic love life, please?" Dan pleaded.
"Do you want Chuck's black book now?" Nate asked. "He uses it sometimes now, but I could probably copy a few pages."
Blair felt ill at the thought, surprisingly more about the Dan than the Chuck aspect of it. "Nate, he just said he doesn't want meaningless sex," Blair said.
"I probably need to be done with girls you and Chuck have both been with," Dan sighed.
"Suit yourself," Nate shrugged, not giving Dan's comment a second thought. Blair couldn't figure it out-Vanessa and who?
"You know Serena never slept with Chuck, right?" Blair blurted.
"Yeah…." Dan said, confused. "Why?"
Blair decided to drop it, deciding she didn't want to know. It might dredge up more about Chuck's dalliances, or Dan's for that matter. It would somehow be fitting if Dan were into Raina.
"So," Dan started, looking thoughtful. "Are there rules about strangers and orgies? Do you only need four to form an orgy, or is that just a foursome?"
"Are you hinting at something, Humphrey?" Blair asked. "Because the answer's no."
Dan laughed. "Just curious. You two seemed so well-versed on the rules of threesomes, I thought you'd know."
"I would think you'd want the stranger to friend ratio to be even, or you're going to have the same issues as the threesome," Nate said. "We probably couldn't get that together so quickly."
"It would be a hell of a way to end a dry spell," Dan chuckled.
"Just admit you're an exhibitionist; it's nothing to be ashamed of," Blair said almost flirtatiously.
"Is that a proposition?" Dan smirked.
She slapped him lightly. "Just watch the movie."
They all stared in silence for several minutes. "Do either of you guys have a clue what's happening?" Nate asked.
"Uh, not really," Dan admitted. "I guess we got distracted."
Nate stood up. "Well, I think I'm going to call it a night," he said. He turned to Blair. "You want to share a cab?"
Blair shook her head. "I want to see the rest of this," Blair said.
Nate gave her a skeptical look. "Okay. Thanks for letting me crash your movie night. I'll probably sit out the rest."
Blair smiled at him. "That would probably be for the best."
"We can do A Clockwork Orange next," Dan suggested. Blair fought the urge to kick Dan in the shins for the suggestion. As much as she loved Nate, she missed having Dan to herself.
"We'll see," Nate said as he shot Blair a knowing smile. Blair rolled her eyes in response.
"You'll make sure she gets to bed safe, right Dan?" Nate asked, still grinning.
"Of course, man," Dan said agreeably.
After Nate left, they both stared at the screen. Dan leaned over and whispered conspiratorially in her ear, "You can tell me, you don't like this movie either, right?"
"I admit nothing," Blair said, smiling. She waited a beat. "So, more than a year, huh?"
Dan looked miserably at the ground. "God, I should never drink."
Blair laughed at his misery, not feeling bad because she planned to make it better.
She placed a hand on his thigh, moving into his personal space. "It must have been a hard year," she said sympathetically, followed by a smirk.
"Very funny," Dan muttered, his whole body stiffening at her touch.
"You don't do well with subtlety, do you?' she asked, getting exasperated.
"What?" Dan asked, confused.
"God, no wonder you're not getting any," Blair sighed. "I brought over a bottle of wine and art house porn."
Dan stared at her hand, which was still resting on his thigh, his alcohol addled brain clearly trying to decide if he was misinterpreting. She started to move her hand slowly up his thigh, but he stopped her before she could make too much progress.
"Are you doing this because you're drunk and feel sorry for me?" he asked. "I'm really not after a one-night stand with you. I wasn't lying about not wanting meaningless sex."
"I was sober and unaware of your current celibate state when I brought over the wine and movie," she reminded him.
She saw a grin spread across his face. The next thing she knew, he was cupping her jaw and staring her in the eyes.
"You really want this, and it's not a pity thing?" he asked, still looking a bit uncertain. She nodded. Before she could say anything else, his mouth was on hers.
After an all too brief moment, he pulled away and gauged her reaction. She smiled at him reassuringly.
"So, tomorrow I want to watch Barry Lyndon," she told him.
"What?" Dan asked, looking confused.
"I know Nate will have no interest in that, and I want to be alone with you tomorrow," she said, leaning in to kiss him again.
"Barry Lyndon it is," Dan said as he leaned her gently backwards, splaying out on top of her propped up by his elbows. "Strangely, I have this feeling Eyes Wide Shut will turn out to be my favorite Kubrick film," Dan said before he kissed her again.
She returned the kiss, unable to disagree with him.