NEVER WANNA LET GO
A Lindsay/Cindy FanFiction
S U M M A R Y
C a t e g o r y : TV Shows Women's Murder Club
P a i r i n g s : Lindsay/Cindy
G e n r e : Hurt/Comfort
P l o t O u t l i n e : OneShot, Cindy's thoughts and heartbreak when she finds out that Lindsay's gone to the airport with Pete.
A u t h o r : nervedamaged
She put on a smile, like she had really meant it, when those words had tumbled out of her mouth.
Cindy recalled something worthy of a poignant flashback moment of her life...
Her hand had stopped, ever so lightly, almost fearful, on the tall brunette's arm and stayed there as Lindsay turned to see who had stopped her so abruptly from her debriefing of the plain clothes detectives who had just helped solve one of their most wanted cases. The way she stared at her, eyes pools of deep brown liquid that Cindy could have fallen into at any given moment. Cindy had swallowed hard under the gaze that cut right through every layer of skin and hit her heart like a bullet from Lindsay's .45. The inspector's other hand had dismissed the officers and she turned her full attention to the redheads features a look of pure curiosity on her face. Cindy felt flushed and was sure the blood had rushed to her head leaving her cheeks a rosy shade of pink, biting her lip she glanced down at her feet for what seemed like minutes but was mere seconds before she returned her gaze to Lindsay's, smiling softly now; the brunette had always made her break out the smile she reserved only for special occasions (namely when Lindsay was in the vicinity).
Cindy started, her voice audibly shaking under the barrier of nerves that threatened to burst out of hiding any second.
"I have to rush off now, but I wanted to wish you all the best with Pete..."
What she said flowed out of her like a well-rehearsed script, like the 5ft4 woman had been reciting it in the bathroom mirror every morning, for the past week, whilst brushing her teeth.
"I hope he brings you all the happiness in the world,"
And she meant it, just not at the hands of a 'he'. Moreover she had naively thought of herself in place of the lanky figure of 'Pete' the guy from the coffee stand outside The Hall... Cindy felt tears prick the back of her eyelids as she imagined them both; hugging and a romantic little kiss, that made Cindy baulk, before getting on that plane and disappearing from San Francisco, from the club, but more importantly from her, from Cindy's life.
"I really, really do..."
She uttered, though more softly spoken now, more reminiscent than anything. She didn't want Lindsay to speak, didn't need to hear any more words of "you too" and "we must stay in touch", she knew the latter was never the case; how can people stay in touch when they are million miles away from each other, it was physically impossible! And yet at just this thought Cindy wanted to cry out "STAY!", "STAY for me, little old me, because I love you and I can give you more than Pete can, I can give you the world and my whole life too... here, in San Francisco..." her thoughts trailed off and found a new sense of calm washing over her, dragging her eyes away from Lindsay's face down to her own hand on Lindsay's arm. The inspector's other hand was now resting on the reporter's. Cindy froze, her voice caught in the back of her throat as she realised Lindsay was about to say something. Cindy's breath hitched as Lindsay spoke:
"Cindy, you mean the world to me, I'm going to miss you so much... You're the bestest 'friend' I could ever have..!"
Her heart broke. Not the way she had expected it to, but it was in ruins, shattered from the inside out by one Inspector Lindsay Boxer, a woman she would have given said heart to, before breakage. Everything was a mixed tape of jumble as Cindy decided her next course of action purely on a whim. Gripping the fabric of Lindsay's leather jacket beneath her hand, Cindy stretched up on her tiptoes and lightly brushed the brunette's cheek with her lips; a small peck and a fleeting:
And she was gone. Striding out of the bullpen with as much gusto as if she had just landed a really big story for the Register, leaving Lindsay's questions and cries for her to stop unanswered as she disappeared around the corner.
Cindy clung to the kitchen counter with one hand as fierce tears stung her eyes threatening to spill over at any second. She felt like a foolish little girl for thinking that Lindsay would ever consider staying behind in San Francisco just for her. She loved Pete that much was clear in the way she animatedly talked about him whenever the gang was at Susie's of an evening, and Cindy herself had sat there imagining and smiling on cue whenever Lindsay looked her way. It was all planned, every agreement, every smile, touch, head shake and nod, it was all scripted in Cindy's way to cope with rejection should she ever tell Linds just how she really felt. She didn't, she couldn't not especially after the inspector had come in to the morgue with Jill in tow to greet her friend and colleague Claire with;
"So there's this guy who goes to the coffee stand outside The Hall, and he's perfect... too perfect... but I like him..."
Cindy's throat made a strangled gasp as she slid down the cupboard to sit awkwardly crossed legged on the kitchen floor, through raggedly drawn breaths her tears flowed freely and Cindy cried.
She shouldn't care this much, Lindsay didn't, she didn't know enough about the situation to care as much as Cindy did. But she was a well trained, respected homicide inspector, Cindy expected her to be more vigilant, to see when she stole glances in her direction and when she moved over just enough in the booth at Susie's so that when Lindsay sat down she was still close enough to feel their thighs brush close. When Cindy always waited for her after their drinks to walk back to their cars together, the smiles and the jokes and everything she had done and gotten herself into, to make Lindsay notice her. God she had done some awful shit! But it was all worth it... it was all goddamned worth it for Ms. Boxer.
"You're always there Lindsay...!"
She shouted out; to her apartment, Cindy had no dog, nor cat... She had no one with her to comfort her. It hurt.
"You're everywhere, all the damn time, just watching my every move like a hawk. Should I slip up and you'll have to come bail me out. Again!"
But Lindsay wasn't there this time; she was at the airport, probably kissing Pete as they put her things onto the conveyor and the stewardess stamped their tickets and bid them on their way. She felt sick, horribly horribly home sick. Nostalgia sick you could have called it, remembering too much past with too many emotions all at one time. Cindy wiped furiously at the little beads of salty water than continued to drip down her cheeks; a new pain greeting her like a tidal wave as she realised she would probably never see Lindsay again.
She cursed herself, she couldn't change anything with 'what ifs' and 'should haves' the moment had already passed and there was no turning back this time, just the silly after thought; you had 3 years, you could have told her how you felt at the beginning, had you been stronger and more forceful, you could, but you didn't and now...
"I wish you were here... Lindsay Boxer... I can't help myself, this is the way I feel. When you look me in the eyes like you did last night, I couldn't stand to hear you say goodbye... and I'm sorry, I really am! I should have been braver and stayed. I'm stuck here, and my heart is open... but you don't feel the same."
"I should move on..."
She murmured into the darkness.
"I need to move on..."
A sharp sound echoed through her apartment, as knuckles wrapped on the thick wood of her front door. Cindy scrambled to her feet, grabbing a tissue from the box on the counter, pushing it against her face as she cleaned away the tears from her reddened face. She's forgotten in the madness she was to look after Mrs. Snowberri's cat Thompson whilst she went in to hospital for surgery on her hip. She felt her inner child accepting this faster than she would normally, maybe her apartment would feel more lived in if there were another being besides herself living there. Maybe when Mrs. Snowberri got out and took Thompson back, she would have to buy herself a four-legged companion. Absent-mindedly, Cindy found herself wondering who would be looking after Martha now Lindsay had gone. Just the thought spiked another lump in her throat and the knock at the door resounded again as Cindy crossed the small spans of space to get to the entrance of her apartment. She clicked open a series of locks on the door itself, her vicinity in the city wasn't well known for it's "safe" living, and gripped the handle as she swung it inwards ready to greet her neighbour with a cheery smile, despite the early hour of the morning.
"Mrs. Snowberri, It's perfectl..."
When Cindy had first opened the door, she had her eyes partially closed in order to feint the "I just got up look" & "this is the reason it took me so long to get to the door" look. But the person who stood on the other side of the door most definitely was not her neighbour, nor was she elderly..
She fumbled for her words; a little squeak bounced off her vocal chords before she was able to utter any form of audible sentence...
".. Uhh, Lindsay...!"
The rest was a disaster.
"Wait.. what are you doing here? You should be at the airport, what happened? Did something bad happened? Oh my god is it Jill? Claire? What is it!... Lindd..."
Cindy didn't get very much further before a slender hand was pressed against her lips, ceasing the rabid frenzy of words that escaped her confused person. All she could do was stare, un moving as Lindsay leaned in and cupped her face and kissed her, full and with force like no other... it was passion; a sudden desire that shook Cindy from her reverie and had her hands moving through the brunette's hair at an alarming rate. If the neighbours came out of their apartments right then they would be taken aback by two women taking it all too far for public concern on the threshold of Cindy's property.
By the time Lindsay pulled away, her hands still holding her face in their wake, Cindy's eyes had begun to well up again and when one rouge tear broke away from the group sliding aggressively down her flushed cheek, it was Lindsay's hand that brushed it away this time.
"I.. uhm... What about Pete?... Why.. now... what..?"
She managed to push through her sheer disbelief that this was actually happening right here right now. Maybe she had slipped, when getting to her feet to answer the door, and fallen smacking her head on the kitchen floor and this was all a dream?
Lindsay hushed. Her eyes fixed on Cindy's own.
"Pete and I were over before it had even begun, he was just a fling, something to assure me that I really wasn't going to be with anyone other than the person I had already fallen for, for the rest of my life..."
She trailed off as Cindy's expression looked confused, but the redhead connected the dots quickly and added in a rushed slightly shaky tone;
"But.. But you.. You never said anything! And earlier this evening in the bullpen you said I meant the world to you, that you would miss me as your best 'friend'"
Lindsay was smiling at her, amused. Cindy, however, was not in the least bit amused; she showed this by suddenly pulling away from Lindsay's hold her on, eyes full of anger... but it was short lived, misplaced and quite frankly Cindy was too exhausted to uphold the energy that being angry at Lindsay involved.
"Please... Cindy? I tried to explain more after you kissed me this evening. I tried to tell you before that..."
She stressed, holding her hand out to Cindy, willing the reporter to take it. Cindy found, despite her better judgement, that her hand automatically fit into Lindsay's, and she gripped it, fearful that it was a dream and she would lose this all when she woke up on the tiles with a really bad headache.
"I said that you mean the world to me, because you really truly do! I cannot imagine my life without you in it... just thinking about it hurts... and I was... am going to miss you so much as my best friend... because... God-damnit Cindy! … Can't you see it?..."
Cindy could; she was pretty sure what Lindsay would say next, but for the love of her sanity and the need to hear it from her mouth not just her own thoughts Cindy played dumb and just stared back at her cop with blank eyes...
"... I fucking love you Cindy Thomas...!"
Cindy didn't believe that wishes necessarily came true under normal circumstances, but when the world, as she knew it, was ending Cindy had wished for the one person who would have made it better, to be there with her right there and then, she had pleaded for it, shouted it and now Lindsay was here... Cindy's mind exploded, her heart mentally stitched itself back together and what she said next came straight from her heart to the woman she loved so much; the woman that was standing on her threshold declaring her love for her.
"Kiss me... Just fucking kiss me!"
Their lips locked in a fury that would have envied even the most passionate x-rated movies. She lost herself completely in that kiss and suddenly, Lindsay was all she needed. She was the reason she had smiled like she had since the moment they had met. Cindy reached round the brunette's slender figure and pushed the door slowly to a close.