Anyways. Here you go!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. *cries a bit* I know, it's just a pipe dream.


"Now," Retta said brusquely. "It's time for an adventure!" She pulled out a map from an unseen pocket, unfolding it to its true size and attempting to smooth out its many wrinkles.

"Where did that come from?" Rae inquired, trying to read the map upside-down.

"Magical thinking powers," Retta said, tapping her forehead. "Conjured it up. That reminds me…"

She folded the map back up into a paper square and tucked it away, calmly pulling out a decadent-looking slice of chocolate cake.

"Can you…do you have…brownies?" Briana gasped in disbelief.

"Why yes," Retta replied devilishly, pulling out yet another wonder out of her coat pockets: a platter of brownies. "Actually, while I'm at it…"

Before Rae knew it, a brown-and-white bunny had plopped into her arms.

"It's Christmas!" Rae shouted joyously.

"It's my birthday!" Briana yelled gleefully.

"It's National Pi Day!" Retta screamed happily.

"Pie?" the others asked confusedly.

"Well, almost. This is being published on the thirteenth day of the third month, which is close to the fourteenth day of the third month," Retta explained. "Whoops, I might've accidentally broken the fourth wall there—"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Pidge inquired.

"I like factoids."

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooookay then."

Briana peered around. "Say, where did Mary and Katie wander off to?"

Rae facepalmed. "Not again."
"No!" Pidge smacked the nearest meandering student upside the head. He scurried away fearfully. "We must go on! We might meet them on the way to our destination anyway. We're going to spend the night in the Chamber of Secrets."


"Uh…not that I don't love tapestries and all, but this one's smothering me."

Mary and Katie extracted themselves from a pile of moth-eaten cloth. Mary stood up first. "Where did the others go?"

Katie shrugged. "I dunno. I was looking at this magical sprite thing and followed it behind a tapestry, and you followed me. And now we're lost."

Mary facepalmed. It was becoming a regular thing.

A hand tugged on her sleeve. She turned to see Katie's distraught face pointing into the darkness of the completely unfamiliar and deserted and dark hallway. "I hear sounds. Lots of sounds."

There was a buzzing in the distance, and it was slowly approaching them. Scratch that, it was going pretty fast towards them.


They fled down the hall, never noticing the (mostly) harmless Cornish pixie trailing behind them, flying and swooping in wide lazy circles.


"Found it!" Pidge declared, pointing at the door.

"Yes!" All four girls high-fived vigorously.

"We are the shit!" Retta yelled. "I mean—we are…uh…the greatest?"

"Damn it, I hope the rating is T on this thing," Rae grumbled. "But I am proud of you. Look at you, cursing semi-seriously in a fic!"

"Shhhhh," Briana warned her. "This fandom might explode if we speak about this kind of stuff too carelessly."


"No idea. Hey, let's run inside and scare Moaning Myrtle!"

Glancing at each other in mingled states of panic and ecstasy, Rae shoved open the door and stepped inside first. She pulled the zipper of her jacket up to her chin and shivered. "It's cold in here! Hurry up!"

Retta peeked inside and followed with little excited bounces in her step. Briana walked in calmly. Pidge glared suspiciously at the doorway before entering. Her Batparanoia was on edge.

The bathroom was pretty close to the movie's description; it had once been grand and beautiful (at least, as grand and beautiful as a public girls' restroom can be) and you could tell it easily. The room had gorgeously carved stone arches over the cracked mirrors. The tiled mosaics on the wall had once been enchanted to reflect the time of day, but the spell had obviously gone wonky over time and now there was nothing but a dim outline of a sun that had no more luminescence then that of a Muggle light bulb. The windows let the moon shine in, showing the girls the pitiful display of bathroom stalls huddled on the left wall, away from the sinks.

"Well, at least the storm stopped," Rae shrugged.

"Yeah, but how does this thing work?" Retta said, kicking the base of a sink with her foot. She yelped and clutched at it, jumping up and down. "Lesson learned, don't kick things made out of stone!"

"Hm." Pidge, the Harry Potter expert, stroked her chin thoughtfully. "Who here speaks 'snake?'"

"Only for conversational purposes," Rae muttered. "I couldn't write a book on it or anything."

"Awesome! Now go seduce it," Retta said brightly, gently pushing Rae in the general direction of the sinks.

"Alright," Rae said resignedly. "This'll be fun."

She twisted one of the sink handles a bit. Water dripped from it. "How does this work again?"

"Um, just do that and whisper 'open up' in snake," Pidge said, racking her brain. "That will probably do it."

"What if it's booby-trapped?" Briana said thoughtfully. "What if it, I don't know, shoots fire at her?"

"Fire?! Here I come!" Rae yelled. She grabbed the handle again as fast as a honey badger grabs a cobra neck, and twisted it just as quickly. Rae mumbled something ominous-sounding and then stepped back.

Nothing happened, but they weren't discouraged.

Then, as they were used to by now, a great burst of thunder roared beneath their feet, blah blah blah, yada yada yada, until a gloomy and threatening sort of cave entrance popped up from the sink in front of them. It was all very normal. Briana yawned. Pidge read a fic on her iPod. Rae and Retta danced around and sang Les Mis songs at the top of their lungs. Briana joined them out of boredom. Pidge pretended to not know them at all.

"Oh, is it over already?" Rae said curiously, looking at the cave entrance that she had just noticed the existence of. "I wish there had been fire booby-traps! I was cheated, dammit!"

"I guess so," Pidge said. "Let's go!"

The group, in a single line, filed through the cave entrance and disappeared into the petrifying depths. It was all very serious until Retta started singing show tunes.