A/N: Reuploading fics from my former account (which has been cleaned off) and just trying to get everything in one place versus 5. Because it gets confusing when everything is all... Idk... EVERYWHERE.
So here. Eat this. Lol. It's an older one.
Determined balance was all it took to separate me from the cold sidewalk twelve stories below, as I balanced myself on the steel railing which lined the rooftop. The wind was strong. If I didn't stay focused it could have easily thrown me from the edge just as easily as it tore through my hair. I contemplated jumping, risking my life to run away from the problem. For the first time, I saw the true appeal in suicide. Although it wasn't the cleanest death I could ask for, it was a quick way out of Hell. However, the difficulty of the situation was only made such by the haunting thought of never again feeling dangerous hands in my hair, or breaking my skin like it's an art form.
What was the point of going on when the desired addiction had dissipated into nothing more than memories and killer withdraws?
I stared at the ground far beneath me, wondering if it would hurt to let go. Could it be worse than staying? How much worse would it be to live? For three months I felt as if I was suffocating; like all of the oxygen had been sucked out of the air for the sole purpose of choking me.
To push myself another half inch forward seemed so easy. Yet the decision to move couldn't have been more difficult.
In all of my contemplating, a subconscious step willed me forward, sending me plummeting to death before I could catch myself in the act. Immediate calm took charge. This wasn't a big deal. Easily, I was able to accept that this was my life, so this is how it would end. I shut my eyes, patiently waiting to collide with the ground.
If I could not shake him awake through life, hopefully my death would be enough to save him.
That had been my hope. Hope… a silly mental thing I had been void of for far too long. This was the last of what remained… not even enough to save myself.
Impact with the cold pavement was never made.
Rather than slamming into the hard surface, I opened my eyes to find myself dangling by multiple threads. Black like the depths of the sea, soft like velvet, cold like the presence of a ghost, shadowy threads kept me from ending my own life.
"You can put me down," I said, unimpressed by a trick I had seen many times before.
The shadows retracted, slinging back into Celty's mysterious body as I landed on my feet with practiced grace. Although headless, I could feel Celty's stare on my skin. "Don't look at me like that. I slipped."
With a smooth slide of a shadow, the headless rider whipped out her PDA and began to type with much deliberation, like she expected to find me.
[It's not your time yet. You need to come with me.]
I raised a brow. "Why?"
[I need to take you to Shizuo.]
It was all I could do to laugh so cynically. "That's almost funny. If it weren't so cruel, I'd break out into hysterics worth of that of a mental institution. Don't be ridiculous."
Celty, unsatisfied with my snarky response, vigorously began to type yet again.
[Please. He may not realize it, but he needs you. You're the only one who can help him now.]
"I think your boyfriend helped him just fine," My twisted stare turned into a cold glower. "That idiot doesn't need me anymore than he needs to learn Italian, or how to tap dance."
She should have known I'd be this stubborn, even if she could see right through me. Don't get me wrong, here. I wanted to go. I did. Every piece of me was begging me to give in… if only to see him again, which hardly said anything, considering where we had ended up. Considering that the last time I had seen him I left with a gash in my heart. Any excuse to see that one person who made my life worth living should have been a good enough excuse for me… but it was impossible.
Knowing I wouldn't take her seriously without a bit of force, Celty removed her yellow helmet, hanging it on the handlebar of her bike. The smoke rising from her neck morphed into various angry shapes, while her shadows latched on to my ankles, holding me in place. I didn't fear her, though it was enough to hold my attention. Again, she typed out a message. As she did so, I examined her, feeling her emotions by the shapes and body language she gave off.
Yes. Something was wrong.
[It isn't you. Shizuo really is different. I'm worried. Ever since Shinra helped him, he has been getting farther away from the friend I have known. And I know what you mean to him. This change is affecting all of us.]
"What do you mean?" a sudden spark of curiosity lit into a subtle flame.
[He and I don't have the same conversations anymore. It's like spending time with a wall.]
It was enough to make my heart stop. To treat me differently was one thing. Sure. To act differently towards the one being who he had always poured his trust into… it was terrifying.
"Where is he?"
A visible chill ran down Celty's spine. Shaking it off, her black smoke puffed a bit before reforming into a more sullen shape. She typed her next message.
[Staying with us. Shinra is trying to reverse the effects.]
"Reverse? I don't understand. Isn't it what Shizuo wanted?"
[You were right from the beginning. If this isn't fixed soon, he'll be gone for good.]
"Gone? You mean-"
Celty's nod was all that I needed.
"Take me to him."
On the back of Celty's motorcycle, I mentally prepared myself for what was to come by tracing my memory back to the first chapter of our story. The chapter where the real Heiwajima Shizuo died.
We all knew he had his issues with self-acceptance. He never valued himself for what he was and the gift he was given, even if that gift was what attracted me to him in the first place. Uncontrolled rage haunted his every step, giving him a most hated strength only eligible for violence. What good could such temperamental person do for society, as his mind so often blanked out from an overdose of fury? A fury which seemed to only damage his surroundings. Self-loathing was all too familiar, and he never expected that it could earn him affection from another.
He saw his strength as a disease… a cancer…
Shizuo couldn't have cared less what my opinion was on the matter. He was unfazed by the belief that somebody may actually want him for the things he couldn't control. To me, it was no different than being attracted to a human based on their smile or their hair color. Some people like redheads. Some like blondes. I like a particular kind of person with a calm demeanor and a furious strength. I like the type that can't be controlled.
That didn't matter, often times leading us into arguments with his hand around my neck and my knife steadied behind his head. We were in a hostile, sometimes abusive, relationship. But we liked it that way… or at least… I did…
"I want to change," Shizuo told me. He hung his head, loosening his grip on my throat. I could hear the shame in his voice, parallel to his desperation.
I shot him a glare, lowering my knife. "You don't need to."
"Need… want… there is no difference. I have to."
Our fight came to an end with Shizuo walking out the front door, trying hard not to slam it on the way out. Still, it fell off of its hinges.
That night, he went to see Shinra, begging the doctor - our longtime friend - to fix him. I didn't understand. I couldn't see how somebody could fix what wasn't broken. However, Shizuo was always a bit persistent, so it wasn't long before both idiots agreed that it could be done. At first, the doctor was hesitant. Shizuo treated his rage as if it were a tumor, and could be surgically cut out if it was so desired. We warned him that it wasn't so simple. Shinra got another idea.
In less than a month, he'd developed a chemical combination specifically for Ikebukuro's strongest man. The hope was that the tiny white pills would work as a combination of an anxiety medication and a sleeping pill, while reducing the amount of adrenaline produced in Shizuo's own body. I wouldn't have believed it myself… until I looked up at the black cloud floating out of Celty's neck.
Impossible things were common in our city.
Shinra smiled nervously. "It has never been tested before. Are you sure you want to do this?"
I glanced back and forth between him and Shizuo, praying that he'd have second thoughts.
"Yes," he stated, without a second's worth of hesitation.
Shinra passed Shizuo the first of many pills. "Then take this."
I watched him chase the white tablet down his throat with a swig of water. The four of us waited for about twenty minutes in deafening silence. I partially wondered if I could take out my switchblade and slice the disturbing quiet in half.
"How do you feel?" I spoke, unable to handle the lack of conversation any longer.
He shrugged. "Same as always."
Glancing at his monitor, Shinra began to read numbers that only he could make sense of. "We won't know until Shizuo-kun is provoked. But your heart rate is down compared to its usual speed."
"Meaning?" Shizuo asked.
I couldn't hold back the sigh as I answered for the doctor. "It's working."
The doctor grinned. "If all goes well, these will be good to go. I'll give you what supply I made. Taking them once a week should be sufficient. Let me know how this week goes. I'll run a couple more tests in a few days to see how it affects your body."
Shizuo let out a relieved breath, as if he had been holding it for the past month. A light smile formed on his lips, but I couldn't reciprocate it. How could I be happy when I could already see the problems to come?
Hardly any time passed before the effects of Shinra's chemical creation took their toll on my relationship with Shizuo. Every day, I saw him become a different person. Every day, I watched him drift farther and farther out of my reach. Shizuo couldn't see it like I did. He didn't see what we were becoming reduced to. No. How could he? He was far too excited with the change he had always wanted.
Admittedly, the change wasn't too bad at first. Remember that… at first. Sure, he was calm, much like he was in the more intimate moments of our lives; still irritable, though not ready to snap. No longer in a constant state of being on edge. At first, any anger he felt expressed itself through a low grumble, or a sarcastic comment. For a short time, I even convinced myself that it was not entirely impossible to get used to this change… that I may even like it.
My hopes were raised too high.
With each passing week, Heiwajima Shizuo was becoming less and less the man I found myself attracted to. With each pill, Shizuo's newfound calm evolved into an apathetic stance towards the world around him. Every day, he slipped farther and farther away from caring about anything and everything. He wasn't calm. He was not at peace. He was an emotionless zombie under the control of a cursed combination of chemical reactions. I watched him lose himself until he could no longer recognize his own relationships.
"What are you doing here?" He asked, walking through his front door to find me unloading the contents of paper bags into his refrigerator.
Half smiling, I passed him a bottle of whole milk. "Your kitchen was looking pretty empty. I brought you some food."
"You didn't need to do that."
"What do you mean? I always refill your fridge."
Shizuo scanned his eyes over the bottle, completely uninterested in the smooth white liquid contents. He set it down without another thought of drinking it. "I suppose I just don't understand why you're here. For years we've bounced back and forth between apartments where we have these unexplainable scandals that end in threats if we try to express our feelings. But now that I think about it, I don't have feelings for you, so I don't know why we do this, or why you're in my house."
"Shizu-chan…" I froze, completely unsure of where this was coming from, though… deep down I knew.
"What are you saying?"
Decorating my eyes with pleading desperation, I gently nudged my body into his. I received no reaction. He did not accept. He did not reject. Shizuo simply stayed in place, like a robot waiting for commands from his master.
I stared into his eyes, expecting some sort of flash to go off, telling me that he just wasn't in the mood for my company; that he'd probably just needed some alone time. Again, I was banking on the impossible. I already knew better. His eyes were dead; his expression blank. Within those once stormy spheres was a vacancy. There was even a blatant lack of interest in the nickname he so despised.
"I think you should leave. Whatever this thing was… it's over now."
I took several steps back until I bumped into the wall. "Shizuo…"
"Don't take it personally, Izaya. I no longer see the point. That's all."
"Are you even listening to yourself?" I shot, a sudden anger bursting inside of me. "What the hell has gotten into you?"
But I knew all too well.
"Thanks for the food. I'll pay you back for it later. You can leave now."
Without another word, he turned around and disappeared into his bedroom. I waited for the sound of running water to make my leave, barely able to believe that he didn't want me. That was the last I could take before I realized that my Shizuo was gone. It was the last time I would see him for three months.
Even with my usual strolls around Ikebukuro, I couldn't force myself to look for him. I kept to my usual, non-Shizuo related business without a thought of seeing a person who didn't want to see me. The city was lonely… quiet… distorted. The feeling was like being stabbed in the chest over and over again. It hurt like hell, but not in the same masochistic way I wanted it to.
With every passing day, I became more and more desperate for anything. At times, I found myself literally writhing in agony over how badly I wanted him to hit me, or throw a vending machine at me, or knock me out with a lamp post. Anything. Anything at all.
Celty's bike came to a screeching halt when we arrived at the apartment building. I, however, was already leaping off the disguised horse before it even stopped. In those moments, I had no time to waste. Every second without him felt like an entire lifetime wasted. Every minute was a step closer to losing him permanently.
I was being given one last chance. Why would I waste it? Did I really need him this much? Or did something inside of me just know that he was the one who needed me?
I knew. Three months ago, I knew he didn't know what he was saying when he asked me to leave. Now, with reason, I sprinted up those steep flights of stairs. Not a drop of hesitation existed to hold me back; not even when I lost my balance one flight from the top. My knee collided with the next step up, cracking with impact. Despite the pain surging through my body, I barely winced as I tried to keep going. Instead, my injured knee pulled me back down.
"Fuck," I hissed, grabbing onto the railing. "This is NOT happening."
Having forgotten that she was barely ten steps behind me, I lurched slightly when Celty caught up. Feeling that my desperation was strong, my determination full to the brim, she offered me her hand, helping me the rest of the way.
My pain didn't last long thanks to the current adrenaline rush surging through my system. There were other matters to be taken care of; damages to be repaired before I fixed myself.
"Izaya-kun!" Shinra's excitable tone was nothing more than a distant echo in my eardrums. "Are you hurt?"
"Where is he?" I asked, winded. Catching my breath, I glanced around the apartment, unable to see any sign of Shizuo.
Shinra gestured for me to follow him into the spare bedroom of his apartment; his face suddenly sullen and shrouded by guilt. I limped closely behind, my heart racing with adrenaline. The rapid thumping felt like a time bomb, ready to explode as soon as he pushed the door open.
We found Shizuo sitting - staring off into space - on a futon. He was so still that he barely looked alive. Kasuka's own mild eyes settled on me. He was the only Heiwajima allowed to look so apathetic. I knew it. So did he. Now, I needed to make Shizuo know it too.
Suddenly overcome by fear, I felt my hands begin to shake as I pushed myself closer to Shizuo. The man didn't even acknowledge my presence. I wondered if he knew that I was there. "Shizu-chan…" I muttered, attempting to kneel in front of him. My kneeling was more like a graceless thump.
He did not react. I wondered… was he simply catatonic… or was he sedated?
"Can he hear me?" I asked somebody… anybody.
"Yeah," Kasuka answered, shifting nervously. His laidback demeanor was so very off. "He hears you. Getting him to answer you… that's a different story altogether."
"What happened, Shinra…?" I diverted my attention to the doctor. "What went wrong?"
"It's like I said from day one. I couldn't guarantee anything. The chemical combination has never been tested on anyone else, and by the time I figured out how bad it actually was, he was like this."
"And you can't fix it?"
"I've tried. He just gets… worse… like his mind is deteriorating."
I shot a glare at my friend. "It is."
"You can fix it though," the younger Heiwajima stepped forward.
Scoffing, I answered, not wanting to come off so frantic. "What do you think I'm here for?"
Maybe I came off as confident; maybe I didn't. How could I be expected to resurrect the dead? Doctor Frankenstein, and all of his torment had it easier than I did. Drawing in a deep breath, I decided that it was better for all of us, especially Shizuo, if I took my confidence off its three-month hiatus.
"Shizuo…" I placed my focus on the glassy-eyed man before me. I brushed his blonde bangs - brown roots coming in - for a better show of those eyes. Stupid Izaya. I had forgotten that there was no show. "Shizu-chan, look at me."
I expected not to receive a response. It was going to take a lot more work than making requests. However, it wasn't that he was ignoring me. I knew that. I didn't even feel like he was. Instead, it felt like somebody had unplugged him, flipped his switch, pressed his "off" button. Shizuo wasn't ignoring me. Shizuo just wasn't home. And that thought… while I wouldn't show it… broke me, just as it did three months previous.
Brushing my thumb over his cheek, I tried again. "Shizuo. Idiot. Look at me. Now."
I felt the command in my voice attract the attention of the eyes around me… all with the exception of his. Quite frankly, it pissed me off. I despise being ignored, especially in times of desperation. The longer it took, the farther I could see him slipping away from me.
"Everyone, get out of here," I ordered our surrounding company.
Their breaths caught, even Celty's… if that's at all possible.
"What are you staring at? Get the fuck out."
Having been scolded, Shinra and Celty slipped out of the room before I could look back. Kasuka took his time, being sure to drop a final word before making his exit. "Izaya-kun," his voice gave a much calmer vibe than his eyes, "Do whatever you have to."
A sigh escaped me. It was the best - not to mention the most honest - answer I had before doing as asked.
It was a wonder Shizuo could even breathe. I mean that. Being so unresponsive, I was concerned, wondering if he even took care of his human functions properly. Evidently, he was barely taking care of himself. The Shizu-chan I know, as big and manly as he thinks he is, would never let his natural hair color show through, no matter how relaxed he was feeling.
"Do you even recognize me?" I asked, truly praying to get anything out of him.
Nothing but a blank stare.
Peeling my jacket from my body, I threw it into a miscellaneous corner. Carefully, like a child not wanting to be caught breaking the rules, I snuck a hand onto Shizuo's chest and pushed him onto his back. "It's time to stop being a zombie," I told him. "You're waking up today."
Once again ignoring the pain shooting through my leg, I straddled his torso, immediately feeling a difference in his body. The muscle I was so used to had softened. He was thinner, too.
"What you've done to yourself," I continued to speak, "is unacceptable. We're going to reverse it. You will be yourself again. Do you hear me?"
"Shizu-chan," I hissed, "Shizuo! Look at me."
Like the clouds glows for a split second with a buried flash of lightening, a small spark of electricity flashed in his eyes. Maybe… just maybe… hope still remained.
"I know you're in there. I know you are. I'll tell you one more time. Look at me, Shizuo. Now."
A slight twitch in his right eye went off, but again, he did not do as he was told. With my patience nearly drained, I raised my hand, and like an angry snake, I slapped him across the face, knowing that the sting of my strike would be enough to make any normal grown man cry.
"NOW," I growled, my face only inches apart from his.
He blinked twice before those charcoal eyes found their way to mine. And from my point of view, I could see my own red spheres in their reflection. I had never seen such glazed eyes on a living person. Did he even have a soul anymore?
"Better," I grumbled. "You're not allowed to be this breed of careless, Shizu-chan. Apathy is not your style."
With his eyes fixated on mine, I had no doubt that his attention was fixated as well. I was going to wake him up from our shared nightmare. Then and there.
"Is this what you want?" I continued to speak to him, deciding that taunting him may eventually pay access to his emotions, "To be nothing more than an aging corpse for the rest of your life? This is no way to live. I thought you were useless before, but this takes things too far. Wake up, Shizuo. Wake up. Live again."
As I spoke, I noticed his eyes begin to drift away once again. I couldn't allow this. I couldn't bear to let him slip, and slip, and keep slipping away until there was even less left than what laid beneath me. I couldn't come close to even imagining what he'd be like if he continued to dissipate into the darkness of his own mind, let alone comprehend it.
"No! Damn it. Focus, you idiot," I began to panic. "Don't. Do not look away from me. You shoved me out of your life for a new one, but you're throwing yourself away instead. I'm not letting this go any farther."
Like a quiet pulse, another flash surged behind his eyes. My heart leapt but for a moment. Just as soon as the power surge rolled through his twin orbs, they disappeared, followed by an even deeper vacancy. Shizuo was still falling. It was becoming more difficult by the moment to take such a bipolar happening. He seemed to fade faster each time he tried to break through.
"Listen to me, Shizu-chan." Bending over, I pressed my forehead into his and shut my eyes. "You can't leave. You can't just die out like the remnants of an old candle's flame. You are not that weak. The strongest man in Tokyo is not that weak."
I pressed my lips into his, immediately noticing the missing taste of cigarettes, whose poisonous, burned flavor only ever added to Shizuo's enticing charm. A charm that I became so hooked on that it was a physical need, which had me contemplating the meaning of my own life on rooftops every few days.
Enough was enough.
"Fuck," I snarled, pulling my lips away. "You do not get to do this. I won't let you. After everything I've done to keep you, you're not allowed to just disappear because you didn't want to be what I admired you for. I stood twenty stories above death today, wondering if the single step forward to separate me from that death would bring you back. When have I ever been so selfless as to throw my own life away from somebody else's, ne? I once believed that there would never be anyone I would die for. Don't make all we've been through for nothing." I smiled. "I've gone far and beyond to keep you."
Yes. Shizuo knew better than anyone else that I would do absolutely anything to keep him, that I would bend, twist, devour, anyone I saw fit to my will, if only to keep him close to me. I could not count the numerous incidents I've pieced together, if only to make sure he could never walk out of my life. And maybe I come off as a bit possessive, or even obsessive for that matter. However, as much as I could never figure out about my Shizu-chan, there was something about him that only I had control over. Let it be known, that his unfiltered rage most certainly was not that something; yet, at the end of every day, we were drawn together like a pair of magnets.
"Every horrid thing I've done to you has done nothing but keep us together," I sighed at so many blissfully bloody memories before a small giggle escaped from my throat for the first time in months. "And the one time you do something to yourself, we are torn apart like the enemies we pretend to be."
Shizuo's pupils dilated just slightly. He was trying.
"Look deep into your mind," I made my best attempt at encouragement. "Remember? Search yourself, Shizuo. Search yourself, because I can't search for you. I can only hand you the rope to guide you out."
I let out a sigh of relief as his eyelids slid shut. A slow exhale slipped out, matching mine.
"Think," I continued, "Remember all of it. The first time my blade met your skin. The first time you made me bleed. The first time you wrapped your hands around my throat. Think back. And what of more infuriating times? How about the time I dumped you? Remember how raw you felt? And I spent the next few months torturing you until you took what you wanted anyway? Heh. In the fire escape in the alley? The terrifying rage you spread throughout the city is unforgettable, Shizu-chan. And what did you do during that time? Fought Saika's children single-handed. Destroyed a no-name journalist… twice. Beat up a high school kid. Got shot, and somehow walked your bleeding ass here. Which, by the way, was my doing. Kida Masaomi had nothing to do with it." Another small laugh popped out of me. "I still have the gun. Infact, I-"
The thought train fell off its cracks. Shifts in Shizuo's muscles caused me to jolt upright, wide-eyed and waiting. Shizuo's eyes, still staring off, blinked their way into focus, no longer clouded by chemical apathy. As if the machine had been plugged in, an immediate difference was visible by the look in his eyes alone. A past-due hurricane swirled within formerly dead spheres, shining bright with furious electrical waves.
"Shizu-chan?" I squeaked.
His eyes met mine, hooking me in instantly. Fatal gravity recharged between us. I could feel it in my bones.
In a flash, Shizuo forced himself upright with his hand at my throat. His long fingers tightened around my neck. He pushed me onto my back with a large thud, breathing heavily, angrily, violently, like somebody had just insulted his mother. "You did what?" he growled behind clenched teeth.
Fighting back the burn of tears, I shut my eyes with a smile. "You're back," from beneath his hand, I choked.
Reopening my eyes, I stared at the contorted look on his face. He looked as if he was having some sort of religious revelation. The grip he had on my neck loosened. Shizuo fell backwards, barely catching himself on time. He, too, needed to catch his breath.
Sitting up, I massaged the fresh bruise on my throat. "Shizuo, you're back," I repeated.
Staring at me, begging me to fill him with the words he could not find, he forced himself back onto me in a different manner. Fingers lacing, he pushed his lips into mine, running his smoke-free tongue across my bottom lip. He chomped down on his long-deserted territory, hard enough to evict traces of blood from my mouth. Responding with a small, ecstatic moan, I let him in.
One hand slipped out of mine for a new target. Slithering up my shirt, I shuddered at the feeling of his cold fingertips on my torso, turning me on - making me want him - more than I've ever wanted before. I allowed him to rediscover me; to touch something familiar before the weight of the last several months sunk heavily into his heart. I gave myself up to him faster than a five-dollar hooker to pervert just before dawn.
"Shizu-chan… nngggh," I groaned, as his lips traveled away from my mouth and down my neck. I felt like a heroin addict achieving a fix for the first time after months of sobriety. I felt disgustingly wonderful.
Tearing at the button on my jeans, Shizuo's hands shook from their recently limited use, but I could feel his excitement when he achieved success; consequently destroying a good pair of new pants. Who could care? I missed this. I needed this.
With his old force returning to him, Shizuo flipped me over, executing a strong sense of what he saw as dominance. We both knew better, even as an unspoken rule; however, I gave him this. Just once.
"On your knees," he growled, hovering over me, less than an inch from my ear. His hot breath sent a sharp tingle down my spine.
I did as I was told for a brief moment, just before the pain in my leg came back with screaming force. I needed to stop losing track of myself, but the look in steel eyes made it difficult not to stray from reality. I hissed from the agony, automatically reaching for my injury.
"Izaya?" Shizuo whispered, placing a relatively gentle hand on my lower back.
Unwilling to ruin the moment, I laughed off my own physical anguish, carefully balancing myself on both knees.
I couldn't fight a masochistic grin. "You've done worse to me than this."
"Fine." My smile remained as I flipped onto my back. "Now. Take me. I'm yours."
Shizuo hesitated a smidge, surprised by my willingness to continue, whether or not I was tormenting myself. He should have been used to this. Reassurance with a kiss gave him a fresh green light. Grabbing me firmly by the waist, he pulled me into his lap and buried himself in me before I could react to how utterly solid he was as he entered. I cried out from the pain, blended with pleasure, as he had his way with me. With my hands wrapped around his forearms, I dug my fingernails into his skin, breaking flesh and drawing blood. To Shizuo, it wasn't even a tickle.
"Ngh!" I moaned, my eyes rolling back as he shoved himself into me, annihilating my senses.
Shizuo bit down on the softest part of my neck. I crumpled in his arms as the pressure in his bite deepened. I could feel it in his breathing. I could feel that he wanted it - needed it - more than I did. And God, did it feel wonderful.
"How does it feel?" he growled, feeling that I was ready to explode.
"Ahh… I… Shizu… Ngh. Ooh…" were the only sounds I was capable of making.
"Good," he cooed pleasantly; almost gently, as he thrust into my body several more times before we both completely collapsed under the pressure of extreme ecstasy in our unfiltered, vicious desire to have each other then and there.
He pulled out of me, leading me into arching my back from the intolerable sensation that pairs with being taken dry by such impossible strength… and enjoying it.
Coated with sweat, Shizuo pulled me into his chest, his t-shirt sticking tightly to his body, while I kept my unexplainably naked self covered with a fleece blanket.
"Are you okay, Izaya?" Shizuo asked delicately.
"Ne," I smiled at the tender inflection placed on my name, burying my face in the crook of his neck, with one hand in his hair. "I'll be fine. So long as you never change yourself again."
"I don't remember anything. It feels cold. Like waking up from a dream."
"It was…" my voice dropped. "It was very cold without you."
He exhaled for the umpteenth time. "Izaya…"
"Don't… not right now," I whispered, feeling my weights tugging at my eyelids.
"Well don't go to sleep! You're hurt!"
"Don't be an idiot. I'm fine," a yawn stretched and distorted my words.
As I began to doze, I realized how long it had been since I felt comfortable… just how long it had been since I was falling asleep, rather than forcing myself. Like I had been keeping myself awake for the last several months just waiting… waiting for my Shizuo to wake up so that I could get some sleep of my own. I didn't care that I'd wake up to a knee the size of a cantaloupe, its cap cracked down the center. I didn't care about the hand shaped bruise that I would have to wear around my neck for the next two weeks, or the fact that a doctor and his headless girlfriend would find me naked and snuggled into a straggly-haired blond the next morning.
Fuck it all. I had my life back, everything down to the smell of fresh cigarettes wafting through the air as I said goodnight.