Baby don't understand
Why we can't just hold on
To each others hands
This time might be the last
I fear unless I make it all too clear
I need you so
Take these broken wings
And learn to fly again
And learn to live so free
And when we hear the voices sing
The book of love will open up
And let us in
Take these broken wings
Love is, unexplainable. Love is unique. One of a kind. Love is something that can set a whole generation free, or break the people in between. Love is a sentiment. It's a feeling. Something so good, so perfect. You can't tasted it. Or feel it, or grasp it, or see it. You can't hear it sing or hear it talk, or hear it move. You can't see it infiltrate your heart or your soul. You can't see that it's slowly creeping inside your insides, inside the never ending beating organ, and change you completely. You can't see it change you into a better person, you can't see it change a whole world. Or break somebody somewhere on it's road.
It's unbelievable that something so pure, so good can make you feel so, wrong. So weak. It's so strange that something like that can tear away your heart, and throw it on the floor. It's unbelievable that something that can and will save the world from pain, hunger, danger and violence, can tear away the wings it gave you to fly, and make you fall. With love you expect that if or when you fall, somebody will be standing down there at the cave, waiting to catch you. You expect that his or her arms would be filled with love and hold you completely save.
Love is blind. It's this sunglasses that is pitch dark, just so you can't really see who's standing before you. So you won't judge a person on it's looks, or see this person for his or her past. You see this person as the words he or she tells you. You see this person in the way it makes you feel. That's why love is blind. Because when or if that day ever comes that you fall for him or her, you fall for them because of their insides, and nothing else matters. Love is blind, because you expect so much from somebody even if you haven't seen them. Love is blind in so many ways. In ways that you ignore the things he or she can do to you, because you're so desperately and irrevocably in love with this person, that you see the things that you want to see. You see the things that you think are there, and ignore the truth.
Love is about taking chances, believing that a person who has once done wrong, could do right. Perhaps with your hands, or with your words, or your kisses, or the love that you give to them. You expect that you could be the one to change them into being somebody better. But knowing this, wanting this to happen, you have to give your own price. You give and you get.
So you gave your heart to them in return that they could love you, in change that they could become better. You give your heart not only to prove them that your faithful, but also because you don't know how to reward them into revoking that strange perfect feeling from you.
You expect so much from them after that. You expect them to keep your heart save, to love you just as much as you love them, to want to be with only you. Because you want to be with only them, than in return, obviously, they should want that too. You don't give your heart to somebody, without expecting that they would want you in that same way, too.
You expect them to love you, even if your not all that smart, or if you have a tiny bit of a problem with your own body, or if you think your fat when in all honestly you train like a madmen and have chiseling shaped abs. You expect them to not want to change you when it's something you really love doing. Like; drawing, or reading comic books, or going to Avatar. You expect them to love your dorky side, because that's who you are, and that should be one of the main reasons why they fell for you in the first place. You expect them to want only you, even if your dyslectic, or a bit dense, or if you painted you hair blond to fit in because in your old school you got teased for being different.
It's when you're inside that relationship, and during your time together, that you finally start noticing that that isn't at all true. Not to her, at least. She doesn't really accept you like that, she doesn't really care for you like that. She tells you that she does like you and that she does want you above everyone else. But then you see her and her ex getting closer, and you see differ things then she tells you. You notice touches that linger, and eyes that connect a while longer. You notice things that you expect the love of your life never to have with another guy, but you.
But you think just because your a bit dense, and dyslectic, and have your own problems, that perhaps your wrong.
And also, mostly because you've giving her your heart and you're afraid that if this is true, you're going to be broken.
You deal with the glances they share, and the dates that go canceled. You suck it up, and draw her on a tin piece of white paper, because your think that that way she could be near you even if she's not in the same room. You draw her with perfect blond hair, and beautiful golden brown eyes. You draw her perfectly, just the way you see her. And in the drawing she looks beautiful, just the way you see her. You draw her with a cross around her neck, and make her wear the wave blue dress she's known for. It makes her look almost Angelic, as you expect her to be.
You draw her before a mirror, and this is the first time ever that you even dared to draw her in a different light. You draw her reflection in the mirror, but she looks different then in person. She doesn't look like the same Quinn on the drawing, but more like a girl who's insides are shown. And this girl has horns, and an devious smile. She still has the necklace shaped around her neck, but it seems more foreshadowing then anything else. Like a mask hiding what is really beneath. You draw this girl who's confused, angry, mean, unsure, unhappy. She's different then the girl looking in the mirror with a shy smile.
And somehow you think you've drawn her perfectly.
You expect after everything that both of you have gone through, with accepting that she has a baby outside of you and hers little world, and has had feelings for a boy you see as your closes friend. That both of you could only become stronger from this. Bigger and brighter. But somehow, after days that pass and dates that get canceled over and over again. You feel like something is wrong, and you choose to no longer ignore it.
When you confront her in front of her locker you're demanding for answers. Not only as to why she's no longer talking to you, but also why she's been ignoring your calls. You love her, and want to be with her, but her actions make it more harder for you to hold on.
''I don't know what your talking about Sam... I've never even so much received a text message from you.''
You know that that's a lie because you have her number about a hundred times in your dialed list and every one of them hit voice mail. ''Don't lie to me Quinn.'' You just want her to tell you the truth, because being kept in the dark just hurts all the more. You deserve at least that bit of honestly.
''I'm not.'' She bats her eye lashes, knitting her eyebrows together. You know that she's expecting you to believe this. And you know that the moment she touches you or kisses you, you will be falling down her feet and telling her sorry... When you know you've done nothing wrong. Her hand reaches out, and when it touches your forearm, kneading it slightly, that frown disappearing from her face, you feel your knees weakening and you become limp to her affection. She's this drug that you have to quit for at least a few days or so, but whenever it flashes through your eyes or finds it's way back into your life, you reach for it and get addicted once more. ''You believe me, don't you?''
She sounds so honest, she sounds so pure. She couldn't... No never... She could never do something wrong to you. Never her, never she. She may have done wrong things in her past, but now she's with you. And you aren't her past. You're her present, her future. And that counts more then a few mistakes that have been made.
You manage a smile. And let the insecurities past you in a wave. Some may say that your too nice, or too forgiven, but Quinn is worth it because she loves you, just like you love her. She would never tear your wings away or break your heart.
''I do... I was... Just—Nothing.'' You shake your head, taking her hand of your forearm and pulling her flush against your body. ''I believe you.'' You sound truthful, but somehow your voice sounds forced all the while.
You don't dare to question your trust in her.
When your sitting in Science class, the only class that you don't share with Quinn, Finn, Puck, Mike, and Artie, you find your eyes meeting the hunched over body of a petite little girl. Her brown hair falling like a curtain over her face. She seems focused on the book she has on top of the table, pursing her lips while reading. You notice that nobody is sitting next to her, and even though usually you would sit next to Kurt, because he's the only guy after Finn that you could trust, you find that your feet rather disobey you and head to the empty chair next to her. You can't see the curious eyes looking back at you, but you do know that they are there.
When you're standing next to the empty table of the girl, you think it's necessary to make your presence know. With a slightly cough, and wiggling on your feet. You hold the books in your right hand tighter against your body. Waiting for her to acknowledge you.
She does of course, and she looks shocked and surprised. She manages a smile though, and it's the bright big smile she's known for. When you want to talk and ask her if this seat is free, you notice that the beautiful smile that is covering her face isn't reaching her brown orbs. You see that her eyes look dry and a bit puffed but you don't really comment about it, nor do you even talk.
You actually just keep staring at her. Like she's this fascination that you've never really seen before.
She breaks the silence though, looking uncomfortable. ''Do you want to sit here?'' She sounds a bit nervous and unsure. She, perhaps, doesn't expect you to want to sit here, and moreso ask to borrow something from her. But you surprise her when you answer with a yes.
She pushes her schoolbag out of the way and offers you the chair. Looking down, straight afterwards at her book, as though you're not there anymore.
With your eyes still attached to her form you take the empty chair as your own and sit down, placing you books on the table. When you turn back to the black board. You can hear her sniff just a bit. You turn you sight back to her, but you don't see her crying. She looks like she's holding back the tears instead, and with reading you think that she's using that as a distraction from her troubling mind. But you can see that it's doing no good, and that she's falling apart slightly before your eyes. You've never really seen Rachel Berry break. Something like that even if it's only in your mind, already sounds so wrong. But looking at her, looking at the broken sight of her, kinda intrudes you, and makes you all the more fascinated.
You think that this is beautiful, and that you want to capture her fragile moment.
You catch her eyes flash to the corner of her eyes, and catch a glimpse of you. You don't remove your sight away from her, and you know that she knows that your still looking.
You can hear your teacher on the back ground, but for the life of you, you can't bring yourself to care about the lesson.
She breaths out, eyes twinkling. And then she murmurs something soft, whispering for only them to hear.
But you don't really hear her all that well, and ask her what she just said.
When she speaks again, it's the same tone, only just a bit harder, yet only they can hear it. ''They'll never be over each other.'' You don't know what she's talking about, as you raise an eyebrow. But she doesn't look up, and contrary continues. Making it clearer. ''Finn and Quinn... They'll forever love each other.''
You think that that was the hardest slap in your face that somebody could ever give you. Even if they are just words.
(Secretly you know she's right, but choose to use the ignorance card.)
''What are you talking about?''
''You know what.''
You do... You do know. ''I don't.''
''Don't play a fool Sam.'' She finally looks up, and her eyes are soulless. Dark. She's not the happy, bubbly girl you know. Not the smiley smiley princes you've seen. Not the joyful peppy girl who's done everything to shine, even when she's been thrown underneath buses and used as a human shield. And honestly, if your going to be honest with yourself, you think that seeing her like this, has been the most honest moment she's ever shown. ''You might act like a dumb ass, but you and me both know your not.''
You don't answer her, partly because you don't want to blow a scene in a class room, but also because you know she's right but your afraid to even act upon that, because you know how it will end, and how your going be left after all of it.
When it's late in the night, and your about to sleep. You can't shake of the sight of Rachel's form from your mind. Next thing you know your reaching for your drawing block, and on a completely bare paper, you draw two girls. One with brown hair, a pretty smile, and a joyful look. It's this girl who helps others, and puts people before her, this girl with ambitions, and dreams, and who lets nothing break her. You draw powerful, determent eyes that can look through your soul, and a star on one of her animal sweaters. You draw her hands on her hips and a glamorous smile haunting her lips. You draw Rachel Berry, the girl everybody sees on the left.
And on the right you draw Rachel Berry that nobody ever sees. You draw that vulnerable girl that you've seen today, and the girl you suspect that is always presented when the whole world is sleeping and nobody's watching. You draw colorless eyes, and tear streaked cheeks. You draw this girl who looks shattered beyond repair, and who has to lean on things that aren't there to stay.
You draw this girl that is completely opposite from the left Rachel Berry. And with their sides practically attached on the drawing, you see two sides of a girl you've believed only had one. The right Rachel has a crest fallen face, an broken sight, shapeless smile.
And when your finished, looking at both girls, you think that you've never seen anything more honest then this. She isn't like all the other drawings you've drawn of other people, she's not like Quinn who has this evil side to her. Or Santana that may or may not have a sweeter side, or Finn that may or may not have that selfish side to him.
You let the pencil fall from you fingers, and closes the note block.
That night when you sleep, you dream of broken hearts and tears, and Rachel Berry has the main role in your own personal nightmare.
When you finally head to school, you've realized since waking up that you've got a lying girlfriend and a back stabbing friend. You've realized that falling in love hurts like hell, and trusting peoples can kill a person completely. You've shortly just realized that everything sucks, and your whole world is a lie.
You've figured out that a person can make you and just easily break you too. You wonder why a person would do that to you, when you've loved her so much, cared for her, and been nothing but faithful. You try cracking your brain about why you weren't ever good enough to be her number one, or better yet, her only one. But you mostly just want to know why she does that to every other boy that can love her irrevocably.
Does she see it like a game? Are you perhaps just a game to her?
It hurts, because this just feels like somebody stabbed you with a knife and deepened it all the way to make you feel so much pain.
But deeply, somewhere in your conscious you know, that you won't break up with her until you've talked to her. And if she so much even said that she cares for you or loves you, you might just forget everything Rachel told you, and take her back that instant.
(You can't really being to comprehend why love would make you still want to give a chance to somebody who's killing you, inside out.)
You head up to your next class, but during your walk through the hallways your ears pick up a familiar voice. You hear this song with emotional filled lyrics, but the voice itself brings in the real depth. You know that only one person could sing about her feelings during a school day. And somehow you feel like going up to her and listen to her up close. Maybe even catch a glimpse of her actions. You think that seeing her completely in serene with herself is something most beautiful.
You watch all around you to see the students walking to their respective classes, and without even hesitating you open the auditorium door and head in. With little steps, and your eyes that roam over the dark place, you follow the sound that penetrates your hearing. You clinch the books tightly to your side and purse your lips in complete focus.
You make sure to make less to no sound, because you fear that if you do she might hear you and feel hostile. Perhaps fear will fill her body, and her voice will die out. You don't want to risk the chance of not seeing her sing her heart out. Because you know, without a doubt, that that would be one of her pure moments that she rarely shows to the world. You think if you could just catch a little glimpse of her, no matter how small, you could picture her complete and capture her on your note block. Draw her like nobody else can see her.
(It's strange, but you don't really know why you want to see her in a differ light.)
This little ray of light falls before you on the floor, and when you cup your head up to the stage, you see her completely. You see her better then you've ever expected. Her hair is curled down, and her voice is shifting through the room. Her hands are spread next to her as she belts out the notes of a song.
Take these broken wings
You got to learn to fly
And learn to live so free
And when we hear the voices sing
Her eyes shut close. Just for a moment. But you think that that moment lasts forever. You look at her and you see her different, better. You don't see Rachel Berry who's determent or obnoxious, you see a broken Rachel an emotional girl who's trying to find her way. You see a girl who sends her heart and soul in words so powerful.
You see this girl who opens her eyes in one snap, and makes all that sadness seem like strength. You see this girl who pushes her hands before her, as though she's trying to grab something.
But you see nothing.
Let us in
Let us in
You think (no you know) that she's trying to break free from something that has her captured. You know she's trying to find the pieces of her shattered heart somewhere on the floor, but she knows they're lost.
You know she's trying to find somebody to save her, she always needs somebody to save her. She just never shows it.
But you know.
(Is it so wrong that you want to be her hero, when you need saving yourself?)
Her voice dies out, and her lips fall shut. She closes her eyes, and her arms fall limp next to her sides. She releases one little tear that falls down her chin and creeps down her clothing.
And your mesmerized by the sight.
You don't want to bother her in her moment, and that's why you turn around really quietly and shut the door close. You've chosen to act like that moment never happened, because you know that she wouldn't like it if somebody saw her that vulnerable.
But when you're walking down the hallway, up to your class. You don't think about being late, or about being heart broken, you don't think about Quinn or your so called best friend who has stabbed you in your back.
You think of Rachel, instead. And you think about when you'll have time off to draw her just the way you saw her today.
Quinn is crying.
And you want nothing more but to wrap your arms around her and tell her soothing words. You want to be that guy that she depends on. The one she needs when her tears are falling and she needs a shoulder. You want to tell her that everything is going to be alright, and that you are going to be with her, forever. You're a nice guy, your mother raised you to be just that, and your father thought you manners. That's why you can't stand seeing a girl cry knowing that your the cause of her tears.
A voice deep inside your subconscious tells you that your not to blame, but when she cries, begging you to understand her, you know that this whole mess is about you too, and maybe it is your fault. Maybe you've been a bad boyfriend? Maybe you've treated her like crap? Maybe you should have never asked to go past first base? Perhaps you should have understand that she has had a child and that doing things that can risk the possibility of getting once again pregnant, wouldn't be in her favor? Perhaps you didn't care for her enough?
Perhaps it's your fault.
''I didn't mean for it to happen...''
It's still hurts you, even if it may be your fault. It still kills you inside, even if you may have brought it upon yourself.
She's moving towards you, and you reach out, wiping a strand of her perfectly shaped blond hair from her face.
You weaken for her, like you always do. She's your drug. Deathly, bad, unhealthy, but you still want her.
''I love you Quinn.'' Why are you so weak? Why can she do this to you, without getting any consequences.
(But it's your fault too, remember?)
''Then don't break up with me!'' She shouts, looking around the hallway. She bites her lip, suppressing the tears that might fall. And you don't want to see her cry, and that's why you cherish her cheek to minimize the ache she's feeling. She leans against your hand. ''Stay with me Sam...'' She breaths out. And her eyes pierce into yours, and you weaken all the more for her. Always... Always for her. ''If you love me, you won't hurt me.''
But what about you? What about her, hurting you? Does she even love you?
''If you loved me, you wouldn't have cheated on me.'' You barely manage to get it out, but when it does leave your lips, it feels like that piercing knife is pressing harder against your heart, but at the same time this weight is lifted from your shoulders.
''I do love you.''
''Then why did you do it?''
She can't really answer, and she looks like she's searching for an appropriate retort.
You don't expect her to answer, because you know, even if you may think that in some way it's your fault too, that there is no justifying cheating.
And that's where she loses.
You want to hug her, still, after all. Kiss her senseless, tell her it's going to be alright.
But that's your heart, telling you something, and it doesn't control your brain. Your brain, the one who can think clearly during the time when you don't know what you really want, shakes your head, and makes you walk away. It makes you walk past her and ignore her calls. It's what makes you straighten your back and move forward.
It's what refrains you from falling into her hands, and accepting her back.
Although, It does not stop you from loving her. It does not ease the ache you feel in your heart, the nauseating feeling inside the bottom pit of your stomach. It does not stop you from crying.
''Can I stay here?''
You ask her one simple question. One simple sentence. One simple answer can change both of you completely. You ask her something that has taken a lot of courage out of you. You come over willingly, because you can't really go anywhere. You can't go to your house 'cause it reminds you of Quinn, you can't head up to Kurt because Finn lives there, and you don't want to see his face right now. You're not ready to confront the boy for helping your girlfriend to tear your heart out, to tear your wings away.
You head up to a girl you barely talk to and barely know. You ask her something because you expect her to understand you. You expect her to know how you feel, and understand how it is like to fall while flying. It's idiotic, and strange, because a part of you knows that that isn't the only reason why you've come over.
It wouldn't surprise you if she refused to let you in. But she's Rachel Berry, and even though if there's the determent side, and the broken side, there will always be that generous part that's in both sides. She'll always have the heart to help others.
She motions her head for you to come in, and widens the door. You walk inside and she tells you to head up to her room.
When she closes the door, and you walk up to her bed, you seat yourself on top of it. Staring ahead of you. You know that you've come here for support but you're not really ready to talk. It's like you just wanted to be in her presences because she has this vibe that calms you down. That makes you feel good. You know you need this kind of feeling (like you need Quinn as a drug) because if you didn't receive it, you'd probably already head up to the Hummel household, and lunge yourself forward to punch Finn.
(A little part of you thinks that Rachel could be the cure for you addiction.)
You don't know how she does it, but she does it well. She knows how you're feeling, with just one look. With just one glance, and she already understands. She walks up to you, and sits next to you. Not sharing a word, not speaking up. She just lets her hand creep to yours and lays it gently on top. You take her hand in yours and squeeze it gently, and you think that this is the kind of support you really needed. Even if the gesture is yet so small, it's more then enough.
She's humming a little song under her breath. And it seems to calm you down. It sounds familiar, but you can't really put your mind to what it might be.
Baby I think tonight
We can take what was wrong
To make it right
You close your eyes, and settle for listening to her voice only. It's calming and soothing, and just perfect. It's all that you need. It's everything that you want.
Baby it's all I know
That you're half of the flesh
And blood makes me whole
Need you so
She keeps singing the whole time, and that anger and sadness that was in your body floats softly away. You wait until the song is finished before you open up your eyes, and turn your head to her face. She looks peaceful and quite, but sad and tired at the same time.
Later that night, when she falls asleep on her bed you lay her on her back.
You watch her peacefully, and think that if you could capture her moment, it would make your world. You head up to one of her drawers next to her bed and search for a blank piece of paper and a pencil to match.
It's when you've finally found your objects, that you settle on the bed, and draw her. She might think your crazy if she wakes up and sees you looking at her, but you can't bring yourself to care right now.
You draw this shape full girl wearing a sweet little smile. You draw her eyes closed and her brown locks spread around her face. You draw the darkness surrounding her features, but above all, she still shines light. She sparkles as the stars she calls metaphors, and burns like ardent fire. You can't really bring yourself to draw her sad, because in someway or another she looks stronger then anything else.
With meandered and tight lines you make her look perfect. Perhaps if people may see the drawing they might think that they're seeing a sleeping girl, or a exhausted Rachel Berry. But what you see is far more deeper then that.
When your finished drawing you lay the paper on the drawer next to her bed. And with a kiss goodnight on top of her head you leave her in all her glory. Thinking that she's the most sculpture and beautiful girl you've ever seen.
Take these broken wings
You got to learn to fly
And learn to live so free
And when we hear the voices sing
The book of love will open up
And let us in
AN: Finn and Rachel aren't/weren't together in this story.
Song: Take these Broken wings - Mr. Mister