Okay, The Death Of Edward Cullen is clearly winding down, not attracting many reviews now, so I'll end it this week and replace it with this if it's popular. Cheers.
The Sperm Donor
"You are joking, right?" Rosalie Hale said, sipping on her third coffee of the day.
"Nope. Angela was well tanked but she definitely said Dr Edward Cullen was the donor of the sperm you have been processing all week," Alice replied.
"Damn, I miss one night out and Angela finally unbends and gets drunk and I'm not there to see it," Rose sighed.
"Rosalie, that's not the important part. Edward Cullen is donating sperm. There are going to be small copperheaded children appearing all over the place. We need to get you know who into the programme. She's always crushed on him from afar."
Rose shook her head.
"Bella will never agree. I already suggested donor sperm and she decided it would leave a papertrail and one day, the laws will change and the sperm donor will probably be granted the rights to know which kids are his, and allow contact. And she wants her baby to be just that. Her baby. Hers alone. Anyway, his sperm will not be used here in this town, even if it is true. Maybe Angela made the story up. I can't see Dr Edward the Mighty Cullen wasting his DNA on unknown women."
"But she won't just hook up with some random either, in case he remembers and adds up the months and comes to a total of nine since they bonked. I can't see a solution myself. If she won't hook up and she won't buy herself a sample, how will she ever get pregnant?"
"I personally would go the hook up route," Rose replied, draining her cup. "Not that I have anything against turkey basters but I prefer my sperm donations fresh from the donors themselves. If the guy doesn't know who she is, and he's drunk enough to forget by morning, I don't see the problem. Maybe someone from out of town would be best. Or we could take her further afield. Think about that."
"What do you mean?" Alice asked, sipping her own cup of java.
"If Mohammad won't come to the mountain...We could buy plane tickets for her birthday and take her to New York for a couple of nights. Go to a club or two, help her pick out a healthy looking male with decent looks and buy him a drink or two and take him back to the motel with the promise of a bit of fun with all three of us, then get him into bed with Bella. Once he's done the deed with her, we all leave and he wakes up in the morning wondering what the Heck happened and unable to recall if he did spend the night with three amazing women or what?"
"I bet he'll tell his friends he did anyway," Alice laughed.
"Then we come home and nine months down the track, Bella has her anonymous kid and life is perfect. She could use a false name and tell him she lives in LA or Las Vegas, or I dunno, maybe even overseas. She could do a British accent."
"I guess we could suggest this to her and see what she thinks," Alice frowned. It wasn't as easy as they had first assumed, thinking of a way to get a truly father-free baby for their best friend. All roads seemed to lead to a way the Baby Daddy could trace her one day and demand equal rights or whatever.
"So, why is Dr Dishyward donating sperm anyway?" Alice pondered.
"Maybe every time he makes a deposit of it inside his girlfriend it freezes and dies. That Tanya is one cold bitch," Rose replied.
"But their wedding will be amazing. All that Cullen money and you do have to admit, Tanya Denali has the looks and style to be the Bride of the Century. I wonder when they'll tie the knot?"
"It is strange there have been no new announcements since the last time, when she had her tantrum and called the wedding off. They are properly back together again, right?"
"Who knows? She comes to visit a couple of times a week for a lunch date with him but half the time he's too busy and she stomps out of the hospital and he yells at us all for the rest of the day. They truly are a match made in Hell. I know she's stunning but what the fuck? Who would honestly sign up to marry her and be stuck with that cold fish in their bed forever? He could do so much better."
"It is weird. With his looks he could have his pick of women," Rose agreed.
"What would you do if he ever looked your way?" Alice asked, grinning.
"I guess I'd take him home and give him a night to remember. With a real, hot blooded woman who knew what she was doing and leave him exhausted and breathless by morning. And then he'd never touch that Ice Queen again."
"God, the bed wouldn't survive, would it?" Alice said dreamily. Poor Dr Edward looked like he needed a good night of Rosalie Hale love.
"Back to work," Alice sighed, placing her cup into the dishwasher in the Staff Lounge.
"You wouldn't say No to him either," Rose said, as she saw Alice blush and pretend to straighten her already neat and tidy nurses uniform.
"Maybe not. It would be nice to have a night like that to look back on," Alice sighed. "It'll never happen. Tanya has her talons sunk into him so deep, she probably has him followed when they are apart."
"Hmm, well, if he ends up in my bed, I'd pay for a copy of the sex tape," Rose laughed and added her cup to the row in the machine.
"See you tonight?" Alice asked.
"You bet. There's no way I'm not partying on Bella's birthday. Where are we going?"
Alice shrugged. "Somewhere bright and crowded and noisy, with lots of good looking random half drunk men," she stated.
"Just the usual, then," Rose laughed.
She turned and headed in the opposite direction to her friend. Alice worked in the main hospital, either in ER or on the wards.
Rose worked in the Fertility Clinic, a small building off to the far right of the hospital grounds. It was discreetly situated away from the main building so patients got privacy. Nobody needed to know their business, whether they were there like Dr Edward to donate or to see one of the fertility specialists and begin the rounds of seemingly endless tests if they had a problem conceiving.
Hopefully most of them would end up attending the Prenatal Clinic back in the main building one day. Then eventually, Alice would be there at their sides in the Labor and Delivery suites.
Rose pulled on a clean lab coat and started processing today's donations. Every donor had his own code and a long, detailed file listing his health, family history etc. She saw Bella's point. One day the laws could change and these men could find out exactly who got their sperm and the judge could decide they had rights to their progeny.
And Bella wanted to be a truly single parent to a baby with no father to ever gain any rights.
Rose still thought her idea was the best one but Bella would fret and worry about having sexy times sans condom with a hook up.
She was right about that, but she couldn't have it both ways. A sperm donation from the clinic was guaranteed clean, the men were all screened and tested before they went anywhere near the private little rooms with their Playboys and soft porn videos to give them a 'helping hand'. But there were records.
A random hook up could have any number of diseases.
She carefully checked the latest sample from Donor X21 for motility and the ratio of normal to abnormals, and started the process of storing the sample in the straws that would be deep frozen, awaiting use when a needy lady chose this donor from the books. He was listed as tall, blond, a professional man. Hmm, Rose wondered if he frequented the bar.
They had three donors this week. That was fairly average.
She'd barely finished when a rough looking Angela sailed in and shut the door behind her.
"Here, the last sample from the most handsome donor ever seen in this facility," Angela said, almost hyperventilating. "God, sorry, I mean, from Donor X 27. Shit Rose, you never heard me say that, right?"
"Say what?" Rose laughed, taking the small plastic container and peering at the murky liquid inside.
"So, Angela fancies a donor. Did you go in and help him make this deposit?" Rose joked. "Give him a hand?"
Angela blushed bright red.
"You would have if you could have, right?" Rose teased.
"I'm so hung over. God you missed a great night. Alice and I were dancing on table tops and every man in the bar was gathered around watching us. It was pretty amazing, all that whistling and cheering. I felt like a stripper or something."
"I imagine Alice forget to wear her panties, that always draws attention," Rose joked and Angela's face fell.
"You mean that? Alice goes commando on table dancing nights?"
"Only joking. Alice always spends half an hour choosing the panties du jour."
"Angela," someone called and the girl waved and bolted.
Rose set the container down and started preparing the necessary instruments and her cell buzzed. She usually turned it off while working but she glanced at the screen.
It was Bella.
She answered and sat up on the bench and settled for a chat. She knew Bella was pretty depressed over reaching twenty seven today and no man in sight, and today was a quarter life crisis for her.
"Hello, getting ready for tonight?" Rose asked cheerfully.
"Sure but forget choosing me a random to bring home. I'm not quite that desperate yet. Are you sure you don't give away free samples at work? There must be some sperm donations nobody wants. Couldn't you sneak me out a couple of straws?" she joked.
"Sorry, this place is tighter than Fort Knox. Once the samples are stored away it takes two types of id cards to free them from their icy home and they are always retrieved by Dr Carlisle Cullen and Angela, I would have to take them both down to poach any straws for you. And while I wouldn't mind rolling around on the ground with Dr Carlisle..."
"Rose, you are bad! Just plain naughty. I guess I should start looking at kittens. I mean, a baby or a kitten, no difference, right?"
Rose heard Bella sigh and she encouraged the girl to look forward to tonight. Lots of booze and dancing and maybe some tabletop dancing if Angela was up for it again...
She promised to be at Bella's house soon, seeing her day was almost over and she closed her phone and went back to work.
All that remained to be done was the processing of Donor X27's last sample and she could leave.
Donor X27 , whoever he might be, had already provided the clinic with multiple batches, would anyone even miss this latest sample? It hadn't been processed and there was nobody else in here. What if he'd had less than usual to donate? There was no standard amount of semen in a donation. Maybe if she just processed half and took the rest home?
She quickly checked the sperm under the microscope and got half of them ready to freeze and slid the container with the rest inside the bra that housed her larger than average breasts.
Nobody would ever know. It wasn't like the containers were weighed or anything.
She handed today's last batch of straws over to the technician who would freeze them and signed out.
As she drove to Bella's, she bit her lip. This was very wrong and she would be fired instantly if anyone ever knew, but who would tell? Not Bella, that was for sure. And she would immediately wipe the deed from her mind herself. She had no idea of the donor's identity and Angela had said he was good looking. Going on her crush on Ben, that meant a shortish guy with black hair and piercing blue eyes. Angela had a very specific 'type'.
Bella opened the door in her bra and panties with a dress in each hand.
"The little black number or the green? I still don't agree with Alice. I think the green makes me look sickly. Tell me the truth."
"Happy Birthday, Bella," Rose said, kissing her friend's cheek.
"Don't remind me. Twenty fucking seven and still single. It's not exactly something to celebrate. I'm no nearer to my goal of being a Mom before I turn thirty. And prospects are getting worse. Do you really think I should chance a hook up with a random? I decided I am that desperate after all."
"Come upstairs, I bought you a gift," Rose said, locking the front door.
"Rose, you and I turning gay won't get me what I need," Bella laughed.
Rose puled the container from her bra. It was nice and warm, just the way sperm liked to be.
She opened her purse and removed the large single use syringe.
"You can never breathe a word. If this works, then you met some random man and had a little afternoon delight with him before I got here."
"Rose, really? You brought home some left-overs for me?"
"Nope, I caught you in bed with your random, get the story straight right now."
"Oh, right. I'm so embarrassed. Come and help me toss him out and send him on his way. Unless we give him a threesome first?" she joked.
"Forget it, Swan. I don't take sloppy seconds. Lay on your back on the bed and open your legs. And think of England or something."
"Are you sure you want to get that up close and personal to my girlie bits?" Bella grinned.
"I'll keep my eyes averted. Now, pillow under your ass, and stay in position for a couple of hours. I have no idea how long it takes for them to wriggle into the right spot but I guess it's harder than if the original instrument was used to make the delivery. There. Shut your legs and relax and picture one of the swimmers hitting the egg. You are mid cycle, right?'
"Yep, tonight's the night."
"Okay, I'll be back to do your make up and hair and I was never here this afternoon. Got it? Honestly Bella, I could probably go to jail for this. You can never tell anyone."
Rose was already regretting her actions but there was no way anyone would ever know, right? What could happen? Donor X27 would just add one more baby to the world and if his other samples worked as well, it would be one of eleven at the most. Donations from a tiny village like this automatically were send further afield and exchanged with donations from Seattle or even New York. They didn't risk inseminating local women with local sperm in case the progeny ended up at school together and fell in love with one another.
DonorX27 would have no other children here, unless he fathered them himself, the usual way.
And chances were, he was a medical student and it would be some years before he was settled down and producing heirs. All Rose had to do was make sure her Godchild met and married a suitor from afar. Or someone who was definitely the natural child of both his parents.
How many donor babies could there be in a village this size? Bella's could well be the one and only.
Jake pushed the empty gurney back along the corridor. New admittance, man of eighty with a suspected heart attack. He'd been stabilised and admitted and now Jake's shift was almost over.
He snuck outside and puled out his cigarettes. There were no new patients waiting in the ER and he had a moment. A moment of peace and quiet.
Oh shit no.
Cancel that, The Shrieker was here and in full swing.
"You did what?" the grating voice screeched.
"Tanya, it's not like you will ever want a child from me. You've made that very clear."
"That doesn't mean I want your kids popping up all over town."
"That won't happen. The donations are sent far away."
"Why the fuck do men need to have kids? To prove their dicks work?"
"Some of us want to leave a legacy behind when we die," Dr Edward growled.
"I am not standing for this. You get those samples back and have them destroyed or we are done, Edward. I mean it."
Jake grinned. What a woman. Dr Edward was clearly insane, wanting to be with her the rest of his natural life. He hoped the man planned on cheating on this harpy and having himself some fun times on the side. Because there would be very few fun times at home with Ms Denali. Man should try turning gay, it would probably be more fun that being with The Ice Queen.
"Fine, Tanya. By all means, control every single aspect of my life," Edward shouted and Jake hurriedly stubbed out the cigarette and returned to his duties. Dr Edward on the war path was a dangerous enemy. He took his frustration about his fiancee out on everyone in a fifty mile radius.
What the man even saw in the woman was beyond Jake's understanding.
He signed out and made for his car and his cell buzzed.
"Jakey, you coming out with us tonight?" his best friend in the whole world asked.
"You betcha, Bells. I will be there in a sec to hand over your gift then go home and get changed," Jake replied. It was a shame he and Bella couldn't just take that next step and become something but they had been raised almost as brother and sister and it would feel almost incestuous.
"Use the spare key, I'm, uh, resting on my bed. Come on up to my bedroom."
"Uh huh, Bella's pulled. Who was it?" he asked with a laugh.
"Nobody you know. Just a good looking tourist passing through town," she answered."Now, you have better had bought me something awesome."
"You will have to wait and see. I'll be there in ten."
Jake sped down the deserted road and pulled into the Swan residence's driveway. It was still strange not seeing the police cruiser parked there. After seeing Charlie practically every single day since his own birth on the Res, Jake had thought of the man as a second father and his death had left him as bereft as it had Bella.
The last six months had been hard for her and him both. No wonder she was so keen to start a family of her own, even if no man was stepping up to play the role of husband and father.
He wished in a way that he could have done the 'sperm donation' she wanted but with his heritage, it would be obvious to all who the Daddy was and Bella wanted a fatherless child.
Anyway, he planned on getting married and having kids of his own, how awkward if his kids were playing mud pies with their half sibling.
"At least the kid would have been good looking," Jacob laughed to himself. How awesome would his genes have meshed with hers? Bella was oblivious about how beautiful she really was. She compared herself to Rose and came up wanting.
Jake couldn't see for one minute how Bella came to the conclusion the tall blond was so much better looking than she was herself. Jake would choose a girl like Bella over a Rosalie clone any day.
He retrieved the front door key and let himself inside.
Bella was indeed laying on her bed in the bedroom that used to be Charlie's. Now it was unrecognisable.
At first, Bella had refused to consider moving into it, and had kept it as a shrine almost but one day she had called him and the girls and they had stripped the room bare and painted it soft blue with white trim, obliterating the old pale yellow with brown trim decor and she'd had the en suited bathroom ripped out and everything replaced shiny and new.
There was nothing left of Charlie now, and Bella's own small bedroom was already decorated as a nursery. The girl was determined to have half the dream, seeing the usual first half, the boyfriend, fiance, groom had failed to appear and take his role.
"What are you doing lying around with your butt in the air?" Jake asked, tossing the brightly wrapped gift onto the bed, in her reach.
Bella grabbed the present and started ripping off the paper.
"I'm encouraging his swimmers to find my egg, if you have to know."
"I thought most sperm pretty much knew how to do that anyway," Jacob replied.
"Well I'm just helping them along," Bella smiled.
"So, are you sure he will never be back?" Jake checked.
"Absolutely. He was here for a one night stopover and he won't remember this encounter at all, believe me."
"Bella, you didn't roofie him, right?" Jake growled.
"Sort of," Bella shrugged."Maybe. Just know, he will never know about this baby he left behind. I made sure of that."
"Should I be checking the backyard for recently dug earth?" Jake joked.
"Swan, you had better not be in bed with yet another man today, I'm here to pretty you up for tonight," Rose called from downstairs.
"It's just Jake. Come on up," Bella yelled back.
"Hmm, we aren't making sure by using a backup are we?" Rose joked.
"You know what she did?" Jake laughed.
"Know? I walked in on it. Bella in bed with some mysterious hunk of a man going at it like crazy. They barely noticed me there. I turned and ran for the hills, I assure you."
"Yeah, that probably wasn't a pretty sight," Jake agreed.
Bella raised an eyebrow and Rose grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet.
"Shower again and I'll gild the lily. Oh, this is from Alice. She said you will need it to wear tonight."
Bella stood up hesitantly. "Are you sure it's not too soon to stand up?"
"Bella, if his sperm is too stupid to find your egg by now, you don't want a kid from him, believe me."
"I guess you are right."
"I'm out of here," Jake announced, kissing Bella on the cheek. "See you there. The usual bar, right?"
"Where else," Rose replied."We are so spoiled for choice. That bar or...wait, it's the only bar in town."
They heard the front door slam and the VW Rabbit leave.
"Rose, seriously, can you tell me anything about the...man that was in my bed earlier? I didn't see him at all. Do I need to be saying he had nice blond hair or anything? Any outstanding features?"
"Going on information received, I'm thinking, picture someone who looks somewhat like Ben Cheney and work from there."
"It wasn't Ben?" Bella panicked.
"Nooo, he's saving his sperm for Angela, if she ever pulls her head out of her ass and just stops fighting the whole 'I'm so tall and he's so short' thing. It's hardly a reason to not be with the man of her dreams. Their kids will be average height, it stands to reason."
"Or half will be tall and half will be short," Bella suggested.
"Shut up and shower, I have work to do. Magic to perform."
Dr Carlisle Cullen shook his head.
"I told you to tell Tanya before you did the donation," he chided his son.
"I know, I should have listened."
"Edward, are you sure you want your samples destroyed? You don't have to actually do everything that woman asks you to do, you know."
"I do if I want a peaceful life," his son growled.
Carlisle unlocked the door to the storage room and stood back while Angela entered.
"Every vial of Donor X27 please," he said and the technician started opening things and pulling out a series of straws and laying them on the bench.
When he had checked and double checked against the itemized checklist, he nodded.
"Destroy them all. Now."
They all watched as Edward's sperm samples were killed off and the containers trashed.
"Done," Carlisle growled. "Once again, Tanya rules your life. You need to do some serious thinking about whether you want to spend the rest of your life doing her bidding," he warned his son.
Edward ran his fingers through his hair.
His father was right.
It was more habit than anything. They'd dated since High School but it didn't have to mean they had to stay together now. She had waited patiently while he did his medical degree and had remained faithful all those years, and that had made him feel he owed her something.
But the rest of his life?
She'd changed, there was no question. The sweet adoring kid she had been back then had morphed into the demanding, outspoken woman she was today.
Edward walked to his car and decided he needed a single night out, alone, without reporting his whereabouts to her first.
He just needed a drink and a chance to relax and think about his future.
He headed for the only bar in this town.