Contest: Twilight of Craigslist AD Contest (Part I)

Title: Free Tofurkey and Beer!

Rating: M
Word Count (minus A/N and header): 297

Don't forget to read the other entries! www. fanfiction. net/u/ 3211840/ Also, follow us on twitter! twiCraigslist

Seeking Bodyguard/Fake Boyfriend (Thanksgiving Weekend Only) (Forks, WA area)

Date: 2011-10-01, 1:47AM PDT

Reply to: handsofftheswan (at) craigslist (dot) org

I'm looking for a brave guy to protect me from my mother's massage therapist during Thanksgiving break. Last year, he tried to give me an under the table "massage" until I stabbed him with my fork.
Eligible Candidates:

-Must be available Wednesday evening (11/23) - Sunday (11/27)

-Must not have a wife, girlfriend, fuck buddy or anyone else that would want to kick my ass for taking you away for the weekend. This is not negotiable.

-Must endure a four hour drive to Forks.

-Should be accustomed to firearms. My dad is the local police chief.

-Should NOT have any type of sage allergy. The dressing will be loaded with sage and my mother will likely smudge you with sage before allowing you to enter the house.

-Must be willing to let my mother, aka the Reiki Master, handle your chakras.

-Must like kids or at least be willing to pretend. My sister-in-law practices natural family planning. Poorly.

-Must act as a shield between me and the pervert. All weekend. Seriously…I do not want that creep to ever touch me again.

-May be required to engage in light physical contact and feign affection in front of my family and the pervert. Sex is not required, but may occur if Gran makes after dinner margaritas this year. (Premature ejaculators can ignore the sex part)

-Will receive a delicious home cooked Thanksgiving dinner which includes a choice of Tofurkey or real Turkey.

-Must love beer. My dad will have cases of Vitamin R available for your consumption. He'll also expect you to watch sports with him.

Serious inquiries only.
No druggies. (Just in case you missed the part about my dad being a cop)
No geezers. (Ages 23-28 only, please!)
I look forward to your reply.

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Public voting begins Oct 25 and runs through Nov 6. Don't forget to check back to the contest profile page on Oct 25 to place your vote!