This story, by the way, is a spin off from my story Rules and Regulations. You don't have to read it. I just got the idea from there. Here's what this story is: We watch the episodes. We react to the characters. I sit down and write sarcastic memos to the characters. I post them on here and pretend in my head that the characters received them. You review and tell me either what you thought of the episode, the memos, or guess who got what memo. I post the answers to who got which next chapter. The answers are pretty easy. And everyone's happy.
There will be a chapter per episode of Season 4. (Season 1 and some season 3 memos can be found in Rules and Regulations.)
Yes. There are spoilers. You know what they say about there being no stupid questions? Lies. Don't ask me that.
And yes. This is supposed to be funny. And a chance for us all to vent.
On with the story, eh?
First, a few things that are not memos that I'd like to get out the way:
ALTERNATE EPISODE (In this section, I will say how the episode COULD have played out.)
Morgana has a man in Camelot. She tells him her plan to kill Morgause, wreak havoc on spirit and mortal worlds alike, have Arthur die fixing it, and take the throne. But Agravaine, who is rather intelligent even if he does favor his brother-in-law's illegitimate child over his sister's only son, has a better idea. Since he is not suspected by anyone, he gets Arthur alone, stabs him, flees the scene, and kills Uther while everyone's freaking out. (Or better yet, gets Arthur alone with Uther and kills them both.) Then he either puts Morgana on the throne or betrays her and takes it himself. (How much you want to bet he does that before this season is up?) Merlin is baffled. Lancelot dies because I hate him. The end.
OVERALL THOUGHTS ON EPISODE (For the things I can't hold in but can't fit in memos.)
I would like everyone to realize that Merlin and Arthur nearly died collecting firewood. Don't they have their reputations to consider?
If you didn't get the above, you need to pay Gwaine more attention.
When did the Isle of the Blessed get a ferry woman? Who the heck is she? That's new!
Isn't it great that the smaller characters got a chance to talk? Like Cook! She was awesome! This whole episode, really, just felt different. In a good way.
How unfair is it that when there is hugging to be done, Arthur hugs on Gwen, but Merlin is stuck with… Gaius? It's a recurring incident. And it's not fair. We must get Merlin a girl…
I was right. The knights are troublemakers. Did you see Gwaine and Percy in the beginning? Oh, yeah.
Old! Mer! Lin! F! T! W!
SLUG-O-METER (Where I rank who needed to be punched in the face this episode, 1-3.)
1, Lancelot. Um, because… I always think he needs to be punched in the face. I hate him. 2, Agravaine. What right has he to be subtly evil, without even Merlin catching on? SHOCKHORROR. 3, Arthur. I love him, but he's an insensitive uncaring prat upon occasion. He doesn't get socked enough.
MORAL OF THIS EPISODE (The deep inner meaning of these episodes.)
It's okay to kill your injured or handicapped sister if you get some really awesome benefits from it… Like life insurance! Or the chance at the throne. Oh, I'm so keeping THAT one in mind...
MEMOS (What you're actually here for.)
ONE ~ Stop. Stop stop stop. Leave. Die. Stop trying to be Merlin's best friend. You are not. You hear me? You are NOT Merlin's best friend! You have no right to save his life so much, or give him a talk, or to rush forward when he faints! That's Arthur's job! Arthur's his BFF! STOP IT! Oh, and not to be that evil little angel on your shoulder or anything, but you realize you could totally kill Arthur on this trip and tell Gwen it wasn't your fault, and get her? Jussayin… Not that you should try that… That wouldn't be honorable. And we all know you are the epitome of honor, O Knight That Keeps Running Away.
But I feel for you on one part. No matter how sweet a guy is or how much he likes you, you should never, ever ask him to protect the other man that you are dating. She just stomped on your heart right there. That's worse than just choosing Arthur over you. That's flat out rejection. And she SAW how happy you looked when she approached you. That's just mean.
Hatefully yours, Kitty O.
TWO ~ You just killed your sister. The one person who cares about you more than anyone in the world… Who cares about you at all; the rest of 'em now think you're a *bleep*. How proud you must be. You could have used that magic to heal her, stupid! But I won't harp on that. Maybe she'll come back. Next thing, you have awesome dreams. I mean, old!Merlin was like… Wow. Or Emyrs as you called him. Maybe now you'll realize that's also Dragoon, think hard, put it all together, and figure Merlin out! Well, I can dream, can't I?
"I can't do this." Oh, quit being a weakling. Be the BA witch I was waiting for! The one with the cool hair style and the awesome dress! You can do this!
Oh, one last thing. Now Emyrs is your "destiny" and your "doom"? Okay, thank you writers and scary woman, for salvaging this sinking ship of shipping-awesomeness! LIVE ON, SHIP!
Sincerely, Kitty O.
THREE ~ Though you weren't as big of a character in this episode (no time for your jokes I guess), which did sadden me, what I saw of you actually was greatness. Like the apple. The apple was hilarious. One of the only funny parts in the episode.
Love, Kitty O.
FOUR ~ Let me give you a quick rundown of 'How to be a Best Friend 101'. One of the most important rules is this: When your best friend has fainted or is otherwise in distress, you do not just roll your eyes. You have to help. You never, ever, EVER leave BFF-usurpers (*cough*LANCELOT*cough) to carry the said best friend away while you GO TO SLEEP. What kind of awful person are you? Worry, man, worry!
But, we saw you cry for the second time in the series. YES! It was so manly and awesome and *squeals like fangirl and dies*. Sorry, I'm back. Sorry. It's so cute and sad. Don't worry; you won't die like you think.
You won't get a chance to sacrifice yourself, either. But it's nice that you keep trying. (And trying and trying and trying! Do you just hate living?)
With affection, Kitty O.
FIVE ~ I'm sorry, give me a moment.
I'm sorry… Did you… did you actually drop your only weapon so you could save three children by effortlessly picking them up and carrying them to safety?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! YOU WOULD BE THE CUTEST DADDY EVER! WILL YOU MARRY ME?
With all the love in the world, your admirer.
SIX ~ Wake up, man! Wake up! Pull yourself together! Come on, where's that strong spirit that managed to take over all of Camelot and nearly wipe out an entire race of magic-users? Okay, so your daughter locked you up and was a jerkette and probably tortured you.
Well, cowboy up, darling, because you are my favorite character and I want. You. Back. Now.
Take Camelot back! Kick your brother-in-law out, yell at your son and arrest somebody innocent. Things will be back to normal in no time! You'll see.
Please? If you wake up, I'll give you a hug. And let you arrest me. It'll be fun! Like old times!
Sadly, Kitty O.
SEVEN ~ Oh, I'm so scared. You are so obviously dead. Let me discard the knowledge that the show is, oh, I don't know, NAMED AFTER YOU. You are dead, I'm sure.
Or at least, I would think that.
But then I saw the preview for next episode, which showed you walking around.
Tell those BBC people they *sure* know how to keep a girl in suspense.
Yours, dripping with sarcasm, Kitty O.
P.S. I still love you and your ears!
NEXT EPISODE PREDICTION (This is self-explanatory.)
I think Arthur will try to sacrifice himself. So will Merlin. But in the end, it's Lancelot who ends up sacrificing himself to save his friends and keep his promise to Guinevere. Thus we get Gwen crying over his funeral pyre. But somehow, he doesn't die, rather just gets enchanted somehow and comes back and tries to kiss Gwen, and then we see how Arthur gets into a fight with him.
And Merlin will get whumped, and I will finally have something to fling back in the face of those reviewers who reference 1.04 and claim that I'm making Merlin out too weak. Argh.
Well, I hope you cracked a smile! Please, tune in next chapter and see the answers as well as next episode's memos.
Last minute thought: I don't like Gwen's hair that way, but I like her makeup and her ability to wave torches in the faces of ghosts. Tell that ghost, Gwennie!