Title: (It Was Okay) Until You Walked Away. (1/1)
Rating (overall): PG-13
Warnings: Bad language. Alcohol.
Word Count: 2,415
Notes: Inspired by the recently shared spoilers for Episode 5.
Summary: It was all okay, or at least it could have been, until Blaine walked away.
"Well, excuse me for trying to be fun and spontaneous!" Blaine bites out harshly, his jaw fixed firmly as his selfish words slip out of him in one long, spiteful slur. Clambering from the car as the words tumble out of him, smacking his head on the way, his judgment clouded by far too much alcohol, a blaze of bitter humiliation and a pool of burning embarrassment. Blaine's upset, so it doesn't come as a surprise to either of them when he coldly shrugs away from Kurt's reaching fingertips. It's even less of a surprise when he inches away from his boyfriend again and again and again.
Kurt's desperately trying to touch him now, he's trying to say something, something important, something like: 'I just wanted it to be perfect, Blaine. It's not that I don't want you, it's that I don't want you like this.' But Blaine is either too drunk or too upset to notice the subtle shift in Kurt's face and the frantic pleading in his eyes.
There is one thing they can agree on, though, even in the heat of the moment, even with their hearts pounding in their chests, and that's the fact that they both know that tonight was never supposed to end like this, tonight was supposed to be about them having fun as a couple. It was supposed to be about them dancing together, in public, without fear of being attacked or abused or hurt. Tonight was supposed to be completely liberating. It was supposed to be something beautiful. Unforgettable, even. It was never meant to be feel so ridiculously heavy; it was never meant to suffocate them both within an inch of their lives.
It's not long before a distraught Kurt has run out of ways to say, 'Please, Blaine, just stop this.' and a confused Blaine has stormed away, his aching feet falling haphazardly against the concrete, as he stumbles off into the distance. His body burning from the hours of dancing and laughing and kissing that proceeded this fallout. Blaine's almost completely out of sight by the time he realises that he can still hear Kurt calling out to him, his feet are heavy and his head is fuzzy as his boyfriend's voice cuts straight through him, "Blaine! Blaine Anderson, you stop right there! Blaine, please! Don't you leave me here!"
But Blaine is far too stubborn to stop, even though his heart twinges at the thought of Kurt standing by his car all night- his fingertips reaching out into emptiness. He's just feeling so embarrassed right now and that alone makes everything else seem so much worse. It gives everything a new, tainted edge. And all he can think about is the fact that he made a very serious pass at his boyfriend tonight, he'd offered Kurt the most intimate, personal part of himself and Kurt had thrown it straight back in his face. He'd asked Blaine to stop in a horribly low voice and Blaine's pretty sure that he's never been so mortified, he's never felt so stupid and that's really saying something. He's performed in theme parks. He's just never felt as utterly ridiculous as he did in that heart-stopping moment- Kurt's zipper halfway down, his hand halfway in his pants, as he whispered, desperately against Blaine's lips, 'No. Blaine. Not like this. Not when you wont remember a thing in the morning."
Blaine flinches at the memory and he's barely turned the corner, his angry footsteps wavering, when his pocket starts vibrating. The soft sound of 'Teenage Dream' mocking him horrifically with it's notions of 'going all the way tonight' and he knows exactly who it is, he knows it's Kurt because that's Kurt's special ring tone but he doesn't answer it, he can't deal with it, not right now, so, instead he pulls his phone out and slams an angry finger down to reject the call. He's been rejected tonight. It's only fair that Kurt is rejected too. It's only fair, he tells himself forcefully... but even he's a little dubious about that because it's not Kurt's fault, is it? It's not Kurt's fault that he doesn't want to lose his virginity, via a drunken fumble with his boyfriend, in the backseat of a car- a car that's parked behind a fucking gay bar. Even Blaine, in his drunken state, can see how that goes against every romantic bone in Kurt flawless body. In fact, when he really thinks about it it's fucking disgusting. It's not disgusting because of the location.. it's disgusting because it's just not them.
Kurt and Blaine don't usually do things like fool around in the back of cars or go to gay bars. Kurt and Blaine make each other romantic dinners and give each other soft, warming massages- bathed in soft candle light. They sing songs together and bake trays of cookies as they laugh about their friends and their days. They enjoy each other's comfortable and familiar company and they take the time to enjoy each other. They don't do things like proposition each other in car parks. Sure, that might work for some people and that might tick all the boxes for couples who live for spontaneity but that's just not them. It's nowhere near compatible with who they are as people or as a couple.
Blaine bites down on his bottom lip. Then his feet stop moving and he's left standing awkwardly on the concrete, his brain slowly kicking back into gear. As a conversation he had with Kurt a couple of months ago starts rushing through his head with the devastation of an unexpected hurricane:
"Blaine?" Kurt had started nervously, pushing his homework aside for a moment as a soft blush bloomed on his cheeks, "When we have sex... do you think... do you think it'll be beautiful?" It was no longer a case of if they had sex but when. Over the summer they'd carefully and lovingly overcome many of Kurt's intimacy issues and they both knew that it was only a matter of time. They both wanted it now. They both wanted somethng more. It just had to feel like the right time.
Blaine had stopped reading when the unexpected question hit his ears, pulling a pen from between his lips and turning to look at Kurt as he said, "Of course it'll be beautiful, Kurt. Let me be very clear about this- I love you and I'm going to try so damn hard to make it absolutely perfect for you. Because I know you will for me. When you're ready, when we're ready, it'll be beautiful." He'd finished sweetly and Kurt had smiled over at him, their eyes searching each other briefly before they turned away and continued with their homework. Both of their heads filled with images of soft sheets and scented candles and a serene quietness and soft moans. I had been wonderful- just imagining it.
Now, though, Blaine looks down at the concrete, down past his scuffed shoes, and he's searching the cracks with wide, worried eyes. Then he looks back over his shoulder and he curses bitterly at the wind. It takes him less than five seconds to spin around and start pounding back down the road, in the direcion he came. Hoping, no, he's outright praying that Kurt hasn't left him. He's praying that his perfect boyfriend is still there waiting for him. Though, he knows he wouldn't blame Kurt for leaving. Not after he walked away like that. Why had he let his emotions take control? Why was he so damn drunk? Why had he let his lust overpower his brain?
We're bigger than all of this, Blaine thinks. Because they are. They're bigger, and far greater, than Ohio and a stupid gay bar and that stupid Warbler who'd been hitting on him all night. They're so much better than all of it. They're so much better.
He's been so stupid. Blaine is practically running now, tears filling his eyes and blinding him as he stumbles over the hill, his eyes search frantically for his boyfriend. His heart only beating again when he realises that Kurt is standing exactly where he left him- but now he looks so compact and so small under the distant yellow-orange glow of a streetlight.
Blaine's heart is practically pounding out of his chest and it's only when he draws closer that he realises Kurt is crying, his shoulders bouncing softly, one of his hands covering his face to hide his distress. The fingers of his free hand stretching outwards- in the general direction Blaine had vanished when he'd ignored Kurt's overwhelming pleas to stay.
Blaine feels sick.
Sick with worry.
Sick with himself.
An uncomfortable lump forms in Blaine's throat, more than big enough to suffocate him, as he walks towards Kurt and hears his boyfriend's tender, repetative whisper, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.' and he wants to vanish through the floor. But he wont do that again, he wont go away. Blaine feels like his heart is trying to fall out of his body as Kurt continues to whisper his robotic apologies into the night. It's then that a horrible, heartbreaking moan slips past Kurt's open lips and a purely instinctive need to help, to do something, shoots through Blaine like a spark of electricity. Jolting him into action.
"Kurt-" Blaine whispers finally, reaching out softly to lace his fingers through those outstretched fingertips of his boyfriend. Kurt's head jerks up in shock and for a moment he just stares and stares at Blaine. His eyes painfully red as he looks at him, heartache written so plainly across Kurt's face that Blaine gasps at it's honesty.
"I'm so sorry, Kurt." Blaine mutters then, his words less than certain as his inebriated brain tries to function. He needs to pull himself together. He needs to stop Kurt from hurting, this isn't how it works, they don't hurt each other. There are enough people in the world determined to cause them pain, they don't treat each other like this.
"Y-you came back?" Kurt whispers softly, though, there's no denying the painful shock in his voice and Blaine decides right then that the uncertainty in his voice is possibly more painful than knowing that the tears running down the soft curve of Kurt's face are his doing. It hurts him because he knows that Kurt had thought the worst- he knows Kurt, he knows him inside out, even when he's intoxicated, he knows that Kurt always finds a way to place blame on himself. But this, whatever it is, these tears, they're all Blaine. He's managed to hurt them both.
"I love you." Blaine mutters quietly in reply, desperately trying to explain himself as the light burns at his eyes, "Of course I came back. You're my everything." He stumbles but that just makes Kurt cry harder.
"I'm so s-sorry." Kurt whispers then, as he sniffles into his shirt sleeve, and Blaine doesn't know what he's sorry about- the tears, the fight or the fact that he pushed Blaine away in the back of the car, but he's convinced that Kurt has nothing to apologise for. This was him. This was all him. He shakeshis head.
"No." Blaine says rather firmly then, or at least as firmly as he can manage as his head pounds, "Don't do that. Don't you start apologising for something that I did. God, Kurt. I'm so sorry. I just.. I'm so drunk right now and you're so beautiful, you're so damn sexy and I wasn't.. I wasn't thinking straight." Blaine's the one pleading now.
"I-it's okay." Kurt mutters quickly and Blaine grabs at his boyfriend's hands, swaying a little as he stares at him through a blurry haze, "No, it's not. It's not okay. I want… I want our first time to be perfect, Kurt. As perfect as you are. I want us to be somewhere safe, I want us to be at home - in private - with a soft bed beneath us and flickering candles around us and those sweet scented oils burning away. I don't.. I don't want to cheapen that experience for you, for us, because… because that means I'm cheapening you too and, Jesus, Kurt, you don't deserve that. You'll never deserve that, not from me.. not from anyone. Okay? Shit, look. Kurt, I'm just so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry… and if I made you feel dirty or if.. if you felt pressured. Oh, God, if you felt pressured. I don't- oh, fuck- I pressured you, Kurt. Shit. You have every right to say no to me, Kurt Hummel. Every fucking right. Always. Okay? I never want to make you feel trapped or… or powerless. I don't want to hurt you. Oh, god, I've screwed up so bad. So fucking bad. Shit. Kurt-" It's then that Kurt tugs on Blaine's hands to grab his attention and, when he does look up, something has changed. The sadness in Kurt's face has shifted. There's something else there now. Something that looks a lot like concern.
"You didn't pressure me, okay? Don't think that you did." Kurt says when Blaine's eyes meet his, the firmness in his voice and his posture steadily returning, "I never felt trapped, not for a single second, and you didn't hurt me, Blaine. Okay? I know you care about me, that you love me, and that you'd always stop if I asked you to. You didn't hurt me, Blaine…. at least… not until you... not until you walked away from me." Kurt's expression falters dramatically.
"Oh, God, I promise you.. I'll never walk away. Never again Kurt. Never." Blaine promises quickly, stumbling over his words as his fingers squeeze Kurt's fiercely.
There's a moment of silence then.
A pause where they both take a soundless moment to understand each other.
Then it's gone.
Kurt pulls a hand away from Blaine and nudges him playfully in the arm, "You couldn't walk away if you tried. You smell like a brewery, sweetheart." Kurt whispers teasingly, a ghost of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
He's almost okay again and Blaine can almost breathe.
"Kurt? Can we just go home, please?" Blaine asks quietly, almost shyly, and Kurt nods once in understanding, tilting his head a little before he opens the door and helps Blaine climb inside.
This time, when Kurt leans across to fasten his boyfriend's seatbelt Blaine doesn't drag him inside, not this time, this time he just leans forward and knocks their heads together before he presses a gentle kiss against Kurt's temple.
"I love you, Kurt." Blaine mutters sincerely, warm against the shell of his boyfriend's ear, and Kurt just smiles in return, leaving a soft kiss in Blaine's unruly hair as he moves away. Whispering into the quietness, "I know you do, sweetheart. I love you, too." Then Kurt's hand moves to cup one of Blaine's cheeks - so he can wipe away the shimmering tear tracks that stain his face. Blaine hadn't even noticed his own tears.
Kurt gives his boyfriend one last lingering look, before he closes the door and whispers into the night, "I couldn't let tonight happen,Blaine, I want you to remember how happy we are together. We both deserve that much."