An all-dialogue one-shot from beyond the pearly gates - featuring James, Sirius, Lily, Remus and Tonks, and appearances from Dumbles and Harry. No Peter, I'm afraid James kicked him out a while back.
"You know, Prongs, your kid hasn't turned out half bad."
"Why thanks, Padfoot. I'd say the same about yours, but even if you had one, all the inbreeding would've done a number on the blighter and the words just wouldn't have been heartfelt."
"I take offense, Prongs."
"I'm glad to hear it. Now, talking of Prongslet, he'd better not turn up here, you know. I'd have to kill him. All he's been through, he can't just die... but I suppose I'd forgive him. I mean, I wouldn't hold it against him, I swear."
"Yes you would, love, and you know it."
"Only for a little bit, Lils! Then I'd be happy he wouldn't have to suffer anymore, and support all his decisions and what else I'm supposed to do. With your guidance and approval, of course."
"You're whipped, Prongs, mate, whipped. Honestly, Evans, if all these years I had know that all I had to do to get Kreacher to obey me was to get him to fall in love with me first, I would've saved myself a lot of time and hassle. And Prongs has been your personal slave since second year! Lucky sod, I'm telling you."
"Thanks for the confidence, Pads."
"Don't mention it."
"You boys... you know, one day, we're going to get some order here. Like, maybe Albus can decide to become a permanent resident, or maybe Remus could die..."
"Hey! We don't want Moony to die! ... Do we want Moony to die? All the pranks..."
"Padfoot, stop! He's our best mate - we can't just wish for him to be dead so we can get a few more than mediocre pranks done in the Afterlife!"
"Yeah, yeah, fine. Sorry, Moony, wherever you are. Keep... living, even if it is with my second-cousin."
"I thought you were happy for them!"
"It's just weird, isn't it? I mean, we used to read her bed time stories, and now Moony's gone and knocked her up. I mean, what if all the infamous Black insanity has got to the poor kid? Speaking of Black insanity, you do realise that somewhere along the way, we're related? Therefore, Prongslet really hasn't turned out so bad, concerning genes and such. Though he's still got the Potter hair and love for red-heads..."
"Hey! That is a family tradition, Padfoot."
"It's a Potter family tradition to fall in love with red-heads? And here I thought the Moste Messed-Up and Evil House of Black had weird habits to pass on."
"You know, I wish we wouldn't keep talking about my son like this."
"Lily, love, it's simply generic to talk about one's offspring's mental health in the Afterlife."
"... Harry is not insane."
"Ah, but the genetics are against him, I'm afraid. He's already got the hair and eyesight, what's a few weekly trips to St. Mungo's gonna change?"
"James Charlus Potter, I forbid you to act so childishly when there are so many lives on the line! We are supposed to feel sombre; we are supposed to be mourning the losses... Fabian and Gideon Prewett just met their nephew, for God's sake! Have a bit of common decency."
"Yeah, we're sorry, Lily. It's just, it's been so long, you know? I miss being down there, fighting for the Greater Good..."
"You're spending too much time with Dumbles if you're saying 'Greater Good', Padfoot. And besides, you went out fighting, didn't you? Alright, you were killed by drapery, but that can be overlooked..."
"I was murdered by my raving lunatic of a cousin!"
"Are we even sure it was Avada Kedavra she cursed you with? It might've just been a harmless Blood Boiling Curse, or something, but then you fell past the spooky veil and the rest, as they say, is curtain history."
"Merlin's spotted underpants; I was not killed by a curtain!"
"Would you prefer cloth? Or maybe, netting? What about just the Mysterious Curtain of Doom?"
"At least I remembered to pick up my wand, you great sod!"
"Hey! It was a moment of panic - I had to protect Lily and Harry! Alright, maybe it wasn't the best idea to leave my wand on the sofa, and maybe I should've thought twice about opening the door when the Dark Tosser was after us, but..."
"Lily! I was in the middle of a rant!"
"It wasn't going very well, sweetheart. You should leave the ranting to me, and I'll leave the pranking to you."
"Does that count as permission?
"Does that even count as a curse any more, Prongs?"
"Well, neither does drat-I-never-could-catch-those-pigeons, Padfoot, but I don't complain about that!"
"That - is a classic."
"Classic my arse! Nobody's ever used it but you, and that's only because you never could catch those pigeons!"
"It is a classic, Prongs and you know it."
"You know, I never knew that somebody's ribs could be crushed in the Afterlife. I could've saved myself years of research..."
"Is that the infamous Moony sarcasm greeting us?"
"Oh, no, I'm completely serious."
"No, I'm completely Sirius. Honestly Moony, you should've learnt your own name by now. When Madam Pomfrey dies, we'll send her in to give you a check over."
"Moony, I am here you know! You saw Padfoot, what? Two years ago? It's been 16 or 17 years, Moony, and yet you run to the mutt first. I'm disappointed."
"Oh, Prongs, you could never be ignored. Even if I tried really, really, hard."
"Remus, thank god. You have no idea how painful the two of them have been since Sirius arrived. I've just been itching for some parental responsibility around here. I was considering letting Albus live here permanently, and bless his soul, I love the man, but that's just the kind of last-resort idea that belongs to these two buffoons."
"Parental responsibility? Please, Moony here masterminded the best and the worst of our pranks!"
"Yes, but unlike you two he has grown up over the years. He has a son."
"Teddy! I left Teddy!"
"Remus, it's okay, Teddy's fine, he has Nymphadora..."
"What is it and people calling me that? Honestly, I'm never letting people have the option of using my name if they win a bet ever again."
"Wotcher, Sirius! Oh Merlin, I'm dead, aren't I? Oh, Remus, I tried, but I had five come at me, I'm so sorry..."
"It's fine, Dora, Teddy still has Andromeda and Harry and everyone. Look how Harry turned out! He's a fine young man, Prongs, he really is."
"You know, Prongs offended my possible offspring."
"... Sirius, no one in their right mind would let you reproduce."
"Well, thanks for that Dora. Who let you give birth to devil-spawn anyway?"
"Padfoot, I'm not sure this is the time or the place to go into how the stork brings the baby to the cradle..."
"Why am I getting the feeling that this is a figurative stork, Moony?"
"Because of your quick-wit and above-mortal intelligence, perhaps, Padfoot?"
"Ah, that must be it."
"Why do I feel like this? I should be terrified, or upset, or something! My husband just died, and then I left my newborn son as an orphan, and here we are making jokes with my second-cousin, and his best friend, and his best friend's wife! Nice to finally meet you again, by the way, James and Lily. It's been far too long; even if I was only about seven when I probably last met you."
"Nice to meet you again too, Tonks. I'm glad you finally made Remus happy again."
"In answer to your question, Dora, we reckon it's either the Afterlife in general - making sure there are no moody guests in Heaven - or a trick of Dumbles' to make sure we all lead happy deaths. Always was an overly cheery bugger."
"Me and Pads call it the Laughterlife."
"Yes, James and I have been here long enough to consider all options. I mean, nobody would really last long sanity-wise if we were exactly the same in death as we were in life, but, forever."
"And why are we here? Why does the place keep... shifting?"
"Well, you get drawn to where one of your loved ones is here. When James came, he met his parents again. I met James, as did Sirius, and then Remus met all of us and you met Remus. It's nature's way of the Muggle school system - if you know somebody in one of the classes, you'll be placed with them for 'comfort and support'. And as to the place shifting, it's turning into where we feel most comfortable. I'm in Godric's Hollow when James and Sirius are at Hogwarts, but both of you still need time to determine your perfect place."
"That... makes sense."
"And the boys' explanation was: we call it the Laughterlife. Honestly."
"I thought it was quite catchy, Lils!"
"I know you did, love, and it's very inventive. I just wish you'd be more productive with your enormous brain."
"... Was that a compliment?"
"I haven't decided yet, James. I'll get back to you on that, promise."
"Do we know what's happening down there? Padfoot, is that old Dumbles at... is that King's Cross Station? Whoever's dying has one heck of a messed up imagination."
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Inappropriate."
"I think I can just see them... round where the Inbetween is. It's funny; he looks familiar... that's... James! THAT'S MY SON! THAT'S HARRY! He's dead James, he's dead! Oh my god, James, my son is dead! Oh, Harry, no! I have to - I have to save him - I have to do something..."
"Lily! Lils, stop. You can't help him. He's with Dumbledore. Albus, Lily, remember? He's in the Inbetween - he's not dead, Lily, he's still alive. Still there."
"I swear, he'd sure as hell better still be alive."
"Not helping, Dora."
"Well, it's true, isn't it? I took a couple of Death Eaters down with me, and he'd better at least take Malfoy."
"Sorry Siri, I babble when I'm nervous. Like, in my Auror training exam, all I did was go on about the different types of hairstyles I could do whilst incognito. It was highly embarrassing. And worse, I get red freckles when I get embarrassed or nervous. Red freckles!"
"I can see that, Dora."
"Lily! Lily, he's leaving! Look, Lily, he's gone! He's safe! Harry's still alive, Lils!"
"Oh, thank god. I hope Albus talked him out of it. Dying, I mean."
"That old coot? He probably was going on about sherbet lemons and metaphors or something. Maybe a few things like "Is anything really real, Prongslet?" and then a few things about Voldemort and wands and Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans and such."
"Padfoot, were you listening in on their conversation by any chance?"
"No, I've just suffered through quite a few of Dumbles' speeches, and let me tell you, never take a Fizzing Whisbee from him. They're man-eaters, I swear."
"Here the Moste Messed-Up and Evil House of Black genes are shown in action. They are almost an extinct race, the insane members of the Black-hearted family, but some still walk free in the wild. If seen, approach cautiously if at all."
"Thanks, Prongs, really."
"No problem, Pads. Now, if you turn to your right you see another trait of inbreeding in the Black family - the temper. It's highly contagious and a highly effective weapon used by these creatures..."
"Would you like to take a walk, Lily, Dora?"
"It would be our pleasure."