The Laughterlife, Chapter 2
An all-dialogue one-shot from beyond the pearly gates - featuring Scared-James, Not-So-Serious-Sirius, Embarrassed-Remus, Dominatrix-Lily, Mysterious-Tonks, Slow-Speaking-Severus, Philosophical-Dumbledore and constant vigilance! No Peter, I'm afraid James kicked him out a while back. The long-awaited second chapter of The Laughterlife, bigger, better and more boisterous than ever!
By our dancing days
"Pumpkin Pasties. Sherbet Lemons. Humdinger Horrors. Cockroach Clusters. Skittles?"
"... Padfoot, what the Snape are you doing?"
"We-ell, I'm in Hogwarts, aren't I, Prongs? I'm trying to get into Dumbles' office, check it out and all. The password is always sweet-and-sugar-related, so... Fizzing Whizbees. Liquorice Wands. Chocolate Frogs. Bertie Botts' Every Flavour Beans."
"Padfoot, for Merlin's sake, this is heaven! Just wish to be in Professor Dumbledore's office!"
"Thanks, Moony! Oh, wow... how ya doing? Oh, it's a portrait... that's glaring at me... definitely a Black! And... Oh, my eyes! My beautiful stormy grey eyes!"
"What is it, Sirius?"
"Lils, it's horrible. Dreadful, even. Terrifying. Unforgivable. Scarring."
"Oh, something juicy, I bet. Let me have a look. I wish to be in Ol' Dumbles' Office. Hey, look at that! What are y - oh, dear Mordred!"
"I... I... I'm speechless. Gobsmacked. Flabbergasted. Wordless. There are no words to describe this. I'm bowled over. "
"Prongs, if you're speechless, why are you talking?"
"Moony, it's... it's the stuff of nightmares. We wouldn't wish this on our worst en - actually, no, we would wish this on Snivellus. Justice, I say, justice! But, anyway, I'm, personally, scarred for life, Moons. It's... it's... it's Dumbledore's underpants!"
"Padfoot, why on heaven are you seeing Professor Dumble... actually, I'm not going to finish this sentence. Just, look away!"
"But, Moony, we can't..."
"Oh dear god, Remus. We're married to idiots."
"Nymphadora is not an idiot... oh, right. Well, I'm not married to Padfoot, thankfully. He'd slobber all over me."
"You know you'd love it, Moony."
"No need to be dramatic, Moony. Padfoot here was just suggesting... are you... are you trying to hang yourself? Dora, I don't think that's - wow, okay. I suppose that's payback for his Nymphadora comment, huh? Oh, god... you're a scary woman when you have black hair, has anyone ever told you that? You kind of resemble that lovely Aunt of yours, you know, the insane one... NO! Oh, dear god, not there! Think of Lily! She'd suffer too, and - Mordred and Morganna, I don't pity Moony right now..."
"Would you like some help there, Dora?"
"Oh, of course, Lily. Any and all assistance is wanted. If you just hold this... no, the other way round, that's it. If you just slice there..."
"This... is entertainment. I can see why heaven let you in, Lily; for us."
"You, Sirius Orion Black, are the stuff of nightmares. Forget Dumbledore's underpants for one precious second, and concentrate. I am the wife of James Potter. I will hang you, revive you, perform the Cruciatus Curse, revive you, and then castrate you. Are we clear?"
"Please! Dear sweet Merlin, I'll take Dumbles' underpants! I'll take that rat's underpants over this! I swear, it's Padfoot's fault, not mine. I'll take Mad Eye's 'I Heart Honeydukes' underpants! Just not Snivellus!"
"If you actually opened your eyes, you would see that Severus, in fact, is not here."
"Is that... so?"
"I said I'd take the underpants!"
"James, darling, I don't think that this has anything to do with us or the state of Alastor Moody's undergarments. Severus, how are you?"
"You bullied my godson! You tortured him and mocked him and humiliated him, all for what? A childhood rivalry? Harry is not James, Snape, and you knew him for seven years. Surely you weren't blinkered enough to miss that. He's more like Lils, if anything."
"You bullied my son, Severus?"
"It was for you, Lily! I kept him safe for you, risked my life to protect his. It was always for you."
"Ahem. Husband; right here?"
"Ah, Potter. I had... ignored your presence in hope it would go away."
"Severus. How are you? I had been under the impression that you had died a while ago; before Dora and I, even. How has the Afterlife been treating you?"
"Laughterlife, Moony, Laughterlife."
"Lupin. What a shame that the final Battle was only a half moon, am I correct? Our side could've used your... talents. Alas; the Afterlife has been treating me well. I was visiting my parents; I don't see yours, anywhere."
"I assure you, if I could've saved more of the casualties, I would have done. I don't believe I've had the opportunity to find my parents yet, Severus, though I am old enough to survive without them."
"Hush, Sirius. Severus, why are you here?"
"You, Lily. I had to... apologise."
"Someone take a picture, or write this down, or something! I cannot miss Snivellus saying sorry."
"Shut it, Black. Severus, there's no... Okay, there's every need to apologise, but we have an eternity to sort things out. This is The Laughterlife, after all."
"... We have to spend an eternity... with Snivellus?"
"Prongs, for Merlin's sake, Severus worked very hard and risked everything for your son. He died and was sent here for your son. Harry, Prongs. We have all died for Harry, so you better show a little respect, do you understand?"
"Good. Now, how and why do you know the state of Alastor Moody's underpants?"
"Now, that's long story..."
"Oh, don't worry, James. Remus, Dora, Severus and I have a whole eternity to listen to it. You'd better get started, don't you think?"
"It all starts the summer of 1979. Padfoot and I are brave young warriors, seeking help for our noble cause... and alas, constant vigilance is engraved on our backsides, and therefore, we follow those words like Rita Skeeter follows a horrendous story."
"So, let me set the scene for you. We were in Auror training, like the good little kiddies we were-"
"Meaning, you were pranking the Prewett brothers in the Prongs, Padfoot and Prewett Prank War, circa 1979?"
"Yes, Moony, meaning we were delving into the inner depths of our minds like good old Trelawney taught us, although there was a distinct absence of any balls, crystal and otherwise, from Prongs-"
"But anyway, we were training in the changing rooms, when Mad Eye walked in, in his 'I Heart Honeydukes' boxer shorts - thank Merlin we never have to ask that question, although if you're interested, Dumbles is a briefs kind of guy - and nothing else, mind you. Prongs and I got the shock of our lives."
"And then, and then..."
"Oh, Merlin, do you remember-!"
"Yes-! And then, Mad Eye's Eye looked straight at us, down at our crotches and he said, "Well, you can't talk. Constant vigilance, you mongrels!" and walked out. Turns out, the Prewett brothers had charmed all of our underwear to flash obscene messages at whoever looks at them and compliment them on their hair!"
"Circe knows old Prongs was glad we found out before he got home to Lils!"
"... and how do you know the briefs were Dumbledore's?"
"Now, Dora that altogether is another matter... one that Moony can help us with, if I'm not mistaken."
"Not like that Dora and I assure you, the tale is far less crude and less exciting than the one of 1979. Prongs, would you like to start the story?"
"Of course, my furry friend. Now, now, don't growl, it's not becoming of a gentleman. It was a cold, dreary night in late November... the stone walls were cold, the Chamber of Secrets lay unopened, and a certain Miss Minerva McGonagall - although we did try to find her a spouse, she turned down all of our suggestions - was furious. The quarter moon was hanging in the sky, the Whomping Willow was having a midnight snack and-"
"Get to the point, Potter."
"Of course, Lily, my dear. We were being marched to Dumbledore's office, at 3:57 in the morning no less, by a Minnie in a dressing gown. Now that is quite a sight."
"Prongs, can I remind you that your murderous, raving lunatic of a wife is standing beside you?"
"No, Padfoot, you may not. Now, where was I? Oh yes, Minnie's dressing gown. It was an eye-catching maroon colour, tartan, and it hung to just below her knees. Now, for an older woman, Minnie's legs have always been quite fetching..."
"JAMES! MUREROUS, RAVING LUNATIC OF A WIFE!"
"I haven't forgotten, Sirius, however much Lily-flower seems adamant on it."
"You know, I'm going to tell the story now, because I don't want to be castrated, which I will for being your accomplice. We were being taken to Dumbledore's office for that great 1976 prank involving the house elves, the Giant Squid, those rather temperamental dungbombs and that rather mouldy cheese in the Slytherin common room."
"Ahh, The Cheery Cheddar Cheese Chess Championship of 1976. I remember it well."
"Indeed. Well, we did knock, but as soon as we got in, Dumbledore came down in his robes - bedazzled, as well - and a breeze came through the window. It blew open the robes and bam! There was Dumbles in his pyjama top and briefs saying Restricted Section on them!"
"Poor Minnie couldn't stop blushing."
"'Shame that her crush was in vain. Our darling Dumbles is as gay as a peacock."
"Isn't Lucius Malfoy's patronus a peacock?"
"That, Dora, is no coincidence."
"You two are absolute... utter... imbeciles."
"And you... talk... very... very... very... slowly as to... annoy... everybody... within... earshot of... your... droning... voice... and Dumbledore... was on... the... Fire... Whiskey... when he let... you... teach... innocent... bored out... of their... minds... students..."
"James! Sirius! Stop!"
"Lily, you're supposed to be on our side!"
"Ah, but Mr Black, aren't we all on the same side?"
"Restricted Section? Really, Dora? Really?"
"Well, it was in my mind, Sirius! And at least I didn't scream like a little girl."
"Why was it in your mind, Dora? Is there something Remus should know? And nobody would blame you if you screamed like Padfoot. You are a girl after all. I think we'd be more worried if you had a masculine scream."
"So sexist, James."
"You're saying it's not true, Lils?"
"Albus, what are you talking about?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about, Remus, my dear boy. We're all on the same side in the end, are we not? I do not see you dead here at the hand of mine and Hogwarts' men, but rather, Voldemort's."
"Apart from you."
"Yes, Sirius, apart from me. But I am dead for my own foolishness and pride, not because of Severus' bloodlust."
"... You sure about that?"
"Of course I am, James. I must say, it's a pleasure to see you again. And also you, of course, Mrs Lily Potter. I distinctly remember saying the same words to you during your charming bet with the boys in... Oh, was it 1977? 1978?"
"Ah, yes! I must say, those sweets were ingenious. As was the notion; to think, pranking me during your detention! Splendid. The things we achieve in the name of love..."
"The following week was the worst week of my... life."
"Sorry about that, Snivellus, we got a bit carried away. Darling Miss Evans couldn't do anything to us, could you, love? Although those spells sent our way the next week were truly inspired... you know, I don't think, through our seven years at Hogwarts, that you ever repeated a hex."
"Of course, not. Couldn't let you think I was going soft, now, could I?"
"Aww, you'll never go soft, Tulip."
"Yeah, 'cause I couldn't get enough of the flower names. Seriously."
"Don't you mean... Siriusly?"
"No. I really don't."
"I must say, you all make me feel at least 100 years younger. It's a lovely feeling. However, I feel that I must be off. It was something about mince pies and Grindledore... oh well, I am positive it'll come back to me in time. Toodlepip!"
"That man is bonkers. Off his rocker. Insane. Loony. Beyond words. Crazy. Off in the deep end. Nuts."
"James, honey, I think we get it."
"Get it? I'm forever scared with an image of Mad Eye's underpants, McGonagall in a tartan dressing gown and Slughorn in a dress!"
"... Dora? Do you want to explain that last one?"
"No. No, I do not, Remus."
"Snape. Pureblood. Fanatic. Murder. Green. Snake. Snake-like. Silver. Greasy. Git. Underwater. Sneaky. Under-handed. Inappropriate. Muggle-Haters-Unite?"
"Padfoot... what on this heaven, Laughterlife, whatever, are you doing?"
"Why, Moony. I'm aiding a noble cause, one that hopefully does not involve anybody's underpants. I'm reaching into dangerous waters, Squid-y seas, dark oceans. Wish me luck. Pride. Power. Prejudiced. Slytherins are mean?"
"Padfoot... what the Snape are you doing and why am I not involved?"
"What... the... Snape?"
"You know; your face is a glimpse into hell. So, not why the hell, but why the Snape. It works."
"James! You are talking to one of my friends!"
"Of that I was not aware. You're actually friends with this greasy git? I thought it was just a ruse... after, you know, he told that prophecy to the person who murdered us? I know, I know, it was a mistake, he's sorry, he's been forgiven for his sins, yada yada yada."
"James. Show a sense of maturity, please."
"As you wish, malady."
"Spiteful. Evil. Eviler? Evilest? Oh sorry. Yes, my dearest Moony?"
"... You're trying to get into the Slytherin common room, aren't you?"
Now, don't those underpants just get the ideas for fanfics spinning in your head? I feel I need to dedicate a one-shot to various undergarments of the teachers, don't you? The Laughtershock, maybe? Give me the word and it'll be your New Year's gift. Snape, I'll even dedicate it to you, if you wish!
This was great fun to write... and read through. Honestly, though, the image of Mad Eye in boxer shorts... well, it's enough to almost put me off Honeydukes, I'll tell you that. Hope you enjoyed a Mrs J. K. Rowling's characters being played with by me. *curtains begin to close*
"Leave a review/PM to request a new chapter!"
So, The Laughtershock, anyone?