Bleach Auction

Characters/Pairings: Various

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Summary: Where you can bid on your favorite Bleach characters!

A/N: Well, uh, this is sort of random. I came up with the idea while I was nuking myself some Sloppy Joes. Weeeird.


"Hello, everybody!" I say, hopping out into the spotlight, and, like the damn klutz I am, nose-diving into the stage. "Okay, this is getting old," I say, and stand up.

"Alright-y, then! I guess you all are wondering just what the hell this thing is. Well, first off, this thing was inspired by my Q&A with Kisuke Urahara, despite the fact that this, overall, has no similarities I can think of, to a Q&A. How it goes is, you all will be given a chance to bid on your beloved characters. However, the downside is, you'll have competition from other characters in the Bleach world that wish to oppose you. Mainly Mayuri."

"I heard that!" Mayuri bellows from the audience. "I WILL have my worthy specimen!" He waves a scalpel about as I twirl the microphone cord around my index finger.

"Yeah, yeah, sit the hell down," I order, and turn back to address the matter at hand. "Now, all the Bleach characters will be given a chance to be bid on, descending by popularity or just by random, if the mood takes me. When it comes down to it, money won't be the thing that buys your beloved character, it will be whatever you can offer. In the end, he or she will choose will choose the bidder he/she goes home with according to whatever proposal sounds best to them. So to all you readers who think of reviewing, do your best to woo or bribe your character of choice. To whomever secures the highest bid, your name will be posted on my profile along with the name of the Bleach character you won. But, alas, don't worry! For those who try, I pwomise I'll give you a pwushie!-" I make a wid-eyed baby face "-Or, if you don't want want a plushie, then I'll jump off a cliff for you!" I smile reassuringly. "Oh! And by the way, when Kaien Shiba's auction comes up...there will be BLOOD." I looked around thirstily for victims. "YOU ALL WILL PERISH!"

Mayuri turns to Nemu. "And I thought I was crazy," he grumbles, fiddling with his scalpel and wishing there were things for him to cut up and dissect.

"Ahem." I cough nervously. "Sorry about that. Moving on..." I wave my hand, and the spotlight moves to a far corner of the stage, where Ichigo is bound to a chair. "Because he is the protagonist of Bleach, Ichigo will start off our auction!" I declare.

"I WILL NOT!" he bellows, and I regret not gagging him. "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" He looks pointedly at the audience, who does nothing to aid him. Rukia jumps up from somewhere in the back, arms flailing about. "DON'T WORRY, ICHIGO! I'LL BID ON YOU!" she assures.

He looks anything but relieved. "I don't want to be bid on! I just wanna get out of here!" he wails, wriggling about violently and causing his chair to tip precariously to the side.

"I'll start off the bidding," I say, and shuffle around in my pockets, "with one dollar!" I bring out a ratty dollar.

"Wow, thanks," Ichigo says sarcastically.

"I'll give up my chappy bunny!" Rukia hollared, lifting said plushy into the air for everyone to see.

Ichigo looked like he wanted to die.

"I offer longevity and a lifetime of bodily analysis and countless intravenous injections!" Mayuri shouted, standing up to his feet. Scattered "boos" and critical remarks were flung his direction almost instantaneously. "SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU!" he snapped.

Ichigo looked horrified. From my viewpoint, he sort of seemed green. "Get me out of here," he squeaked.

"I'll cut him up!" Kenpachi crowed, jumping up from his seat with his sword brandished. The people who were sitting next to him ducked for cover to evade meeting an untimely death with the sharp blade.

"I'll give him candy at the expense of being my eternal employee at the Shoten!" Kisuke announced, lifting his hand up above the crowd.

"H-hat-n'-clogs?" Ichigo spluttered, nearly tilting over onto the floor along with the chair he was bound to.

"What can I say? I couldn't resist!" Kisuke grinned, snapping his fan out and stirring up the air.

"Kenpachi!" Ichigo wailed, having had enough at this point. "How long does that offer of yours go for?"

"ETERNITY!" came the howl.

"ETERNITY? ARE YOU INSANE?"

"YEAH! WHAT WOULD I NEED WITH A STUPID THING LIKE SANITY ANYWAY?"

"Waaaait! Whadda 'bout meeee!" came the squeal.

"Oh, no," Ichigo groaned. "That's not..."

"ITSIIIIIGO!" I look down as a little toddler crawled up onto the stage, wearing a baggy gown and flaunting a cracked Hollow's mask. "Hi, Nel," Ichigo says, sighing.

Nel looks up at me. "I'll give Itsigo my eternal love!" Ichigo loudly toppled over nearby.

"That's nice, kid, but you're gonna have to do better than that," I tell her.

"Well, then, he can come with us to Hueco Mundo and play Eternal Tag with me and Pesche and Dondochakka!"

Everyone began chattering all at once, trying to get their word in. I turn away from them.

"To all you readers, I think now you've got the idea what I meant when I said you have many rivals out there. Have fun competing. Don't be afraid to ask questions." I swivel around and dash over to Ichigo.

"QUIET EVERYBODY!" I scream, and all the noise ceases.

"Now, as you all can see, there is no definite warranty on Ichigo. His condition is what I would consider to be satisfactory. There are no flaws on the merchandise-"

"MERCHANDISE?" Ichigo shrieked.

"-but I fear that dying or bleaching his hair has caused permanent damage."

"I TOLD YOU, IT'S NATURAL!" he yelled.

"For some reason, Tite likes putting in Ichigo in form-fitting clothing, so we're going to assume for the moment that his sexual orientation is gay."

"I...AM NOT...GAAAAY! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?"

"He would be fairly submissive in a relationship," I continue.

"ARE YOU JUST MAKING THIS UP AS YOU GO ALONG?"

"Yeah," I say, and toss the mike elsewhere and stride offstage.

To be continued...

Have fun submitting your bids/offers! To all you readers, I thank you. Do tell me if this seems like a crappy idea. It was sort of a "spur of the moment" type of thing. Some part of me thinks it will be fun, though. :)