I never made it to age twenty-five. I was only eighteen when I died. Now the year is 1986. It isn't what you expect, after death. I don't know what to call it. I guess we all go to one place when we die, and it's all in our mind. I guess. I don't really know. We can look into the past, present, or future on Earth, but I don't have any reason to often.
Sometimes I think about Sirius. He'd be twenty-six now, I think. Of course, he's even worse off than I am, stuck in Azkaban. For a crime he didn't even commit. Most people wouldn't believe me, but I really looked up to Sirius when I was little. He was so cool. Older, smarter, and he didn't give a damn about what anyone else thought. I used to wish I could be like him.
Since I died, I've done a lot of thinking. There isn't much else to do. I've wondered why I wasn't more like him. Why I couldn't stand up for what I believed in until I died. I eventually came to the conclusion that I craved my mother's love and my father's approval too much to ever go against their beliefs. I'd seen Mother put the Cruciatus on Sirius too many times to risk upsetting her. I was a coward. I've seen Mother and Father a few times since arriving here. I generally try to avoid them, though. I don't know if they follow life on Earth. Do they know how I died? Why I was killed? What I was trying to do?
Most of the time I try to just fade into the background around here. It's easy. I just have to close my eyes and imagine that I'm alone. One time an old friend who I ran into asked me why I don't make myself happy. I can do anything, be anyone. I don't want to, though. I deserve to be miserable. I heard about His fall, of course. Even if you try to ignore the world, you can't miss the news of the Boy Who Lived. I know He'll be back. I haven't looked into the future, but I don't have to look to know this is true. He can't be defeated that easily.
Sometimes I think about Severus. Is he proud of me? Does he understand why I did what I did? Is he trying to finish my mission? I know it broke his heart when Potter married that Evans girl. I wish I could have been there to comfort him. I know I said I try not to look at Earth too often, but with Severus, it's so hard not to follow him in my mind every second. I used to watch his life for hours sometimes, trying to see if he ever thought about me. After a year or two, though I realized I couldn't go on like that. Now I just peek in once or twice a week. Just to make sure he's okay. I wanted so badly to help him when he saw Evans dead. I can't even think about that. It hurts.
I was born twenty-five years ago. I died seven years ago.