Story Summary: Jacob Black and Edward Cullen had dated secretly for two years. Now at the age of 21 Jacob Black comes out… What happens when Jacob can't handle his father's rejection and leaves Edward to deal with his own pain. Will a certain blonde man be able to pull Edward out of his darkened hole? WARNING: suicide, death, drinking… You have been warned. But if you can hold on, there will be some sort of a HEA.
He put the bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
He finally drank away the memory
Life is short
But this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
He found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that says "I'll love you till I die"
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby…
-Brad Paisley 'Whiskey Lullaby'
It's been two days since I came out to my father.
Two days since the man, my father and only parent I have left, disowned me.
Two days since I was kicked out of the house.
And two days since I moved in with my boyfriend of almost two years.
"You are no son of mine." My father's voice still rang in my head from our conversation, our last conversation, that was two days ago.
I ignored the voice in my head as I took another swig of the whiskey I had snatched from Edwards stash.
The 750 milliliter bottle was just under half full. I smile softly to myself as I stand and sway from the alcohol I had already consumed. I remember the bottle having been full and unopened…
I made my way to our room and sat on the bed as I drank a little more of the horrible tasting drink. I really couldn't understand why Edward liked it so much, but at least it was starting to make my memories a little fuzzy.
"I have no son, get out, my son is dead you hear me, dead!" My father had yelled at me as I ran from the house, the place that had been my home for years.
Through the haze of the whiskey I pulled out my new fully loaded handgun. It had been the 21st birthday gift I bought for myself only five days ago.
I don't remember making any sort of decision, as I wrote my goodbye note to my love, and pulled the trigger.
The pain was unbelievable as I slowly took my last breaths, I distinctively heard the whiskey bottle fall to the ground and shatter before darkness enclosed around me and Jacob Black age 21 was dead.
I practically skipped as I left the law firm that I was interning for. It was finally the weekend and Jacob and I would be going out as to celebrate his birthday with all of our friends.
He had come out, I was so proud of him and even though his father disowned him I'm positive he'll be ok, he still has me and all of our friends have said they support him and us.
Jacob was just a kid to me when I had first met him, but he had soon taken hold of my heart and two years ago I fell hard and we took our friendship to a new more intimate relationship.
At the age of 25 I knew I had met my soul mate and there was no way I would let him go, ever.
All the lights in the house were on as I stepped inside my small one bedroom apartment.
"Jacob, I'm home." I yell out, noticing I was running ten minutes late.
Deathly silence was all I heard as I attempted to stay calm as I walked towards our room, the only darkened room in the house.
"Jacob?" I say as I turn on the light, not ready to see the sight as I take in my boyfriend, my best friend, and my heart and soul, laying on the bed, face down in the pillows and fresh blood flowing from his head.
"NO JACOB!" I shout as tears pool in my eyes and I frantically pull out my cell phone and call 911.
I stayed by his side as the paramedics arrive and announce him dead. My love, my heart, and soul, was gone. He was carried out and away from me in a body bag.
A white piece of paper flutters to the floor as I jump off the bed and punch a hole in the wall.
Slowly I bent down to pick up the paper, knowing it was from Jacob, his last words.
"I'll love you till I die"
That's when my tears started and I crumpled to the floor, too exhausted to keep standing as I let my pain encompass me.
I wasn't able to explain to the police what had happened, and was thankful for my parent's quick arrival to the apartment where they helped me and gave the police the information in order to reach me another day.
The investigation for what happened lasted five days. On the fifth day the police wrote it off as a suicide and we were free to plan his funeral.
Just a Dream
Baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I cant even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance, standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream…
-Carrie Underwood 'Just a Dream'
I watched as they lowered Jacob's coffin into the snow. He's been gone for eight days; I've been numb since waking that next day. Unable to deal with the pain I would have felt.
I am still numb, almost believing that this was some sort of a dream. I remember holding Jacob to my chest as he cried from his father's rejection only days ago. I remember him telling me he'll be alright because he has me. I remember believing he would be alright.
How could I have not known what was going on?
That night after Jacob came out was one of the best and worst. I felt free and able to be gay and proud. But I felt sorry for the pain I knew Jacob was feeling from his father's rejection.
I could have never guessed he would be one of those that would go to that extreme, someone that would commit suicide.
"I'm so sorry for your loss Edward." A nameless face said, it was the fiftieth one today and I just wanted to be left alone. Billy Black had thankfully not come; Bella had said her father an old time friend of Billy's told him. Truthfully I knew I would have yelled at the man had he shown up.
I was soon alone as everyone else scrambled to get inside the warm room where they were serving food and was meant for all of us to mingle together, but I couldn't leave, I just stared at the spot where my heart now lay with Jacob.
Help Me Make It Through The Night
Come and lay down by my side And it's sad to be alone
Til the early mornin' light
Help me make it through the night…
And it's sad to be alone
-Sammie Smith 'Help me Make It Through The Night'
I lay in bed alone. My parents had bought me a new bed and my entire room had been cleaned from all the evidence. I had stayed with my parents since the night of Jacob's death, but now tonight I needed to be in my own bed. I needed to cry alone tonight.
"Hello love." I Jacob's voice say, as his arms wrap around me, and he pulls me to his chest.
"Jacob?" I question, turning in his grasp in order to look at him. "Are you really here?" my question comes out as a whisper, and I hold my breath for the answer.
"Yes and no, I'm here." His hand rest over my heart as I continue to stare at him. "I'm in your heart and in your head. But I'm also here to help you make it through the night. You're strong enough to do this."
I fell asleep that night and many nights after dreaming of being in Jacob's arms.
A Picture of Me (Without You)
Have you walked in a garden where nothing was growing
Or stood by a river where nothing was flowing
If you've seen a red rose unkissed by the dew
Then you've seen a picture of me without you
Can you picture heaven with no angels singing
Or a quiet Sunday morning with no church bells ringing
Then you've seen a picture of me without you…
-George Jones 'A Picture of Me (Without You)'
I stayed in bed with my imaginary Jacob for days and then the days turned into weeks.
"Jacob, when I finally did get out of bed I couldn't help but to notice all the pictures of the two of us. We were smiling or laughing, and happy. Never again will we go camping like we did a year ago. Never again will we dance at a gay club in the city, like we did for our third date. Never again will I get to hold you, or make love to you. Never again will I be whole, for now I am alive but not actually living; I'm alone, for you're not here with me." I say to the empty apartment as I pulled each picture off the wall and throw them onto a chair, not caring that some of the frames crack on impact, unable to keep looking at them. I left one picture untouched. The newest to our collection, it was the two of us hugging the night before Jacob came out to his father.
I missed Jacob, but I also knew I couldn't follow him to death. I couldn't bring myself to end my life, but that didn't stop me from closing myself off from the world.
Tonight I Wanna Cry But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain Would it help if I turned a sad song on
Alone in this house again tonight
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's goanna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hiding this way,
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
Would it help if I turned a sad song on
Tonight I wanna cry…
-Keith Urban 'Tonight I Wanna Cry'
It's been two months; my friends have all gotten tired of my constant moping and refusal to do anything they have stopped even bothering with me anymore.
It had taken me only an hour to empty my fridge of beer, and it still wasn't enough. I was all out of anything to drink to help with the pain.
I walked alone to a small bar that stood on a corner.
I ignored the stares and the music of the club as I walked up to the bar and waited to get the bartenders attention.
"What can I get you?" A man only a few years older than me asks as he studies me.
"Whiskey." I say sharply, glad that a minute later he complies and I have a fresh drink in my hand and downed in record time.
It was getting late. I wasn't sure what number drink I had just finished off as my world spun.
"NO, you are not driving home in your condition." The bartender man said when I tried to leave.
"Not drive. Walked." I mumbled as I looked around the room, wondering where the exit is.
"Well you're in no condition to walk." The man said as he led me upstairs and to a bed. I was too exhausted to fight him as I was lead to a bed and laid down. Letting my tears fall, as darkness over took me…..
My head hurts.
That was the first thing I noticed before opening my eyes. The next thing I noticed was I was not in my own bed, even though I was alone and still clothed.
"So I see you're awake." A voice says just as I open my eyes. "Here drink this; I'm sure your head hurts from last night."
The man was decent looking enough, I guess… If you are into the blonde hair, blue eyed type that is.
"I'm Jasper, you were pretty wrecked last night, brought you up here to sleep it off." Jasper said, before the room goes silent.
"Um, Edward, I'm Edward… Um thanks for last night. I should go."
As I stand and head for the bedroom door Jasper follows me, and leads me out of his apartment and down the stairs and back out of the bar.
"Edward, whatever it is you are trying to drink away. Maybe it would be better to hold onto it." Those were the last words he said before the door closed and I heard the lock before I walked back to my empty apartment full of memories of Jacob and I.
Two nights later, and for weeks after that I return to the bar, Jasper's there night after night. And it is that second visit that I learn he is 29 years old and the owner of the bar. We don't talk much, when I come in. But every night he asks who it was that stole my heart and every night I promise to tell him later.
It's been nine months, and the bar was closing, yet I couldn't make myself leave.
"His name was Jacob, and about nine months ago he came out to his dad and when his dad rejected him, well Jacob just couldn't handle it, he killed himself. I was the one to find him." A tear slowly makes it way down my cheek before I quickly stand and run out, murmuring something about not being able to do this.
It takes me five nights to go back into that bar and when Jasper sees me I can tell he's been worried about me. But he doesn't say it as he sets my drink down before me.
"Thanks Jasper." I say as he goes to walk away. It's the first time I've called him by his name and when he turned and smiled at me, there were butterflies in my stomach. Feelings I hadn't felt in a while, and was not yet ready to feel again.
Holes In the Floor of Heaven
But there's holes in the floor of heaven
And his tears are pouring down
That's how I know he's watching
And sometimes when I'm lonely
I remember he can see,
There's holes in the floor of heaven
And he's, watching over me…
-Steve Wariner 'Holes In the Floor of Heaven'
"It's been a whole year." I say to the grave stone that had Jacob Black's name carved into it, with Beloved underneath it. "My Jacob I love you, I always will but I have to start letting go now. You can't hold me anymore nights as I sleep. I can't keep drinking the pain you've caused away."
As I spoke I let the rain soak me, chilling me as I said my last goodbyes to Jacob, my first but maybe not only true love.
"How did it go?" Jasper asks as I step back into his warm car.
"I think he'll still watch over me. But he'll also understand that I must move on." As we drove off I couldn't help but stare at Jasper, my closest friend, and maybe one day when I am ready something more.
AN: There is help out there THE SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE is 1-800-273-8255, this number will take the caller to his/hers local crisis line... It is never too late to get help.