Because He's Beautiful

It's because he's beautiful - sinfully so - that I hate him.

Everything about him, from that chestnut-colored hair down to those neatly-polished boots he wears, sets me off whenever I see him.

That damned Prussian got to him first, and I swear to God, if he doesn't treat Roderich like a fucking king, he'll be losing his balls in the most painful way I can think up.

Lilli says I'm overreacting, and maybe that's because I only told her that I missed him as a friend. That's a bald-faced lie: The only one I've ever told my little sister. I can't say it's the only lie I'll ever tell her, because I know there will be a day when she comes up to me and asks me what love is, or how you recognize it. When that day does come, I've already planned out exactly what I'd say to her: Love is when you're not afraid to hold hands in public, and you don't give a damn what anyone else thinks about it. Love is when you care, with every fiber of your being, about that person's safety, satisfaction, health, and opinions. Love is when you sacrifice everything for that one man or woman that holds your heart.

The lie comes when I tell her that I've never loved anyone in a romantic sense before.

I won't tell her that love is when you think about that person all the time, and you know the exact amount of days that have passed since the last time you've talked to them. The last time I talked to Roderich in a friendly manner was the day before we broke each other's hearts. That was six-hundred and ninety-five years ago, when the Battle of Morgarten ended on November sixteenth. I'd won that war, but it sure as hell wasn't worth the man I lost. And, even though I say I do, I don't hate him. Never have, never will.

I never want Lilli to go through the same things I did, but I just can't tell her everything about how Roderich and I separated...about how I ruined the best friendship of my life with one stupid war... She might think I was cruel, or stupid, or brash. Then again, I suppose I was.

Love is supposed to be when you don't need to keep it from anyone because you mean it, and no matter if the one you love can't stand you or doesn't care one way or another, you're not afraid to tell them how you feel.

Then I guess I don't love him; I never told him anything. I'm a hypocrite, but I truly do want my sister to know that she should never keep her feelings a secret, because if she does, she'll become a shadow of all my past mistakes.

And the world wonders why I'm considered neutral now. I roped myself off from everyone else so I'd never hurt anyone - or myself - again. One war, and I lost the man I'd loved for centuries. One war, and I corrupted the very beauty I've always admired.

He's forgiven me since then, which I'm grateful for, because I can't even forgive myself. If it weren't for his benevolence... I don't know what I'd do. Everyone believes I am strong because I broke ties with Roderich, but I am only strong because of Roderich.

So, I've felt the same way for God knows how long. I've always said the same thing to myself, and I've never doubted any of it for a moment.

It's because he's beautiful - sinfully so - that I hate him.

It's because of everything else that I love him.