I could go on and on about uni being busy and life but no one cares and you're all busy too so I doubt you noticed my absence much anyway! But basically I've been busy yes and the episode (On My Way) hit me pretty hard. I've only just been able to write about it.
This is a little different than usual. Instead of a missing bit I'm sort of imagining what would have happened if Blaine had spoken up instead of Mr Schue. I'm not trying to dismiss Schue's storyline in any way, shape or form. It's just my blangsty head canon going off on a mad one as usual.
Trigger warning: suicide, self harm and depression.
I don't own Glee. Happy hiatus!
Chapter 24 – I Did
"Look Mr Schue, I know we're all a little dramatic sometimes but I don't think any of us would ever considering taking our own life." Mercedes looked around the circle to search for agreement. Blaine looked up and saw Kurt watching him with gentle, loving eyes. His mouth moved before his brain.
"I did." The words fell out of Blaine's lips before he could decide whether he really wanted to bare his full self. There was only one person in the world, besides his old therapist, who knew everything about him, the good, the bad, the ugly, everything. And he was sitting in this circle, watching him with sensitive, supportive eyes.
Blaine looked to him now, and Kurt smiled encouragingly. The smile was sad, but also comforting, and it gave Blaine the strength to face the group of people circled around him.
"Blaine..?" Quinn choked out, her voice shocked and shaky, and Blaine nodded. He felt a comforting hand on his left arm and out of the corner of his eye he saw Artie's hand, gentle and supportive.
"Really?" Rachel said quietly, almost whispering the next word. "Suicide?"
"Yes." Blaine replied, wringing his hands together before glancing up from them again. He fingered his wrists gently. The scarring wasn't visible, not anymore, but if he felt hard he could feel the raised ridges of where he'd slashed them over and over with the pair of scissors he kept on his night stand. There was silence as everyone waited respectfully for him to carry on. He didn't think he'd ever heard the glee club so quiet.
"When I was thirteen I was forced out. My school was homophobic, but my best friend at the time found my diary. I wrote in it that I thought I was gay. He read it out to the entire class." Blaine's voice shook as he spoke. "I lost all my friends that day. Every single one. They all turned into my bullies." Blaine glanced up and saw Kurt staring. Kurt knew all this, knew every detail, every word they'd yelled at him, had felt every scar they'd given him.
"They pushed and shoved and taunted me until I was nearly fifteen. I...I was down. Everything hurt all the time and I had no one to talk to because I was scared my parents wouldn't accept me. Then..." Blaine's voice lowered. "There was this dance. I went with a guy and...we got the living shit kicked out of us." He broke down and began to sob bitterly, his face buried in his hands, his whole body shaking.
Not five seconds later he felt arms on him, strong, soft and comforting. And a smell he knew better than he knew his own smell.
Kurt was cradling him and rubbing circles on his back and whispering soft, soothing noises into his curls and then into his hot ear and Blaine leaned into the comfort, and everything was still and quiet as they waited for Blaine to contain himself.
"Sssh, it's alright baby. You're safe now. Ssssh. I love you, Blaine."
Once he'd stopped crying looked up and began to speak again. Kurt shifted away a little, but kept one protective arm around his waist.
"They kicked and punched us. For what felt like hours." Blaine whispered dryly. "Then they left us. It was snowing. We had to lie there in that alley for three hours before anyone found us and got help." Blaine saw several of the glee club members flinch, and Mike looked close to tears, his arm around Tina's shoulders.
"I got to hospital and was treated for hypothermia, concussion, a broken collarbone and ribs. I was in there for a couple of weeks." He took a deep breath. This was the hard bit. "When I got out, I had to stay off school for three months while I healed. During this time I got depressed. I began to cut myself. Sometimes for hours every night. It felt...it felt so good. I'd watch this blood drip down my arms and thighs and sometimes stomach and I'd feel this pain and it felt good. Controlled. They'd broken my ribs and my collarbone and my spirit but this? This was something I could do.
"I felt miserable every second of the day. I didn't see any light in the future. All I saw was more bullying, more harassment, more trouble. More broken bones. I didn't think anyone would ever love me. I didn't have any friends, and my father had begun to avoid me due to my sexuality. The loneliness. It was eating me from the inside." Blaine wiped a few tears away and shuffled closer to Kurt.
"Two of the boys who attacked us got sent to juvie but one got off with a warning because his dad was a lawyer. I found that out when I'd already started cutting. I got...incredibly anxious and stressed. I stopped sleeping because of the nightmares, I stopped being able to keep food down. I stopped singing. I barely said two words from one day to the next. I stopped existing. I felt like there was nothing in my life of any value, and never would be. They made me feel worthless. I realised I could end it all. I'd been cutting for months but there was a more permanent way, a final way to be in control.
"I didn't write notes. I didn't do anything like that. I just walked into the bathroom and took as many pills as I could." Blaine squeezed Kurt's hand so hard he knew it was hurting a little but he couldn't help it. These memories weren't easy ones to recall my any standards.
"I remember looking in the mirror just before I passed out and feeling relieved. I wouldn't have to see my own face again, I wouldn't have to deal with the fear and the loneliness and the pain. It would be gone." Blaine swallowed. "I woke up in hospital two days later."
"What happened? Who found you?" Tina asked gently, looking like she wanted to hug Blaine and never let go.
"My brother, Cooper. He came home early for a visit." Blaine replied, and beside him he heard Kurt whisper thickly thankfully.
He smiled softly, before continuing.
"He called the ambulance and sat with me until I woke up." Blaine said, leaning his head against Kurt's just slightly.
"At first I was angry. I wasn't supposed to be alive! This wasn't supposed to happen. I was kept on suicide watch for about four days until they let me go home. Then I had therapy twice a week, then once a week, then once a month, then it stopped. I started to get better. It was such a slow process. Some days were horrible and I wanted to do it again, and I wanted to cut so badly sometimes I'd physically sit on my hands. I'd box or run or sleep or brush my teeth over and over to avoid cutting. I don't get the urges anymore, or barely ever. I'm better, so much better. I can see my future now. It's so bright. I never saw that before. I didn't realise I could have wonderful things, I could have a brilliant life. I never knew that was possible.
"It was really hard, don't get me wrong. Therapy helped me a lot, and so did transferring to Dalton. Suddenly I was in this place where nobody judged me." Blaine shifted and glanced at the group. "Then I met Kurt."
"And he helped you?" Puck asked, his voice soft, a small smile on his lips. Blaine couldn't help smiling back.
"He saved me, Puck. In so many ways he'll never even know. I had my last therapy session four days before I met him." Blaine turned a little so he was facing Kurt, their hands linked.
"Kurt. I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone and you, for some crazy reason, love me too. You know me inside out, the bad things and the good and you love me. You've given me hope I thought I'd never have, light when there's only darkness. I just...thank you. Because before I met you, even when I was recovering there was still a bit of the fifteen year old boy inside me, crying in the corner of his room feeling like nothing good would ever happen to him. He's gone now, and it's because of you." Blaine said thickly, his eyes glistening with tears.
Tears were actually already slipping down Kurt's face as he reached over and touched his hand to Blaine's cheek softly.
He tried to speak but no words came out, just a choked sob.
"I know." Blaine murmured, leaning close to hold Kurt. "I know."
After a little while, they pulled apart.
"Thank you for listening to me." Blaine said slowly, his eyes dry. He felt a little lighter now they knew. "It's hard to talk about. But you're my...my family now. I love you all and I hope you know that, because you mean the whole world to me."
It took about ten seconds for them all to absorb that before they all crowded onto Blaine and Kurt in a group hug as only New Directions really can.