It's a lucky thing I have no respect for myself as an author, or I wouldn't be posting this, particularly not nearly a year after having actually finished watching Lost.

So a few days ago, I finished watching this show all my friends, family, strangers met at the bus stop, hallucinating drunken homeless people and escaped mental patients were telling me about. Using my awesome powers of Netflix-Fu, I obtained and watched the DVDs over the course of some months. Man, what a show. Mystery and intrigue and dark secrets being handed out in spades. And an informative show, as well. Here are some things I learned upon watching it.

-Electromagnetism = Magic.

-Scotsmen are immune to electromagnetism, and are therefore immune to magic. So if you're ever in a fight with a wizard, get yourself a Scotsman.

-Polar bears, creatures with black skin and clear fur with the propensity to have algae grow like crazy in it, are perfectly white when introduced to the jungle.

-When planes crash, only sexy people make it out alive.

-If you aren't sexy and are in a plane crash, you better at least have some magical powers.

-When submarines explode, only minorities don't make it out alive. Because God is a racist. A filthy, hateful racist.

-And speaking of god, he's a real jerk on this show, what with all his cryptic nonsense and walking around being invisible. No wonder he got stabbed.

-And his twin brother the devil just wants to go home and deal with his mommy issues. Aww.

-And speaking of parent issues, if you want to survive for any respectable amount of time, you damn well better have some.

-Islands have a big plug in the middle of them. If you pull this plug out, the island will sink.

-Tropical, supposedly uninhabited islands, have no wildlife unless it can be used for food, shock, or plot. If you happen to crash on one, don't expect to die of a snake bite or even be annoyed by mosquito bites.

-Islands also cure things like cancer, paralysis, infertility and amnesia. If you have a chronic health problem of any kind, for god's sake find yourself an island.

-Benjamin Linus is most definitely telling the truth, as he is the most honest and up-front fella you will ever meet. You should definitely trust him.

-John Locke really needs a hug. Just…Jesus Christ.

-And speaking of our good friend Mr. Christ, I'm sure he's secretly someone in this show. Come on, he has to be. I just don't know who. You could make a fair argument for just about anybody. I bet it was Walt. What was Walt's deal, anyway?

Things I Didn't Learn From Watching Lost

-What Walt's deal was, anyway.