"Will you quit that racket! It's four in the morning!"
"But Sheriff, you know we've gotta get in all the practice we can get. The choir-"
"The choir can handle waiting until the sun is up! Get home and rest your voices if it's that important!"
Sheriff Silver Star watched the Appleloosan Young Ungulates Performers, or A-YUP for short, head on home. Bless those colts and young buffalo, but a body doesn't need to be woken up with that hawk screech they call singing. Still, Justice never sleeps, so I'm rested enough. Let's see about some breakfast.
Lighting a candle, the Sheriff checked the armory a.k.a the kitchen. Several barrels of apples lined the wall, with bags of floor, some eggs, and other pie ingredients at the ready should he need to reload. He had set out some pies to cool last night, and one would make a mighty fine meal. Or would have, if not for the fact all that remained was a few empty pie tins and a load of crumbs.
Silver Star nickered in professional rage. Some foal stole from the wrong lawpony! When I get my hooves on them... wait.. there's a note attached to this half eaten slice. Well, soon to be completely eaten, waste not... Munching his meager meal, Star looked it over. The paper was greasy, and the ink smudged from the filling but it was still legible.
"Dear Sheriff Silver Star, If you know what's best... I need some milk... for you, get outta town. No pony is going to keep us from what we want, and we want all the apples from the orchard. But if you want to be ran out instead, we'd be happy to oblige. We own this town now. Signed, Buck Cassidy and the Sundance Colt!"
The Sheriff turned to the Wanted! Wall where all the posters of the criminals out in the Mild West. There they were, the two most wanted ponies, each with a bounty of Five Thousand Bits. They were a pair of young Unicorns, who robbed storehouses and trains for the feed and would hold the food ransom for money.
"No way I've ever leaving this town behind!"
Suddenly, an orange splattered on the images of the two. A voice yelled from outside the Sheriff's office.
"I hope you're educated Sheriff, because I'd hate to have to read it for you what the note said. Now, what's your answer? The bosses don't like waiting long..."
A trio of unicorns stood outside. Must be some of their posse. Well, let's just see how they like Appleloosan Law! Grabbing some apples, the Sheriff kicked open the door, jumping out and to the side to dodge the thrown produce. Quick as lightning, Silver Star bucked three apples. One impaled itself onto the horn of the talkative one, bowling him over and knocking him senseless.
The other two hesitated as he took the fourth and final one, shining it on his vest before almost putting it to his lips. They chuckled, thinking he was just enjoying a last bite before the citrus counterattack. The Lawpony just smirked.
"Hey, is that a pegasus in a showfilly outfit flying overhead?"
Looking up, the other two apples finally fell from the high shot he'd given them, hitting the two gawking ponies right between the eyes. The Sheriff took a bit of the apple.
"As tasty as the apples I give the prisoners are, I bet you boys will be wanting the sweet taste of freedom. Shoulda lived the straight and narrow."
Hefting the dead weights, he tossed them in a cell once he put the anti-magic restraints on their horns. Taking a map out of his desk, Silver Star looked over the known caves and hide-aways near town. Then a thought struck him. He grabbed a bottle of Granny Smith's Scumble, a gift from Breaburn. Pouring a glass, he sat waiting in front of the unicorns until they stirred.
He sipped the clear liquor, letting them watch his throat bulge with each swallow. They watched in silence, just licking their lips, mouths suddenly feeling very dry. The Sheriff drained the glass, to moans of agony. They gave a sigh of relief when he pulled out the bottle to refill. He gave a look of mock surprise. He held the glass just out of reach of their lips.
"You boys want a swaller? It's mighty high proof. I wouldn't think a lot of colts like you could handle it."
They kissed at the cup, trying to suck away a few drops. He set it down out of reach.
"Tell you what, you boys can have a drink once you tell me where those two yella bellied spineless extortionists you call Boss are."
One yelled before the other could silence him.
"They're at the Salt Lick Saloon, staying in room 2b! Now gimme that bottle!"
The Sheriff snorted and set a bucket of water down in front of the cell.
"Prisoners get water and raw apples in my cells. I said you could have a drink, not you could get drunk. There's your liquid refreshment."
Silver Star resupplied himself and stepped out into the street. Life was going on normally, o so it would seem. But everypony who saw the Sheriff gave an unusually formal good mornings. Heh, well, nice to see they can respect a stallion of Order out about his duty.
Stepping into the Salt Lick, a mareiachi band played a jaunty tune, though the looks on the musicians themselves were anything but merry. They gave a pained look at the Sheriff, nodding meaningly at a table in the corner. A poker game was going on, and the two unicorn players were deep in concentration. A third tickled one, and broke his focus.
The next instant, the iron of the poker was wrapped around his horn. Slamming his hooves down, he glared at the duo.
"Cheaters! I ain't givin' you mah bit-"
A flurry of cherries pelted the loser, and he collapsed in a pulpy heap. The duo high-hooved and began to split the coins. One looked at the surrounding patrons.
"What are you lot lookin' at?"
At that point everypony became very interested in their drinks. They chuckled to themselves until an apple scattered the ill gotten funds. One stood upright in a furry, the grey and blue maned unicorn known as Buck Cassidy.
"Who's the soon to be dead pony?"
Another apple whizzed just past his horn.
"The only thing here dead is your hopes for causing a disturbance in my Appleloosa!"
The pair of unicorns stared open jawed at the sole law enforcer of the settler town. The grit their teeth.
"So, you want to do this the hard way, do you Lawpony? Fine by us. But let's do it like gentlecolts. High Noon, right in the middle of town so everypony can see us beat you to a pulp, with pulp."
"We'll see. And you better wipe your horn. Apple juice is mighty sticky once it dries."
The unicorn snorted and grabbed a napkin. Silver Star chuckled darkly and left. It was an hour until noon, and he had a plan. I'm gonna make an example out of those two, so no thieving scum ever comes around these parts again.
We can win, we can win...
"What the hay do you boys think you're doing! There's going to be a buck-out between the Sheriff and those two hooligans any minute now!"
"But Meemaw, we need the practice..."
"No buts! I took a paddle to your Pappy's backside when he back-talked, and by Celestia's grace, I'll do the same to you if the next words out of your mouth aren't "Yes ma'am"! And tell your friends to come help me with cleaning if you're all so eager to spend the afternoon together!"
"Yes ma'am... come on guys..."
The unicorns had their ammunition hovering at their sides as they stepped into the dry, dusty street that went straight through the middle of town. They walked in unison until they came upon the sleeping form of the Sheriff, leaning against the side of the general store. A bit of cherry juice splashing onto his cheek woke him up. He nodded sleepily at the pair.
"Oh, hello there boys. Didn't expect you to be stupid enough to do it."
They looked at the moustachioed stallion like he was sipping the scumble still.
"The hay you talking about you old coot?"
"To fall for this trap."
Kicking a plank away, an entire section of the wall fell out, and an avalanche of apples buried the two outlaws. The had time for one quick yell before they were drowned out. The sheriff took off his hat and bowed his head. The shop owner stepped outside coughing.
"Sheriff, they're still alive, I can hear them mumbling under there."
"I'm paying my respects to your wall, as it served Justice well. Now help me get them out and into the cells."
"I told you I'd take the paddle to you!"
Just finished watching the entire Dollars trilogy. Forgive this bit of silly Western fun.