A/N: Walking home one day this li'l thing suddenly hit me. ^^ No offense to anyone or anything. XD
DISCLAIMER: I don't own a boy or girl and I don't want to. XD I wanna be myself, and that's the only thing I own of this fic. Naoko Takeuchi owns amazing Sailor Moon and the lovable characters.
If I Were A Boy: Then I Wouldn't Be Me, Eh?
There were times that I swore I wasn't worth anything, and more so when I hadn't met you and Usagi.
I was so hung over and 'crazy' over trying to find myself, prove that I was worth something in a fight when gang-crazy kids decided to test their 'maleness' by beating up a tall freak like me. Yes, I was tall and blood-thirsty back then, and I still am now. But that lonely ache had hurt back then, hurt so bad whenever I came home and my apartment reminded me of just how much I was to be never near anyone, anybody.
Should I change myself?
I'd asked myself that over and over, time and time again.
Even Time couldn't heal me, help me, harness me the power I needed to overcome my weakness, to stop facing my worst nightmares and come away scarred. There had been countless beatings, wildfire rumors about how I was, and it was amazing, miraculous even, every time I came home without crying at what and who I was.
Was this really me?
Tall, dark, and handsomely slung down with a million battle scars on my heart?
You're stronger than that, Mako-chan.
Mako-chan? When have I ever deserved a kind-hearted nickname like that, even in its simplest forms? I don't remember this, I can't, I. . . I shouldn't.
Calm down, Mako-chan. We're here for you. We love you. I love you.
Who. . .?
Who are you?
WHERE are you? I've needed to hear those words for so long, and you're telling me, but. . . Can I trust you?
It hurts to trust.
I've been there.
Betrayed, filleted, gutted like a fish straight out of water, left to die as it flailed in its own pool of dripping black blood- don't you want me to change?
Wouldn't it be better if I changed?
How do you know me like this? Are you real?
Mako-chan, I've waited for you all my life. And all my life I've wanted to meet you, just as you are, and if you come to me with scars on your heart, with wounds too bad to heal, it's okay. I love you as you are, don't need to change.
I don't want you to change.
. . . Why do you believe in me so much?
Because you're the one who helped me when I hated myself.
Makoto Kino narrowed her eyes at the punch thrown at her midsection and spared a split second to bare her teeth in a feral grin.
Sweeping her forearm down on the offending limb, the green-eyed brunette jerked to the sound of crunching bone and spun around to deliver a heavy close-impact kick to the attacker's own midsection. With a pained grunt the bulkier boy fell to his knees after hitting the far end of the school building and crumpled to an unconscious heap.
"Th-Thank you for s-saving me!"
Throwing a cold glance over her shoulder, Makoto frowned at the shaking underclassman to the broken gang around her. He was wearing glasses and sported a large cut to his chin and the top of his eye. There was a certain feeling of fear around him that Makoto hated.
She always felt this, especially when she was like she was right now, a thug just roughing up a gang that was going to bully their own smaller specimens.
But not this one.
"Your friends could have poked out your eye. Next time you ask them to use you for bait, make sure they practice beating you up first. Tell them that."
Giving one last searching glance to the downed bodies around her, Makoto turned and walked towards the entrance of the dead-end, stopping at the front to pick up one of the clubs covered in blood that had been used to slash at her skull a moment ago. She would appreciate the souvenir, and it was some kind of evidence that she'd got the bad end of the deal when she stepped in to help the kid.
"Wh-Why? Why don't you b-beat me up, like you did th-them!"
Without turning around, Makoto knew she could recognize the wide eyes, practically black in the typical color for fear and confusion in the midst of desperation. Shaking her head, the pony-tailed brunette waved behind her.
"I didn't beat them up, they weren't powerless or unarmed. I BEAT them, and why I don't beat you is pretty simple. You're just an underling used as bait to get me to come here. This gang wanted to beat up the famed Green Demon of the school. It was a good plan, but you're not that big a part of it. I was in a gang once, and it was torture. I didn't have the guts for it.
Maybe you do. So I'll leave you here with only that cut, and you can tell them you chased me away. That will give them time to tell you to prove it, but you can choose then if you want an out. They won't mess with you then. But no matter what you choose, make the decision with your gut. That tells you a whole lot more than your heart."
Glancing overhead to the darkening sky, Makoto sighed as she felt the first drop of cold, wet rain.
She'd talked too much.
Frowning down at the club she held in her hand, Makoto shook her head and threw it to the ground again. No use in keeping it now.
It was covered with blood, but she was sure the rain would wash it away.
"Are you gay?"
Two years later Makoto Kino found herself flinching as she walked down the hall of her seventh high school. It was a typical Tuesday morning, right before home period, but apparently some underclassmen had found the idiotic courage to face off on her sexuality.
Glancing down the quickly-emptying hallways to the three girls openly staring at her, Makoto allowed a small grin to appear on her face. Walking closer, she noted with unsaid praise the middle girl didn't back up like the other two, clearly making her the leader or the more curious.
Oddly enough, she was the one to the right of the group.
"Are you interested?"
Inside, Makoto tamped down her sudden flicker of thunderous anger at the three, but the more so apparent flicker or interest as the shorter girl looked up at her. She was wearing her old school uniform, so it wasn't a surprise when people noticed her, especially considering her tall height, even made more rare among the unusual short boys.
Yet Makoto's ponytail and stance clearly emanated the signal of 'don't bother me'.
The brown-haired girl inhaled slightly, and Makoto could see the swell of a shaking chest, a sign of nervousness. Smiling even wider, the brunette leaned down a bit and ignored the homeroom bell ringing for students to be good in their classroom seats.
"Are you gay?"
Surprisingly, the question sparked amusement in her, and Makoto shook her head.
Yet the girl surprised her again.
"I was, and am, interested."
All of a sudden the hallway seemed too lonely, too spaced-in, too crowded, and the other two girls had the time to gasp in shock before a hall monitor appeared around the corner and yelled at them to go to their rooms. In a twitter of movement, the two girls scrambled, yet the one facing Makoto smiled back once.
"You have a pretty smile."
Chuckling now, Makoto patted the girl on the back as she passed her, supporting her compliment to the girl with a touch. She noted the bated breath, but kept walking. A crack of thunder outside, and before the girl turned around to look for the tall upperclassman who had the ability to make her feel at ease with the scent of cookies and leather, Makoto was gone.
Throughout the years that question bugged her.
First she told herself she wasn't, then yes, she was, then maybe she batted for both teams. Yet the more Makoto thought about it and studied her fellow humans and senshi, the pony-tailed brunette settled on the idea that she was sexless.
Maybe it was the fact that she had no sex drive, or maybe it was the fact that naked bodies failed to 'arouse' her, unlike the wielding of a lance or just a pure martial arts stance amidst the crack of lightning and thunder.
Should I change?
Makoto had kept coming back to that sentence, but amazingly enough, she got her answer one restless night when Usagi and the others held a sleepover at her apartment that summer.
"Mako-chan, do you have a picture of your old boyfriend?"
Makoto spewed out the contents of her hot tea into air beside her and gaped at a smug-looking Minako Aino. The blonde was quirking her lips at her, intent blue eyes trained on her with curious sparkles in them.
Minako had Rei's hand in her own and the miko jerked as well with Makoto's reaction, recovering a bit after a second and bonking her love on the head with her free fist, a laugh coming to her lips.
"Minako, are you crazy? We've asked Thunder here for a picture of this guy ever since we first met her- she's denied it or she just doesn't have one to show us! Even if she DID, you haven't done anything worthy that Thunder here will just whip out a picture of him!"
"But Reiko! I'm just so CURIOUS!"
"Yeah, and that's what I love about you- but this right here is enough!"
Makoto stared, speechless, as Minako and Rei whapped and hit at each other, but with obvious affection and love in their gestures. The Senshi of Love and Fire had confessed their love to each other a month ago, much to the delight of their queen and Ami Mizuno, who had laughingly told her a knowing 'See?'.
The fact that Minako had control of her own relationship and was now getting on to hers was now setting Makoto on an unseen edge, one that screamed danger to her.
Yes, she DID have a 'Sempai', and yes, she DID have a picture of him.
One that she'd trashed the night she'd taken one of him. He was a jerk, even though he was a fantastic mentor in the martial arts and had amazing skills as a scientist. Basically the perfect mix of brains and geek.
Yet Makoto only considered him that, until he'd dumped her under a load of physical stress and spiked her drink with the ketamine rape drug. Ever since then, Makoto had avoided men and relationships all over, and even more so as she recalled his twisted face barfing up all the alcohol he'd consumed after she took him out with a fist to his gut.
But to answer Minako's question. . .
"Mina-chan, I admit my old sempai resembles many guys, but trust me, I like to look at the male gender and commit his many good deeds to their half of the sex."
". . . Mako-chan. . . that sounds suspiciously bad. . ."
Heat instantly rose to her face and Makoto colored, a strained laugh coming to her lips. Beside her a body flushed, and the brunette yelped as her seat-mate at the low table about burned her arm off with the unsaid innuendo.
"A-Ami-chan! Whoa, cool off!"
Quickly taking the edge of the tablecloth, Makoto brought up the protective material and comically fanned Ami Mizuno with it, trying to bring down the Senshi of Ice's temperature. Glancing over at Rei and Minako, Makoto was alarmed when the Senshi of Love's eyes studied her with a devastatingly knowing smile.
Am I missing something here?
"M-Mako-chan, thank you, I'm fine now."
Makoto reclined back, sprawling out in relief on the ground and away from Minako's gaze. What was that. . .?
Smiling up at her best friend, Makoto raised a hand and touched a fingertip to the blue-haired genius' forehead, testing her temperature. Feeling the warm skin caused her to self-consciously flush, but Makoto kept her gaze on Ami anyway.
The smaller girl smiled back and nodded.
"Awwwwwwwww, aren't they so cute, Rei-chan?"
"If you could get off me and I'd see, then yes, they're cute."
Makoto instantly bolted to a sitting position and wrapped an arm around Ami, pulling her close. The smaller girl flinched a bit but instantly melted into a comfortable stance under her arm, and Makoto valued the friendship they had between them for the more-than-hundredth time.
"Stop teasing us, guys! We're both cute, get over it!"
Laughing, Ami managed to pull away and rolled to her side to poke a sleeping Usagi Tsukino, their princess' blonde odango-buns squishing into the carpet near Makoto's bed. Minako and Rei rolled over until the two could easily see what Ami was doing, Minako on top of Rei.
"Usagi-chan. Wake up, it's dinner time."
Makoto watched as their princess groaned in her sleep and flopped to her back, her mouth open and snoring as Usagi scritched at her head and murmured a drooling, "H'okay. . .".
Ami smiled down at Usagi and from the back of the blue-haired girl Makoto felt her breath hitch. What was this? What. . . was this? Something was wierd, her apartment was getting smaller and everyone seemed to come in closer, and she was struggling to breathe as she looked at her best friend, what. . .?
*B-dump. B-dump. B-dump.*
Makoto shuddered, shaking her head and the feeling washed over her just as soon as it came. A light-green forest haze had settled over her vision, and it cleared now, but with it came the knowing blue of Minako's gaze.
That smile again.
"I-I've got to go fix dinner."
Scrambling to her feet, Makoto hurried into the kitchen, where for the first time in her life that question that haunted her two years back came back full throttle. Glancing back towards her living room at the laughter that followed her into the kitchen, Makoto wondered at that wierd feeling of warmth that came over her.
This was an everyday normal sleepover with her not-so-everyday normal friends.
But then, she was Sailor Jupiter.
So, was she gay?
"Okay, Mako-chan, spill. What's wrong?"
Makoto turned around hastily and panicked. Something inside her recoiled at her friend's tone, and Makoto realized it was too knowing, too friendly, as if the person talking had the benefit of seeing when she had a blindfold on.
Before she knew it, Makoto had sliced open her left thumb as she brought down the knife cutting a well-rounded potato and her accusations came spurting out just like her black blood dripping down the stained blade.
"YOU know what's wrong! I don't understand, do I have to change for all of you? Do I not represent a good female when I'm with you guys, do I ACT strange whenever I want to just be myself? MINAKO, I just don't know what to DO anymore, and by damn, I hate this feeling!
I have LIVED with this feeling my entire life, even before my parents died, even BEFORE I was capable of living on my own and just trying to find myself! Minako, I've ran into all kinds of people, and I know you know what kind I mean. PLEASE, Minako, PLEASE, help me, help me, I can't stand it anymore, Minako-!"
And suddenly Minako was there, there as thunder clapped like shattering cymbals outside, there as Makoto cried out and slumped to the ground in a familiar pose of heartbreaking confusion.
Minako was there as Makoto took her collarbone top in her fists and smeared it with the taint of black blood, the iron tang the scent of raw liquid close to her nose as Makoto buried her face in Minako's neck and cried.
It hurt, it bled, and her heart bled, what was she, how could she get rid of this feeling?
"Mako-chan, Mako-chan, sshhhh, it'll be okay, let it out, but you have to stop, understand? You can cry all you want, Mako-chan, but reign it in before you drown the city in your tears or die of dehydration. Please, Mako-chan, I can help you, but calm down. . ."
Crying even harder, Makoto saw tears.
A waterfall of tears, a waterfall of heartbreak.
"Mina-chan, Mina-chan, please. . ."
Shuddering, Makoto pressed closer into the Senshi of Love and started as the blonde drew her in a hug, warmth emanating through her. Something was filling inside her, but it wasn't enough, it just would never be, why, why. . .?
"Please, Mako-chan, sshhhh. It's okay, let it go, all of it. . . I'm sorry for that, I'm sorry. . ."
And Makoto stopped.
It had started to rain outside, coming down in thousands and millions of water droplets, but now Makoto stopped, her shaking body coming to a slow rock inside of Minako's warm arms. Sniffing, the Senshi of Lighting and Thunder shook her head.
Her whisper came out raspy and hoarse, but Minako's did, too.
"Ami-chan loves you. And you don't have to change. Please don't, Mako-chan. We love you. Ami-chan loves you. Me and Rei-chan, we love you too. And Usagi loves everyone unconditionally. So please don't feel like you have to change, Mako-chan. You're perfect the way you are, if anyone can't see that, then they're the most sinned of bastards."
Shuddering, Makoto nodded, closing her eyes as she tried to fight the wave of tiredness claiming her muscles and mind.
"I'm. . . sorry."
Dimly, Makoto felt the shifting of long blonde hair on her shoulders and back, easing the pain and filling her with a warmth. Minako held her, almost protectively, and Makoto let it go. She let it all go, let it all out. . .
"You've been through a lot, take a long rest, Mako-chan."
Nodding again, Makoto drifted into the deepest of sleeps.
A/N: Okay, so this came out to be more. . . odd-y than I thought it'd become! XD This is NOT finished, and I'm piqued by this fic and everything so I'll try to make something else out of it. Let's just say I'm using this as a punching bag, and I'll try to make it DRAMATIC! XD It's gonna be fun! ^^ Hope I can pull this through, I'll come up with some of my old fics now. ^^ Take care, ja! XD