Author's Note: A while back, there was a prompt to write a fic with Ten chained to Three. Naked. With cake. And the Master. I don't know if it's okay to write another one, but I got this idea, and was just tickled pink by it. So, because I'm feeling a bit bad about my current Ten-bashing, in lieu of the next part of Songs In the Dark, I present you with this!
(You know you're Jewish when your primary thought, after rereading this, is, "Oy, that's going to be hell to clean for Passover!")
Sorry, posted this a bit too quickly. Had to fix a few minor details. Will probably continue updating this just to fix little details I've worked out that are wrong.
"So what you're telling me," said the Third Doctor, "is that my Tardis has become an all-you-can-grab free-for-all spare parts shop for all my future incarnations?"
"Well," mused the Tenth Doctor. "Not really all your future incarnations. Just nine through thirteen. Rather an ingenious plan, I thought."
"I beg your pardon!" exclaimed Doctor Three. "Voluntarily crossing your own timeline so you can steal Tardis parts from your earlier self? I don't know what you call an 'ingenious plan', old chap, but that certainly is not one!"
"Don't knock it," said Ten. "It worked!" He paused. "Or at least, it worked until I got caught by you and the Master."
"Have you ever considered," continued Three, "that perhaps the reason these pieces of the Tardis are not functioning in your time is because you stole them in my time?"
"Oh, come off it," said Ten. "I mean, it's not like you can't just swing by Gallifrey and pick up… a… spare…" He trailed off, a little sheepishly.
"Swing by Gallifrey?" cried Doctor Three. "Swing by Gallifrey? In case it has escaped your notice, old fellow, I'm in exile! I can't swing by anywhere at the moment!"
"Exactly!" chirped the Tenth Doctor. "So you won't be needing the parts anyways."
"If I had all the parts, perhaps I could have escaped by now," Three muttered.
"I thought you had all the knowledge of time travel wiped from your head," said Ten. "And you're missing a dematerialization circuit."
"I'll have you know that I am very resourceful," snapped Three. "I'm certain it's only a matter of time before I can discover a viable workaround."
Ten looked back over his shoulder, and raised an eyebrow. "I suppose that's what the cake is supposed to be?" he asked, staring at the enormous confection that had been carefully laid across the entire central console.
"It's not really a cake," said Three.
Ten squinted at the cake behind him. "'Happy Birthday, Doctor. Best Wishes. Jo,'" he read. He grinned. "Aw, sweet girl."
"I told her not to do that," said Three. "It's not a cake. It's an astronomical four dimensional model of the universe."
"And a candle?"
"Yes!" snapped the Third Doctor. "You know, I consider myself to be a peaceful man, but you are really trying my patience."
"Guess it's a good thing for me that you're a bit tied up at the moment, then," the Tenth Doctor said, grinning.
The Third Doctor sighed, and shook the chains that connected him and his future incarnation to the central console.
"Oi," said Doctor Ten. "Careful with those chains! Naked, here. Remember?"
"Yes," said the Third Doctor. "I'm presuming you have an explanation for that."
Ten tried to scratch the back of his head, but only managed to smear white frosting across his forearms. "Would you believe Greek Olympics?" he asked.
"Yeah, didn't think so," said Ten. He shifted around in the chains, uneasily, causing them to rattle again. "It was sort of… a demonstration. Well, not really a demonstration, exactly. More of an illustration. A challenge. A proof of ability." He paused, then gave an annoyed sigh. "All right, a dare. It was a dare."
"What, someone dared you to break into UNIT headquarters naked?" Three asked. He glanced over his shoulder at Ten, who looked a little sheepish.
"Pretty much, yeah," said Ten. "You see, Jack and I were fixing up the Tardis, when Jack told Martha that I wouldn't be able to get anywhere without my psychic paper. So I told him that I managed just fine without it for most of my lives, and I can still waltz right into any top level security area with nothing whatsoever and not get caught." The Tenth Doctor shrugged. "What can I say? It's Jack. He took me literally."
"And you chose this time period," said Three, "when you were already at UNIT, knowing full well I'd be here…"
"With your broken-down Tardis, yes," said Ten. "Oh, by the way. Might need to borrow your spare key. I was depending on using mine, but it seems to have gotten nicked."
"What, you mean the way you were trying to nick my Gyroscopic N-space Stabilizer?" Three demanded. He was beginning to get angry again.
Ten blew a breath out of his cheeks. "Yeah, well, I've been using Rose's hair scrunchie for about a lifetime and a half now," he said. "Figured, while I was here, I might as well…"
"You might as well just steal mine!" said Three. He struggled in his chains again, prompting another "Oi!" from his counterpart. The chains did not yield. "I certainly hope you haven't stolen any of the temporal shielding, or we'll both be reduced to our component atoms along with the rest of the planet when the Master's done."
"Oh, I wouldn't worry about the Master," said Ten, cheerfully.
Three looked at him, askance. "Why? What have you done now?"
"Me?" asked Ten, feigning innocence. "What gives you the idea that I would do anything? I'm just waiting for the inevitable."
"Well, since I clearly didn't get the part…" Ten began.
He was cut off by the sudden appearance of a head poking in through the open Tardis door. It had a friendly-looking face, sporting longish, floppy brown hair, and twinkling blue eyes. Around the man's neck was a red colored bow-tie.
"Oh," said the Eleventh Doctor. "Sorry. Am I intruding?"
"Gyroscopic N-space Stabilizer?" asked Ten.
"Scrunchie broke," Eleven admitted.
Ten gestured his head over his right shoulder. "Far end of the console, under the second 'O' in 'Doctor'."
Eleven beamed. "Ah," he said. "Lovely!" He took out his sonic screwdriver, and began advancing towards the console.
"Excuse me, old chaps, but that's my Tardis you're dismantling!" said Three.
Eleven was fishing through the icing and cake, trying to find the missing part. "Well, it's not like you're using it at the moment," he said.
"I might be," Three insisted. "I might have been about to escape, for all you know."
The Eleventh Doctor leaned down and began buzzing with his sonic screwdriver. "Using a giant cake as a dematerialization circuit, you mean?" he asked. "Even if it wasn't daft, it's hardly dignified."
"Says the man with the bow-tie," mumbled Three.
Eleven stopped his buzzing, and looked up. "Hey, bow-ties are cool!" he insisted.
"I'm surprised you adopted anything from the bad-luck Tux as part of your daily wardrobe," said Ten. "I mean, wearing a bow-tie twenty-four-seven—that's just asking for trouble, isn't it?"
Eleven regarded his past self. "I hardly think that you're in the position to give fashion tips at the moment," he said.
Ten ignored him. "And I thought Torchwood was tempting fate when they were splitting open the rift at Canary Warf!" he continued. "Wearing that bow-tie around all the time, I'm surprised the universe hasn't come to an end, yet."
Eleven turned back to the console, buzzing with his sonic screwdriver again. "Oh, shut it," he said.
"Or at the very least," continued Ten, "that one of your companions hasn't had a baby that somehow grows up to…"
"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" snapped Eleven.
Three was now slumped in his chains. "I really hate hearing about my future," he said.
"You could always just use the Tardis to wipe your memory when this is done," the Tenth Doctor proposed.
The Third Doctor's hands bunched into fists by his sides. "I would," he said, "if someone hadn't stolen the memory-loop-chronotizer circuits last week!"
Ten and Eleven looked at one another. "I didn't do that," said Ten. "Did you?"
"No," said Eleven. "Must have been twelve or thirteen. Good to know we're still alive and kicking by then." He gave a sudden, "Aha!", as the cake-covered Gyroscopic N-space Stabilizer circuit came loose in his hand. He examined it, a large smile plastered across his face. "Oh, you beauty!"
"If you're done dismantling my ship, I would very much appreciate a timely rescue," said Three. "The Master is currently outside, trying to bring about the end of the world, and I'd very much like to stop him."
"Yes. Right. Escape. On it!" said Eleven, slipping the Gyroscopic N-space Stabilizer into his pocket. He darted over to the other side of the console, and knelt down in front of the padlock that was securing the chains, buzzing it with the sonic screwdriver. It didn't budge. "Just need to get the right frequency," muttered Eleven, as he adjusted the screwdriver.
"Oh dear," said Three. "I think we might be a bit late for that."
The two future Doctors looked up, and Eleven found himself face-to-face with a sinister-looking man clad all in black, pointing a small, cylindrical object at his head. The Eleventh Doctor stood up straight, beaming even more brightly than before.
"Look at that!" he said. "It's you! I mean, this you! Rubbish beard and all!"
The Master extended a gloved hand.
"Hand over the screwdriver, Doctor," he said to Doctor Number Eleven.
The Eleventh Doctor did as he was told.
The Tenth Doctor was squirming around in his chains. "Cor, is that a Tissue Compression Eliminator?" he asked. "I haven't seen one of those in years!"
"I know!" said the Eleventh Doctor, happily.
The Master looked over at the Third Doctor. "I am surprised at you, Doctor," he said. "I never thought you'd stoop to asking your future incarnations for a rescue."
"I asked nothing!" snapped the Third Doctor. "These future incarnations are just here to raid my Tardis for spare parts. If you get rid of them, I might even thank you for it."
"Rest assured, you are all quite dead," said the Master. "Not even your Tardis will be able to shield you from the explosion that is about to engulf this world."
Ten sighed. "Back to the good old days when he just wanted to kill us," said Ten. "Never thought I'd miss 'em."
"And then," continued the Master, who was obviously quite taken with his own genius, "as the explosion reaches the Cardiff Rift, the rift will open, releasing an enormous flow of temporal energy into space. Once I am bathed in the temporal radiation, I will finally achieve immortality!"
"Oh, that's just classic Master, all over," said Eleven. "Big. Flashy. Loud. Disconcertingly unhinged."
The Master surveyed the three Doctors, suspiciously. "I am surprised that none of you are the least bit concerned."
"Well," said Ten, stretching out the word to last for several seconds, "guess that's because good old bow-tie and myself both remember how this turned out."
"What—" began the Master, before his eyes rolled up in his head, and he slumped to the floor.
Behind him stood a tall man with big ears and close-cropped hair, sporting a black leather jacket and carrying a mini-taser. "Thank you, Rose," he said, tucking the taser back into his pocket.
"Gyroscopic N-Space Stabilizer?" asked Doctors Ten and Eleven together.
"Ah," said the Ninth Doctor, surveying the room. "Guess this means I don't get it this time."
"Use one of Rose's hair scrunchies," proposed Ten. "That's what I did."
"The bomb?" the Third Doctor reminded them.
Nine frowned, digging one hand into his pocket. "What, you mean this thing?" he asked, taking it out and tossing it into the air. "Just did a bit of jiggery pokery; turned it into a very nice interspacial geometer. Completely harmless." He caught it, nimbly, and tucked it back into his pocket. Then his eyes alighted on something just below the console. "Aha!" he said, darting forward and jerking a bulky white circuit out of its casing. "Tachyon acceleration modulator. Been looking for one of those!"
"What?" the Third Doctor protested. "Stop! Put that back! I need that!"
"Really?" said Nine. He waved the device in the air. "You know how to connect this up to a dematerialization circuit, then?"
"Of course I do," huffed the Third Doctor. "You simply… rotate it along its primary axial array and connect the… coupling wires…"
The Ninth Doctor made a buzzer noise with his mouth. "Eeeee! Wrong!" he said. "But thanks for playing." He shot the other two Doctors a grin, and shot off back to his Tardis.
Eleven was staring after him, a thoughtful look on his face. Then he shrugged, and leaned down to pick up his sonic screwdriver. "Well, I suppose I must be going, too," he said.
Ten coughed, loudly. Eleven turned around. "Oh, right!" he said. "The rescue." He knelt down by the padlock, and buzzed it with the sonic screwdriver. This time, it popped open right away. Ten darted towards the outside doors, but Eleven stopped him.
"Better leave the spare key where it is," he said. "You know… in case we wake up in a hospital morgue some day and need it." He winked, and handed him a small Yale key on a string.
The Tenth Doctor frowned. "Then you'll be locked out," he said.
"Well, it's not actually my key," admitted Eleven. "I sort of… borrowed it. From you."
"Oh, so that's where my spare key went!" said Ten.
"Yeah, sorry bout that," said Eleven. He shrugged, and gave his previous-self a sheepish smile. "Well, anyways, better be off! Headless Monks to defraud. Questions to not ask. Take care!" And with that, the Eleventh Doctor left the Tardis.
The Tenth Doctor shrugged, shoving the key into a pocket. Then he remembered he didn't have any pockets, because he was naked. "Better fix that," he muttered. He plucked an abandoned Opera Cape off the floor, and wrapped it around his person.
"Have fun on Earth!" said Ten, as he darted out of the console room.
"Wait a moment," said Three, chasing after him. "That's my cape!"
"If it makes you feel any better," shouted Ten, "you'll steal it back in a few centuries!" And with that, the Tenth Doctor disappeared, leaving the Third Doctor alone in UNIT Headquarters.