I wrote this in a ridiculously short amount of time – earlier today while I was still in my pyjamas, in fact – so I hope it's actually good. I'm just on such a Klaine Sex high right now, and what with this absurd hiatus (no Glee until after my birthday, why don't you just punch me in the face and get it over with?) I shall be using fanfiction as a means to keep myself somewhat sane.

This isn't strictly smutty per se, which is why it isn't rated M, but after the spoilers about November 8th I don't want to be making any head-canons for myself. I do that too much and I always end up disappointed when the writer's don't steal my ideas. So, rather than any actual first time Klaine Sex, I shall be writing more about the aftermath, when the sexual side of their relationship is more established. And I think it goes without saying that Santana would probably be the first person to know that Klaine Sex had happened.

Anyway, reviews would be nice.

And I don't own Glee. Not to sound cocky, but that is a real shame.

The Little Things, or Congratulations On All The Sex

It was just little things that I noticed, the kind of details that nobody else would see unless they were really looking for them. But I had a sixth sense about this sort of thing, like the most random super power in the world. Santana Lopez could always tell when someone had lost the Big V.

Like when dwarf girl had been trying to make out like she'd done the nasty with that tool, Jesse 'wow, that's extremely heterosexual...' St. James. I knew it was bull from the off. Berry was a total prude, one of those insufferable good girls who wouldn't drop their white cotton panties until marriage, even though so many guys were inexplicably attracted to her. I knew the truth, even if no one else did. So I knew I just had to be right about Kurt and Blaine.

Porcelain and Frodo were one of those couples that weren't into PDAs. I mean, sure, they acted like an old married couple most of the time, even before they were an actual couple. But I'd never seen them do anything more than hold hands and occasionally give each other a hug. They were almost painfully tame, like a courting couple in one of those dull Jane Austen movies that can't even be in the same room together without a chaperone. Kurt and Blaine always sat next to each other in Glee Club or in the cafeteria, but never too close. It was weird and oddly frustrating, but I got by on the fact that, although they were the picture of innocence in public, in private they probably couldn't keep their hands off each other. Like Coach Sylvester always said, people who dress like librarians always turn out to be sex addicts. But I could tell that they'd gone no further than making out. They'd never even seen each other shirtless. I could just tell.

But then suddenly their relationship changed. It wasn't a drastic change, but as I say, I notice all the little things. It all began when Kurt started wearing a lot of scarves. He said it was just because it was getting colder and he'd broken out his fall wardrobe. Please, that was only half true. I'd seen him adjusting one of his over-priced designer scarves while he was fixing his hair, looking at his reflection in the little mirror in his locker. He moved it aside for a split second to scratch an itch and revealed a little red mark on his neck, which he quickly covered up again. I knew a hickey when I saw one. Back when I used to fool around with Puckerman he taught me how to make them into shapes. So it looked like Kurt had Blaine had been more than just kissing.

My second clue was how close they suddenly were. There was so much more physical contact between them, even if to a layman it didn't seem that sexual. But they sat closer together, much closer than they usually did. They held hands a lot more. Kurt would stroke Blaine's arm. Blaine would rest his hand on Kurt's knee. And the way that they'd look at each other... ugh, just wanky.

Before it was more cutesy little gazes, like cartoons with hearts in their eyes. You know, like they were about to start cooing "I wuv you, honey-bunny!" and rubbing their noses together. Sickening crap like that. But then suddenly those looks changed. Now most of the time they were having full on eye-sex every time they looked at each other. Forget mentally undressing. One time Kurt was wearing some ungodly tight black jeans and this baggy sweater with the sleeves rolled up that was almost off the shoulder, and the way Blaine was staring at him was so feral that I was surprised he didn't just jump on old Lady Face and ravish him in the middle of Glee Club. I almost had to look away, it was so intense. Well, almost. But I also noticed the sly smirk on Kurt's face as he casually traced patterns on Blaine's thigh. He knew exactly what he was doing, that evil little prick-tease. I could have applauded.

They even started kissing in front of the rest of us. They weren't like, totally getting their mack on in the middle of the choir room or anything. It was more subtle than that. Kurt would kiss Blaine on the cheek, real slow and sensual even though it was just a light peck. Blaine would kiss the back of Kurt's hand, lightly pressing his lips against each little manicured fingertip. Then they'd share a lingering look and the eye-sex would start all over again. It was like PDA porn.

But nobody else seemed to notice the change. I guess they were all too wrapped up in their own lives, but I couldn't keep my eyes off the horny wood nymph and the sexually-charged hobbit. There was a haze of lust around them like an aura. It was so obvious that they were doing it, and it was so obvious that all that butt-sex was well above average.

"Hey, Princess! Hey, Short'n'Curly!" I said, greeting them as I walked down the hall.

They were standing by Kurt's locker. He just rolled his eyes, while Blaine chuckled and shook his head.

"Afternoon, Santana," said the dapper little puppy with his usual politeness.

"So guys," I said, stopping in front of them. "I feel like I should've got you two a cake or something."

Kurt arched an eyebrow. "And why is that?"

"Well, we need to celebrate," I said. "You ladies have become men."

They both looked at me like I was crazy.

"What the hell are you talking about?" said Kurt.

I grinned at them like a proud Mama. "Congratulations on all the sex!"

They were both hilariously taken aback. Kurt's eyes were wider, and Blaine's ridiculously triangular eyebrows were raised in surprise.

"I'm sorry, what?" Blaine asked.

"Congrats on all the awesome sex you guys have been having," I said cheerfully. "To be honest, I didn't think either of you twinkies had it in you, but well done. I do hope you've been using protection though; we don't want Kurt getting pregnant. But Auntie Tanny is proud of her lady-boys."

They stared at me, slightly open mouthed.

"Wait – what...?"

"How did you even...?"


I just smirked at them, giving them a little wink before walking away. Santana Lopez could always tell when someone had lost the Big V, and Porcelain and Frodo had the healthy glow of two people who were getting some on a regular basis. Everyone else may have been oblivious, but they couldn't hide that kind of thing from me. I could just tell.

Hope you enjoyed, Humble Readers :)