The Epic Failure of the Touhou Project

Disclaimer: Ok, I probably should've included this when i first wrote this chapter, but touhou in no way belongs to me. I just write fanfiction. All characters except my own OCs belong to ZUN.

[AN]: I would just like to say before starting, that I was heavily inspired by other fan fictions like: average Joe in bullet hell, by the magnificent sasquatch, the Sukima series, by Willie G.R., and other such fan fictions. Enjoy, and please review.

Also, this doesn't actually start getting good and NOT cliche until chapter 3, sojust hang in there :)

Chapter 1: crossing the border

Hi, my name is Matthew Harrison. I've been living underground, dealing with some tough times with the normal street thugs and occasional mugger that I encounter. Not on purpose, I'm part of a gang called the ****.

My life has been pretty strange. I've seen two world wars without getting a scratch. I've gone through the pain of loved ones and friends growing older and wiser until they wither away while I stay behind, always a constant memory of when they were my age. Truth is, I haven't aged. Never. Also, I'm kind of a demon… I've known this all my life, as I've always had the strength of an adult in a child's body.

In 2005 I took a biological test, the results showed that I was 12. I can't remember ever being younger or older, so, I can only assume that I was born 12. I've been alive for 110 years, yet my wardrobe has not changed at all. I wear a trench-coat that some claim to be as black as night over plain slacks, and a white shirt. My hair is the same color as my coat and cut short. My face twists and turns in sharp angles and is devoid of any blemishes.

"Hey Matt, you alright?" my recently assigned gang partner, Dan, asked. His long blond hair tumbled in his eyes and he had to push it away. I noted to myself after seeing his pockets that he has always has at least 4 weapons on him.

Dan patiently awaited my response. When I didn't indicate any sign of response he looked genuinely concerned. "Hey, something wrong?"

"No, I was just zoning a little." I gave a reassuring smile.

"Well, I could use your help right about now!" he exclaimed as he threw a knife.


"WOAH!" I forgot, we're in the middle of a gunfight now. As a bullet just zipped by my head, I took out my 9mm pistol and started shooting like a madman. I was NOT going to let our rival gang take victory.

The other guys I work with always wondered why such a young person would want to join their gang, but I was an excellent shot, so they accepted me with open arms.

Blood was splattered across a midsized sedan I was using for cover. To my right was Dan and to my left was my old friend, Eric. Unfortunately, he had taken a bullet to the head about 10 minutes into the fight.

As the bloodshed continued, a distortion occurred behind us. I didn't notice the purple rift opening behind me. I was too concentrated on the object hurled at us.

"Oh no…" Dan's sea blue eyes widened in fear. "Hit the dirt!"

The object landed right in front of me.

I gasped with surprise. "Oh, son of a-"


With an explosion, we were hurled into the rift. The last thing I saw before I lost consciousness was the now-alight sedan moving further and further away until it faded into nothing.


Was I finally dead? All I saw was white

"Is he ok?" A soft voice floated to mingle with my brain

What? Someone else is here?

"Does he look ok to you!" A gruff voice responded

"Who's there?" I moaned.

"He's mumbling about something…"

I opened my eyes, and found myself laying on a futon. It seemed like I was in some run down Japanese building. You know, the kind out of animes where they have paper walls and no chairs. As I looked around, I saw the two people who were talking.

The first one was dressed in red and white with brown hair. She had detached sleeves, which were white, and had red borders on both ends. she also wore a red vest with a yellow piece of cloth tied around her neck. Her hair flowed down to her loweer back, and was kept out of her eye by two tube-like hair-pieces, and a giant red ribbon.

The other wore a purple dress with frills adorning the skirt, and white gloves that went up to her elbows. She had a mop-cap on her head, and the outfit overall had a very eastern feel to wore a traditional-looking purple Japanese dress.

The one in the red and white was looking at me as if not caring. Though her cold glare seemed to pierce my very soul.

I sat up slowly, and my eyes steadily regained their ability to see. They felt somewhat strange, even after i had re-gained my bearings. "Ugh, I can't feel my right arm" I tried to move it.

"Fu-fu-fu-fu. That's because you don't have one."

Wait, what.

I looked down at my arm and saw that my right sleeve was torn off, and the remaining stump of my arm was covered in bandages.

"Aaahh!" I cried in shock.

"You don't have to be so whiny about It." stated the red and white girl as she put her hands to her hips.

Insensitive bitch, why do I feel like she's really lazy

"Are you telling me you wouldn't feel the same way?" I sneered with a murderous tone. Honestly, i didn't know if I should put up a tough guy facade, or maintain my true, someewhat cowardly personality.

She brought her arms up from her hips and crossed them at her chest. "Honestly, I wouldn't lose it in the first place." She paused for a while, then sighed, and walked away from the futon I was in. She sat down at a... i think it's called a kotasu, and began drinking some tea.

An awkward silence droned over the room as I got used to what felt like heightened senses. I could even smell the cheap tea she was drinking from across the room. I did a double-take, then asked "where's Dan?"

The woman in purple raised a paper fan to her face, and hid what seemed like a mischevious grin. "Oh, you mean that fellow that came here too? He's over there" the woman in purple gestured over to a futon across the room.

I start to get up to walk over to where my friend is, but I stop when a sharp pain hits my left leg

The woman pushed me back down and said "I wouldn't move if I were you. There is a bullet lodged in your leg"

"Wha?" I made a noise of confusion

"Just rest now. I will explain everything tomorrow." The woman in purple stated as she hid a grin behind her fan.

2 days later

I'm feeling better now. I was able to use one of Dan's knifes to remove the bullet lodged in my leg. Remember the red and white dressed girl? Her name is Reimu and she is a shrine maiden, apparently I was right about her being lazy. As soon as Dan woke up, she put him to work while she sat on the porch drinking her cheap tea.

My recovery was faster than expected. Although, I don't know how I will get over the loss of my arm, the pain left within a day. Reimu said it's because I'm a demon called a youkai. Yukari told me that because I was surrounded by magic, my youkai senses had awakened. that's why my eyes felt weird, and why there was a red glow coming from them when I was in pitch black darkness.

I always knew I was a demon, but I didn't know what kind. Youkai are demons that will outlive humans usually by thousands of years, but they usually stop physically ageing at a certain point. Unfortunately, because my arm was severed outside the border, the magical energies that usually help youkai regenerate lost limbs and other body parts cannot help me.

My hair also seems to have changed color; it is now a silvery white.

Yukari said I'm in this place called Gensokyo which is isolated from the outside world. It is a place where magic and supernatural, dominate over technology and science. She also told me that she dragged me in here for reasons she wouldn't tell me.

So it looks like I'm stuck here for now

I snapped out of my thoughts and looked over to Reimu, who was sitting on the front porch "hey Reimu?" I asked.

She slowly looked up from the cup of tea she was holding, then let out an annoyed grumble. "What?"

I looked up to her and said "I feel like a burden to you. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Dan stopped sweeping, looked over, and said "yeah, I could really use some help here. Help me sweep this floor before I kill something!" he said as he took out a silver knife.

Why does he have those anyways? I thought while looking at the knife people don't normally carry around holy weapons.

Reimu looked at me and snapped "no, with that missing arm, you aren't doing anything."

Wow, does she actually care

Reimu narrowed her eyes and stated "you'll screw something up." I made an "Oh, I should've known" face at that comment. "You should get some rest; Yukari said she has a surprise for you tomorrow."

Oh, I wonder what it is. I thought as I yawned.

Deep in the magic forest:

Yukari's POV

I walked into a place that looked like a mad scientist's laboratory. There we beakers with colorful liquids, and machines making whirring noises everywhere. "Hey, Rika! Are you done with that project I… commissioned from you?" I said as I eyed a machine that had its top blown off. There was still smoke coming out of it.

A girl with a white lab coat on walked out of the next room and said "I'm glad you asked, me and Rikako just were putting the finishing touches on it."

I stopped examining the machine and looked at Rika "may I please see it?"


A pulsating vein pooped up on Rika's forehead as she yelled "ugh, not again. RIKAKO, I TOLD YOU NOT TO TEST IT UNTIL I GET THERE!" she was irritated.

I sweatdropped "that sounded troublesome…"

Rika looked back at me and said "it's ok; you can come see it now."

"Good" I stated as they walked into the next room.

In the room, there was another girl there. She was also wearing a lab coat, and she had a similar appearance to Rika. The girl, (who I'm assuming is Rikako) swiped a cloth covering a metal arm. "Behold our most advanced work yet!" Both Rika and Rikako said with an expression of pride

Rika became exited as she started babbling on about her new invention "it reads the users mind to drive actuators that… insert techno jargon here… and this part here is for materializing danmaku." She finished giving a pose that screamed "science nerd".

I looked up from the ground "that's very interesting" I said with a bored expression on her face.

Rikako looked over at me and said with a hint of greed "now, our… payment please." Great, she's turning into Reimu.

"Fine." I opened a gap and out of it dropped a huge steam engine attached to an electrical generator

Rikako looked on in awe. "Yes, with this we will not need to rely on the kappa for our electrical needs!"

I smiled. "Glad you like it"

As Rika and Rikako were examining the huge machine, I picked up the arm, and left, via gap.

The Hakurei shrine 1 day later:

Matt's POV

I got up from my futon. "*yawn* I feel great today… why do I feel like today will end in pain?" I paused and thought. Hmmm, it seems I'm the only one up. I better not wake Reimu, unless I want a repeat of last night.

- Flashback -

I was walking up to the hot spring to take a bath, little did I know, someone was already there. As I got in, the steam cleared, and I saw Reimu was taking a bath already.

I blushed a deep shade of red, and tried to look away, but it was too late, she had already noticed me. She jumped up, and whacked me with a wooden stick, which I now know is called a gohei.

As I fell to the ground with a large bump on my head, Reimu stuck her nose up in the air. "Pervert!" The comment made me flinch

- End flashback -

As I was sitting on the front porch, I was looking at the stars (which were still out) I wondered if they looked the same on the other side. I had remembered that they were always blocked out by the bright lights of the city.

I didn't notice that someone else had snuck up on me. "Peaceful, isn't it?"

I jumped "woah!" I looked over to see Yukari. Don't sneak up on me like that

Yukari covered her face with her fan and exclaimed "I came here to give you a little present. You owe me big time kid."

A vein pooped up on my forehead Do I look like a kid to you … hello! What do we have here?

Yukari pulled out a robot arm from a gap.

Geez, you know those steam-punk fan-art drawings, it looks exactly like one of those.

Yukari handed the arm to me. "The makers gave me these instructions, you can figure out how to use it yourself." Yukari gave me a piece of paper. I looked at it, but it was all in Japanese, and I couldn't read it. "Yukari I…" She was gone, but when I looked back at the paper, it was now in English.

"Dear customer,

Thank you for purchasing your prosthetic limb from RIKA CO. we ensure customer satisfaction and this product is- (ok let's skip to the actual instructions) – to operate the limb, simply think about moving it like you would a regular arm. It may require some effort at first, but it will soon become natural. This prosthetic has the capabilities to emulate a real human limb, and even do more. It can also be used as a medium for producing danmaku. Thank you, have a nice day."

Ok, so let's just strap this on.

I pulled a leather strap around my chest and buckled it around my back. My arm stub fit in nicely, and kept it sturdy as soon as I buckled the last buckle, an orb like object on the back of the hand started glowing red. After about 5 seconds, it turned blue.

I tried to move it, but it wouldn't budge. Ugh, why won't this stupid thing move! Then I tried imagining it as a third arm, and not a replacement. It twitched, and then slowly, it grasped its fingers, opening and closing its hand.

I beamed "sweet!"

"You are such a nerd."

I looked over at the figure hiding behind me. "Dan? How long have you been here?"

Dan smiled with a psychotic grin "I was here before you got here. I was practicing my abilities with this awesome new sword." Dan held up a sheathed katana with a dragon-like figure carved into the sheath.

I frowned "where did you get that?"

"I dunno, I just found it" Dan said as he unsheathed it. It had a black blade and it smelled like it was dipped in poison.

Geez, that makes a lot of sense… why do I get the sense that he's lying

Just as I finished that thought, Reimu walked into the room. "*yawn*, ugh, goddammit Yukari!"

I looked at her. "What's wrong?"

Reimu stared at me "Yukari says I have to teach you danmaku."


"I've been wondering, just what is danmaku?" Dan said as he looked at Reimu.

Reimu looked at Dan as if he had said the stupidest thing in the world. "Danmaku is a form of non-lethal energy bullets that are used to duel other people."

Dan's grin disappeared. "Awww, non-lethal? Where's the fun in that?"

Typical, you always seem to want to hurt people I looked over my shoulder and sweatdropped. "Uhh, Dan? It's a good thing that it doesn't kill people!"

"Why?" *sadistic grin*

I took a second to think of something he would care about. "Because if it did, then the cops would always be on our ass!"


"What? I haven't seen a single cop since we got to this weird place!" *angry stare* "besides, I left my collection of pointy things at home!"

I grew a vein on my forehead yet again. "Well maybe we wouldn't be stuck here if YOU! Didn't start that gunfight!"

"Listen to- "

Dan had a vein develop on his forehead as well. "They ambushed us! I had to knife him!"

I'm let my anger get the better of me"YOU MORON! EVEN THOUGH HE JUMPED US, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO- "


We both fell to the ground "uuhhh"

Reimu's face was boiling with anger and she was gritting her teeth like sand paper. "Shut up and listen!"

Oh yeah, Reimu is still here.

We both got up and said at the same time, "you didn't have to hit me with that gohei!"

Reimu turned her back to us "well, it shut you up didn't it." She stated coldly.

She's got a point.

Reimu turned towards us again and with moneybags in her eyes. "Anyways, follow me. Yukari said she'll give me 5,000 yen to teach you the basics"

Why does Yukari care about me?

We followed her to the back of the shrine. It looked like a training ground. There were wooden dummies, and targets everywhere.

Reimu held up her gohei "ok, the first step is to find your energy core."

Wait, what?

Reimu continued to speak in the pose she was in. "I would suggest meditation, it will be hard to do at first, but the more often you summon your energy, the easier it will be to find it"

I sat in the stereotypical meditation pose, and I start focusing. "Ok, so like this…"

Dan looked over to Reimu. "So, what is an energy core?"

Reimu looked back at Dan "it's a spiritual core of magic power. Outsiders usually have theirs locked away, but Yukari took down the border between you and your core."

"Oh, so-"

"Shut up! I'm meditating!" I interrupted

Any time now



Reimu gave me a look of approval. "Good, now try to focus your energy to your hands… or, hand"

I sweatdropped Ok, let's do this






As Reimu and Dan were snickering away at me, I released a small miniscule bullet from my left hand. "There! I did it"

"Pffftt HAHAHAHAHAHA" Reimu fell over and started rolling on the floor laughing

I felt my cheeks heat up. "Shut up, it's not funny"

Dan was holding his hand over his mouth *chuckle*

Urge. To kill. Rising.

Reimu wiped a tear from her eye "t-t-that was just pathetic. You must have a small energy core"

Anger. Rising.

All of a sudden, the green light on the prosthetic limb started glowing red, and energy formed at its fingertips. "GAAAHHH!"


As I let out a scream of rage, energy shot straight out of my right arm and hit the ground. The result was an explosion that enveloped Reimu, Dan, and I. "ugh!" We all fell to the ground

Damn, that's some power!

Reimu got back up "You idiot, you could've blown up the shrine" Reimu had a pulsating vein on her forehead. She raised her gohei over her head

I panicked "wait! It was an accede-"


"Uuuuuh" I fell over, unconscious

Dan's POV

I looked over at Matt. "Well, it looks like he'll be out for a few hours, let's try mine!"

Reimu smiled at me. "Knock yourself out"

Ok, now all I have to do is charge up my energy from my core. I struck the famous DBZ kamehameha pose


Ah-ha, there it is

All of a sudden, I exploded with power. I had an aura around me just like DBZ characters. I held my hands out in front of myself. "HADOUKEN!" A blue ball of energy charged at a nearby training dummy. It made contact with the wooden figure and engulfed it in flames. As the dust cleared, there was nothing left of the dummy. Awesome, with power like this I'll… wha? All of a sudden, I collapsed.

Reimu sighed. "Great, now I have to drag them both back to the shrine."

As Reimu dragged them back to the shrine, she pondered why Dan collapsed like that.

1 day later

Matthew's POV


Ugh, I feel like I was hit by a train. I slowly open my eyes, and find that I am in the same futon I was in when I first woke up in the shrine."w-what… happened?"

I looked over and saw Reimu. She said "you were knocked out by a combination of your own power, and my gohei"

I gathered my thoughts. "What do you mean?"

"Ow, my head"

Reimu looked over at Dan. "Oh, you're awake. I have something to tell the both of you"

Dan got up from his futon. "What is it?"

Reimu looked at both of us "it seems your energy cores are pretty small. You both could probably only put out enough power to match the ice fairy."

I Sweatdropped. "I'm guessing she's not that strong"

"No, but she certainly thinks she is" Reimu mumbled

Well crap, we're never going to survive here

Reimu looked at Dan "you should probably stay at the shrine, if not, then a wild youkai might decide to make you their snack."

Well eef me

Dan looked disappointed. "Well, can you at least show us how to use danmaku a little better?"

Reimu looked over Dan with boredom. "I suppose."

"Great!" Dan exclaimed. Dan started focusing energy into his palm in excitement when all of a sudden…

Reimu panicked all of a sudden. "Wait! Go to the training-"


As the smoke cleared, I saw that Dan's attack had literally blown up in his face. Also, there were pieces of wood raining down.

Huh, donations please? I thought as I read a sign that had fallen in front of me. Hmmmm, it's just a donation box, what could- ut-oh.

Reimu was fuming, her face was boiling red, and she was gritting her teeth. "GET. OUT." Reimu said in an angry tone. If looks could kill, we would be dead.



"Ok geez" I said in defeat.

Crap, now how are we going to survive I was walking down the shrine's steps when Dan said "we are so screwed."

Gee, thanks Capitan obvious "it's ok, you didn't mean to."

As we were walking along a path, we encountered village. The sign said "human village"

Huh, so all the humans in Gensokyo must live here

As we were about to walk in, we encountered some guards

"Drop your weapons."

I looked at him "wha? We don't have any weapons."

"He has a sword, and you have that thing on your arm."

I looked at my arm. "But this is my prosthetic limb"

"I don't know what a prosthetic limb is, but I cannot allow you to enter if you don't take it off."

Great, we're not welcome here either "come on Dan, let's go."


As we were walking away, nightfall was approaching. Which means the youkai would be out hunting. If the other youkai are out hunting for food, then I should hunt too, but from what I've heard, youkai like to eat human flesh, so I better leave Dan behind. "I'm going to go hunting for food, stay here and set up camp."

"Awww, but I want to kill stuff too." Dan said as he brandished a holy knife

Yeh! Where did he get all these holy weapons from? It almost seems like he was prepared to kill Youkai. "No, it's too dangerous, just stay here."

Dan pouted. "Fine."

Dan's POV

Ugh, great, now I'm stuck here. I better get started gathering firewood… hehe, fire. It burns stuff. As Dan got up, he heard a rustle in the bushes. "Wha? Who's there!"

Hmm, must have been nothing



"Woah!" The figure jumped at Dan. But he quickly kicked it away.

A small girl lay where Dan had kicked her. She had a black vest over a white collared shirt with baggy sleeves. A long black dress reached down to her ankles, and she had a red ribbon in her hair. "Ow, that hurt you meanie"

"Wha? It's just a little girl. What are you doing out here, a wild youkai might eat you." Dan was surprised

"Humph. I'm not a little girl, I'm a youkai, and I'm here to eat your flesh"

I thought she had a different magical wavelength.

I looked at her, and then I snickered. "Whatever you say kid, what's your name?"

She got up and crossed her arms "Humph, my name's Rumia." She uncrossed her arms. "And you smell delicious."

I drew my sword. "My name's Dan, back off kid, I'm warning you."

She held her arms out in a horizontal manner. "Is that so?"

I just noticed that Rumia had raised her arms into that position "why are you holding your arms out like that?"

Rumia looked at him as a ball of darkness started forming around her. "Doesn't it look like the Saint was crucified?"

Wait, what? I put on a face of confusion. "Look kid, beat it before I cut you into little pieces and use you as food."

Rumia flinched a little as her ball of darkness faded away like the sun vanquishing the horrible night. "Honestly, I don't taste that good."

I got in a battle ready stance. "Are you going to leave me alone?"


I raised my sword. "Then en guarde`. If I win, then you must leave me alone, and give me any food you have. If you win, then you can eat me."

Rumia smiled like a child with one fang poking out from her lips. "Deal"

I opened with a vertical slash coming down on Rumia, but she quickly dodged. As I ran to the left, she threw small bursts of danmaku. Which I, of course dodged easily, so they completely missed me. "Ha, is that the best you got!" I taunted.

This should be over quick.

"Is that so?"

Can she read my mind? I made a horizontal slash to Rumia's legs, but she flew up in the air. Awww crap, I forgot I can't fly.

Rumia started releasing bullets everywhere, making me run around in a zig-zaggy motion. Serpentine! Serpentine! Serpentine! Finally, I got tired of dodging, and I threw my sword at Rumia. She was surprised by this action and before she could even think about dodging, it impaled her in the shoulder.

Rumia winced in pain. "Gah! No fair, no throwing weapons!"

Dan smiled evilly. "Sorry kid, I'm just trying to survive."

Rumia took the sword out of her shoulder. She winced in pain once again, and then threw it away. "Is that so? Well, now you don't have your weapon."

Crap, she's right.

She took out a card "moon sign: moonlight ray!"

Suddenly, two lasers spread out on either side of me, as Rumia started shooting Bullets at him. I was hit by one orb of danmaku. I cried out "ugh, ugh, ow, SH*T! **** THE **** **** WITH THEIR GODDAMN **** RIGHT UP THEIR **** WHILE **** EACH this goes on for awhile **** AND **** THEIR MOTHERS TOO! I'M GETTING FED UP WITH THIS CRAP!" I pulled out his 9mm pistol, and loaded a clip into it.

Let's see how you like silver bullets! I aimed the gun at Rumia, and shot her 3 times. The first bullet went into her other shoulder; the other two hit her in the stomach.

"Owwwww, why… would you do that?" Rumia said, as she started losing consciousness.

I scoffed at her. "You piss me off, your finished bitch"

I held up the gun to her forehead, and just as he was about to pull the trigger, Matt walked into the clearing, and saw what was going on immediately. "Dan! Stop!"


I looked around, and saw Matt had returned with a dead… whatever that is. "What did I say about killing things?" Matt said with a firm voice

"To not to." I grumbled

I put on the most disappointed face ever.

As I lowered the gun, Rumia slipped out of consciousness "is… that… so…"

To be continued

[AN]: So, what do you think? I didn't portray Rumia as fanon usually portrays her. Also, yes, Dan is a psychopath, and yes, he is a pyromaniac. As you can see, I'm not the most skilled writer. Thank you, and please review.

Edit: YESH! I have finally gotten off my arse, and gotten around to editing this. bout' time too. anyway, I might go back and do this for all the chapters in arc 1.