A/N: My first attempt in the Haven fandom. Inspired by 2x12, "Sins of the Fathers"; I just couldn't resist when I thought about how Nathan would deal post-heat of the moment.
As always, much love to my readers/reviewers!
There comes a point
(after the anger and the desperation and the 'what did you do to her, where is she?')
when he has to stop.
(He can't spend all night and all day tearing the town apart endlessly.)
There comes a point when the sun sets and everyone goes home and the investigation has to be paused until tomorrow
(and it doesn't matter if he has no home to go to because she is missing and she is waiting for him to find her and please-God-don't-let-me-be-too-late)
And all that is left is heavy, smothering sadness, suffocating
(and silence; Audrey is always chattering on or texting about nothing)
And suddenly this is everything
And it is all he can do
(and it takes all he has left)
to maintain his dignity long enough to take haven inside the four walls of his home but it is not enough
(there is not enough left for fury and too much left for sorrow and he is so, so empty)
and he can't find peace, he can't find 'pause' until the workday starts tomorrow
(because this isn't work, this is his life, this is everything)
And he only resists putting his hand through the wall because he can hear her in his head
("Just because you can't feel it doesn't mean you aren't injured.")
And he should eat
(But how can he eat? Is she eating? Where is she?)
And he should sleep because he is no use to her exhausted and delusional but his mind is still searching the rooms of her apartment for a clue and he can't—can't stay here where it is choking, stifling, and so, so empty
So he gets in his truck
(and this is a mistake because her damn hair clip is hanging from his rear view and her corduroy jacket is draped across her side of the bench seat because, "It's hot, Nathan. Your shirt agrees with me.")
And he doesn't know where he's going till he gets there
(outside the Grey Gull like it was his plan all along; parked in his usual spot)
And he thinks, maybe he'll throw up,
as he jogs up the familiar wooden steps to her front door,
and he thinks, he's not sure if he should feel it,
the knotting, the cramping in his stomach
and the rest of him is numb, numb, numb
And there is crime scene tape and evidence markers and broken dishes
("Get out," he'd told them, when all the pictures were taken and the statements recorded, "Get out, leave it and get out!")
And he walks in like he belongs
(and he doesn't care about rules or procedure and he knows he isn't supposed to be here)
but he has to be.
And he wants her to be there
(to walk around the corner untouched and unscathed and, "Surprise! Gotcha, Nathan. Oh, so serious.")
And something in him dies when he finds silence
(the part that started to believe in magic and miracles and hope and happily-ever-after since Audrey started solving cases and mending families and fixing him)
And he has no answers.
And no partner suggesting crazy ideas in his ear.
(He is not sure which will destroy him first.)
He is lost.
(little boy lost)
And he wants his father, someone, anyone, to tell him what to do, what is next, how do you handle this, he wants help
(he is alone again, he is always alone, he doesn't want to be alone again, he wants her back)
He takes off his boots and he can't feel the carpet between his toes.
And when he wakes up on her couch he swears he can see her, feel her,
(I feel the beating of your heart; I see the shadows of your face)
she is right there,
(but he is only dreaming)
And he breaks.
He cries, cries until he can't breathe, and his throat burns, and his eyes are half-open, and he's clutching the afghan that smells like her like it is keeping his head above water
And he whispers her name like a plea, a prayer
And for a little while he is begging,
(because there is no one here to see and he isn't too proud to beg)
begging whichever higher power is still listening
(he'll give up every last drop of dignity if she comes home)
Later, at night, he sounds like a wounded animal, keening against the sharp teeth of a trap,
And Duke's heart breaks for the man upstairs who feels everything tonight.
He places his hand on the wall and closes his eyes and wishes
(just this once)
for Nathan to find blissful insensate oblivion.
Upstairs, Nathan stares at the UMaine mug making a ring on her coffee table
(just know that wherever you are)
And finally, as the sun peeks over the bay,
Audrey's voicemail plays her recorded message
(he hears her, one more time, he can hear her)
And he sleeps.
(I miss you. And I wish you were here.)
A/N: Music credit goes to "From Where You Are" by Lifehouse. Killer song.
I can only hope I didn't butcher the characters too badly. ;p A few more Haven pieces in the works! Waiting impatiently for 2x13…And fingers crossed for S3!
As always, comments/reviews are welcome!