A/N: I am so sorry for the gaps in uploading. I have been busy at work and not able to be at a computer as often as I use to be. I hope this makes up for the lapse in updates. As always reviews are welcomed.
Alex smiled as she leaned against the wall watching the love of her life. Since she came back this had become a nightly routine for her. Every night on her way home she would stop by the 16 and watch Olivia for about twenty minutes. Then she would leave and head home to an empty apartment and cry herself to sleep. Tonight she hoped it would be different. Tonight with any luck after explaining everything and a lot of begging for forgiveness it would be different.
Olivia looked up and felt every muscle in her body tense up when she heard that familiar clicking of heels on the tile floor. For years she could hear that sound in her sleep. She would remember how she turned around and would be staring into crystal blue eyes filled with love just for her. How it made her feel like there was no one else on earth but her. She took a deep breath making sure she was composed and had masked her feelings before turning around.
"Working late tonight counselor?"
"No detective." Alex almost muttered taken back by the business tone Olivia was using "I was hoping to talk to you."
"Everything I know is in the case files I had Elliot drop by earlier.'
"This isn't about the case." Alex said as she propped herself against Olivia's desk like she had done a million times before. It had almost became second nature to her.
"Then what is it?"
"It's about us."
"There is no us." Olivia growled out as she jumped to her feet "You made that plain and clear when you returned from witsec."
"What I made was a mistake. A foolish one at that."
"You know what Alexandra I don't have time for this." She said as she grabbed her coat and slung it on her body "I'm late getting home."
"Make time for it."
"Why so you can rub it in my face. Point out how being with me was just a phase. I think you proved that point when you got engaged to Robert. There's no need to put words to it Alex. I get I was used. I was a play toy for you to experiment with. Its fine. That's the past and I've moved on. If you're here to apologize don't bother I came to terms with it a long time ago."
"Oh really? Are you so sure about that.' Alex almost shouted stalking after Olivia "Then why did you take an undercover assignment clear across the US with the FBI. One that took you away from the one thing you loved in life besides me. Tell me that. Why did you come close to accepting a job there so you wouldn't have to face the memories of us here. It had nothing to do with coming to terms. You never came to terms.'
"YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING." Olivia screamed inches from Alex's face.
Alex could see how hard Olivia was fighting to hold back the tears. How she was determined to remain in different to her. Alex was just as determined to make her open up to her. To break through the ever famous Benson wall.
"I know what its like to not be able to be with the person you love. I know what its like to sit and wonder night after night how they are. What are they doing? Hoping and praying that the person they are with is treating them the way they deserve. Most importantly I know how it feels to be away from the one you're meant to be with."
"Then I suggest you hurry home to ROBERT wouldn't want him to get suspicious. God forbid if mister society found out about your lesbian experiments with the blue collar detective."
That was enough for Alex she grabbed Olivia by the arm pulling her to her before backing her against the wall. She made sure that Olivia's eyes was locked with hers before she spoke, softly, clearly, and slowly.
"There is no Robert and there hasn't been for almost two years now. He deserved someone who loved him and be the wife he needed them to be. Someone who could give their heart to him. Not someone whose heart already belonged to someone else. A heart that had belonged to you since the day I walked into the precinct. He knows about us. I explained everything to him when I told him I couldn't marry him because I didn't love him. That I loved you and wanted, still want, only you. I was deeply sorry for the pain I had caused him."
Alex stopped long enough to see if what she was saying was registering. The softening in her eyes told her that it was. She figured she better get out everything before Olivia decided to run.
"I didn't contact you when I came back because I figured you had moved on. The last thing I wanted to do was to cause any problems in your current relationship. I would rather be miserable for the rest of my life just so you would have a smile on your face. When you reached out to me I thought you were just doing what you felt obligated to do. At that moment in my life I couldn't handle knowing or shall I say conformation of the fact that you had moved on. I was hanging on by a thread as it was. So I chose to ignore you. I was wrong for that. Believe me I will forever be kicking myself in the ass for that. Had I reached out we wouldn't be where we are right now. But my stupidity wait let me put it to you as Elliot did. I was being the self centered bitch that I was before we got together keep us apart."
"What I'm just suppose to forget the last few years and fall right back in bed with you." Olivia asked as she shook free of Alex's grip and headed for the stairs. "news flash Alex it doesn't, can't, and won't happen like that so if you came here for some fairytale ending its not happening. If there's one thing I've learned over the last few years there's no such things as happy endings and you can thank yourself for that. Congratulations."