(A.N) I was playing "Destroy All Humans!: Path of the Furon" once and came across something in Belleville that planted this idea into my brain. Well, here goes something!
Disclaimer: Destroy All Humans! does not belong to me, nor does anything else i mention here.
Cryptosporidium 139: The Furon who had brought down Majestic, The Blisk, Colonel Kluckin, AND The freakin' Furon Emperor over the course of thirty years, was finally-in 2011-relaxing and taking a break. He needed it after all the crap he had been through.
The Furon was currently occupying an apartment in Belleville, France. Crypto lay back against the squeeky, broken matress, a remote control in his hand. He flicked through the channels, finding nothing of intrest. Even his new favorite show wasn't on! And that was on nearly every day!
Rising up from the broken bed-and listening to the "squeek!" of the bed finally relaxing as he did so, the furon walked out onto his balcony and looked out at the city of lights. He sighed, he was just so bored! Not bored of killing humans, mind you, just bored in general. He went back into the room briefly and retrieved a small floating hologram unit before exiting back onto the balcony. Switching the unit on, a hologram resembling Crypto's friend and former boss appeared.
The hologram-HoloPox-replied. "Hello, Crypto. How are things since Menengitus?".
"Things have been alright" Crypto engaged the conversation. "Humans are still evolving.. somewhat. Their brains are still alright, i should know!" the Furon laughed for a second. "Anyway, has rulling Furon turned out like you thought it would?".
"Well, i do love ruling everything and having everyone obey me" Pox said "But.. i'm having this problem.. with my body! I keep scratching my posterior while i'm trying to give speeches! It's really distracting!"
Crypto smirked "For you or for the Furon females?".
"Shut up, Crypto!" the hologram shouted as laud as it's unit would allow, which was not very loud. Crypto only laughed. "Where are you right now?" came Pox again.
"I'm taking some time off in Belleville" the Furon replied "I had a feeling i need it after everything".
"Ah, i see" HoloPox said. "So, how are you spendind this "time off"?"
"Being bored and talkin' to you!" Crypto exclaimed. "I'm serious Pox. Everyone says that there's always something to do in France, but there is nothing! Outside of zapping and disintegrating useless monkeys, of course".
The Emperor pondered the French attractions. "You could visit the art galleries, the ones that you didn't blow up. If there are any!".
The Furon warrior quickly shrugged this idea off. "Nah! It's no fun to look at non-moving naked ladies. I prefer the ones that move. And do things. Ya know?".
"I wish i didn't!" came the cry of HoloPox.
"Ya missin out, man" Crypto told him. His mind was deep in thought of what he could be doing right now. What stood out in France? What was the one thing people thought about when they thought of France?
And then it hit him. He knew what he was thinking about. And he had a good idea about what he could do with it..
"Got an idea!" Crypto cried, shocking Pox. "Pox, i think i know what to do!".
"What now, Crypto?" the hologram asked, annoyed at the sudden shock. "After that, now what do you have planned?".
Crypto began to explain. "I was just thinkin' of the most famous French landmarks, the things that this place is known for. And then i though back to my favorite show, in particular, the episodes involving a particular landmark..".
The two furons looked into the distance and soon saw a giant tower decorated with lights. "The Eiffel Tower!" they both shouted. "Perfect!" Pox said. "A well known landmark! For us to destroy! What do you have planned Crypto?" the hologram looked at the warrior "Death Ray? Quantum Deconstructor? Or maybe you plan to sweep it away with your Tornadotron!".
"Let's climb it!".
Pox looked dumbfounded. "What?".
Crypto smiled. "I said, let's climb it! Let's see if we can climb up the Eiffel Tower! See how high up we can go!".
"You.. you don't want to destroy it?" the hologram pondered. "You want to.. climb it?".
The Furon warrior nodded.
Pox went silent for a moment, then snapped back. "Why the hell would you want to do that?".
Crypto explained. "I heard it mentioned on my favorite show!" Pox looked confused for a second, then quickly realised his friend's meaning. "Oh Arkvoodle, Crypto! You've been watching earth T.V. again, haven't you?". The furon nodded, a smile on his face. HoloPox groaned "Alright, Crypto. What have you been watching to inspire such a ludicrius idea?".
"It's an animation, Pox!" the warrior told his ally. "It's about these two earth children who make these impossible inventions so they can.. "Sieze the day" or some shit like that. It's actually pretty good! You should check it out!".
"I'd rather not" Pox said. "Anyway, tell me. How did this animation convince you to want to climb up the Eiffel Tower?"
"It's mentioned in every episode as part of the opening theme song. One of the lyrics goes "Building a rocket, or fighting a mummy, or climbing up the Eiffel Tower!"" Crypto explained again. "I checked out the show and not one freakin' episode involves the earth children actually climbing up that tower! Hell, they were in France at one point! They should have done it then!" the alien ranted. "But that chick had to sing, didn't she?".
HoloPox replied to his friends rant. "I honestly have no idea what you're going on about, but i feel that if this was in our last video-game adventure we'd get sued!"
"Good thing the author put a disclaimer at the top there! He really needs to do that more!" Crypto commented. "Anyway, since the earth children haven't done it yet, i figured i might as well! I've got a jetpack! I'll do it!".
"Sometimes i feel your brain degrades constently the longer you watch that infernal box" the hologram said "but alright. If it gives you something to do.. Let's see how high you can climb that Eiffel Tower".
"Yeah!" Crypto pumped his fist. "Come on, Pox! We're gonna do some climbing!".
The walk from the apartment to the Eiffel Tower itself was long.. and tireing! But not complicated, as might a normal trip down the street for an alien and a hologram. For some reason which Crypto didn't care about, the beret on his head was keeping people from noticing him. "No wonder that earth chick on the show wanted one! These things practically make you invisible!".
"You know, Crypto" Pox spoke up. "I think i actually want to see you do this! I'm kind of curious as to how high the developers of this game world will let you go!".
"Yeah, yeah, yeah.." Crypto droned, not really paying attention to HoloPox. "Alright! Attempt one!" he declared once they had reached the tower itself. He jumped into the air and mentally activated his jetpack. He concentrated his fight upwards, paying attention as to how high he was going. Unfortunately, he didn't get that high. The jetpack died out on him when he was a bit above the first platform. Crypto fell to the ground, using what remained of his jetpack power to provide a gentle decent.
When he landed, Pox mocked him. "Did you honestly think that you could climb this thing with jetpack alone? It doesn't work that way! In any of our games!". The hologram let out a mechanical laugh, which annoyed the warrior. Crypto froze time so he wouldn't have to listen to it anymore. While time was frozen, he considered his ally's words. He was right, the mechanics of his jetpack would not allow him to climb something as high as the Eiffel Tower.
"Guess i'm gonna have to do this in floors". Crypto decided his strategy. As time unfroze, He activated his recharged jetpack and flew up again, hearing Pox's droning laugh die out from behind him. He flew to the first platform, then rested to allow his jetpack to charge up. He soon flew up again to the second floor, placing a hand on his head to protect his beret.
By now Pox had stopped laughing and was shocked to find that Crypto was now back on the tower! "He froze me again!". Though he was mentally a bit pissed off now, he continued to observe the antics of his former partner. "Does watching earth T.V. make everyone want to do things like this?".
Landing on the second platform of the tower, Crypto smiled. He might actually be able to do this! He took off again, aiming for the top. He was about halfway to the top when his jetpack died out again. "Oh, come on! No!" the Furon shouted as he began to fall again. In desperation he fell into the invisible wall of the tower itself to slow his fall.
From ground level, Pox's holographic eyes widened, "Glitch!" he exclaimed "glitch! When will the programmers learn!".
As the warrior neared the second floor of the Eiffel Tower, Crypto jumped off of it and activated the jetpack. To his suprize it was fully charged again! "Maybe i can use this.." he grinned. When he was ready, he flew upwards. Again at halfway-point, the jetpack died and Crypto hugged the invisible wall. As he slid down, his jetpack was recharging! He jumped off and started to fly again, abusing this glitch and getting ever-closer to the top of the tower.
"Great Arkvoodle!" Pox cried out "He might actually do it!".
"Almost.. there!" Crypto groaned as he slid down the wall again. One more flight should do it, and Crypto would have climbed the Eiffel Tower! He jumped off, flew up..
..and hit his head on a blue force-field.
"What the hell?" Crypto shouted. The force-field was just below the top of the tower and right now, the Furon warrior was flying into it until his jetpack died again, for the zillionth time. He tried to break the force-field but to no avail. He wished he had brought his Ion Detenator..
Eventually, Crypto decended back to ground level where HoloPox was waiting for him. "I thought they might put something like that in" the holographic Emperor deduced. "The developers must have installed another wall to keep players from attaining great heights. The Unreal engine must not be able to handle heights like those of the Eiffel Tower".
Angered, Crypto threw his beret onto the floor. "Son of a bitch!" he shouted "they didn't have this on the show! In one episode, they built a building so tall, it went into freakin' space!". His cry was suddenly met with the screams of several french as the fleed the scene. Crypto sighed.
"Welp, i guess i'll just have to wait for the episode where the earth children do climb that goddamn tower". The Furon cracked his knuckles "til, then.. Time to get back to what i'm good at! Might as well, seeing as how the stories gonna end here". He shut off HoloPox and pocketed him, then pulled out his Disintigrator Ray and got to blastin!
(A.N) Little random piece here. How was it? Was Crypto in-character at least?