Huge thanks for Karenec for pre-reading and Kherisma for beta-ing!

This one-shot is loosely based off of notebooks my best friend and I had in high school.

Enjoy!


April 20, 2010

Alice,

I feel like such a failure. I can't even get a single guy interested in me. And before you mention Eric, he sooo doesn't count. Just because he accidentally saw me topless doesn't mean he's in love with me. And besides, Eric? Eww. I'd like to think I could do better than that. Jasper swears he knows a guy who would be perfect for me. I'm kind of squicked out at the idea of a blind date, but from what he describes the guy sounds absolutely gorgeous. Either Jasper really knows my type, or he's not into girls himself…Sorry, Al, I know you're pining for Jasper, but either he's half in love with Edward himself or he really wants us to get together.

Tall, thin, toned, green eyes, crooked smile? Can we say my type? I dunno, I'm just nervous. How is it possible that I made it to eighteen without ever having gone on a date? I'm so lame…So, I dunno, what do you think? Do I dare let him set me up with Edward? What's the worst that could happen? I could have a lame date that we get to laugh about after. Or maybe I'll be surprised and he'll be the love of my life. Ha! Yeah right. I think the best I can hope for is that we'll hit it off well enough that he'll want to make out. It's so sad, but I'd be totally thrilled by that. Sometimes I just feel so alone, you know?

I'm so happy for Rose and Emmett but some days it's just so damn hard. I see them together and I want that so bad. They're so happy together and I see the way he looks at her, like the sun rises and sets with her. -swoons- My mom tells me to be patient and that "it'll happen". What does she know? She met my dad when she was sixteen. I'm just so tired of feeling like there's something wrong with me. Fuck it, I'm telling Jasper yes.

~Bella

April 21, 2010

Bella,

That is not even funny! Jasper is not gay. He's just…shy. Okay, shy is probably the last thing Jasper is. Crap. I don't know. But he's not gay. I firmly believe Jasper Whitlock is the love of my life. He will be mine, just you wait.

I totally think you should let him set you up with this Edward guy. He does sound exactly like your type. I can't wait to hear how it goes. You have to tell me everything.

I know what you mean about being lonely and feeling like there's something wrong with you. I feel the exact same way. I'm just tired of seeing girls like Jessica and Lauren with guys fawning all over them. They're not even that pretty. They just have big boobs and put out. Damn it, I'd put out given half the chance! If only Jasper would ask…

Anyway, I want to hear ALL about your date with Edward!

-Alice

April 21, 2010

Alice,

Holy shit! I'm writing this in Banner's class instead of taking notes but I couldn't wait another second to tell you. I talked to Jasper at lunch and he said Edward is totally psyched to meet me. Eeek! He's twenty-two. Charlie will kill me. I am so not mentioning the date to him. Besides, it's not technically a date, I'm just going to their work to hang out with Jasper and meet Edward. Right? Oh fuck, what do I wear? Help, Alice!

I am dying. I've never been so nervous about anything. What if he goes to kiss me and I throw up? Shit, that would be so embarrassing. Who knows if he'll even kiss me. I mean, maybe he won't even have a chance. It'll be kind of awkward meeting him in front of everyone who works there. Newton better not screw it up for me or I'll stab him with that stupid pencil he always sticks behind his ear. Oh my god, I am freaking out. Talk me down from the ledge, Alice or I'm going to be a total wreck tomorrow night.

~Bella

April 21, 2010

Bella,

Just after you passed me this notebook in the hall Jasper smiled and winked at me. I totally tripped over my own feet and nearly face planted, but it was after he had passed by me, so hopefully he didn't see. That would have been humiliating.

Take a deep breath, hun, I know things are going to go so well tomorrow. I'll come over tonight and help you pick out something hot to wear. You won't puke on him, and I'm sure you two will get at least a few minutes to talk alone. I bet he'll kiss you. You're so pretty, I know he won't be able to resist! And when you two hit it off you totally have to help me get Jasper. I can't believe Edward's twenty-two. Does the age thing bother you?

BTW, I'd totally pay to see you stab Newton. That would make my year!

-Alice

April 22, 2010

Ali,

He's so perfect. I can't even begin to tell you. I'm absolutely on cloud nine right now. I'm practically speechless. I was nervous when I drove to Newton's. I could feel my heart in my throat the whole time and I thought I'd pass out. I decided to go with the dark jeans and blue top you suggested. I'm glad you did, it was comfortable, but I felt pretty. I nixed the boots and went for my Chucks; I wanted to feel like myself. I did curl my hair and put on some makeup though, so I know you'll be proud of me. Even my mom commented that I looked nice. She looked confused when I said I was going to Newton's for a new water bottle, but she didn't question it.

I texted Jasper to let him know I was there and he met me outside and walked me in. I followed him into the break room and almost tripped over my own feet. Not that me tripping is unusual, but I've never done it over a guy. I think it's so funny that you do that all the time when you see Jasper.

He's gorgeous. Edward, not Jasper. He was leaning against the wall talking to Mike and oh, my god…he was so unbelievably hot. Jasper was right. He has this crazy hair; I don't even know how to describe it. Sort of a cross between bronze and copper maybe? And it looked like he'd just rolled out of bed, all messy and finger tousled. Gah. He has these incredibly long eyelashes and really high cheekbones. You know what a sucker I am for cheekbones. His lips are almost pouty, he has this sharp jaw line, and god…he's just about fucking perfect. We both stood there for what felt like forever, staring at each other. I can't even believe it. I always thought it was a total cliché but it was really like the whole rest of the world disappeared when our eyes met.

So, he was wearing jeans and the Newton Outfitters polo…not the sexiest outfit either, or at least I hadn't thought so till now. I'm pretty sure he could make a paper bag look hot though. He has this lean, lanky swimmer's body. Even through the polo, I could see how fit he was. The things running through my mind…uhhh, let me tell you, so not fit to write down in this notebook.

Of course, Mike ruined the moment. He came over and started yammering at me about something or other. I wanted to make him shut up so I could just stand there and look at the pretty. –sighs- Stupid Mike. I talked to him for a few minutes but I couldn't resist sneaking glances at Edward. He kept looking over at me, too. I got this fluttery feeling in my chest. I've never felt it before. Mike was called to the register after that and I got to hang out with the guys in the back. I guess they were doing inventory in the stockroom so I sat there while they did their work. Jasper 'officially' introduced Edward and I and of course, I turned bright red and stammered, but he didn't seem to mind. We talked for a little bit; he's really into music so we had a lot in common there. It wasn't as awkward as I expected. It was like hanging out with Jasper. Or at least a Jasper I have the overwhelming urge to make out with. When work was over, the three of us stood talking in the parking lot for a while. Jasper left, but not before giving me a hug and whispering in my ear that he thought Edward really liked me. It was kind of awkward at first, once it was just the two of us. He spent a lot of time looking down at the ground and shuffling his feet, it was kind of cute actually. But when he looked up at me and asked me if I wanted to get a bite to eat I was so happy. We walked over to the diner and he held the door for me. It seemed so formal, and sweet that I couldn't help but blush.

We talked a lot while we waited for our food. He got a burger and fries, and I just had a shake. I told him I wasn't very hungry, because I'd already had dinner and he gave me this look like he didn't believe me. I laughed, because I knew he was thinking I was some girl worried about eating too much in front of a guy, or getting fat. I told him that I'd had steak and a baked potato for dinner with my parents before I went over to Newton's, and that if he hadn't noticed I had a peanut butter chocolate shake in front of me that I was in the process of devouring. I told him if I'd been one of those girls I'd have been picking at a salad and drinking water. He gave me this cute, really wry smile and admitted he was glad to hear it. After I snuck a few fries off his plate he laughed and swatted my hand away playfully, calling me a mooch. I offered him a sip of my shake as re-payment and he took it. I swear, Alice, I almost leaped over the table when I saw his tongue lick at the straw. Guhh. Unbelievable. We found plenty to talk about while we ate and he paid for dinner. I offered to pay for my shake but he gave me a very scathing look and told me that even if it hadn't been a very good date, it was still a date and he wasn't about to let me pay. Uhh, so adorable.

He walked me to my truck and we stood there for at least an hour talking. There was this weird nervous tension in the air and I wanted him to kiss me so bad. He asked me out on another date and I almost squealed out loud. I said yes, of course. –laughs- I'd be an idiot not to, but he seemed relieved, like he was worried I'd say no. It was getting really late and I was afraid Charlie was going to freak. So, I told him I had to go. He looked really disappointed. I told him I had a great time and that I was looking forward to seeing him again. He kind of leaned toward me and I swear, I thought my heart was going to leap right out of my chest. All of a sudden, I could feel his lips on mine and they were so soft and gentle. God, it was so amazing. It was so much better than any other kiss I've ever had. Then again, all of them that I've had were stupid dares at parties, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. He wanted to kiss me. Eee! It was perfect. Just this short, sweet kiss. His hand brushed my cheek before he pulled away and he gave me this absolutely breathtaking smile and said goodnight.

I swear, Alice, I actually floated home. I barely even remember getting in the truck and driving. I know I said something to my mom when I got home, but I don't even remember what it was. It's been hours and I can still feel his lips on mine. The minute I got up to my room I texted you, but you must have been asleep already so I wrote this. I don't want to forget a single second of tonight.

~Bella

April 25, 2010

Bella,

Squee! I am so happy for you. I know we already rehashed everything on the phone, but I had to write it in here, too.

I had a feeling Jasper was right about you two. Do you need help figuring out what to wear for the second date? Oooh, what are you guys doing for your date? Did he get your number or are you still emailing? I think it's sweet that he's been sending you links to YouTube for music videos he digs. I mean, it's just nice that he's thinking about you and wanting to share things he's into.

I just know that Jasper and I would be perfect together if only he'd realize I was anything more than a little girl. Ugh, I know I'm not built like Rose, or even you, but damn it, is it really that impossible for him to see me as a girl he might be interested in? I'd wear a fucking padded bra if I thought it would get his attention but then he'd be disappointed when he got it off and saw my pathetic little boobies. I wish my mom wasn't such a pain in the ass about letting me go on the pill. I've heard tons of girls say they got bigger boobs when they went on it.

-Alice

April 26, 2010

Alice,

Don't be sad, Ali cat. I'm sure we can come up with a way to make Jasper see what utter hotness you have to offer. You could always flash him your boobies. I'm pretty sure he'll think that's hot, even if you aren't Rose sized. -grins- Yeah, I'm bad. I know. And don't go on the pill just for that. If Jasper is into you, he'll be into you no matter what your cup size is.

Edward and I are going to a movie for our second date. There's a showing of The Exorcist in Port Angeles. I can't wait for him to kiss me again. We're emailing and he got my number. We usually send a couple of emails a day. I'm trying not to go all insane and over-do it, but it's tempting. I really want to get to know him better. We talked on the phone last night. He called me, and we talked for over an hour. He didn't sound like he wanted to hang up, but he kept yawning. It was so cute. He apologized about seventeen times, but said he'd had the opening shift at work that morning and then had worked an extra couple of hours because Tyler called in sick. He told me more about why he's working at Newton's. I guess his mom got really sick his senior year of high school. Aplastic Anemia. I had no idea what that was really but I guess it's a fairly rare disease. It took them forever to figure out what was wrong with her. He was supposed to go to school that fall but he decided to stay home to help take care of her.

Apparently, they moved to Washington from Chicago two years ago, his dad wanted to open his own practice instead of being an attending at a huge hospital in Chicago. He wanted something smaller and less demanding so he could be with Edward's mom and take care of her. She was doing really well at first but it sounds like she's having problems again. She's on the list to get a bone marrow transplant. Scary stuff.

I think it's sweet that he wanted to stay home with her. Edward I mean, although it's sweet of his dad, too. He sounded a little apologetic for not having a better job and not being in school, like I wouldn't think he was good enough. He assured me he was just working there for a while until his mom was doing better and then he'd start school. I tried to reassure him that I didn't think any less of him for delaying school, especially because of the reasons he had, but I think he's still a little worried.

He said he'd try to call again tonight, but he wasn't sure what time he'd be done. He was taking his mom into Seattle for a doctor's appointment and then he wanted to take her out to dinner if she was feeling up to it. He's so sweet it completely blows me away.

~Bella

April 27, 2010

Bella,

You're right about Jasper. I just get so frustrated. I feel like I have to do something drastic or he's always going to think of me of the little girl who used to follow him around on the playground. Okay, maybe I still follow him around, but I'm not a little girl anymore. I really care about him. We're not as close of friends as the two of you are, but I know we'd be good together.

That's so sad about Edward's mom. He is really sweet. I was wondering why he was twenty-two and still working at Newton's in this bumfuck little town, but that totally makes sense that he would stay to help out. It sounds like you're hitting it off really well. And I can tell how much he likes you. I mean, he wouldn't even care what you thought about his job if he didn't really want things to go somewhere.

-Alice

April 29, 2010

Alice,

The date was amazing. He showed up in dark jeans and a black T-shirt with a black leather jacket. I swear he looked like he was channeling James Dean. Hot. So, he picked me up and, thankfully, Charlie wasn't home, I seriously wasn't ready to have him have to deal with that on our second date. My mom met him, but she was pretty laid back. Just said hi and talked to him for a couple of minutes before we left. He opened the car door for me and when we were both in the car and turned to look at each other, it was completely electric. We both just stared at each other for a while and then he leaned forward and gave me another one of those slow, sweet kisses. I get goose bumps just thinking about it. We had fun talking on the ride there, and even though his car is a manual, we held hands. He used my hand to shift and gah…there was something seriously hot about it. We listened to music the whole time and it was just so perfect.

He got us popcorn and drinks. You should have seen the smile on his face when I said that root beer is my favorite. I guess it's his favorite, too, so he just got a big cup for us to share. I may or may not have done vaguely obscene things to the straw just to tease him…he gave me this absolutely smoldering look that left me completely turned on. He was so psyched that I was into horror movies; he said he hardly ever meets girls who are into them. We kind of talked a little about relationships before the movie started. I guess he got out of a bad relationship a while ago and he admitted she had kind of fucked him up about them. He said he hadn't really dated since, but he really liked me. I swear it was the best feeling in the world. I was just about to admit my lack of anything resembling a relationship when the previews started. I was kind of relieved, but at the same time I have to tell him before it gets too far. We held hands during the movie for a while and then he moved the armrest up so he could hold me. I can't even begin to describe how amazing it was. He was so warm and he smells amazing. It's a good thing I've seen the movie before because I swear I paid no attention to it at all.
His arms are really strong and he kept kissing the top of my head.

I really didn't want to get up when the movie was over, but I didn't really have a choice. He looked as reluctant as I felt though, so that was nice. He kissed me in the parking lot of the movie theater, up against his car. It was an amazing kiss, but this time it wasn't slow or sweet.

It was so incredibly hot. Jesus, Alice, his tongue is amazing and when he pulled me against him…let's just say I'm feeling pretty good about how he feels about me. The feeling is definitely mutual. He has the softest, most amazing hair. If I could spend the rest of forever with my hands buried in it kissing him I would. The kiss got really hot, really fast but he pulled back and apologized. I told him he had nothing to apologize for, that I had no complaints. He brushed his thumb across my lip and said that he had no complaints either, but that he didn't want to rush things. So help me, Alice…I want to rush things. A hot kiss in the parking lot is so not enough. I'm pretty sure I have a ruined pair of panties because of it…

We got in the car and he asked if I wanted to do something else with him. I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling him what I wanted…but I knew that wasn't what he meant. I said sure, and he asked if it was okay if he surprised me with what we did next. I told him sure and he gave me this cocky little grin. I'm pretty sure that's when my panties got demolished. So bad.

Especially because I think he knows just what kind of an effect he's having on me. The surprise turned out to be ice cream, which was actually really awesome. He looked a little sheepish, and said he knew it wasn't that big of a deal, but it was his favorite place to go. I told him it was perfect and he looked really pleased. I got chocolate raspberry truffle ice cream, which was absolutely killer. Chocolate ice cream, with ribbons of raspberry and mini chocolate raspberry truffles. I think I died and went to heaven. He got key-lime pie ice cream, which was yummy, too. He fed me a bite, and I pretty much lost it when I watched him lick the ice cream cone. Oh boy. I paid him back with my little spoon trick. It's not my fault I like to flip the spoon over to lick all of the ice cream off. I actually almost made him drop his cone. We sat there for a while after we finished and talked more. I really like him, Al. I mean really, really like him. It's kind of scary but exciting at the same time.

Charlie was home when he dropped me off so we couldn't do much. –pouts- I wanted to so bad…I told Edward to text me when he got back to his house and he did. I ended up calling him and we talked more. It was so amazing. He poured his heart out. About his mom, and how scared he was that he was going to lose her to this illness. He's just completely amazing, Alice. I'm falling for him so hard.

~Bella

May 1, 2010

Bella,

Your date sounds perfect and Edward does sound completely amazing. I'd really like to meet him sometime!

Your little ice cream trick is killer. It gets me all hot and bothered and I'm not even into that sort of thing. ) I'm so happy for you that it's going so well.

I'm totally jealous of you right now. I want that with Jasper. I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I wonder if I should just give up and try to move on to someone else. But the idea of being with anyone but Jasper is completely bizarre to me. I can't picture being with anyone else, you know? I guess I only have a few months until we all go our separate ways anyway.

Jasper will be in Portland and you and I will be in Seattle. I'm excited to graduate, but I always had this idea in my head that Jasper and I would be together by the end of Senior year. It just…sucks. Sorry, I am really excited for you, I'm just kind of feeling down in the dumps.
-Alice

May 2, 2010

Alice,

Arrgh, I am so mad at Charlie. I told him about Edward and he went all parental on me. He didn't love the age difference, although I expected that. I mean it's fine that he wanted to know a little bit about him, but he got this really disapproving look on his face when I said that he wasn't in school and that he was working at Newton's. I yelled at him for being a judgmental jerk and that he might actually want to listen to the reasons. I never would have pegged Charlie for a snob, but I guess he is. I stormed off to my room and we didn't talk at all yet today. Mom tried to smooth things over, but I refuse to talk to him until he admits he was being unreasonable.

I am so sorry you're feeling down. I've been trying to hint to Jasper that the perfect girl for him might be right under his nose. But he's being a boy and is completely oblivious. It's like it's going in one ear and out the other without registering in his brain! I'll keep trying though.

Worst-case scenario, we get him drunk and you kiss him senseless until he realizes what he's missing out on!
~Bella

May 3, 2010

Bella,

Much as I love your scheming to get Jasper and met together I'm pretty sure I don't want to start a relationship with him drunk and forced to kiss me. Tempting as the idea is… Keep talking to him though and I'll try to hold onto my faith that things will work out for us.

Charlie is being dumb. I can't believe he wouldn't even listen to your explanation. I'm sure if he met Edward he'd like him. Speaking of which, I still want to meet your pretty little boy-toy, missy! I can live vicariously through you if I can't get any myself. Jealous! Love you though, and I am so happy for you.

-Alice

May 5, 2010

Alice,

Well, Charlie apologized for jumping to conclusions about Edward. I told him he should at least meet him and give him a chance before he made up his mind about him. And that he had to be polite. He said he would, so we'll see. I told him about what was going on with Edward's family. He admitted he had been kind of out of line, and that it was a stand-up thing to do. He said he was just worried about Edward being good for me. I pointed out that Edward was exactly the kind of guy he should think was good for me. Kind, thoughtful, caring, and responsible. He also admitted that he didn't like the idea of me growing up, but that he trusted my judgment. Edward and I have a date tomorrow and Charlie said he'd be on his best behavior when he met him.

Fine, I won't tie Jasper up and let you have your way with him. You are just no fun, Alice! I promise to tell you all about the date. I hope I'll have something new to report after. I sure as heck want to do more than just kiss him. God, just thinking about him makes my heart all fluttery and my palms sweat. Thanks for being so great about all of this. I'm sure you'll have tons to tell me when things work out for you and Jasper and I'll listen until my ears bleed! Smooches. I love you, too.

~Bella

May 6, 2010

Alice,

Sorry I didn't give you the notebook yesterday, I was all flustered about the date. I guess it worked out, because I have so much to tell you. I'm so confused, hurt, and disappointed. I was so psyched for our date this week. And it went so well at first. Charlie was better than I expected, polite to Edward and everything.

But he didn't kiss me when we got out to the car. We went back to his place, well, his parents' place. He actually lives in the room over the garage. It's kind of set up like a separate apartment, and he pays rent and everything. He apologized though for not having his own place. He looked embarrassed again. I feel like he thinks I'm going to look down on him because he doesn't have his life totally together yet. It's not like he's freeloading off his parents and not working. He works really hard, actually. I guess he's trying to get a bunch of hours at Newton's over the summer so he'll have enough for school in the fall, and he applied for a couple of scholarships. How could I look down on him for that?

We watched a movie, but he didn't hold me or anything. In fact, it was kind of weird and awkward. After it was over I scooted closer to him and went to kiss him but he pulled away. I felt like such an idiot. I told him maybe I should head home and I stood up to leave, but he gently pulled me back down. He said he wanted to talk to me about something. He said he really liked me, but that he wanted to be "just friends". It was like a slap in the face. He said he was totally fucked up by his ex-girlfriend Tanya, and he wasn't ready for a relationship yet. He said he wanted something with me, but he didn't want to screw it up, so he it would be better if we didn't date. That makes no sense to me at all. I just felt rejected…like I wasn't good enough for him to make an effort for. I really just wanted to cry, but I didn't want him to think that I was stupid and immature so I said that was fine, and that we could be friends. So we watched another movie before I went home, but I spent the entire time trying not to cry.

I just don't understand, I thought things were going so well between us. But I guess not. We hung out for a little bit, but it was awkward and I had him take me home after. We sat there in the car for a minute just staring at each other. He leaned in and for a moment, I thought maybe he'd changed his mind, but no…he gave me an awkward hug and I got out of the car. I made it in the house before I started to cry. Charlie freaked out at first, demanding to know what Edward did to upset me. I told him nothing, and he said he was sorry if he scared Edward off. I told Charlie that he just wanted to be friends and that I was disappointed, but that I'd be fine. And I will, I mean I guess I have to be right? I have to get over him. I just really thought it was going to go somewhere, you know? I guess I was wrong. I kinda feel like someone ripped out my heart and stomped on it. I didn't see any of this coming. He was so sweet and wonderful to me and it's like he just turned it all off. I feel like I'll never stop crying.

~Bella

May 8, 2010

Bella,

Aww, I am so sorry, hun. Jasper is so pissed at Edward. We went on a field trip for history today and he sat beside me on the bus. He spent the whole ride there fuming. He said he almost decked Edward. He can't figure out why he did it. He asked Edward why and he said Edward told him he felt shitty about the way it played out, but he knew he wasn't ready for a relationship. If it's any consolation, Edward never expected that you two would hit it off so well. He said what he felt for you was too intense, more than he could handle.

Honestly, that kind of sounds like a cop out to me. I mean, yeah, it's great that he really likes you, but he should man up. If he doesn't straighten up, I'll go after him with my sock 'o rocks. No one treats my best friend like that and gets away with it.

I didn't even really enjoy the bus ride next to Jasper the way I should have. I was so worried about you. Please, please don't beat yourself up over it. You had no way of knowing and you deserve much better. Edward Cullen is a jerk!

-Alice

May 12, 2010

Alice,

I guess I can only be so pissed. I get it, I mean, I think I do. And I'm glad to know he likes me a lot. But fuck…am I just supposed to sit around while he gets his shit together? No way. I refuse to be that girl. I'll get over his dumb ass eventually, right? I'm hurt and disappointed but I can move on. I'm going to try anyway.

It seems like you and Jasper have been talking more, so maybe if any good came from this, that's it. It would be worth it if it got you two together.

~Bella

May 14, 2010

Bella,

I am sorry you're hurting, but I think you've been incredibly strong. He doesn't deserve your awesomeness.

I don't think anything is really happening with Jasper. We've talked more, and hung out a little. But he hasn't even hinted at anything or made any sort of a move. It's so frustrating. Why do boys suck so much? I just want them to be straightforward.

-Alice

June 14, 2010

Alice,

I completely suck. I can't believe I've had this notebook for a month without writing anything. I'm a terrible friend, aren't I?

Seth asked me out today. I said yes. I mean, he's had a crush on me forever, and he's a nice guy. I don't get the crazy, fluttery feeling in my stomach when I'm around him, but he is really cute and I knew we'd have fun. I'm disappointed, he's not Edward, but I can't close myself off totally, you know? He invited me to a bonfire down at First Beach down at La Push.

The date went pretty well. Seth was really nice. We had dinner there at the beach, nothing fancy, but everyone grilled burgers and hot dogs, and brought side dishes. I felt bad that I didn't bring anything but he assured me it was fine. Sam played guitar and we all sat around the fire. Billy and Harry told a bunch of cool old stories, tribal legends and such. Seth put his arm around me after a while and it was nice. It got windy and he lent me his sweatshirt. I don't know when the last time you saw Seth was, but he's gotten huge. He's at least six-foot now and really built. His hair is short, too. It's cute, he looks good. After a while, he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk down the beach and I said yes. I had a feeling he wanted to kiss me, and he did. It was a good kiss. But not with the crazy, intense need there was with Edward. But Seth is a good kisser, and he makes me feel safe. I ended up on his lap and we made out for a while. It felt good to be wanted like that. I have a massive hickey on my chest but I kind of like it.

~Bella

June 15, 2010

Bella,

Holy cow! Major progress there. Seth is really sweet. He seems like a good choice. Maybe it's good that it isn't as intense as it was with Edward. Maybe feeling safe is what you're supposed to feel.

So I have to know, are we talking second base or third? So jealous. Maybe I should find myself a La Push boy! Jacob is pretty cute…yum, yum! I think I'm giving up on Jasper. He's hardly talked to me at all lately. Arrgh!

No worries on not writing, I understand if you didn't feel like it. It's not like we don't talk on the phone every day, anyway! My mom never gets that. She says we're the only people she knows who can spend all day together, talk on the phone when we're apart, and then still have things to talk about in the notebook. Clearly, she's never had a friend like you! There's always something to discuss. Parents just don't get it!

-Alice

June 18, 2010

Al,

Second base! Thank you; I'm not a complete gutter trollop. I can say this though, he has a rather sizeable package. ) And no, I just felt it through our clothes. He asked me out on another date and I said yes. I just think I need to see where this goes.

BTW, EWW on Jacob. He's like…my little brother. Dad and Harry are such good friends and I remember Mom giving him and me a bath together when we were like 4. I can't even think about you with him. You're both like siblings to me, and that's just gross. Go for Quil or Embry, they're almost as tall as Jake and Seth and totally cute.

~Bella

June 20, 2010

Bella,
Just checking. And if you were with Edward, you totally know you would have slept with him. Maybe I will think about Quil or Embry. They were pretty cute the last time I saw them. Kind of obnoxious though, but maybe they grew up, cause I don't remember them being that tall.

-Alice

June 22, 2010

Alice,

Yeah, I know I would have slept with Edward. But that's different. Seth and I went on a second date. Just a movie, but it was fun. He wanted to see a horror movie and I almost burst into tears remembering the movie Edward and I saw. I told him I didn't like them, and he looked surprised, but offered to go to the romantic comedy. Honestly, we didn't pay that much attention to it anyway.

We spent most of the time making out. He tasted like Dr. Pepper. I liked the taste of root beer on Edward's tongue better. But Seth is a pretty amazing kisser, I can't complain about that.

~Bella

June 23, 2010

Bella,

Naughty girl. Third base this time? Tell me all! And seriously, I'm coming with you to La Push. I need some action and if the wolf boys can provide, I am all for it. I think I'm going to frickin explode from frustration. You know that vibrator Rose gave me as a gag gift for my birthday this year? I totally broke it out. OMG, you have to get one, it was amazing. My parents were gone Friday night and I totally tried it out then. Frickin nuts. Maybe I'll forget real boys and just invest in a ton of batteries…

-Alice

June 25, 2010

Alice,

Not in the theater, but later in his car...yeah, he fingered me. I just kind of groped him through his jeans but I didn't actually give him head. It was pretty good actually. I mean, I have nothing to compare it to, but it was kind of amazing the way it made me feel after. All weak-kneed and relaxed. I could totally get addicted to the feeling.

Whatever on calling me a naughty girl, you're SO BAD. I can't believe you used Rose's gift. Did you tell her? She'll think it's hilarious. I am kind of tempted to get one, too, I've always been curious. And I'll definitely take you with me to the rez so you can find a wolf boy. What about Saturday?

~Bella

June 27, 2010

Bella,

What are you waiting for? I mean, do you want to give him head? I'm kind of freaked out by the idea, but totally curious, too, you know?

I am in for Saturday. I want to drink and kiss a cute boy! That's my goal. Jasper can go to hell.

-Alice

June 28, 2010

Alice,

I don't know actually. Third date? I am so excited you're coming with us on Saturday. Who do you have your sights on?

~Bella

June 29, 2010

Bella,

You nervous about it? Giving head, I mean. And I'm pretty much up for any cute single guy there! Being picky has gotten me nowhere. And they're all nice guys, I mean it's not like I have to worry about one of them being a total creeper.

-Alice

June 30, 2010

Alice,

Kind of. I mean I've never done it before and I don't want to suck at it. LOL. Pardon the pun. I'm just afraid I'll be bad at it, you know? Any tips?

~Bella

July 1, 2010

Bella,

How would I know? I've never done it either. Ask Rose.

-Alice

July 2, 2010

Alice,

I asked Rose. She said no teeth. And as long as I can manage that, he'd just be so happy to have a girl's mouth on him that he wouldn't care about technique. I hope she's right. Our third date is tomorrow...

~Bella

July 3, 2010

Bells,

How'd the date go? I am SO PSYCHED for the bonfire with the boys tomorrow. Yay!

-Alice

July 4, 2010

Alice,

It was good. We went on a hike and a picnic. Which led to all sorts of fooling around. I would say my technique could use some more work, but I managed to keep from using my teeth and I don't think he had any complaints. :) He went down on me. I have to say, an orgasm by any hand but mine is fabulous, but his tongue...oh my god, Alice. Insane. I'm definitely not in love with Seth, but it's fun. The fooling around, the spending time with him. It's easy. I may not feel all fluttery and crazy about him like I did about Edward. But it doesn't hurt either. He's not going to break my heart...

~Bella

July 6, 2010

Bella,

Fuuuuck. My head hurts. Damn, I drank a lot last night. No regrets though. I mean, I won't have any once the pounding goes away. Urgh.

The dancing and drinking and making out with Embry were good though. That boy is hot! He's not Jasper, but you have something right. Maybe the crazy fluttery thing we got with Edward and Jasper wasn't what we really needed. Embry texted me today to say he had a nice time and that he wants to see me again, so I think I made the right decision.

-Alice

July 7, 2010

Alice,

Damn, crazy girl. I never thought I'd see you dancing on a picnic table. Nice pink underwear btw, next time maybe you should do it in shorts instead of a skirt. Skank! Love you though. And it was nice to see you relax and let loose. Embry is cute and you two seemed good together. I'm glad he texted you and you're going to go out with him again.

So, Seth and I slept together. I know I probably should have waited for someone I love. But I don't regret it. Physically, it was everything it should be. Passionate, fun, all of that. And he's a really good guy. But there's this part of me that was disappointed after. Wishing it was with Edward. I just remember rolling over and he wrapped his arm around my waist and nuzzled my hair. It was sweet and everything, but I couldn't help but wish it were Edward. Am I pathetic?

~Bella

July 9, 2010

Bella,

You're not pathetic. And I'm glad it was good for you, I just worry that maybe you'll end up regretting it. I don't want you to hurt.

Embry and I are still going out. It's been fun and we've fooled around a few times. He's pretty good at making me cum. I just still kinda think about Jasper, so I know how you must feel, wishing it was Edward instead of Seth. We're all kinds of fucked up, aren't we doll?

-Alice

July 18, 2010

Alice,

Fucked up doesn't even begin to cover it. Edward called me today. I almost dropped the phone when I saw that he'd called. I called him back and he asked if I wanted to go out for dinner. I hesitated, I wasn't really sure, but he said he really wanted to talk to me, so I agreed to go. We met in Port Angeles; he said he didn't want to hang around Forks. I have no idea why, but whatever.

It went all right. He asked how I'd been and told him about graduation and everything and that I was planning to go to U-Dub in August. He said he was going there, too. He moved to Seattle a few weeks ago. He transferred to the Newton's store there and is going to work part time while he takes classes. I guess his mom is doing a lot better, but he didn't want to go yet. She made him promise he'd go to school and she didn't want him to make any more sacrifices for her. He's having a hard time with it, but he said it's kind of nice to be on his own finally.

It got kind of awkward when he asked if I'd been dating. When I admitted that Seth and I had gone out, he got this strange look on his face. I honestly wasn't trying to make him jealous, but a small part of me liked the fact that he was disappointed. He made some crack about Seth being lucky, and I blushed and stammered and he got this horror-stricken look. He said he had no right to ask, but he wanted to know if I'd slept with him. I wanted to smack him, he had absolutely no right, but I didn't deny it. He looked so sad. I just wanted to yell at him that it was all his damn fault anyway. It could have been him, but he chose not to. I went to get up from the table but he grabbed my hand. He apologized and we finished dinner, but things are still kind of awkward. We promised to email a couple of times a week, but it won't be the same. I miss what we had before. I know we can't really be friends, not since we both have feelings for each other, but it sucks. I just want something to happen.

Glad to hear things are going well with Embry. I think it's been good for you. Sorry to drag you down with my shit, I am really happy for you now.

~Bella

July 25, 2010

Bella,

Crap, that's a lot to deal with. Edward has absolutely no right to be jealous about you and Seth. He missed his opportunity. He's an asshat!

I dunno how I feel about you two trying to be friends. I get why you want to, but I kinda think that it's going to blow up in your face. You said you want something to happen. Is that really fair to Seth, or to yourself? I don't want you to get hurt. I love you, hun, please be careful.

I am glad to hear his mom is getting better and that he's going to U-Dub. At least it's a big campus so you won't run into him all the time. That would be awkward.

-Alice

August 8, 2010

Ali,

I broke it off with Seth. I feel like a horrible person. I mean, it's not just because of Edward. A lot of it is because I'm leaving for school and he'll be in La Push for another year. I don't want a long distance relationship, and to be honest, I don't think I love Seth enough to make it happen. I care about him, I really do. He's my blanket and hot cup of cocoa kind of guy. But I really want more than that. Edward's my shot of 151. Crap, that makes me sound like a lush, doesn't it?

We had good but semi-depressing goodbye sex. I felt awful walking away from him, he looked so hurt. But a small part of me felt better knowing it was over.

Ahh well, enough of this moping I guess. We have to finish packing, get moved in, and start classes. Maybe there will be a cute guy in the dorms just waiting for me. Who has a hot friend for you, of course.

~Bella

August 12, 2010

Bella,

Do you miss Seth at all? I didn't mean to dump Embry at the same time you ended things with Seth. They probably think we're complete bitches. But I just couldn't see doing the long distance thing either.

I am so bummed that Jasper is at school in Portland. I mean, it's not horribly far, but it's not exactly close either. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I wish he was going to be at U-Dub and then I could seduce him with my womanly charms. Or maybe in my case get him liquored up and convince him that there's a woman hiding somewhere in this eight year old's body. You know, whichever worked.

I'm happy for him, it sounds like he loves the program but ugh. Why did I have to fall for the one guy I can't have? So not over him and it's so damn frustrating.

-Alice

August 15, 2010

Alice,

I guess I do miss Seth, sometimes. The sex definitely, and the cuddling after. Hot cocoa is nice when you've had a rough day, you know? Comforting.

Portland isn't that far, and we can take a trip down there to visit him sometime this fall. Maybe in a few weeks when classes have settled down and all that. I know he'll be crazy about you if he can just get his head on straight.

~Bella

September 5, 2010

Bella,
I love it here in Seattle! I feel like a totally different person, much more confident, like I can do anything in the world that I want. I love my classes, and even though our room is small, I love our dorm. We're going to be so happy here!

I hope you're right about Jasper. I went out with this guy James last night. Ugh, total douche bag. I almost junk punched him when he got a little handsy. And he had this weird habit of sniffing my neck. So lame. I mean, I have the overwhelming urge to lick Jasper constantly, but I manage to restrain myself. Couldn't he have done the same? Soooo not going on a second date with him. I saw him flirting with some redheaded skank in class today anyway. Good riddance!

-Alice

September 8, 2010

Alice,

I think I'm shaking. Edward called and he sounded so different on the phone. Good different…more like when we first met. He said he wanted to come see me, and that he's missed me and that he has something really important he wants to talk to me about. I'm so afraid to get my hopes up but damn, I hope he's changed his mind. I know I should probably be pissed at him for the way he treated me, but honestly, I hate playing games. If he wants me, I'm his.

~Bella

September 9, 2010

Bella,

Please, please be careful with your heart. I worry about you and how you'll take it if it doesn't go the way you're hoping. I mean, I hope you are right, but I care about you too much not to caution you to be careful.

-Alice

September 13, 2011

Al,

I can't begin to tell you how amazing Edward was. We went out to dinner and then came back to the dorm. I'm glad you finally got to meet him, and thanks for disappearing to go to the party downstairs. I just really wanted to be alone with him. We talked for a while and he said the worst decision he ever made was letting me go. He told me if I was still interested, he wanted to date. Not just go out on dates, but be in a relationship. I was completely shocked. I said yes, and he kissed me and it was like a damn had burst. It didn't take long before he had me on my back on the couch and he was trying to feel every inch of me. I never thought it could be like this...so perfect, so right.

I am so sorry you walked in on us, I really wasn't thinking straight. I'm sure you didn't want to see Edward with his mouth on my tits and his hand down my pants. Although, that makes it sound so cheap, and it really wasn't. It was sweet, and slow and absolutely amazing. And you have no idea how much I appreciate you going to read in the lounge downstairs to give us some privacy. You're such a good friend. :) Alice, you can't believe what it was like. Every single thing I felt with Seth pales in comparison. It was like I'd been lit on fire. Oh my god, Alice, I'm completely smitten. He made love to me. I shouldn't tell you this, but he cried after. Not a lot, but he said he'd been aching to hold me like that since he met me. That he doesn't ever want to let me go again.

I'm so in love with him it hurts, Alice. I totally forgot it was my birthday, but he didn't. He brought me a gift. It was a journal he'd written with his thoughts from when he met me, and our summer apart. He wrote down everything and I cried while I read it. It's his deepest innermost thoughts and they're amazingly eloquent. He loves me so much, Alice, but he was scared. I think part of it was his mom. He was worried that he would fall in love with me and lose me, like he almost lost her. I promised him I wouldn't ever let him go. I'm so happy my heart could burst right now. Thank you for giving us that time together. I owe you.

~Bella

September 15, 2010

Bella,

Watching you two together this weekend was kind of amazing. And don't even go where I think you're going with that, missy. I'm not talking the dirty stuff I'm trying to bleach from my brain. But watching you interact…it's kind of intense. He does love you. I can see it in every little thing he does. Once again, I am jealous.

At first, I was worried he might break your heart, but not after seeing you together. It's amazing. I want that someday.

-Alice

September 27, 2010

Alice,

OMG. Jasper is coming up this weekend along with Edward. Our room is so tiny, I guess he'll have to sleep in your bed. ) Darn, right?

I am so stupidly smitten with Edward. It's ridiculous how bad I want him again. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to drag him off somewhere deserted and have my way with him. We've been seeing each other a couple of times a week, and it's so not enough. I'm such a bad friend, but I have a feeling I'm going to be spending a lot of time at Edward's place. Of course, if things work out with Jasper, you might not mind so much! I hope it works out for you two. I'll be forced to knock some sense into the boy if he doesn't make a move.

~Bella

September 29, 2010

Bella,

I can't even believe it. Holy shit. Jasper and I! Eee! I love just saying the words. I am so insanely happy. And holy hell, that boy is talented. Sorry if you, err, overheard anything. We tried to be quiet. But shit, Jasper in my bed...there was no way I wasn't going to take advantage of that situation. Was I too mean with the satin sleep shorts and cami? -cackles- Ahh well, even if I was, they totally worked. We crawled into bed and just sort of laid there for a minute and then he kind of turned toward me and pulled me close and ohmygod, he kissed me and it was like fireworks exploded in my head. It was magic and perfect and I want more! Thanks for heading out the next morning. I appreciate it. We made out of course, and talked a lot.

He was so sweet when he asked me if I wanted to be his girl. His girl! I love it, it's so old-fashioned and romantic sounding. So I pretty much attacked him. Heh…I'm so bad. We didn't have sex but he made me come three times. The boy has magic fingers and tongue. I think I'm just about the luckiest girl in the whole world. Just think, this time last year we were totally lame, we'd never really even been kissed. And now we're dating two of the most ridiculously gorgeous guys. Life is good…

-Alice


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