The Metamorphosis of a Nemesis
In which Ron writes for fanfiction.net, the Sorting Feast is hilarious, and our main character ZELDA is introduced
It was another fine, colorful, perfect autumn in England. All was right with the world. Birds were singing, leaves were falling cheerfully, and the Gryffindor Quidditch team had just won their recent match against Ravenclaw, which had naturally resulted in a great deal of fist-pumping, high-fiving, and "WhhoooOoOoOOOo!!"-ing.
The captain of the team, Ron Weasley, was the most gorgeous hunk of Quidditch-playing meat that anyone had ever set eyes on. He was handsomely tall, and had a delicious finely-sculpted, well-oiled body. Naturally, every single female in the entire school, including all the portraits, and the professors, had asked him out... several times. But he only had eyes for his special girl, Mary Sue. She was so beautiful, she was even more famous than Harry Potter. Because she had fallen so desperately in love with Ronald Weasley, he had by default become even more famous than Harry, not to mention better in the sack...
Ron looked up, surprised. "What?" he said guiltily, as he tried to nonchalantly cover up what he had been writing.
Hermione rolled her eyes. She knew that Ron frequently wrote and posted stories on fanfiction.net under the author name Weasleyfan17. But, she secretly enjoyed his fics, especially the Justin Finch-Fletchley/Ron/Mulder crossover slash. But that's a different story.
"The sorting ceremony is about to begin, so I think it's time to put your fanfiction writing away."
"What? What are you talking about? I don't write fanfic!" Ron tried his best to recover, eliciting an eye roll from Hermione.
McGonagall had the first years lined up and the Sorting Hat was once again amusing everyone to no end with its new song for the year, which was much too hilarious to be reprinted here. When it was over, and everyone had regained his or her composure, the first name was called.
Apatheticalia, Abraham was sorted into Hufflepuff where thankfully he would not have to be mentioned again. A crew of pierced, messy-haired gothic punks were sorted into Slytherin, much to the chagrin of the well-coiffed, immaculately-dressed Draco Malfoy. He had a horrified vision of tortured poetry readings in the common room, with the Cure playing solemnly and depressingly in the background.
Finally, there were no more first years left, and everyone was ready to dig in to dinner. But Dumbledore clapped his hands to get everyone's attention. "My dear students.. your attention please. We have one more new student this year. But.." his eyes scanned the room "..where the devil is she?"
Suddenly the doors burst open. Everyone gasped simultaneously, sucking most of the oxygen out of the room, causing McGonagall to quickly transfigure some more. They all turned to look, and saw...
Lavender, followed closely by Crabbe. Many appetites were lost. Lavender managed a weak "I was just checking for the.. uh... in the bathroom.. and...", while Crabbe, oblivious to it all, belched loudly and galloped over to the Slytherin table, knocking over a goth or two before taking his place.
Suddenly, again, the doors, which were already open, fell off their hinges in surprise, and everyone nearly fell out of their chairs, with the complete and utterly unbelievable shock of it all. For standing before them was an angel from heaven, the next Cleopatra, a glittery being that only could have been created by the loving hands of the most painstakingly brilliant artist to ever walk the planet. She was a vision in white. She had silky, luxurious blonde hair cascading down her back in waves reminiscent of the soothing waves of the ocean.
Her piercing, penetrating ORANGE eyes caused several boys to swoon. And she had a gorgeously firm and curvaceous body with a bosom threatening to spill out of her dress at any minute. She smiled her biggest smile, and did the princess-parade wave to everyone as she walked deliberately down the middle of the Great Hall. Dumbledore looked on lovingly and allowed this ridiculous spectacle to occur, until our mysterious lady stood in front of the High Table.
Dumbledore spoke. "We have a new student this year."
Hermione wondered to herself, "Did he really have to say that? Didn't everyone just watch her walk through the room?"
"She is so very special, and we are fortunate to finally have her in our midst. You see, she is the love child of the four founders of Hogwarts, and had been cryogenically frozen next to Walt Disney for thousands of years. But now it is her time to walk among us, and attend school with all of you lucky, lucky students. May I present to you Princess Zelda Slythlepuff-Gryffinclaw!"
Ron thought dreamily to himself, "Just like in my story! A real Mary Sue!"
Dumbledore continued, "She is AGELESS, of course, but will be attending classes with the um... the..." he turned to the Gryffindor table. "Er, what year are you in again, Harry?"
"Ah yes, she will be attending seventh year classes." Dumbledore gazed at Zelda lovingly. Flitwick had to nudge him. "Oh, and she will have her own private quarters, but will be able to visit any common room she likes, whenever she likes. And, she'll be the Head Girl. And first-chair flute, and captain of the Dueling Club, and in charge of the Prom... I mean the Yule Ball." He sighed the most contented sigh he had ever sighed.
"Let the feast begin."
Snape scowled directly into his soup.