The Metamorphosis of a Nemesis
In which Hermione and Zelda accidentally do it, Draco gets demanding with the guys, we narrowly avoid a SONGFIC, and it is suddenly time for the Yule Ball.
"So, how the hell can we save Draco?" Zelda asked. It was late morning. Hermione rolled over in her bed. "Phrrmmmmm," she mumbled. "Tired."
Wait a minute, she thought. Her eyes flew open and she saw.... Zelda! In her bed! But wait, that would mean that they had slept together....
"So, how the hell can we save Draco?"
Hermione and Zelda were in the library, fully clothed and sitting at opposite ends of a long table. This was at Hermione's wish. Hermione was surprisingly naive on such things but Zelda was starting to discover that in order to fit in at this school, you had to start sleeping with pretty much everyone. Oh well, thought Zelda. Once Snape brings her to a "staff meeting", she'll figure it out. Ha!
Wait... maybe I mean ewwwwwww.
"I don't know," said Hermione. "but I bet we'll think of something, possibly at the last minute."
They sat and thought and thought, and thought, for about four hours. They never thought of anything, so Draco was never saved, and he went crazy and killed them all.
Hermione rolled her eyes. "That is SO not the end."
Harry and Ron came in. Harry was telling Ron, "After we were done with the trapeze and the nipple clamps, I was in the leather swing for like two and a half hours!"
"I know," replied Ron. "HE told me all about it while he was dragging me from the dungeons to the empty classrooms to the astronomy tower. Which, by the way was totally crowded last night. We couldn't even roll over without hitting someone. Afterwards we went down to the kitchens. Can I just say that I've never seen a House Elf do THAT before!"
Hermione and Zelda exchanged a knowing glance. The boys could only be talking about Draco.
SLAM! The library doors opened dramatically. Our favorite blond Slytherin entered, also dramatically. He was dressed in a shimmery pink dress, smoking a long, thin cigarette, wearing enough makeup to kill a test subject rabbit, and screeching in a very high pitched voice to one of the many guys in his entourage.
Draco was now flaming gay.
"Yikes," said Hermione. "Not only is he flaming gay, but he appears to be gay as might be pictured by a 12-year-old homophobe who doesn't know the first thing about gay people. Where the hell did Lucious find the author for THIS Draco?"
Zelda watched all this with an amused look on her face. "So! Harry, Ron..." she said, "What you're saying is that Draco is a very demanding slash lover."
They nodded. They were still wary of Zelda.
"Maybe he's... a bit too much."
The nodding continued.
"And maybe.... you're starting to want out."
"Perfect! Hermione and I were just discussing how to turn Draco back to his regular old self, instead of this series of bad caricatures he has become."
Hermione started gathering her things up from the table. "We'll explain it on the way to class. Lucious is trying to brainwash Draco, it's a long story. For now, I think we need to make a hasty exit because the situation in here looks like it could turn ugly." She pointed over at Draco.
He was standing up on the table holding a microphone.
"Oh crap. A songfic!"
They ran for it, making it out just before the first non-melodious notes of "I Will Survive" shattered the peace of the library.
LATER ON--- IN THE GREAT HALL
"Who are you taking to the Yule Ball?" Zelda asked Hermione.
"What? The Yule Ball? Where did THAT come from? What the hell time of year is it?" Hermione was confused.
"Hermione, you're thinking far too hard. Who cares about proper time flow? This is FANFICTION."
"Well, seeing as how I thought it was still October, I haven't thought about it yet. What about you?" Hermione asked.
"Are you kidding me? I'm an ex-Mary Sue. No one would be caught dead with me. Marcus Flint asked me on a dare and I had to kick him in the groin."
"Way to go!" Hermione looked impressed.
"Thanks." Zelda blushed.
"Hey!" Hermione brightened. "Perhaps the Yule Ball would be a good opportunity for me to have a tortured moment with Snape, in front of the whole school. I'll have to wear something grown-up and slutty."
They chewed their meals in silence. Zelda remarked, "You still haven't thought of a plan to save Draco yet."
"Oh, *I* have to think of the plan?" said Hermione.
"Yeah, because the rest of us would probably just screw it up."
"STUDENTS! May I have your attention, please?" Dumbledore clapped his hands up at the Head Table. I have some announcements. First of all, I am a wise old sage. Secondly, don't forget we're having the Yule Ball next week."
"Huh?" "What?" The students looked at each other. They hadn't even celebrated Halloween yet. Dumbledore noticed this so he quickly whipped out his wand and conjured up some snow, Christmas trees, and some mass Memory Charms. The students cheered! Much better.
Dumbledore continued. "And finally, it is my unfortunate duty to inform you that the Tribal Council, er.... I mean, the Order of the Phoenix has spoken and McGonagall has been voted off the island... er, school."
McGonagall protested as she was hurriedly escorted out by burly security guards. The students looked around, confused again. But thankfully, the chapter was over.