Interlude: Secrets

This is my secret and I can only write it at night, when the darkness covers me and I am allowed to be left alone from the light. I am scared so scared. I feel disconnected from the world, like I am a living vessel but am not alive. I sometimes think that that is what the prophecy foretold, for while I was being hunted, I was never allowed to live, only survive. I fear now that has come to haunt me after the war. I look at my belly and think of the life growing within me, and I wonder, how will I be able to be a good father to this child? Will I be able to be one? I have never had my own childhood of my own any any joy was constantly stripped away from me and I was kicked when down. I don't know how to be anyone's… anything. Being the chosen one… I never wanted to be it, but it is so much easier than this. I lie awake at night and just imagine the threats my children will be under, the constant spotlight that is my life.

I have another secret, sometimes I want to leave. Leave this life as the Boy-Who-Lived the Saviour. My deepest wish is that I was normal, just Harry. Deep down that is all I ever wanted to be.

I love Ron like my own brother, but I know he only really liked me at first was because I was the Boy-Who-Lived and I don't know when he got to know the real me. He blamed me once after the Goblet thing, didn't believe me. Was he still under the illusion of fame of my name? It hurt more than I can tell when he didn't believe me and left those times. I never wanted this life, I never wanted the fame! Give me my family and I will give it back! Let me live the life I WANTED to live! No one understands!

This is where I wipe my tears because the memories are too strong and break pieces of my heart. How can I be a father when I am so broken?

I have never known love. Ever. Meer flashes of like at the most. How can I love something that when I do it is torn away from me by death? If I love this child with all my heart, will it not survive its infancy? But I would trade my life for it, but when I have offered this bargain to Death, he has refused me time and again. Why is my life more important than the people I love? Than the innocents?

I am trying to move on, but how can I, when I killed when I was only eleven? When I have been responsible for so much death and have seen too much that sometimes I wish never to see again? Is it fair to give a child a father like this? I am barely surviving now how can I survive when a life depends on me? Will fate finally allow me the peace and safety I so desire?

These are my secrets, sometimes I still feel like that small boy hidden in the cupboard underneath the stairs. I hated it there, but there I was me. I was just Harry, even if only to myself. I will probably never tell a soul about these feelings, my secrets. There are so precious things that are mine alone. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had gone into Slytherin. Would I have had an easier life? Would I have defeated Voldermort faster and lost less? The hat did say that being placed there would help me, but I cannot wallow in what ifs. Only in the dead of night can I allow my true self reign. For who would want a depressed hero?

These are my secrets that only the dark knows.


A little inside to our heros' head. I don't believe that Harry could be so chipper without a dark side lingering to him.

Well till next time folks

Thane