BLEED MY HEART OUT ON THIS PAPER

Part 3

...

His mom calls him one morning while he's still asleep, so he does that thing where he just automatically reaches for the phone and answers it because he doesn't have time to realize he should just ignore it.

She's on his shit first thing about still being asleep. "It's almost noon, Noah!" He tries to tell her that he didn't get home from work til like after three, but she ignores him. Instead, she jumps right into some story about the neighbors that he doesn't give a shit about. And then she's all, "When are you coming home for Thanksgiving?"

And okay, he's not.

He has no desire to spend three or four or however many days in Lima, and he definitely doesn't have any kind of desire to pay for an expensive ass plane ticket to get there. He hasn't exactly told his mom this yet, but he was kind of holding out hope that maybe she just might assume. It's not like she's brought it up before, so he kind of hoped it was just understood.

Apparently not.

So he tries to tell her that he's not coming, and he pulls the angle that he just can't afford it. But it doesn't matter because his mom is batshit, and she starts guilting the fuck out of him, saying shit like how he must not care about his family anymore and a bunch of other crap that she knows for damn sure is a lie. But she says it anyway because she's a Jewish mom, and that's the kind of shit that they do. So it turns into this thing where he actually fucking resents the fact that she just can't accept that he doesn't have a ton of expendable income and doesn't understand that his rent and bills take up his whole entire paycheck basically.

And then she says, "Fine, Noah. If you don't want to come home, that's fine."

So then he basically has to go.

Rachel wants to eat at this new vegan place that opened up downtown, and she's a Jewish woman, too, so somehow he ends up agreeing to go with her.

He's not a vegan or a vegetarian, like not even close, but he feels bad because she says none of her friends will go with her, and she just wants to try it out. She puts on this disappointed little face when she comes to get some coffee after class one day. He knows what she's doing and knows that she pretty much always ends up getting her way, at least with him, so he just says he'll go with her and saves them both some time.

He's not really sure how she always manages to talk him into doing crazy ass shit he doesn't really want to do, but she does. Probably because like it or not, his dick still thinks for him like ninety percent of the time. And his dick's kind of been interested in Rachel for a few years now. It's also been fucking teased by Rachel more than a couple of times, so that doesn't help, either.

He did a ton of crazy shit for her when they were in high school, just because she fucking asked (or sometimes ordered) him to. He's apparently still doing it because he's signing up to go to some rabbit restaurant, and a couple of weeks ago, she was sitting on the floor in his apartment convincing him to write the accompaniment for some stupid ass song she wrote called "Cruise Ship for One." It was like some fucked up mashup about all that bad shit in her life right then- her teacher telling her she was destined for a cruise line and also the crap for Finn. It had some awesome lyrics like, "The breeze blows through my hair, but who will stare? No one, no one, because I'm all alone. Singing on my cruise ship for one. All love and hope is gone."

He's not really looking for her to be dropping the hits any time soon...

The restaurant is terrible.

He tries to keep an open mind because it's not like he goes into it thinking he's gonna get a steak or a burger or something. But shit. It's really gross. Rachel seems to think it's awesome, though, and he's kind of worried that however many years without meat has somehow killed her tastebuds or something because this shit is disgusting.

He tries to tell her that, but she tells him he's just "being a butt"- yes, she uses that term- and informs him that this food is both healthy and delicious. No. He's had some delicious shit in his time, and this is definitely not it.

She totally owes him.

She pays him back three days later by baking those awesome blueberry muffins she used to make for temple fundraisers and shit.

He lets her use his "kitchen" (he really has to use the word lightly because it's like a mini oven, two burners, and a fridge), but she's so little that it almost looks like it's the perfect size for her. She's bouncing around like she's so happy to finally touch kitchen appliances again or something, and he'd like seriously bet that's exactly what's going through her head. She starts singing some song to herself, and he just lays there on his bed half-asleep and watches her.

She's a good singer. Like better than good. She's so good that sometimes it seriously shocks him because you don't hear shit like that every day. Well, okay, he used to hear it every day, but he doesn't anymore. So it kind of makes her sound even better. Plus, she looks really cute when she bakes. He knows that's completely lame, but it's the only thing he can really focus on besides her voice.

When she pulls the first pan of muffins out, though, he's able to focus at least some on that.

He's at the subway station one day, waiting for a train that's apparently never fucking coming, and this dude with a saxophone walks out to the middle of the platform and starts playing.

It's like seriously some of the most awesome stuff he's ever heard, and it's insane that like every other person on the platform actively ignores the dude. Yeah, he hasn't been in New York that long, but he knows that's pretty par for the course or whatever, like you just don't pay attention to subway performers as a rule or something. But what the hell, though? This man is fucking awesome, and somebody needs to tell him.

It's not like Puck makes a ton of freaking money or anything, not even close. But he doesn't think twice about digging in his wallet for whatever cash he has on him (fourteen bucks to be exact) and tossing it into the dude's sax case.

He gets a half-smile and a chin raise in thanks, and it's totally worth it.

Rachel asks him to go to this showcase something or other that she swears is gonna be "totally awesome," and he knows like right off the bat that it's definitely not because Rachel doesn't even say shit like totally awesome unless she's full of shit.

So he tells her no.

She's leaning up against the counter in the coffee shop while he wipes shit down in between customers. It's basically empty in here except for them and these two girls at a table by the windows. Rachel showed up randomly, and she's just been hovering ever since she got here. She doesn't even want anything to drink, but he's about to force some coffee into her just to make her fucking move or something.

"Noah, you'll love it. There will be all kinds of music, and you can come with my friends and me. It'll be so much fun."

One, if she's already got people to go with, why the hell does she need him? Two, 'all kinds of music' is probably code for some Broadway shit that's probably gonna make him slit his throat or something.

"Please." She blinks at him like she's trying to attempt eyelash fluttering or some shit. It's almost cute. Almost. "We never get to spend any time together."

"We'll be on a flight together the next fucking morning." He also wants to throw in that they'll see each other plenty over Thanksgiving because he's already making plans to escape his family as much as possible.

But then she does that blinking thing again, and it's so fucked up somewhere between cute and hilarious and terrifying, that he's rolling his eyes and throwing his towel on the counter.

"Shit. Fine."

When she said her friends, he thought she meant like Dee and the people in her dorm and shit- the people he already kind of knows.

But no, she means all these weird theatre kids that he's never met and probably could have gone his whole life never meeting and been fine. Like seriously, he has no problem with gay dudes at all, but the ten Kurt clones are like for real too much. He feels exactly the same way about the band of Rachel clones he's also stuck with for the night. It also doesn't help that every single one of them seems to think he's Rachel's boyfriend or that they secretly want each other or something because they're all giving them looks and whispering and shit, and he feels like he's in eighth grade again or something.

They go to the showcase or whatever, and it's not as bad as he probably imagined, but it's still pretty bad. It's still a bunch of showtunes, but there's also some kind of awesome instrumental shit thrown in. And it's not like the worst thing he's ever sat through, but he could definitely think of better ways to spend a free night in the city.

A lot of them go out to eat after the show, and he really just wants to go home and pack the rest of his shit for Thanksgiving. But Rachel grabs his hand and asks him if he'll come, and fuck. He should learn how to say no or something.

They go to this weird restaurant that's all hipster and probably supposed to be cool or something. But it's not. It's pretty fucking lame and pretentious, and the food sucks and is way too expensive. And it's kind of weird because Rachel's being super fucking clingy and like leaning on him all night and barely talking to any of her 'friends.' Which is cool, seriously, because he'd much rather talk to her than any of these other nutcases, but it's also just fucking weird. Like he doesn't get why she wants to hang out with these people if she's not even going to talk to them, and he also doesn't miss the fact that she's basically doing nothing to like make them think he's not her boyfriend.

And when they're all paying their checks, she even asks him if she can spend the night with him. "That way we can just leave together in the morning."

It makes sense, okay? His place is closer to the airport, and they can share a taxi or whatever. Plus, it'll be a lot easier to just get to the airport together instead of trying to find each other once they're there. But it's still kind of odd.

They stop by her dorm to pick up her shit. She swears it's already packed and everything (of course, it fucking is), but she says she needs a couple of minutes to get her toiletries and everything. Dee's in their room watching a movie with some dude he's never seen before. Rachel seems oblivious and just starts digging through her bathroom crap to pull out what she needs. Dee gives him this look that he can't really read, and he just kind of lifts his chin at the dude who's all sprawled out on her bed. He gets the same kind of greeting back, and it's really fucking awkward. So he's glad when Rachel's tugging some pink rolling suitcase across the room and announcing that she's ready. She tells Dee bye and says she'll see her Sunday. There's a lot of fake have a good holiday bullshit exchanged, and then they're out.

He asks about the guy when they're on their way back to the train station, and Rachel just shrugs. "I think his name is Chris."

"Is that her boyfriend?" He knows he probably sounds like he cares, but he doesn't, okay? He just wants to know if she's got a dude or whatever now before he like texts her in the middle of the afternoon and asks her to suck his dick or something.

"I don't know. I don't guess so." Rachel sounds annoyed or something. "Aren't you still sleeping with her?"

He wants to tell her there's a big fucking difference between sleeping with somebody and fucking somebody, and yeah, he's let Dee sleep over a few times, but he's sure as fuck never slept with her. But he doesn't because all that would take too much time to explain to somebody like Rachel who probably has a totally fucked up view of sex, since all she's got to base it on is Finn.

So he just says, "I haven't talked to her in like three weeks," because it's the truth.

His house is totally empty when he gets home, and he thinks it's pretty shitty that his family can't even be bothered to welcome him home or whatever.

Rachel's dad picked them up from the airport and asked them both a zillion questions about New York on the way back to Lima. Then he dropped Puck off, and he and Rachel are probably on their way to some surprise party or something that her parents set up for her. Because they actually, you know, give a shit.

He doesn't have that same kind of luxury. He gets an empty house and a fridge that might as well be empty- all it's got is gross chick food, which isn't surprising since it's just his mom and his little sister at home now. He grabs a Diet-Coke and tries not to taste it before he takes his shit up to his room and throws it on his bed.

His room feels different now. Different from how he left it and different from what he's used to. That's probably because it's, you know, got furniture and shit, and there's more in there besides just a bed and some random boxes and an open suitcase. Whatever, he still prefers his crappy little studio because it's his, and that shit means something.

This just feels like a place he used to live.

His mom makes like twelve kinds of pie and way too much food for them.

He's not sure what's really up with all that because she's never been one of those crazy holiday people. Hell, there have been years when all she does is drag him and his sister to a Chinese restaurant and splurge on extra egg rolls. So it's weird when she goes all out for shit, especially since it's just him, his sister, and his nana that she's cooking for. He doesn't complain, though, because she's a pretty awesome cook when she actually, you know, cooks.

His sister says something, though, about like how many freaking desserts do they need, and he kicks her to get her to shut up. His mom sees him and gives him that look that's all don't kick your eleven year old sister, jackass.

And then she goes, "I'm just happy to have my whole family together," and he kind of gets that this is more about him than anything else.

Pretty much everyone's home for Thanksgiving, but he still hangs out with Finn, who's one of like two people he's seen since August.

Finn's his boy, though. Like best friend and super tight and all that stuff. So they spend most of the night on Friday getting high in Finn's truck just like they used to do when they were like sixteen. It's weird to think that was just a couple of years ago, but it seems like a ton of stuff has changed since then. But not this. This is just them and some weed, and it's like seriously the thing at home that feels the most like home.

They talk about New York a little bit, but it's not like there's a whole lot to tell. Finn knows most of the shit that's going on there, and it's not like he's got a bunch of brand new information or like something new to tell. Finn says shit's still pretty boring at home, but he submitted his transfer to Columbus for next year, so at least he can get the fuck out of Lima.

Then he's like, "And I met this girl in class. She's pretty cool," and it's pretty fucked up that all Puck can see is Rachel's face when she was crying over Finn's hit it and quit it a month ago. But whatever, that's not really his business or so much actually Finn's fault, so he can't hate on the dude or whatever.

Instead, they just talk about her a little bit, and they check out her Facebook from Finn's phone. She's hot. In a Quinn kind of way. Like she looks like one of those really beautiful girls who's probably a mega-bitch underneath. But he doesn't say that, just says she's hot and asks Finn if he's hit it yet.

He hasn't.

Rachel texts him, no lie, at two o'clock in the morning and asks him if he's awake.

He is, but that's only because he just got home. He's gonna lay down and like fall straight to sleep, he knows, so he says yeah and asks what she wants. She texts him back and says that she's bored.

Okay, then. Like he seriously does not know what the fuck that has to do with him, and he really doesn't know what the hell he's even supposed to say back. Like... sorry for ya? Or what? But then she texts him and says she doesn't have anybody to hang out with, and he kind of feels like shit, so he just tells her she can come over if she wants to.

She's got on pajama pants and this old McKinley sweatshirt that's like no shit at least six sizes too big for her. It's probably Finn's or something, which is kind of just fucked up in itself. She smiles when he opens the front door for her, and he wonders if she seriously doesn't realize it's the middle of the night. His mom's in bed, and so is his sister, so he tells her to be quiet while they go up to his room.

"My parents have been fighting all weekend." She sits down his bed and kicks her shoes off like she lives there or something. Not like he cares or whatever, but it's kind of weird.

"About what?"

"Food, TV, me..." She rolls her eyes. "They don't ever fight, it's weird."

He doesn't believe that they don't ever fight because all couples fight, right? Like even the happily committed gay ones or whatever. Hell, he seriously doesn't remember his parents ever not fighting. The only memories he really has of his dad are of him and his mom screaming at each other and calling each other names. So basically, he thinks that shit's pretty normal.

But obviously not for Rachel because she's frowning and looking all emo, and it's just like she's looked a lot these past couple months whenever she feels like she's not the absolute best at something. It's like the reality check New York is giving her is transferring back here, and it's kind of messed up.

"I can't wait to go back to school." She's not even really looking at him or anything. She's seriously just lying down on his bed and pulling a pillow under her head.

Not that he minds or whatever, but it's weird.

The very first thing he realizes when he gets back to his apartment are the weird scratches on the door. Then he notices that the bolt is bent, and he literally just has to like push the door to get it to open.

The second thing, obviously, is the fact that all his shit is gone.

Like seriously. All of it. Well, except for the bed, but nobody's got enough balls to try to steal a whole bed and sneak it down through a whole building. But totally not the point. What the fuck. It's not even like he's got a ton of stuff to steal. All he has are seriously like some clothes, a couple pairs of shoes, and a guitar. And they took all of it.

Somebody stole his fucking guitar.

He's in a really shitty mood, and it pisses him off that his boss calls and asks if he can come in and pick up an extra shift, but he clearly needs the money, so he goes in anyway.

He's basically rude to like every single person who comes in, and he doesn't even give a shit. He just makes their coffee and shoves it at them and pretty much doesn't say a word otherwise.

Then this chick comes in dressed like she's on the way to some business meeting or something. He can tell she's older than him, but not by a ton. No way she's over thirty- probably not even twenty-five. She's not like legitimized cougar age or anything, but she's still super hot.

She smiles at him, and he smiles back because even though he's in a pissy mood, he can still appreciate an attractive woman. He makes small talk while he fixes her coffee, asks how her day is and all that other shit he doesn't really care about. She actually answers, though, and tells him that she's tired and ready to murder somebody after a really long day at work.

He kind of winks at her just a little bit and tells her the coffee's on the house because she needs a break after that kind of day. She smiles and doesn't leave the counter right away.

He is totally going to do her.

Her name is Laura, and she lives in a one bedroom apartment about six blocks from the coffee shop. She's a legal assistant at some law firm, and she has a black cat.

That's literally all he knows about her besides the fact that she's got a birth mark under her left tit and that she likes to be on top. That's all he needs to know or at least all he cares to find out. All he wants to do is fuck her and get out.

So that's what he does.

Rachel feels bad that all his stuff is gone, so she offers to "take him" shopping, which means she really just wants to tag along and tell him what to buy.

He doesn't have a lot of money or anything, but he can't just keep wearing the same three shirts over and over again, or they're gonna fall apart or something. He doesn't really know where you're supposed to go and shop cheap in New York because it's not like at home where you can just go to the mall and find a bunch of sales. Everything's like spread out and expensive here, but Rachel swears up and down that she knows some cheaper places, so he trusts her because he doesn't really have many other options.

Shopping here is annoying, though, because it's like Christmas on crack every single place he looks. Like isn't this city supposed to be down with Jews? It's one thing to have Christmas shoved down his throat in Lima where there's like a .0000001 percent Jewish population, but this is New York City. Is it really that freaking serious?

The only good part about it is that he gets to make Rachel really uncomfortable when he drags her into the dressing room with him and starts changing clothes right in front of her. She tries to say she'll just wait outside, but fuck that. He's not some runway model, and if she wants to give her opinion, she's gonna have to do it from inside a 4x4 dressing room. She tries really hard to make it obvious that she's not looking, but all that does is make it clear that she's totally trying not to look. Like she's having to make a real effort, and it's kind of hilarious.

She tells him which jeans look the best, and then she picks out about five shirts for him. He only puts two of them back, which is kind of shocking because this is the chick who likes to wear knitted birds on her chest and shit, but she's better at picking out clothes for dudes apparently because she doesn't suck.

At least she doesn't suck much.

She decides that she's moving in with him for the whole weekend before her finals start.

Really, she doesn't even ask, she just fucking calls him and tells him she's coming over because she's too distracted on campus. He doesn't really know what the fuck she's so distracted by unless it's her roommates new fuck buddy or boyfriend or whatever the hell that dude is. He knows it's not Dee that's gonna distract her because those two barely even talk anymore. All that crap that involved them trying to be friends and hang out when they first got to school has died way out, and like they don't hate each other or whatever, but they never, ever hang out together anymore.

So he gets off work at like 3 AM Friday night, and when he gets home, Rachel's asleep on his bed with some biology book or something open beside her. She looks really fucking cute sleeping in his bed, but he does his best not to notice that. Or at least not to care anyway. Instead, he just puts her book on the floor and strips down to his boxers because he's dead tired, and he really just wants to sleep for like fourteen hours or something.

He has to like yank the blanket out from underneath her, but she doesn't wake up. She just rolls over right up against him and wraps an arm around his waist. He knows she's still asleep because he can tell by her breathing, but even unconscious, he doesn't hate the way her body feels pressed up against his.

He really needs to get laid or something because all this feeling shit about Rachel stuff is just going to end with him getting fucked. And not in the good way.

He kind of gets in a fight at work and almost gets fired.

And seriously, there should be no fucking surprise that Rachel's the cause of it. Well, she doesn't actually do anything, but it's totally her fault. She's at some corner table studying because she says this place is "so much quieter" than all the places around campus. That's not a shock considering the fact that this place has like zero customers most of the time. But she's sitting there, sipping totally black coffee and studying for one of her finals, and this douchebag comes in and orders a double mocha frap and sits down right beside her.

Puck watches from the counter because it's not like he's got anything better to do. And also because he wants to find out what the hell this idiot thinks he's going to make happen. It turns out, he obviously thinks he's gonna make a lot happen because he starts talking to her and doesn't shut up no matter how hard she ignores him.

And then he fucking touches her, and it's like bets off, okay?

If he just brushed her arm or something, it'd be one thing, but this asshole puts his whole hand on her fucking thigh, and Rachel looks at it and then at him like he's lost his damn mind. And he still doesn't move it. And then she even says, "Please stop touching me," and he still keeps touching her.

So Puck doesn't really think twice before he walks over there and says, "Why don't you get your fucking hands off her?"

And then this prick has the nerve to just look at him and raise an eyebrow like some kind of cocky mother-fucker or something, and he still doesn't move his hand. So Puck moves it for him. He just grabs his wrist, moves it off of Rachel, and then maybe he uses his grip on that wrist to yank the dude up and kind of shove him against the table. He expects to get shoved back, so he's not surprised like at all when it happens. He also really wants this dude to throw a punch or something because he's kind of got a lot of pent up anger he could handle getting rid of. But Rachel jumps up and grabs his arm, so he doesn't hit anybody.

And then his manager comes out from the back and sees what's going on.

He expects to get fired, but Luke just tells Mr. Handsy to get the hell out, and then he tells Puck to take his ass home and cool off, and they'll talk about it later. Whatever, he doesn't want to be here right now anyway.

Rachel follows him out and down to the subway station. He half-expects her to tag along home with him, but she still has a final in the afternoon, so it'd be pointless for her to go with him and then have to come all the way back. They don't really say much while they walk, but Rachel's incapable of passing up a chance to talk, so she puts a stop to that.

"Your need to express chivalry in such a physical way is understandable, Noah, but it's not always the healthiest choice."

He hates when she talks like that. Like she started speaking halfway normal sometime around eleventh grade, so when she slips into all this thee, thou, ye bullshit (or close enough, whatever), it bugs the shit out of him.

"I don't even know what the fuck that means."

He can see her roll her eyes, which is total classic Rachel. Then she sounds all annoyed when she says, "It means you shouldn't constantly try to pick fights with people just to prove your manhood."

He's halfway pissed off at her, but he can't resist the, "I know lots of ways to prove it if you wanna find out," that slips out of his mouth before he can stop it.

Rachel turns red, and she kind of glares at him, which is hilarious because she's known him for way to long to be blushing at the shit that comes out of his mouth.

"Also," she sounds like she's purposely ignoring him, "I can take care of myself. I appreciate you looking out for me, but I can handle myself."

He doesn't mean to laugh, but he does. It's just that she's like five feet tall and ninety pounds or something. There's no fucking way she can 'take care of herself' when some douchebag gets all handsy. But if she wants to think that, it's her prerogative.

When they get to the station, she heads off toward her own train, and he just shakes his head as he watches her little ass walk away.

His sister calls him freaking out because she says she's getting an F in English.

He doesn't know what the hell to tell her except to suck it up and deal with it. He's never had like amazing grades or whatever, but he's always done at least halfway decent because his mom is kind of no joke about school. Like she's not super tough or whatever, and she doesn't have all these crazy unrealistic expectations, but she expects an effort at least. And an F is not a freaking effort.

He kind of feels bad leaving his sister to deal with all their mom's crazy alone, but better her than him.

Rachel comes over later that week, and she's freaking out, too.

She keeps saying she thinks she bombed her psychology final, and he wants to ask her what the hell she even took psychology for, but it's hard to even get a word in with the way she's freaking out and going on and on and on about how she's going to fail out of school and won't be able to get a job and all her Broadway dreams will be ruined and blah blah blah.

So he does what he always does when she starts freaking out over shit- he gets her drunk.

She's easy to convince because she secretly likes getting wasted a whole lot more than she's willing to let on or whatever. That's why she always comes over here whenever she's pissed or upset or whatever- because she knows he can get her liquor and that she'll have a place to sleep or whatever.

She wants to do vodka tonight, and she wants to mix it with cranberry, so they have to go down to the store and get the juice while his buddy gets them the alcohol. And then Rachel's grabbing two of the like four glasses in his cabinet and mixing drinks like she's some kind of pro or something. College has been good for her, at least as far as underage drinking goes.

She gets drunk and giggly and really super intense. He usually just gets buzzed because he knows that getting drunk kind of turns him into even more of a dick than he usually is. Like if he drinks a certain amount, he's cool and relaxed and just chill. But if he drinks just a little bit more than that, he gets pissed off and hateful. So yeah, he tries to keep it below that level.

So he's really kind of shocked when he ends up totally wasted.

He's been trying really hard not to focus on the fact that somebody broke into his place and stole all his shit and that he basically has nothing now. He's been trying really hard not to notice that without his guitar, he's got absolutely no fucking reason to be in this stupid city except for a lease that costs way too much to break. He's basically just here working a lame ass job he hates and spending way too much on rent for a shitty apartment that he's also kind of starting to hate. But when he starts drinking too much, all that stuff he's been trying really hard to forget becomes kind of fucking hard to ignore.

So he starts bitching about it. Rachel keeps trying to act concerned, but she's way too fucking happy and smiley to make it seem anything close to legit. He doesn't hold it against her, though, because that's just how she gets when she's drunk. It also doesn't stop him from bitching.

"This whole fucking city is stupid and pointless."

"I love this city!"

"What the hell am I even doing here? It's not like I can work on music or anything. I wouldn't even fucking work on it if my guitar didn't get stolen because this whole place is full of people who don't make it."

"I'm going to make it!" She's got way more confidence now than she did while she was sober and freaking out about flunking out of college. "Noah, you will, too!"

He rolls his eyes, and she kind of smacks his arm. He doesn't know what the hell that's about, but he doesn't care. "I hate it here."

"No, you don't. It's New York!"

"What the hell am I even doing here?" He's being dead ass serious. "There's no fucking point in me being here."

"Yes, there is!" And Rachel's nodding all fast and hyper and shit. "Me. You have to be here for me!" Leave it to Rachel to make everybody else's problems about her.

And he doesn't know what that's supposed to mean. Like it probably means nothing. It probably goes all the way back to last year when she was freaking out because Kurt and Finn both coming to New York with her fell through. And then she acted like it was the greatest thing in the world when he said he was going, but he knew it was just because she didn't want to go alone. So now it's kind of like that all over again, but he's kind of too drunk to deal with this shit right now.

He's like way too drunk to deal with her kissing him.

He doesn't even know what the hell's going on at first, and it no lie takes him like a good ten seconds to even realize that she's doing it. He doesn't know why or whatever, but it probably takes another twenty before he has enough sense to pull away and ask her what the hell she's doing.

"You just look so hot when you're mad."

She's wasted because no way she says shit like that sober. He's not exactly sober himself, so he can't really help it when he smiles because she's giving him this cute as hell look like she's almost embarrassed or knows she should be or something.

"Don't kiss me, Rachel."

"Why? You don't like me?"

She sounds about fifteen or something. He wants to tell her that, but he figures he should just answer the question instead because it's easier. He's definitely not confirming or denying anything about liking her when he's this drunk. Instead, he kind of just uses that as his excuse.

"Because you're fucking drunk."

"So are you."

"Yeah, no shit." And he doesn't even know what he's saying really, it just sounds right in his head.

Rachel's got this really weird look on her face, like he can't tell if she's going for pissed or sexy, but she's not really doing either one of them too well. But she's all like, "We've kissed before," and puts her hands on her hips like she's going to lecture him or something.

He just shuts it down. No way is he getting into this right now, no way. "Yeah, and that always turned out great for us."

She's pissed now. And she throws her arms across her chest and kind of looks at him like he's in deep shit or something. "You're being a jerk."

He laughs because... what? Like what is she even talking about right now? He can't figure out which one of them is drunker, but neither one of them is sober enough to be having this conversation.

"I'm not being a jerk, Rachel. You just shouldn't... Jesus, just don't, okay?"

He's a fucking idiot for sure because why the hell else would he be turning her down? He doesn't even know what she wants right now, but he knows better than to ask or like try to find out because if he gets just a tease, he's not gonna want to stop. And that ain't gonna be good for either one of them.

She turns around and like for real stomps into his bathroom and slams the door. He just sits down on his bed because he needs to sober up fast or something, or shit's gonna get real stupid. He hates the way she's one of those chicks who can kiss him and leave him feeling it after. He doesn't want to think about how much fun it is to make out with her, and yeah, he knows from personal experience, okay? It's just not a good thing to remember right now.

He's kind of surprised when she comes out of the bathroom and actually climbs into his bed. He totally expected her to have some total diva fit and insist on going back to her dorm in the middle of the fucking night. He was already planning on stopping her and telling her to stop being stupid and all this stuff, but turns out, he doesn't even have to use it. She just climbs past him and lays down and pulls the covers all the way up to her head. He tries really hard not to notice, but he knows she's taking her jeans off under the blanket because that's what she always does when she sleeps over here without any other clothes.

He lays down with her because it's weird if he doesn't. He feels like shit, and he really doesn't need a half-naked girl in bed with him if he's trying to be all good guy and shit. Hell, he really doesn't need a half-naked Rachel anywhere close to him right now. Too. Fucking. Drunk. He feels like an asshole because she rolls over so her back's to him and she's facing the wall. He knows that means she's pissed or embarrassed or something, and he wishes she were a little bit more drunk so she would wake up and not remember any of this.

"Rachel." He doesn't even know what the hell he's saying right now or why. But he feels weird with it being all silent and shit. She ignores him, just like he expects, so he just keeps going. "Rachel, don't be pissed at me." She still doesn't say anything, so finally he's just, "Rachel," and she finally turns her head and looks at him.

He shouldn't lean over and kiss her. Like out of all the things in the world he shouldn't do right now, that's probably at the top of the list. But fuck. It's like he can't even control his shit, and he just wants to, okay?

This is the dumbest night ever. Seriously. Like he doesn't even know what happened to get them to this point because it was just a pretty fucking normal night up until a little while ago when she suddenly decided to throw herself at him. And they're both drunk, so this is probably really stupid. But he can't think about anything else right now because Rachel's totally into it, and making out with her is even kind of more fun than he remembers- probably because when she rolls on top of him and straddles his hips, there's literally just underwear between them.

She's being super fucking controlling and possessive, and he doesn't hate it, okay? Like he's not some douchebag who has to be in control a hundred percent of the time or anything- sometimes it's pretty hot when girls take that initiative or whatever. And Rachel's a control freak, so it's not even like he's surprised a little bit or anything. She's hot, he's hot, it just feels hot, okay?

He totally shouldn't take her shirt off, but he does anyway. She doesn't care or anything, and all she does is like grab it from him and throw it in the floor. He's not surprised by how hot she is or anything because he's kind of spent plenty of time looking at her, so it's not like he can't imagine or whatever. But still, he can appreciate a girl's body when it's deserved, and Rachel may be tiny, but she's freaking sexy.

But seriously. If they don't cut it out, he's gonna have sex with her, and that's like the last thing that needs to happen while they're both wasted and doing all this crap for like no obvious reason whatsoever. It's like she can read his mind or something, though, because she's like pulling up for just a second going, "I'm not that drunk."

She is. But that's not the issue here. Or it kind of is. Or fuck. Whatever.

They don't have sex.

They do enough, but they don't do that. And it's like a total testament to his maturity that they don't because Rachel's practically begging for it. But he sees like three things when he looks at her: Drunk, Emotional, and Finn. All of those are good reasons not to fuck a chick. But then there's also the fact that she's Rachel, and she's kind of like the closest thing he has to a girl best friend these days. So yeah, she's hot and he's into her in a way he probably shouldn't be, but it's not worth making things weird between them just so he can get his dick wet.

She's definitely not just a chick he can screw around with without strings.

It's pointless, though.

He should have just fucked her because the next morning, she looks like she wants to cry, and she grabs her stuff and runs out of his apartment so fast that he's not even sure she actually left til he looks in the bathroom and sees that she's not there. He doesn't know what to do, so he just lays in bed all morning and tries really fucking hard not to think too much about it.

She'll get over it, okay? They didn't even do anything. Well, they did, but they didn't have sex, and it's sex that makes shit weird, right? Not making out and some fingering. Jesus, they've made out before. Fuck, he's an idiot, and he knows it.

This is exactly why he doesn't need friends who are girls.

A/N: Sorry I've been MIA. I've just been busy, and Glee's... yeah. I don't really know what to say. Anyway, the next part is definitely the last.