Mixed Feelings

Authors note: Hi guys! So, here I am again! I owe this to Badhairdays (you are awesome) for giving me this idea to work on, and I just gotta say, I hope I can do it justice!

So basically, Steve is confused because he absolutely HAS to give Kono her badge back, but he also can't stop thinking about the implications of not being her boss anymore, there for being able to do things he couldn't before…

In the mean while, Kono is having the exact same thoughts, and although her badge was her life, she can't stop thinking about the possibilities that not working for Five-0 anymore could open for her and Steve…

So what do you think? Read the first chapter and let me know if it's worth continuing. Also let me know what rating you would like to see on this, because for now I'll just keep it a T.

Chapter 1

It annoyed him to no end. It seriously pissed him the hell off. Well, he seriously pissed himself off. Because he couldn't believe that Kono had lost her badge and her job on his watch and that he was supposed to help her, and instead he was lying on his bed not being able to fall asleep because he couldn't stop thinking about what the possibilities would be if he was not her boss anymore.

It wasn't something he tried to deny, at least not by now. He had realized he felt this way about her for a long time and after months of avoiding and denying, he finally admitted it to himself. Not that it changed anything though; he still woke up covered in sweat every time he had a dream about her- and believe me, not the bad kind of sweat, more like the hot and bothered kind of sweat-, he still had to use complete self restraint at work to stop himself from looking at her every other minute, he still felt that tightening knot when she was in any kind of danger. In conclusion- he was still completely smitten about her.

Only in the past, when thoughts of her entered his mind, namely thoughts of her long tanned legs wrapping around his waist and- focus, focus - whenever thoughts like that came to mind, he would just bring up the old fashion excuses that he got more tired with day after day.

You're her boss.

She's Chin Ho's cousin.

You're supposed to protect her, not have feelings for her.

She works with you.

But the words just seemed meaningless as he used them all too often. And as they just lost meaning to him, the thoughts invaded his mind without his permission, and he was left wondering… wondering what would be like to hold her, wondering what would be like to kiss her, wondering what would be like to make love to her. Wondering… not something he was very good at. He was more like the –act now, wonder later- kind of guy. But this time, he couldn't act on the damn thing. And so he settled for… wondering.

The problem was, he felt guilty for wondering. She had lost her freaking badge because he hadn't been able to protect her, it was his fault that she had lost her job that she considered one of the most important things to her, and even though he had every desire to give that life back to her, he also had every desire not to. Because now he wondered if the repercussions wouldn't be so bad anymore, he wondered if maybe now that he wasn't her boss, that she didn't work for him anymore, that there was no good reason stopping him, maybe he could make his move. And he hated himself for even thinking about that, but the worst part was:

He couldn't help it.


Kono sat in her couch, coffee mug in hand, pathetic sitcom on TV, her hair still wet from the shower she had taken and completely relaxed. A perfect way to spend a Saturday night without going out, right? Wrong, so wrong. Because from the outside, sure, she may have seemed loosened up and calm, but her head was anything but calm right now.

Not even surfing had helped her today; she hadn't been able to concentrate in the water. Thoughts whirled around at the speed of bullets on her mind and she just felt like she was about to explode at any second. So she came home, hoping the silence here could clear her head a bit. It didn't. It only made it worse, no distraction whatsoever.

And so she was left thinking.

About everything. About her badge. About Five-0. About her ohana. About how much she missed them. About how much she would have to suffer. About Chin. About Danny.

She thought of everything… but not Steve.

No, that was just out of question. That was a thought she had tried to repress since her investigation was over and she was no longer a cop. She wouldn't allow herself to think about it.

Except, that was what she wanted to think about. He was what she wanted to figure out right now. And it only infuriated her that even though her badge was gone, even though she didn't work at Five-0 anymore, even though she had been away from her family, she couldn't stop thinking about him. She just couldn't, because now she started reconsidering all those last few months spent as a team. And what they meant.

A few months after she had been working with them, she felt like Steve and her already had this sort of… silent agreement.

Gazes that lingered on each other, flirting constantly between them, brushing that was supposedly accidental, but that in truth was anything but. They were both very aware they couldn't go further than that, so the silent agreement was simply:

Don't do anything, and I won't either.

The problem was, since she could remember, she had wanted to break it over and over and over again. And she was sure he had wanted to do it too. But she just kept reminding herself.

He's your boss.

He's Chin's friend.

You're supposed to learn from him, not have feelings for him.

You work with him.

Not that those helped much. She still found herself looking at him whenever he didn't notice, or constantly thinking about him, or imagining him over her and with his- focus, focus – anyway, the words didn't help at all, because with time they became just that. Words. A group of letters that made no sense whatsoever anymore.

And she wanted to slap herself for that. Because instead of spending every waking minute hoping she'd get her badge back, she spent them trying to ignore the voice in her head that was always whispering to her:

But what if you didn't, what would happen then?

Nothing, she thought. Nothing would happen, because she didn't want it to happen. Yeah right, keep convincing yourself of that, maybe one day you'll actually believe it.

She hated herself for even thinking of the possibility that now that there were no barriers between them anymore, they could actually explore what they hadn't been able to do before. She hated herself for thinking that, but the worst part was:

She couldn't help it.


So… what do you think? Worth continuing? Did you like the different POV's? Their thoughts? Did you love it? Did you hate it? Please drop a review and let me know what you think and if I should continue!

Special thank you to Badhairdays, we kind of have been each other's betas… Love you girl, and don't forget, update!