So your in a Mass Effect Self insert

Well. You've come to that time in every fan fic writers life when, after reading the latest chapter of your favourite Self insert you thought "I can totally do that myself!" Well, I know I did!

In this instructional guide I will cover both how a poorly hidden fictionalised version of you can survive in Mass Effect. Then I will detail what the writer must do to make the Fan Fic successful... Ish.

So, you stuck in Mass Effect. A characters guide.

All righty. First some basic questions:

Where are you?

a. Citadel: Do yourself a favour and get yourself a translator quickly. Also, sell your 21st century stuff to make a quick pound or two.

b. Eden Prime: Okay, don't panic, just hide the hell away from any Geth and don't get killed.

Horizon: Your fucked. Try to get off their as fast as you can.

Omega: Good news! Your in a noir Fic. Follow instructions as if you were on the Citadel but remember. This is serious. Act moody and whine that everyone you love is dead.

E. Earth: Just get on with your life. Join a street gang or something cause there is no way your getting off that rock.

When are you?

A.2000: Dude, your practilly in the present. How can you tell your in Mass Effect any way?

B.2010: Shut up. Nothing happened to you!

C.2150's: Enjoy the First contact war. Say hi to such lovable characters as young Illusive man and Saren Arterious.

D. 2160's: Boring period. Nothing really happens. Your going to be what, like forty by Mass effect one, so try to become the Illusive man or the Shadow Broker to keep yourself entertained.

E. 2170's: See above.

F. 2181: 2 years before Mass Effect. A popular destination if you ever need just enough time to train and kick some ass. Also, invest your shares wisely.

G. 2182: Cutting it quite fine for time but still enough for a least one montage/ Time skip.

H. 2183:Get your ass to saving a squad mate. It's the only way your get on Shepard's crew.

I. 2184: Hey, sorry but you missed Mass Effect one. Still on time to train for Mass Effect two though.

J.2185: If you are in this year your writer has probably only played Mass Effect two. Try to save a squad mates life or something.

K. 2186: Not a freaking clue. Good luck.

How did you get there?:

A. Dying: Great news! Your writer has seen Ashes to Ashes or Life on Mars (Spoilers) and you are dead. So, no mystery there. Prepare for angst as you realise that you can't get back. This sensation will go away after roughly 14 chapters.

B. Xbox Live/ PSN/ Internet: Cliché as hell. But don't worry, there is escape from your story as usually ones that start like this sure as hell never finish satisfactorily.

C. Biotics: Hey, someone from the future wants you there. Good news, since they can travel through time and alternate universes they can clearly be a powerful ally in stopping the Reapers and any problems. If they fail, then just hop back a few seconds in time. Right?

D. Haven't a clue: Okay two options: 1. Writer doesn't care. Good, your story will be over in less then 6 chapters due to negative reviews about spelling and grammar. 2. Mystery: You will find out by the end. There will be clues and the reader can put it together about 3 chapters before the writer confirms it.

Finally, some basic tips for survival. Never attempt to change history for your benefit due to the simple negative correlation of Energy spent trying to improve universe and success at improving the universe. In layman's terms, don't try, good stuff happen. Also, if you are male, there is a 95% chance that the person you romance will be Tali. If there are more then one person in your self insert group, then it is almost certain. Finally, don't worry, you are the writers thinly veiled version of him/ her self. You will not die. Unless they are a particularly angsty teenage girl.

Tips for writers: In the last part of this Guide we covered tips for the self insert. But what about the god of this own mini universe the writer. Here are some extremely useful tips on how to write a successful Self Insert:

Be funny. This can not be stressed enough. At the end of the day 95% of the readers of FanFiction want to be entertained. They don't want your philosophy on the futility of life you stole off the back of a Textbook. They want witty humour. Subversions of Clichés, References to popular culture and more..

Plot. However, after a while readers will want some kind of intellectual stimulation, they want gripping tales and new ideas. They want to like your character. They want to care what happens to the universe. Make sure you can offer that.

Spelling and Grammer: Simple test, what was spelt wrong in this story? If you worked it out, then you don't need much help. If however you spotted nothing, then actually have a dictionary by your side as you write the story and have someone else, preferably someone you can spell, spell check it for you.

Description. Please please please never write "Can't think of a description, just read!" This will piss off and deter any readers from even attempting this story. Write something short and to the point, write like a advert for a TV show. For example: "In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane. Charles Morgan is that man."

Read TV tropes. This website is one of the most important tools for a writer. Not only does it describe in detail certain repeated elements of fiction are and how to use them, but particularly good works will have a article on their. I know two Mass Effect self inserts with articles, Mass Vexations and Masses to Masses. Read them. It can help you be original and write well.

The title. A unofficial law of all Mass Effect self inserts is that the title absolutely must be a pun of the words "Mass" or "Effect". Follow this and you will increase readership my 60%.

Shipping/Romances. Finally, gone are the days when a self insert could romance Tali un ironically. Now readers want exciting and surprising romances. Why not Jack, who gets the least love in Shipping/romance. Or a minor character like Kal reegar or more. Be original.

I hope these instructional Tips have been useful to your future/present career of a self insert writer. Good luck and you'll probably see me reviewing your story in the future.

Empeorie, were done here.