Spongebob Squarepants, and How He Helped The Doctor and Rose Ruin Jackie's Living Room

So, I apologize for the increasing tendency for the Doctor and Rose to be drunk
in my fics. Ah well. -shrugs- This was orginally written for the TTU ficathon, with
the prompt of 'wine' but I've made some minor changes since then. Enjoy! xD


Now, before anyone makes any accusations, Jackie Tyler would call herself a damn good mother. Both strict and lenient, she let Rose find her own way in the world. If they never make mistakes they'll never learn, as her own mother used to say. Jackie used that a lot when it came to her daughter, and Rose came out damn well, if she did say so herself.

But this was taking the biscuit.

Cushions are everywhere; the coffee table is on it's side; the TV is playing her son's Spongebob Squarepants DVD; her good fabric lampshade is in tatters across the room; there is a large wine-red stain on her cream carpet; popcorn iss in every nook and cranny, there is what looked like the remains of her blender strewn across the naked couch - the seat cushions had been removed and are now being used as pillows for the two that had done this to Jackie Tyler's sitting room.

It wasn't her four-year-old son Tony, and his best friend and sidekick Melody who had done this either, she hastens to add whenever she tells this story to her friends over tea and Eastenders gossip. Oh no. It was her twenty-five year old daughter and her looks-thirty-but-is-actually-nine-hundred-but-on-the-other-hand-he's-ten-months-old boyfriend.

Actually, she says pillows, but only one was lying on it. The boyfriend is jumping on the other sofa, yelling out the lyrics to the Spongebob Squarepants theme tune, while her daughter is looking on and laughing and butting in when she wants to. They haven't noticed Jackie, Pete and Tony's return from the Tesco run yet. Pete is trying not to laugh, why Tony doesn't really know what they were doing and if it is supposed to be funny or not.

"Whooooooooo lives in a pineapple under the sea?"

"SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!" Rose yells, clearly having far too much fun.

"Covered in yellow and pores is he!"

"SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!"

"Spongebob Squarepants, Spongebob Squarepants, SPONGEBOOOOB, SQUAREPAAAAAAAAA-AHHHH!"

That'll be him then, falling of the sofa and onto the side of the coffee table in shock at seeing the three of them in the doorway.

Tony bursts into giggles at his kind-of-brother-and-best-ever-babysitter's antics.

"Mum!" Rose says, lifting her head up of the pillow. "You're home early!"

"Early worm catches the bird!" a voice pipes up from out of sight. Clearly he hasn't made an effort to move since he fell. "Wait, that's not right … " the voice trails off, clearly confused.

"Mum!" Rose says again, managing to get her whole upper body off the floor this time. "Aren't you home a bit early?" she repeats, frowning.

"We were only going to Tesco," Jackie says through gritted teeth, dumping the shopping and walking into the living room. "You two better start talkin' before my hand starts slappin'."

This gets the Doctor's attention, and he jumps up from behind the sofa like a pop-up cartoon. "See, the thing is, Jackie," he says, trying to be serious but completely unable to focus on any one of their faces. "It's hard, being a Time Lord and not being in space and time anymore. It's hard."

"Don't you dare play the 'Time Lord' card with me," Jackie says, pointing her finger in his face. His eyes focus on it and it makes him cross-eyed. Behind her, she can hear Tony laughing at his expression. "You were perfectly fine when we left, as you have been for a while so don't even start. You're only half anyway."

The Doctor gasps, one would say quite theatrically if he wasn't being completely serious, as if she has mortally offended him somehow.

"And even so - the solution is to wreak my living room?"

"You left us," the Doctor says, trying a different angle this time. He's swaying quite dangerously on his feet now. "You left us all on our own and we were bored."

"Are you eight?" Jackie screeches, and the Doctor winces, before something dawns on him and he smiles.

"I'm ten months old!" he crows, and bursts into laughter; Rose follows him, and he turns around and looks at her, and laughs some more.

"You're the worst-behaved ten month old in the world."

Rose giggles at this, and Jackie's eyes snap to her.

"Yes, you, madam! You're being silent in the background. Explain yourself." Inside, Jackie smirks. She knows her daughter better than anyone, maybe except the half-alien currently eating popcorn off her living room floor. And what she does know about her daughter is that for her, alcohol is truth serum. See, Rose could lie with the best of them, but not when she's drunk. She's almost physically incapable of telling a lie whilst inebriated.

Already, Jackie can see the signs; sweaty palms, check. Biting of the lip, check. Nervous tucking of the hair behind the ear, check.

"Well, Mum, the thing is, the Doctor wondered - "

"Oh yeah, that's right, blame it all on me!"

"He wondered if wine was still made from grapes in this universe. So we did some very, very, um, Torchwood-y research," Rose finishes, and it is only then that Jackie notices the (very expensive) bottle of Petrus wine clutched between Rose's fingers that had been, until about an hour ago, aging gently in the Tyler cellar. She then sees there are a few scattered around the room, and she wonders just how many thousands of pounds they've drunk away in the last hour and a half.

"Rose Marion Tyler," Jackie says, her voice slow and laced with anger, "do you mean to say you've drunk all of my wine?"

Rose giggles, hiccupping slightly. The Doctor laughs too.

"No," he says for her, shaking his head. "Not all of them. Just the dusty ones."

"The dusty ones," Jackie repeats, barely able to comprehend this. "As in the ones that have been there for hundreds of years?"

"Yeah!" the Doctor says, as if he's glad Jackie's finally getting it, and seemingly in the dark about the importance (and price) of the wine. "You wouldn't have wanted it. It was old. Really old. Terribly old. Impossibly old. Older than me, probably, and I don't say that often."

He hiccups, and laughs.

Jackie raises her hand as though to slap him, and he cowers. She lowers her hand but her glare doesn't weaken.

"I'm going to the cellar to see what damage you two have done. Clear this up, the both of you," she says, and Rose and the Doctor share a look when Jackie's back in turned.

"I feel sorry for both of you," Pete says, shrugging, as he starts carting the shopping through from the hallway to the living room. Even though they're rich and a little bit famous, Jackie always likes to live her life as normally as she did on the estate, and that includes the weekly shop.

"Why?" Tony pipes up from the sofa, where he has been sneakily eating popcorn from around the room. "What's Rose an' the Doctor done?"

"They've … " Pete trails off, unable to explain the drunken state of the two adults to a four year old. "They've had a bit too much to drink, little man."

Tony sighs, as if this is a somewhat daily occurrence. He wanders over to the Doctor, picking a piece of popcorn off the older man's jeans as he approaches.

"S'up, Tony?" the Doctor says, more slurring his words than being gangster as he takes in the small boy at his shins.

Which the little boy promptly kicks.

The Doctor's down on the floor, clutching his shin and yelling, glaring at Tony best he can. Rose wanders over and crouches down to Tony's level. Pete comes back in from the kitchen as Jackie pokes her head up from the cellar, alerted to the alteration by the Doctor's manly shout.

"Why'd'ya do that, Tony?" Rose asks, as Tony calmly turns to his big sister with a serious expression.

"Because," Tony says, rather matter-of-factly. "That's what Mum always says she'll do whenever she finds the Doctor has drunken all the banana milkshake."