A/N: I know, I suck! It seems like things just never slow down. I moved shortly after I posted 7 and then things just kind of took off from there. On the positive side I started taking a medication to help my depression and it is working wonderfully. On the downside, the lack of shutting myself in to read and write fic has resulted in much less being produced.
This isn't a long chapter like the others but I wanted to get the conversation over with and get everything out in the open. I hope you all like it as I am nervous because of all the build up. I am also kind of wondering where to go from here. I would love to say that this series is going to continue but I think It would be nicer of me to say this is the end point and its more likely to get a one-shot in this universe every now and then. So I hope you enjoy and aren't too mad at me for the insane lack of writing recently.
By the end of glee it seemed like everyone except for Mercedes had gotten over the surprising intensity of Kurt's performance. People strolled out of the room barely noticing Kurt and Puck still sitting side by side. It was as if the two had made a silent agreement to be the last ones out of the room. Or maybe they both just had the same idea of "if I don't move then there is a chance everyone will forget I'm here." It was obvious that there was no such luck as Mercedes made her way over to them with her eyes clearly trained on Puck.
"It seems you've convinced my boy Kurt here that you've changed your ways and you play nice now but I don't believe it yet. You've been a jerk way too long and you've always used people to get what you want. But Lord help me Puck, if you drop my boy like a ton of bricks when you get whatever it is you want out of him, I will make sure it's the last thing you ever do to hurt anyone." Mercedes softened her expression slightly but still looked perturbed as her attention turned to Kurt. "Boo, you know I love you but be careful okay? If not for yourself then do it for me because I really don't want to see you hurt."
Mercedes didn't wait for an answer knowing well enough that Kurt would probably just play offended at the thought that he couldn't take care of himself. She had seen that look enough times to know when it was coming. Kurt could be difficult and he had too much pride which meant that he got hurt because he wouldn't just do himself a favor and play it safe. She knew better than anyone else his need to be a diva because it was what brought them together in the first place but it didn't mean that she sometimes wished he would just tone it down for his own good.
Once she was gone Puck turned to Kurt and let his arm fall forward off of the back of the chair and rest heavily around Kurt's waist.
Kurt was shocked. He wasn't sure what to expect but he had just bared his soul through song and Puck was being way to nonchalant about the whole thing.
"So are we not even going to acknowledge what just happened here?"
"It's going to take a lot more than Aretha to scare me off at this point."
"I wasn't talking about that, I meant-"
"I know what you meant," Puck interrupted.
"Look I get it okay and I'm trying to be gentle with all of this stuff but I'm not used to someone… depending on me and crap. Quinn gave away our kid because she knew I couldn't be that guy. So I am trying but that's all I've got for you right now."
Kurt sometimes wondered if Puck had more issues than he did. Between whatever it was that made him act out for so long, probably his dad leaving, and what went down last year with Quinn and the whole 'baby-gate' drama it wouldn't be much of a shock.
"I guess that'll do then. Anyway, we have a lot to talk about as it is today so I'll let all of that self deprecating commentary go for the time being but we will be addressing your surprising lack of self esteem at some point."
"I didn't understand most of what you just said so if I say 'fine' can we just get out of here?"
Kurt smirked at him and then stood up shouldering his bag and walking off towards the door. Puck couldn't help but admire his ass as he went to follow him out to the parking lot. He thought that Kurt had rebounded well enough from the emotional performance earlier. Hopefully their discussion to come wouldn't be too intense because Puck kind of thought happy Kurt was fucking hot.
Puck followed Kurt into his house feeling like this was the best routine he had ever developed. Kurt hung up his coat and walked into the TV room without even looking back at him. He shut the front door and hung his own letterman jacket before following. Kurt was already waiting for him sitting on the edge of the couch and leaning forward.
"How do you want to do this? I know that you wanted to talk to me but there are also some things that I have wanted to tell you too," Kurt started.
"I think I might actually have an idea what you're going to say."
The look of shock on Kurt's face quickly faded to disbelief.
"Trust me when I say that it's not likely. I don't think you could fathom something of this magnitude without your head exploding."
Kurt laughed but it was a dark sort of tone, not the bright sound Puck had grown to love. Puck hated the way he did that sometimes. He had noticed that Kurt tended to think the worst of people, and that was one thing but part of it also sounded like Kurt didn't believe that he was good enough. It was almost like he thought he was such a freak that he deserved it when other people blew up at him. Puck couldn't let someone he cared about, possibly the first person he had ever cared about in this way, think about himself like that.
"Hey!" Puck suddenly found himself angry and in need to take charge. "Look, when I said we needed to have a talk maybe I should have been clearer or whatever. What I mean was that I think you've been holding back on me and that's gotta stop. Whatever this thing is we are doing here, it can't work if we don't trust each other. I finally got you to stop having a damn seizure every time I tried to touch you but that doesn't mean you can stay closed off inside too."
Kurt didn't think he had ever heard Puck string together so many words in such an almost well thought out way. There was no foul language and it sounded really honest actually. It's not like Puck had been a complete jerk to him lately and it was obvious that he was making an effort even if he made a gargantuan mess of it most of the time. But this was new, this verbalizing person in front of him.
"Sorry, I didn't realize- I mean, I guess that's just my natural tendency. I'll try to be more forthcoming."
"Good, and while you're at it maybe you can not use all the crazy big words all the time. It's hot that you're smart and shit but let's just keep it simple okay? I have a feeling this thing is gonna get complicated enough without me needing a dictionary to decode half of what you're saying."
Kurt couldn't tell whether the blush he was sporting was because of the fact that Puck had given him a compliment about his being smart or, more likely, that he had used that other word again. Kurt didn't understand for a minute how the word 'hot' and him had ended up in the same sentence repeatedly but he wasn't exactly about to ask Puck to stop.
"I think I can handle that."
Puck shoved his hands in his pockets knowing that this was where it was going to start. They were actually going to talk about what was going on between them. Puck was still getting used to there being a 'them' in the first place. He had no clue how it had happened that Kurt fucking Hummel and him had wound up in a position where they could be referred to together but it felt so right to think about it that way.
"Did you want to sit down? You don't have to but… I have a feeling this could be a long talk and I can't guarantee it's all going to make the most sense for you."
"Yeah," Puck shrugged with his hands still in his pockets trying to fight off the unusual nerves he was having. "Sitting might be a good idea for this."
Puck walked over and sat next to Kurt. They both turned a little bit so that they were facing each other. Kurt was bouncing one of his legs up and down so fast that it was almost a blur. Puck reached over to still him but kept his hand on Kurt's thigh until their eyes finally connected. Puck was leaning towards Kurt in order to initiate the contact.
"I'm not gonna run you know. Whatever you tell me, I'm here."
"I wish I could know that. I want more than anything to feel like what I have to say is as simple as telling you that I like warm milk before bed on long stressful days but the truth, in this case, is that I've never told anyone what I'm going to tell you. I haven't even told my dad. The one man who has been there for me my whole life and I can't talk to him about this because I'm scared that it'll give him another heart attack or something."
Kurt could feel the tears building up behind his eyes and he felt so pathetic. He wished that Puck didn't have to see him cry so much. He wanted to be strong and confident but it was a hazard of being beaten down so often, both literally and figuratively, that his instincts were to anticipate being hurt every time he came close to baring his soul to anyone.
"So, no, I'd like to have the comfort of knowing you'll stick around after this but there is a big part of me that is screaming right now to just throw you out and tell you to forget any of this has ever happened."
Puck didn't know what to say to that. He knew that he and Kurt had worked through the majority of their previous bully/bullied relationship but he was also well aware that he was one guy. Kurt lived in a world where people threw him around daily and called him names without even thinking about the damage they were doing. This was the result of all of those years of stupidity and hate. Kurt was sitting before him afraid to let him in, afraid to let anyone in, and Puck didn't know he could feel any worse than he already did about being one of the people who had forced Kurt to build up those walls. What the hell was he supposed to say to undo all of the damage of the past, what, 8 years at least? If there was something he sure as fuck couldn't think of it.
Puck figured that if there was one thing that was great about him and Kurt it was that when they had a rough day they mostly just liked having each other close, physically. They weren't particularly verbal all the time but they had their own language which consisted of soft whispered caresses, and firm arms holding tightly. They had whole conversations without a single word being said.
With that idea in mind Puck figured the best way to relax Kurt and get him to open up and know that he was really, honestly, truly there was to use that kind of language to convince him.
Puck let his hand travel from Kurt's thigh to his waist, and then trailed it around his back to pull him flush against his side. He reached his other hand up to guide Kurt's head to his shoulder before pulling him so that he was just holding him in a loose hug while they both just breathed for a minute.
After a little while the inhale and exhale of air was the only sound in the room, and Kurt found himself starting to giggle.
"I swear I don't know if I will ever get over the fact that it was you who finally broke through. It might have hurt every day but I had accepted the fact that I was going to be alone until I went off to college, unless 'prince charming' showed up out of some fairy tale and swept me off my feet."
Kurt lifted his head so that he was looking directly at Puck before he finished.
"Who knew that what I should have been waiting for was a bad boy type with a mohawk and a guitar."
They both laughed a little at the way that Kurt had summed him up. Puck mostly found it amusing because he knew that even though that was what everyone saw when they looked at him, Kurt was commenting on how he had finally seen past that and knew he had more to offer than anyone had ever cared to see before.
"Ass, babe. Bad boy makes it sound like your casting me as the member of some boy band. I'm called a badass."
"I don't know. From what I can tell it's not a bad ass at all."
Suddenly they both stopped their laughter. Kurt couldn't believe he had said that out loud. This whole conversation was going wildly out of his control but in a not bad way at all, and honestly he didn't think they had reached what either of them had intended to talk about in the slightest.
Kurt took comfort in the fact that Puck's arms around him didn't loosen at all. In fact if he was correct Puck was tightening his hold a bit. He pulled himself from the shock of his own forwardness and found Puck analyzing his face.
"You done over thinking now?"
Kurt let his hands wander from his own lap for the first time since Puck had pulled him close and found them taking up residence on the front of Puck's tee shirt. It was some atrocious black cotton with a hole in the underarm and a faded skull design on the front. He could feel the taught muscles of Puck's self proclaimed amazing abs (who was he to disagree) beneath the fabric as his fingers trailed up to his chest.
Kurt wasn't completely confident in his ability to speak now but he was able to get out a breathy, "Yeah, sorry."
Puck was done fighting it. Kurt had his freaking hands on his chest and he was looking up at him with all pink cheeks and soft lips. Puck leaned down slightly, closing the inches separating their faces and pressed his lips to Kurt's. Those lips were even softer than they looked and the little whimper that Kurt let out when they finally touched was just about the hottest thing he had ever heard. Puck took the opportunity when Kurt's lips parted to suck the lower one into his mouth and bite down gently on it tugging as he pulled back before letting go.
Kurt didn't even try to find words this time but just nodded instead. He was the one to lean up for the second kiss spurring Puck on even more. Brittany had told him that boys tasted like burgers or dip and honestly as far as he could remember the only thing he had tasted off of Karofsky was his own fear. But this was nothing like he had expected. Puck's lips didn't really taste of food or anything distinguishable. It wasn't a particularly sweet taste. He thought to himself that he simply tasted like Puck.
When their lips met for the second time Puck slowly opened up Kurt's with his own mouth and let his tongue slide in gently seeking out permission to have his way. Kurt was making more of his ridiculously sexy noises, which were basically him whining and keening into Puck's mouth. When their tongues touched Kurt surged forward bringing his arms around Puck's neck to pull him in closer. Puck lapped at Kurt's mouth in response trying to taste every bit of tender pink before teasingly pulling back so he could listen to Kurt some more. Kurt was breathing heavy and had his eyes closed in a dreamy look. Every couple of seconds he would hum or give out a small needy mewl. Puck took his time kissing the side of Kurt's mouth or trailing up and down that soft jaw line to allow him to keep up the soundtrack.
Eventually Kurt couldn't take the teasing anymore. He let his head fall to Puck's shoulder and buried his face in the warm, slightly moist skin of his neck.
"I know babe. I've got you."
Puck let his arms tighten around Kurt and he rocked them slightly just enjoying the feel of air caressing his neck as Kurt calmed down. This wasn't his first kiss or anything so he could keep it together and allow Kurt the moment to regroup but he was also thankful for the break. That kiss was full of want and passion and build-up, oh god the fucking build-up of more than a week of confusion. Puck was having a little trouble right now keeping himself calm, or more specifically one part of his anatomy. He wasn't about to try and push this any further because he was sure this was Kurt's first time and he deserved to be able to enjoy it just as it was. Plus, they did have a discussion to get back to at some point, not that anyone was rushing here.
Kurt was kind of stuck in some mental replay situation where he just kept repeating the same thoughts over and over to himself in his head. Puck had kissed him. He kissed Puck back. He currently had his face in Puck's neck breathing in the scent of musky skin and sweat and Puck! This was quickly becoming his favorite moment ever and nothing could ruin it. Over and over thoughts kept repeating.
Kurt didn't know how long they had been in that position but eventually his mind slowed down its loop and he came back to reality and the knowledge that they still had to address a lot of things before his dad got home. With one last sigh and a quick nuzzle into the heat of Puck's pulse point, Kurt pulled away to look at Puck again.
"I wish that had been my first time."
Kurt didn't know how that wound up being the first word's out of his mouth but there they were. Puck was giving him a sad look now and he wanted more than anything to take it back. But then Puck was leaning in and pressing a gentle, sure kiss to his lips. When he pulled away he looked deeply into Kurt's eyes so that he couldn't miss it when he spoke.
"It was the first time that counted, babe."
Kurt smiled so brightly that he thought his face might actually break from stretching so wide. How had he wound up so lucky? This was going so much better than he could have ever anticipated already. Kurt slipped out of Puck's grasp and slid so that his back was to the opposite side of the couch. He pulled his legs up under himself and wrapped one arm around his waist to hold his own arm.
"Now I guess we should actually have that talk."
"I don't want to push you but I think that might be a good idea. I have some guesses but I don't want to say the wrong thing and make a fool out of myself here so maybe you should just tell me what's up."
Kurt took in a deep breath and held it as he turned his head to survey the room. He didn't have any clue how to start this conversation. It wasn't like he had ever actually told anyone before and even though he had thought about what to say in his head, there was suddenly nothing but blank canvas where his mentally prepared speeches had been before.
"I, um- Well I guess I could start by telling you that I'm not really gay. I know everyone thinks that I am but I'm not. Or well, I don't think I am, technically. Wow, so this is not coming out right at all."
Kurt was shaking his head with his eyes closed and Puck just didn't want him to freak out. He reached out and pried Kurt's death grip off of his own arm and held his hand.
"I think I get it. I mean I know we just made out and all but it didn't feel gay to me. I don't really know what gay feels like but that just felt kind of less dudely, right? I mean it just kind of felt right to me. It didn't feel like a guy kiss or a girl kiss just, ya know…"
Puck figured he must have said something good because Kurt was smiling again now.
"Yes, it definitely felt right." Kurt squeezed Puck's hand in his. "But I'm not gay because I don't really see myself as a guy."
There it was. He had finally said it out loud to someone for the first time and he didn't even stutter. Kurt was holding his breath again and looking at Puck waiting for some kind of response. Was he going to blow up? Was he going to leave? Maybe he was going to look like he misheard him? But when Kurt finally saw Puck meet his eyes, he looked… relieved, actually.
"Are you okay now, convinced I'm not going to just bolt out the door now that you've said it? It's okay Kurt. We are okay."
Puck leaned over to press a kiss to his lips again and pull him back over closer to his side of the couch. And, wow, Kurt was going to have to get familiar with this because if Puck was going to keep kissing him like it was the simplest and most normal act on the face of the planet, concentrating on speaking was going to be exceptionally difficult.
"I don't know how I got so lucky but you are making this way too easy for me. I've spent so much time preparing for the worst that I don't know what to do with how well you are taking this all. And I haven't even gotten to the details yet."
"Get used to it babe because I love it when you look at me all proud and surprised at how good I can be. At least I know I'm doing something right."
"Hey, stop that." Kurt swatted at his shoulder. "You're talking about my boyfriend there."
It was the first time that either of them had used the word and it wasn't like they had decided that was what they were now but it felt right. Kurt didn't even have to think before he said it. Puck was talking Kurt's hand again to regain his focus from his latest little mini-freak out. God, Puck found it so cute how quickly Kurt got thrown off and needed to be pulled back from his own head.
"I think I'm good with that," Puck said with a smirk. "Now, why don't you start to fill me in on some of those details you were talking about before? As much as I'm cool with this all, I have no clue what it all means beyond a whole lot of really weird, perfect sense."
They both laughed at Puck's summary of the situation before Kurt was snuggling back into Puck's arm against the couch. This was going to take a while but they were both comfortable with that, and each other.
"Honestly, it's not like I've always known. I've read stories about people who say that they knew as far back as they could remember that they were in the wrong body. It wasn't like that for me. Sure, I was always uncomfortable in my own skin, sort of. But I just thought it was because I wanted to be taller, or skinnier, or more perfect. Then I grew and started slimming down, and even then I wasn't happy."
Kurt was shaking his head again and getting lost in his head but Puck let him this time. He knew it must have been hard to put all of this into words and he would be there if he was needed but he also knew that Kurt's safe place was in his own head and if that was where he needed to go to get through this then that was fine. Puck was good holding his hand and waiting for him to come back.
"I remember the first time I hear the word gay. It was fourth grade. We were talking about a story that we had read for class, The Legend of Sleepy Hallow. It must have been around Halloween. I laughed and made some joke about the guy's nose being like a bird and I was giggling to myself when they kid next to me turned and told me to shut up. He was loud and everyone was looking at us, and then he said it. 'You're so gay!' I didn't know what he meant but the teacher told us to settle down and moved on trying to get the other kids to stop laughing."
Puck felt so bad for him. By the look on his face it was obvious that this thing which happened years ago still hurt him a lot. It wasn't fair how much Kurt had to deal with, and for so long. Puck hated that he had ever been a part of that pain for Kurt.
"It was like a floodgate had opened after that. It's almost funny because for the fact that I had never heard that word before it felt like I couldn't stop hearing it after that day. Part of me was glad once I found out what it meant. I knew that it was true. I never wanted to kiss the other girls when I was little like the other boys joked about. I knew that I was attracted to boys, and now I had a name for that. It wasn't long after that I did my research and found gay stereotypes who looked and acted like me. No matter what I did though I just never felt right. It felt like I was playing a part, the best acting performance of my life. It just wasn't me."
Puck watched as something in Kurt's eyes shifted. His face got softer and his eyes brighter as if he was remembering something good finally. The look on Kurt's face was so happy and Puck took a minute to enjoy it because he had a feeling it wasn't going to stay there once Kurt got back to his explanation.
"My mom used to have this silk robe. My dad bought it for her, I think, and she loved it. She would let me wear it sometimes when she got ready to go out and I would be following her around with it flowing out behind me. After she died my dad got rid of it. I spent weeks after she died laying by her dresser and smelling her perfume wishing I had the soft caress of that robe back. I think it was probably right after I joined glee club that Mercedes and I were shopping and she wanted to go to Victoria's Secret." Kurt laughed again in that not really funny way. "Sometimes it's the simplest thing that totally changes your life. We were in the store and I was running my hand along feeling the fabric idly when I touched this robe and the memory of my mom popped into my head. When I looked, there was a little black silk robe on a hanger. I was barely thinking when I took it up to the register and paid for it. I'd like to think my mother knew that when I grew up I wanted to be just like her. When I got home I stood in front of my mirror and thought that I finally felt like me. When I closed my eyes and pictured myself having never been a boy at all or with some guy next to me knowing I was his girlfriend it just finally made sense to me."
Kurt closed his eyes and tried to regain his senses. There was a lot more to it but that was what he needed to say. He hoped that Puck could understand it all because it was hard enough getting that all out. Kurt opened his eyes and Puck was sitting there looking at him patiently waiting.
"I've known since then but you're the first person I've told, and it just hurt's so much keeping it all to myself." Suddenly, Kurt was crying again and falling forward into Puck's arms where Puck held him and stroked his back. "I'm so glad that you proved me wrong. I'm so glad that you're here, Puck."
"I told you, I've got you. I can't say that I understand because I can't imagine what that all must have been like but you are the bravest and strongest person I know babe. I'm glad that I finally see you for who you are too."
Puck placed a kiss to the top of Kurt's head as he softly cried into his chest. If anyone else saw him right now they would be shocked. Hell, he would even call himself a pussy right now. There was nothing badass about this whole situation right now but he didn't care. Kurt was there and needed him and they were finally on the same page. Reputation be damned, he was doing this.
End Note: Sorry again for the abrupt ending of the series. As I said, I would like to do a couple of one shots. Maybe one from Burt's POV telling what happens from here and a conversation where Kurt finally comes out to him.
Another where Kurt picks out a chosen name and where he can start living as female and exploring what that means for her. I intentionally used male pronouns throughout this series because I think that it's a big deal to actually make that transition into the feminine and as a trans person it took me a long time before even I felt comfortable with the newness of those words.
I'd also kind of like to do some other monumental points in their relationship such as a coming out to their friends, Puck dealing with what his sexuality now is, What exactly sex for them is like. Hint: in my mind its not just the same as gay sex.
So if I ever stop being a douche canoe and actually start writing again maybe you will all get some more Puckurty goodness. For now though just my love and apologies and hopes that this at least caps the story off in a somewhat acceptable way. *Hugs*